Murder, Marry, Fight, Fuck
My newfound penpal and platonic life partner has a car-game he plays with his wife, Penny. Which is adorable enough in itself (the idea of the two of them playfully punching each other whenever they see a VW or cracking open the Travel Scrabble set is, frankly, so wholesome it hurts), even if you don't factor in that the game actually rules and I am a more well-rounded and interesting person for him sharing it with me.
The game is called Murder, Marry, Fight, Fuck and kranki and I have been attempting to play it on email with limited success, as he is an arrogant American who presumes everyone in the world will know everything about his Motherland. This has led to him suggesting obscure US 'icons' like Julia Child and Andy Rooney for me to toy with while I try simultaneously to FIGURE OUT WHO THE FUCK THEY ARE.
So I'm forced to play a uniquely Australian version. And I want to make it hard for all of us. Want to play?
MURDER, MARRY, FIGHT, FUCK:
Which would you choose for what? Tough decision, isn't it?
After great reflection, I think I'd play as follows:
MURDER: Have to go with the dragon lady Bronwyn Bishop here. With all the trouble she's been causing in the House of Reps of late, I'd probably be hailed as a hero by Deputy Speaker Ian Causley. And as an added bonus, my beloved Bob Ellis could probably win the seat of Mackellar unchallenged . If I may, I choose the death to be long, slow and painful.
MARRY: You'll have another reason for hating me (note clever reference to blog title) when you discover I've chosen John W. Howard to marry. Why? Because he's strongly rumoured to be politically influenced by his missus . If I was in his ear, I could create a big turnaround for the country. But I'd have to insist on lots of 'headaches' come bedtime. And no tongues. definitely no tongues.
FIGHT: Easy. Alexander 'Syndrome' Downer. Not only would it feel deeply satisfying throwing a vicious punch into his soft, pudgy flesh, he's also be dead easy to bitch-slap in a brawl. I mean, look at him. The guy would be on his knees crying for mummy before you'd even started to make him bleed.
FUCK: This hurts. This really, really, really hurts. I would fuck Tony Abbott.
I can't believe I just wrote that. But that's the danger of this game. You end up in bed with someone utterly repulsive purely due to the process of elimination. At least I could hang on to those ears while I went for it. And if we got pregnant, we could adopt the little fucker out. Not like he hasn't done it before.
Comments
MURDER: tony abbott. cause i could. first i'd disembowel him, slit his throat, shove three not two dildoes up his anus passage, piss on him, and then run away.
MARRY: alexander downer. did you see him in the stilettos. yum. and all that puppy fat, i could him home to my parents and we could squeeze his chheks til the cows come home.
FIGHT: john howard. little pipsqueek. i'd take him on anyday. i'd kick him in the nuts, then shave his eyebrows, then run away
FUCK: bronwyn bishop. i reackon shed be freaky in bed. she could show me a thing or two. she also has a big mouth, perfect for a b/j.
i'm going to hell ain't i?
OK, how about this one?
Zoe Solomon
Sally Marshall
Rhonda Brumby
Out Of It Woman
Sorry, had a bit of a dizzy spell for a moment, there. Let me try that again:
Ms Fits
kranki
Proud_National
BEVIS
I know what I'D do!!
murder: downie. i couldn't think of one reason why he should go on wasting so much space.
marry: definitely bronnie. first i'll fill her up with tea and biscuits, then i'll make her love me, and then i'll seduce into her into a pro-same sex marriage trance in which she heads up parades wearing a hot pink "we're here, we're queer" tshirt and sporting a new butch-chic mullet.
fight: johnny howard is going down like a bitch and i want to see him cry like a little girl with a bad case of nipple cripple. i think one good kick in the area where his balls should be will do it.
fuck: have to agree with you on this one. i gagged for the least amount of time when picturing him naked and grunting. this should in no way be interpreted as a compliment on his part. i still gagged after all.
this game is great! cheers.
Today I am proud father and mother. M.M.F.F. has found a home! I'm happy to have brought a spoonful of joy to a country where people talk funny. Take good care of her Australia. (wiping away single tear) Sniffle. It's especially good fun to play with a few friends loudly at the grocery store or waiting for a movie to start.
I fell like David Hasselhoff on tour in Munich.
Great! We use her in a game of Murder Marry Fight Fuck, you choose to murder her and now this. We'd better get our stories straight when the police come looking for us.
Julia Child: bon appétit Celebrated cook taught America to relish life's bounty http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3694953 _____________________________
I'm assuming you were just drunk when you wrote that you "fell like David Hasselhoff on Tour in Munich." Or perhaps you wanted to write feel, but it's a secret death wish you have against the very talented and very chest-haired Mr. Hasselhoff. If he falls the Germans will have nobody to entertain them and they will get impatient and all riled up and start another war. I love that I can write anything on this blog and nobody will be offended. Except, perhaps, all of Germany.
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