Reasons you will hate me

Office fun times!

I am not made to work full-time in an office. The last time I did it I was nineteen and working at Grundys and I hated it so bad I got shingles. Also the offices were raided because the script producer had been caught with some underage male prostitute or something. It was not a happy time for me (although the raid was bitching in a kind of Miami Vice way) and since then I have revelled in almost ten years of freelance work.
'Oh look, it's 10am. I suppose I must be arising for a lazy breakfast of salmon and coffee. Then I will read the Age from cover to cover. I see John Lethlean has once again compelled me with his gastronomic prose. Bravo.
I presume eventually I shall slide over to my desk where I will no doubt bang out Australian television genius. Then I will away to the Napier Hotel to gaze lustily at the bar staff. Another working day well spent.'


You see? It suits me like a hand-holding date with Fabrizio Moretti .
Yet now, with my show, I'm forced to live out full-time office life in a fashion bordering on horrific. Here are some things about it:


1. Corners are hilar!
There are so many sharp corners around my office. On the way to the kitchen, on the way to the toilet, on the way to the lifts. Naturally there are moments when - mind on other things - you might move too swiftly around one and bump into a co-worker, making for the following side-splitting bon mots:
'Collision course!'
(taking mock 'speccy') 'DAICOS!'
'Woah...bit of warning next time!'
'Hey - dodgem cars!'
'Shall we dance? AHAHAHAHA!'


2. Morning...you!
Why do the guys on the security desk always know your name? And why do you feel that no matter what name you say in return it's the wrong one because you've destroyed your brain with years of gin and occasional recreational drug use? And why do you walk through the sliding doors and say something inane like: 'Brrrr....she's a windy one!' or 'Phew, mercury's rising!'? Do you talk like that to anyone else ever ? Do the security people care about the weather? Do you? I want a biscuit.


3. Accountants are people too!
'Hey everyone, it's the accountant's birthday! Let's organise a cake and then sneak up on him wearing cardboard party hats! Then we can all stand around eating a three-layer mudcake and suffering awkward silences because we don't know each other very well! Then we can all return to our desks licking chocolate off our fingers! Then we'll go back to not talking to the accountant anymore! And natural order will be restored!'


4. Ding a ling!
It's about 3pm. What's that pleasant tinkling sound? Why, it's the chip bell . Which our production secretary cheerily rings before filling a plastic bowl with corn chips and uniting us all in our dull joy.
You know you're in trouble when the highlight of your working day is a bowl of salty potatoes. That and sneaking out to the car park for cheap sex in your lunch break.


5. He who stays last lives longest!
There's a horrible mentality amongst television production offices where people feel the need to outlast each other. You can leave at eight thirty at night and some smug prick will still be sitting at their desk with a furrowed brow and tappy fingers. It's the worst kind of pissing competition and one that - if you're a quite irresponsible and immature young lady like myself - you can detach yourself from in order to skip free and make with the summer strolls. Rules.




I realise blogging about full-time office life is kind of the equivalent of bands making a second record about life on the road. But we're on this journey together. And in May or June next year I'll be free to concentrate on my new career as a mail-order bride.




1036 days til the next election.

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