Reasons you will hate me

On being a lady.

I am so snooty when it comes to ladies. They're always getting about in too-tight bumsters (my Milly refers to them as 'muffin tops' because of all the flesh spilling out over the denim waistband) and making that stupid turkey-gobble lady noise when they're in big groups and dancing around hand-bags and wearing spike heels and saying Nothing's Wrong, I'm Fine when something's giving them the irrits and generally behaving like arse-munching toolbags.
It's all well and good for me to act high-faluting, but the horrible truth is that I do some lady things that I am appalled by and this is what they are:
1. I have lots of pairs of shoes.
And despite me shaking my head in wonder at all those fucksticks who blow $2000 on a pair of ridiculous pointy things which they spend the next few months staggering around on like drunken newborn foals, at last glance I owned five pairs of cowboy boots. And about eight pairs of long, zip-up 1960's go-go boots. Which, even though they only cost me about thirty bucks a pair, is still excessive and beyond vain.
2. I have dressed my dog in clothes.
And while it's never been as outrageously gay as this:
, it still counts as something that degraded us both. And I'd like to be the first to apologise to her for finding it briefly hilarious that she got about in a dog-sized t-shirt with the words 'Been There, Done That' written in graffiti letters over a picture of a cartoon fire hydrant.
3. I exercise.
Surely you don't think a body this good comes from lazing about eating almonds, do you? Ho ho!
The fact that I exercise doesn't stop me from sneering meanly at perspiring joggers or fat chicks on treadmills. Inconceivably, I have separated my early-morning flinging about from their carefully planned fitness routines. This makes me both in denial and retarded.
4. I have worn revealing clothes.
And then acted mock-appalled when passing men have leered at my ta-ta's. What a joke.
5. I don't know dick about my car.
I've even done that fucking appalling 'it's making a funny noise!'-type squeal. I deserve a bullet.


Here are some unladylike things I do which I hope evens me out and makes me more popular in the eyes of you:
1. I swallow.
Well, it only seems polite.
2. I drink tequila.
In shots. And wipe my hand across my mouth like a dusty cowboy afterwards.
3. I swear.
Which, as we all know, makes me appear rather tough and hard. I'm quite bawdy, too. And ribald. And other words that sound better when attributed to pirates.
4. I not only understand the game of Australian Rules Football, I also enjoy it.
And, as a child, I dreamed of being Bernie Quinlan .
5. Good music gets me hard.
I like crappy music too. But really good music makes my armpit hair grow.
6. I eat like a motherfucker.
Just watch me go! There I go! Eating so much food! Boy do I eat food!
7. I'm not very good with children.
Sometimes they absolutely appal me. This is my fault more than theirs. They are, as a whole, quite sweet and tasty. I'm just a selfish fucker who doesn't know how to stop them making loud noises and gets shitty when they disturb my otherwise perfect lifestyle.

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