On whether or not to have sex with Pauly Shore.
Last week me and Glenny G interviewed Pauly Shore for our radio show.
'What's up, buuuuddies'
Mr. Shore was charm personified, and delighted us with half an hour's worth of occasionally flirtatious banter. We discussed what sort of music one would play to root white trash girls, if he considered himself a sex symbol, what he liked his 'ladies' to wear in the sack - the usual topics of conversation for a lowbrow show such as ours.
Interview over. Glenn stands up to pack up the minidisc recorder. I stand up to grab my bag.
PAULY SHORE STANDS UP, MAKES A BEELINE FOR ME AND GRABS ME BY THE WRISTS.
He breathes on my neck. Grips tightly. Mumbles hotly into my ear.
'Honey...why do you talk about sex all the time...that's so hot.'
I freeze.
'I...well. That's my job. That's what I get paid for.'
'Really? You get paid to do this?'
'Actually, I'm a volunteer.'
'Oh.'
He is still not letting go. Glenny G, SUPPOSEDLY THERE TO PROTECT ME, is completely bemused and chuckling nervously into his lap.
'So when are we going to hook up?'
'What?'
'You and me...come on, let me kiss you.'
He kisses me. Still, it must be noted, holding on to my wrists. I have absolutely no idea what to do. Glenn is now looking everywhere else in the room but us.
'When are we going to get together?'
'Oh, I don't know...'
'Come on...you and me...when are we going to get together? When are we going to hook up?'
'What will our families say, Pauly? I mean, hahaha....'
'Kiss me again.'
This goes on for about ten minutes, until the nice lady from the Herald Sun appears for the next interview. Pauly is still holding on tight. Lingering close to my neck.
'So you're coming to the show?'
'Gee, I...I don't know...'
'You want to?'
'Yeah, well - sure.'
'Give me your digits, I'll get you some tickets.'
'O-kaaay.'
So here's the thing.
We got tickets. We're going tonight. DOES THE FACT THAT PAULY SHORE HAS CLEARLY STATED HIS INTENTIONS MEAN I AM OBLIGED TO PUT OUT.
Usually (I've found on previous pleasingly whoreish occasions) if there's a bit of flirtatious banter with a performer, a bit of 'come to my show, say hello afterwards', the ambiguity is enough that I feel okay attending the performance and not wandering home with a mouthful of semen.
But isn't it wrong to just accept these tickets when he has essentially said LET'S COPULATE PLEASE and attend the show with a polite detachment, pretending as though nothing has happened?
Also. Please tell me WHY THE KINGS OF LEON INTERVIEW DID NOT END IN A SIMILAR FASHION, THANK-YOU.
563 days til the next election.
Comments
of course you are not obliged to put out.
If, on the other hand, you thought it might make a nice ending to the story for updated blog-fodder...
It's up to you, entirely.
i think you should go, assuming as i do that mr. shore doesn't actually have a penis but rather a small abyss on his pants where his genitals should be.
if i am wrong however, you're in big trouble.
IN his pants! IN! IN! IN!
and not 'on' as reads my last comment.
i'm glad we got that sorted out.
Put out. Just shower thoroughly before, as your Event List states, you go to the hotel tomorrow.
Please.
Thoroughly.
Perhaps in some sort of Domestos bath.
Dear Ms
I'd say a good reason for sex on Pauly Shore would be:
1. Ernest, Carrot Top, Yahoo Serious all busy.
2. Have accidentally tattooed contract to have sex on Pauly Shore on your own face in a sacrificed baby's blood at midnight on the graves of your ancestors in front of Priest, Rabbi, and Buddha.
Kind Regards,
IOYC Make All Cheques Payable To Cash
Of course you're not obliged to put out, but if you do go to his show when he sees you the first thought that'll go through his head is: "Oh, yessss. Awesome, she definitely wants to fuck me."
Then I guess it's a matter of either fighting off his attention, or fighting off any other free ticket holders.
PS. I am holding a bedroom play titled: 'Me & My Appendage.' If anyone would like free tickets, kindly forward digits please.
So tell me,were the Kings of Leon sad desperate has-beens....hmmm?...Thought not.
Eric,
I am for it. Only because it's not me that is going to have to do anything. I mean ... is he different 'in real life'? ... if the answer is no, I'd think twice. Maybe thrice.
I like the idea of having an open intent when inviting people out though. This would certainly ease things on the dating front for everyone:
- Hi, you're hot, I would like to engage in acts of a flagrantly sexual nature with you, would you like a compimentary ticket to show/gig/event?
See, I'd be more curious about whether the anecdote factor ("did I ever tell you about the time Pauly Shore gave it to me like a runaway steam train") outweighs the "oh jumping christ it's Pauly fucking Shore and he wants to stick it in me" factor.
I would not pay to be you right now.
I think the deal in this situation is that you only have to put out if the gift given is of great value to either the giver or the receiver. Pauly Shore would have abundant free tickets to his own show, so he is not giving anything major up. Unless you have a long standing desire to se P. Shore doing the weasel live, and all tickets were sold out or something, then you are in the clear.
I would also add, ewww, yuckie.
Wait, he's going to give it to me like a runaway steam train? How does that work?
You and Kylie will have even more in common. Although you didn't feature in the movie Bio-dome.
http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/article/ds31954.html
"I fell in love with her - big time. I didn't know who she was, she didn't know who I was and we just had a great time together," he told Aussie newspaper The Daily Telegraph. "I just fell in love with her personality. I'm like 'Oh my God, this girl's adorable'."
He could well say the same thing about you Ms Fits!
HE ALSO GAVE ME A DVD, CD AND TOUR T-SHIRT.
is that all it takes?
Oh do it. It'd make for a top blog entry.
Yes. That really is all it takes. That and a penne puttanesca at Marios.
i already knew that, i just wanted you to put it in writing.
Wait, he's going to give it to me like a runaway steam train? How does that work?
He puffs a lot, and screams while telling women and children to abandon ship?
I don't know – I was just trying to sound saucily amusing!
Wow, he's got you good and shaken up hasn't he?
I mean, you didn't punctuate your question correctly and all....
'wandering home with a mouthful of semen'
Oh! The humanity! I nearly spat out my lunch when I took in that particular phrase.
You have this pithy way of choosing words, don't you?
Tell me you've never done it, gwn.
Fact for today: Kings of Leon give out "pussy passes", so to speak, at there shows. WHERE WERE OURS???
>>
Oh! The humanity! I nearly spat out my lunch when I took in that particular phrase.
<<
That's not all that needs to be spat out.
That's the most Carry On comment you've ever made on this blog, Tt.
I do declare this the most whimsical jape of the season.
I'm looking forward to finding out if you're a Shore thing.
I hope he's the kind of guy that googles his own name, regularly, and reads this before you see him, thus making the situation even more awkward since he knows you've been agonising over it.
You had, of course, already decided you were going to let him 'weasel' you when you began typing this.
I'm not sure which I find more interesting:
A. That you would actually consider letting him "squueze the juice"
or
B. That you would consider doing it in order to have something to blog about later.
Hell, you grabbed my wrists last week and said exactly the same things. Admittedly you were recounting the same story to me, but, I think my point is quite clear. Um... maybe not.
Hello Ms Fits.
Long time reader first time responder.
I would have to say that in this instance, having sex with a "dude" that potentially INVENTED the term "Dirty Sanchez" and most probably "Filthy Ramiriez" is not a bold career move.
you could, however do the "male" on him. (ie get him to butterdog you then thank him and leave) however, on this guy...I still wouldn't do it. (encino man...the weasel...ewww...)
free tickets or not...you don't want to be with a guy that "boned" kylie!!!
Things I have learnt today:
Filthy Ramiriez
Butterdog
I don't know what they are, and I am not going to Google from work.
OK, yes I am.
Get him to butterdog me? Jesus christ.
Anonymous said...
I hope he's the kind of guy that googles his own name and reads this before you see him, thus making the situation even more awkward since he knows you've been agonising over it.
I doubt he'll see anything other than the phrase "... wandering home with a mouthful of semen."
Fits, if you see Pauly on stage with a wad of tissues hanging out his pocket, you better get your kneepads on!
Anyway, to move things on a bit, I sent the link for this blog to paulyshoremail@aol.com
(just kidding, of course)
Please don't. Please. He is the wrong choice for you.
Just the very thought of it makes me feel pauly.
(sorry, couldn't resist after Bookies efforts)
HA! dirty sanchez...
ew, pauly shore...
ahhh! ms fits...
one of these things is not like the others...
i'd go but keep at arms length... GOOD LUCK!
ha, just twigged that your deal could be sealed with a penne puttanesca
penne putanesca (translating literally) = 'whore's/streetwalker's penne' ...
not that i'm implying anything, fits.
i can't ever forgive biodome, and what this man did to kylie's (then burgeoning, now clearly dead) film career; support your fellow twinset!
(lae ps: my word verification is rysauhip, which i translate as wry, sore, hip – some or all of which you may be if you go through with this)
It doesnt even sound like fun. But do let us know though.
So saying "I'm not interested, please let go of me" was out of the question?
If you need someone to go with you for protection (since Glenn is clearly no use) I'd love the opportunity to remind Pauly that "Wow, Brendan Fraser's career has really kicked on, hasn't it!?" and to see how much he cries.
patty pat-pat said: "encino man...the weasel...ewww..."
Encino Man... The Weasel... WOOO!!
PLEASE, enlighten me - what the hell has happened to Polichicks?
If you do plan on going for it, here's a piece of advice:
Get drunk and you can do just about anything.
That's how I could end up watching two unattractive girls go at it in a Las Vegas hotel room.
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Do either you and/or MattyB find him in any way appealing? If not then I guess you shouldn't be going there, but if you find him not entirely repulsive, you could always just take one for the team and chalk it down to an amusing experience you once had ie "Remember the time... etc etc"
Either way you MUST let us know.
Just say NO to z-grade celebrities attempting to get laid on the basis that somebody knew who they were in 1987. You may as well seduce Nudge from Hey Dad for all the street cred it'll get you.
Of course if I was him I'd be trying the same thing.
I'd hit Nudge.
Wait just a damned minute here...
You're saying Pauly Shore is still alive?
I know this is probably quite lame but who is this Pauly Shore?
buzz
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