Oi (insert name)! You're a creep! {Part 1}.
OI (INSERT NAME)! YOU'RE A CREEP!
(Whereby Ms Fits informs a member of society that their overall characteristics indicate the presence of creepiness.)
PART ONE:
OI, STING! YOU'RE A CREEP!
Here is why.
YOUR SONGS ARE CREEPY.
Point 1.
'I guess this is our last goodbye
And you don't care so I won't cry
But you'll be sorry when I'm dead
And all this guilt will be on your head'
(Can't Stand Losing You)
Boo hoo, you left me, I'm going to kill myself just to get your attention.
YOU FUCKING CREEP.
Point 2.
'De do do do, de da da da
Is all I want to say to you'
(De do do do, De da da da)
NO-ONE LIKES A BABYTALKER, YOU CREEP.
Point 3.
Don't Stand So Close To Me.
This is a song about a teacher who has the horn for a schoolgirl. It also contains the worst lyric ever:
'It's no use, he sees her
He starts to shake and cough
Just like the old man in
That book by Nabakov'
For fuck's.
Point 4.
'I resolve to call her up a thousand times a day
And ask her if she'll marry me in some old fashioned way'
(Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic)
That is STALKING AND HARRASSMENT, CREEP-O.
Speaking of which:
Point 5.
'Every breath you take
Every move you make
Every bond you break
Every step you take
I'll be watching you'
THIS STATMENT IS DOWNRIGHT WINNING AWARDS IN CREEPY.
In addition!
YOUR UNDERPANTS AND LIFESTYLE CHOICES ARE CREEPY.
WHY ARE YOU SO OBSESSED WITH SHOWING US YOUR KNICKERS, YOU YOGIC CREEP?
And finally!
Sting and friends. 'Give us me cd back*'.
VERDICT: OI, STING! YOU'RE A CREEP!
Who will be the next creep to crumble beneath ms fits' RAZOR-SHARP INDICTMENT.
585 days til the next election.
*this joke was shamelessly lifted from an old edition of Q magazine and reproduced here for Messamie's amusement.
Comments
welcome home dear heart.
x
Oi!
you make me laugh my fucking head off
for the next "oi (insert name)! you're a creep!" i'd like to see you take down the word 'snack'.
So are you saying you wouldn't sleep with him if he sang a dedication mega-mix of all of his stalkage songs for you?
I have to admit I have a soft spot for The Police, but will concede that Sting is quite the creep.
oh, I should have admitted that Can't Stand Losing You is actually my favourite song of all time ever. But I thought it may water down my otherwise flawless argument.
But also please consider Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. And possibly also Dune.
Ooooooh, how about creepy Michael Kroeger - or is he too easy a target? Yuck, I feel unclean just typing his name...
That's right, ms fits, if any little tidbit of information "waters down your argument", just suppress it. Rule 1, FOX school of Journ-Uh-Lism.
People deserving to have their creepiness dissected are Martha Stewart, Tony Abbott, The Olsen Twins and Montgomery Burns.
Ooh, and that guy from the Subway ads.
it seems that the oi/creep game works best when it's not someone who is instantly recognisable as a creep, but rather someone you think is innocuous, who on close examination reveals their innate creepiness [a la sting]. richard watts has done a magnificent demolition job on ben lee over in his blog but i think he's less creep and more twat...
I know it's super obvious, but surely Tom Cruise is the creepiest creep of all time? My supermarket reading date with the trash mags informs me that his beard/fiancee Katie Holmes is planning a Scientology style birth. This involves total silence and moves that are 'slow and understandable'. Apparently sharp jerks and screams due to the, I don't know, excruicating agony of childbirth, can be FELT by the child and recorded on his psyche that will cause irreparable damage for later life. Because it can steal their thetans or something.
MakeStingHistoryNow
Oops. I meant this.
That t-shirt is genius, db. Did you invent it yourself?
OI!
The Police are my all time favourite band, and sting is a genius with god like ability.
Wash your mouth out you vile vixin!!!
I love the Police. Their songs are about passion gone wrong... love transformed into obsession of a really creepy kind. That's the flipside to being in love and it's in all of us to some degree.
I've always thought the Police were ballsy for picking such creepy themes for their music.
It still cracks me up that people don't realise the Police write creepy music. A female housemate of mine put on a Police best of a few months ago... She thought "I'll be watching you" was a love song until I sat her down and forced her to listen to the words. Long story short? I now own a Police best of CD.
I heard Sting fell for a scam where a bunch of people were saying that in the 1960's a rocket with monkeys on it crashed on the moon and we have to send another rocket with bananas for the "Moon Monkeys". Sting gave them $50,000...blatantly untrue but highly amusing.
Yamez Bamez
What about 3AW's Peter Faris DC?! He posted a personal ad for a camera on his blog (in between level-headed posts on deadly serious topics...aah, things make things better!)and I noticed that the camera has a "CALL SPOCK" feature (whatever that is) so I posted a message that asked "Why am I not surprised that you need to call Spock" and he refused to publish it.
It's further proof (not that more was needed) that the DC takes himself way too seriously (in between advertising gadgets!) and doesn't really believe in a fair go for all! He's very UnAustralian, if you ask me. He probably doesn't even like me shed!
P.S. It's been a week now since I missed my appointment with the police and I haven't heard back from them. Methinks The Age has decided not to press charges against me. Could it be because they're guilty of doing something worse than what I did?
I have been annoyed for many years that Sting has dibs over the coolest name in music when he is the least 'Sting' like artist out there. There are eleventeen gazillion sting-ier people than he and why can't he just be tofu or sumthin.
Ha!
I read the Sting line, thought "OI, FITS! YOU'RE A (Q PILFERING) CREEP (IN A MATES ETC)!" and chuckled heartily a fair bit.
Then discovered a few lines further down that it was ALL for my benefit. Huzzah!
(belated chuffed-ness, I know, but I'm in an internet cafe catching up on a weeks worth of stuff. For fucks, SCREAM and so forth)
Comments are closed.