Reasons you will hate me

Friday q and a #90.

So it looks like I'm moving to Sydney in a month to become a coolsie haircutted motherfucker DO YOU HAVE ANY SPARE BOXES/A COMB. Sure is nice to be alive with all these rainy changes breezing in of an afternoon, and what better circumstances in which to assess a few Friday questions....

Dr Nic said...
Fitzy! Jon Ronson should be high, high, high on your reading list. Go buy Them immediately. Run, don't walk!
http://jonronson.com/

Alright then, I will. Gracious, you're insistent. I bet you wouldn't be so pushy if you'd actually ever seen me run. I look like a baby goose who has downed one too many shots of limoncello.

Anonymous said...
i too loved duckie. could never understand molly choosing the other one (see, i can't even utter his name) over him.

i heard there is a special dvd that has the "gusset moistening" delighted-ness of her ending up with duckie - but be fucked if i can find it anywhere .... ah well

OMG, u guys. HERE IT BE.



'A look at deleted material shows via The Lost Dance: The Original Ending (12:16). It includes remarks from McCarthy, Cryer, Donner, Ringwald, Potts and Deutch. We hear about the nature of the original ending and learn about its shoot along why the filmmakers dropped it. We also get remarks about the reshoot for the ending actually used in the film. I'd have liked to see the actual footage of the cut ending, but we find out so much about it that we don't lose much by not watching it. 'Dance' covers the subject well.'






Right, that's it. If I don't get this in my Christmas stocking I am throwing a patented hissy.



Also:

Andy Pants said...
In response to the video at the end of lasts weeks Friday questions.

'What a complete douchebag'.

That is all.

Noted.

BEVIS said...
Just so you know, the GUNS reference was roughly 750,000% wittier about four weeks ago.

I've prepared a series of questions I want to ask you (one per week), but if you're not really gonna be into answering them over summer, perhaps I should hold onto them until we get back to winter?

I'll try to get to Friday q and a when I'm able, or can be bothered. It was just starting to be a bit of a weekly whip-crack, and a mighty weight to stagger under. Enjoy its sporadic and fun-filled nature each time it chooses to pay a visit.

sublime-ation said...
What a nice surprise, how I've missed F Q & A. (We're down to acronyms now).

I have to gently disagree with ButtHead. I enjoy your word fads, in fact anyone's word fads. From this here blog & its commentary I have passed several into the innocent and appreciative night/world of un-bloggy friends, which might explain certain Kiwis in the vicinity of North Carlton walking around saying things like 'My paramour stole my favourite haberdashery, saucy minx, I feel like punching him in the cunt'. Well not all those words at once, that sounds a bit hostile but you get the idea.

My question (first one in the new era, oh excitement!) is
Is it still ok to go round wearing my Polichicks 'John Howard Lies' badge* on my bag, or is it as over as last week's I Hate Our Reigning Government Facebook group? It's just I've only had it a wee while and have grown very attached to it. (Very quickly).


*Thank you, btw. And my Dad loves the jocks.

I'm still getting quiet delights over seeing the words 'Prime Minister Kevin Rudd' in the newspaper, as it reminds me of the heady intoxication of Saturday 24th when the reigning government truly heard the voice of the people and took it in the jaxie. I really don't see any harm in wearing anti-John Howard accessories as they are now viewed as richly comedic retro items and a reminder of a time when us bleating lefties once gave a toss about how the world turned OF COURSE I JEST. I've worn my commie propaganda t-shirts since The Day Of Reckoning and they've given me much smirky pleasure. Carry on with your badging.

Kaleu Big said...
I often receive Ben Cousin style press when something pops up unexpected, your Q & A’s however offer much smiling joy .Even with your charm attempt

I recently attended a name that gingar competition. There was much laughter at Stoltz and Caruso’s, expense. Those who were in attendance for the foxy lock comp, received a Bruce and Walsh diamond studded meggsy memento

If I were to catch a whiff of your perfume, What would I be whiffing?.

I did hear the promotion screech last evening, clever spoken bubble your mate.Although "Eclectic" and "Basically" shit me

'Name that gingar'? Now there's a game to keep the entire family entertained. I'll be sure to suggest a few rounds on Christmas Day between courses.


I generally don't wear perfume, though have been known to waltz through a cloud of LouLou before exiting the house of an evening ('Is that you, LouLou? Have you seen her?' 'Oui. C'est moi', etc). I started wearing it in high school because I was in love with Julian Gerner and he once mentioned in an offhand manner that he quite liked it and just haven't been bothered breaking the habit. I am particularly lazy when it comes to fragrances.




I'm afraid I don't understand the last part of your query. 'Promotion speech'? 'Clever spoken bubble'? 'Shit'? Confucious.

Anonymous said...
Is your boyfriend circumcised?

No.

Shane Lyons said...
Was pleased by your reference to Jeff Kennett's "womb broom" in the green guide and was inspired to come up with my own 'tache descriptor. What do you think of "bean brush"?

Am also enjoying Liberal Party Right/Left shitfight. It's fun to imagine Nelson trying to tell Bill Heffernan he has to vote yes to legalising gay marriage. (Was more fun to imagine Turnbull doing it but you can't have everything).

Be patient my friend; Turnbull will be standing on the winner's podium before too long. He just has to give the rest of his party time to forget the fact that he traipsed through the election campaign in a fug of self-interest and egomaniacal ruthless ambition and once they're all on board and sick of that simpering unionist Nelson ol' Malcolm can step up and show us what he's made of. A most interesting state of affairs, I must say.

richwell said...
A month, a whole month.
Oh no.
*drowns head in bucket of beer*

Wait, a month of what? I don't understand this lamenting/suicide. Pick yourself up out of that bucket at once, people are starting to stare.

minni said...
so is miss fits happy with this ??

With what? Richwell's drowning? I'd say not; I can't bear when folk make a scene.

wondering? said...
so is diane realy Kate??

You people are smoking crack.

squib said...
Oh for crying out loud, I always miss the Friday question and answer. There must be some secret handshake
My biggest goal in the world is to get a Friday question answered by Ms Fits. This is much easier than my other goal of writing a novel in six months and winning the Vogel
I was going to ask Ms Fit's which farmer she would have chosen on The Farmer Wants a Wife (keeping in mind that if she didn't chose one the whole world would die) but now the show is finished
And it was such a good question too

I think this question still has great merit, and I do apologise for the fact you have missed out. For what it's worth, I would have chosen Farmer Drew - the 'party' farmer - as his first date with his two contenders consisted of getting them absolutely banjaxed on hard liquor and then waking them up first thing the next day to shovel shit, the cheeky bugger. I do very much enjoy the combination of a drinking man with a sense of humour; take note.


Additionally:

lill said...
oh squib, are you channeling andrew mcgahan, or trying to?
now I know which farmer I would have chosen, and having known one or two in my time...best left unsaid I suspect, as farmers can be an easily injured lot.
have you chosen a vogel winning topic yet? feck none of this is the stuff of fits' worthy reckoning. dear fits, can I ask, as an occaisional visitor to a dear dear friend in Northcote, where should a country girl go to get a glimpse of city shenanigns, but still be within shank's pony of getting back to my bed?

I'd absolutely love to answer this question, but the pin-up boy of RYWHM 2007 (Spring edition) has tackled it rather graciously for you:

Marmalade said...
Hey Lill,

Obvs. if you are serious about walking around Northcote, you're going to have to stick to High St, and that ain't no bad thing. Just start at the south end and work your way up. Open Studio is lovely, and the Northcote Social Club is the anchor leg to any night out.

Or you can tram or train south. Fitzroy is the new St. Kilda: okay pissed and/or with a crew but sober and/or alone, it's like a dickhead convention. I reckon the nouveaux résidants who dropped $600k on converted factory toilets will get the whole thing shut down soon. Paying $15 for eggs on toast with half a suburb on a Sunday morning may be the very height of Bohemia, but apparently someone vomiting half a falafel through your letterbox at 3am isn't.

There's some good pubs 'off' Brunswick St - see www.melbournepubs.com, which has maps and everything. Collingwood's good, too, especially the Tote. Ooh, I had a mate who found a baggie of surprise powder down the back of one of the couches at The Club (I know, I know what was he doing etc. - looking for Harold Holte?).

Anyway, good luck with it all. Prolly someone here will offer to take you on a pub crawl anyway. Remember it's sealed containers only off Bevis and you should be sweet.

Isn't he wonderful? I'd add North Bazaar and Pizza Meine Liebe and Palomino to the list of High street attractions if you're looking for good eating and general gay times.

Amanda said...
What's the strangest thing you've ever put in your twat?

A loofah.

A nonny mouse said...
Goodness me!

Was it a Japanese whaling fleet?

The Guttenberg Bible?

Half a pound of truffles?

What a weird question.

I HAVE NEVER I REPEAT NEVER INSERTED A JAPANESE WHALING FLEET INTO MY VEEDGE OH ALRIGHT JUST THE ONE TIME BUT I WAS DRUNK ON SCOTCH SO IT DOESN'T COUNT.

helen hellbound said...
sooooo - how did you meet yr new guy? what's his band called? what does he look like (eg cross between burt reynolds + lee van cleef + jim morrison etc)?
ps loving my new polichicks purchases, the "give liberals a whipping" tee went down a treat at work last week (& work at the mo' inc some ex neighbours actors + kerry armstrong - not that i'm dropping any names or anything. whatever)

Hello, Helen.


1. I was introduced to my Ginger at the Tote by the lovely Book Grocer. We made suitably awkward conversation and then completely ignored each other for a couple of weeks until he guested on my radio show (essentially a complicated and elaborate dating technique for me, discuss) and three days later I asked him out on a date. So there you go.


2. The Basics.


3. Gosh, I don't know. He says 'Lyle Lovett + Tim Rogers'. I'd wear that. I find him utterly handsome, if that's of any help to you.


4. Bless your human advertising skills. Kerry Armstrong once played my mother in a short film. Not that I'm dropping any names or anything.

Warlord Bob said...
Morality? That's decided by who has the power to kill you.

Justice? lt only exists if you take it into your own hands.

Truth? lt's anything you say it is.

History? lt's written by who wins the war.

Religion? Fog in the mind.

You're coming across all Die Hard 5 voice over, you know. I'm enjoying it very much.



Alternatively:

groverjones said...
Warlord Bob, do you write lyrics for Metallica?

Much better. Kudos to you, gj.

BEVIS said...
I discovered on the weekend (tho' I won't say how) that a friend of mine - who I haven't seen in years, but would happily catch up with if I had the opportunity - is now real-life best buddies with Delta Goodrem.

What am I meant to do with that information?

Is it Christmas card material, do you think? Or should I perhaps get some T-shirts printed?

I think that given the tone of the Bevis Tribune which goes out annually you're well within your rights to mention that you yourself are practically real-life best buddies with Delta Goodrem and if anyone was looking for backstage passes to her show they should pretty well contact you and you can have it arranged immediately. That's how these things work, you see.
You may then ask people for sexual favours in return for Goodrem-related perks.

The Colonel said...
What the.....Blimey. Just woke up from a terrible dream. Seems there was an election and those left wing scoundrels somehow got into power..It cant be true, what? Heavens above if poor old Johnny was in for the chop I might have to actually start paying my manservant Hardwick. I mean I give him a room next to the Hounds and he can eat whats left over once I've finished. What more can he expect? Good God I even gave him the day off when his mother died a month ago. Docked his pay though! Well refused him the kitchen scraps anyway.
.. Repeal Workchoices and he'll expect to be treated as an equal. God dammit I will not accept that....Relax, relax it was only a dream....
Not that Johnny was much chop...I mean what clubs does he belong to and does he ride with any hunt? I didn't see him fighting the fuzzy wuzzys during the African campaigns...Was he at Rorkes Drift??? Oh no, not like me...
Sniveling little wretch, appealing to the middle classes. If it wasn't a bad dream maybe he deserved to lose...Give all those people a taste of real horror under the communists, oh yes. A pile of do gooders singing about love and equal opportunity. No they'll fail and then they'll be crying out for some real discipline. Thats when we strike. Have them back at heel and then bang, bring in young Malcolm Turnbull...Now theres a leader..Filthy filthy rich, was blooded on his first hunt and I've seen him in the Club from time to time. He'd bring back true conservative values...Oh yes indeed. None of this looking after people in society, lots of exploitation of the lower classes. Affordable housing bahhh..Good god if you cant inherit a huge house you don't deserve to have one I say!!!!
But thankfully it was only a dream....When I get out of bed the world will be as it should...I'll just ring for my man...HARDWICK....God damn it man where are you....HARDWICK!!!!! Goodness you cant get good help these days....What does he expect me to, empty my own chamber pot?????

What an amusing chap you are. I hereby award you RYWHM's Inaugural Question Of The Week award, not least because you've given me absolutely nothing to answer and so I may finish up early.

Rustique said...
Here's a dilemma:

When one has done poo in a public toilet and then goes to wash one's hands, what is worse for the environment: a hot air dryer fuelled by Australia's coal powered energy grid or the deforestation inducing paper towell?

Oh dear. I don't much care for these kind of questions. Why don't you just let your hands dry in the summer breeze, Rustique? That's nature's 'hot air dryer' at work right there. Even better, don't wash them at all and work up some kind of butch immunity to germs by wiping them all over your face. Call yourself an environmentalist, you hand-washing nancy?

squib said...
Oh oh! Ms Fits Ms Fits pick me! I just had a really really great idea. What do you think about Polichicks selling Julia Gillard pantaloons?

I do so love pantaloons and I have a gut feeling that they are going to come back into fashion very soon

Pantaloons? You mean these?




Dear me, I'm not sure that's a good idea. Just look at this poem, for starters:

A nonny mouse said...
If any lady intends to promenade in search of her swain whilst wearing panatloons, she would be wise to complete her outfit with a cutlass, for it is well known that a certain type of men are unreasonably aroused by the sight of this garment, as evidenced by the popular drinking song:

"Pantaloons, Pantaloons,
You make my pocket swell,
As if it were fair full of dubloons!"

from Prunella's Little Book of Beachside Etiquette, first published 1912.

Honestly. Pantaloons? Do you really think they're going to be the must-have fashion accessory for summer? The mind boggles, frankly.

kudelka said...
Hi there, long time lurker, first time poster. Is it cool to obliquely plug my cartoon book about our ex-Prime Minister in comment format here? If so, the link is discreetly placed where my name is. If not, forget I said anything.

I'm trying to picture Julia Gillard in pantaloons, but I keep getting Alexander Downer. It's quite disturbing

Absolutely, Kudelka. I'm a fan of your work, just quietly. Or noisily, whichever you'd prefer. Best of luck with the book flogging.

EC said...
Are truffles amazing? What do they taste like?

http://uk.reuters.com/article/topNews/idUKHKG33115120071202

I'm not sure I've ever eaten one, though the dim recesses of my mind tell me I once consumed a dish with 'truffle shavings' on it as I am incredibly highbrow. Obviously not highbrow enough to actually recall the sensory pleasures of consumption, but you take the good with the bad etc.



Can anyone else step in here, please? I'm getting hungry and require sustenance.

Frank from Abbotsford said...
What a wonderful day - randomly tune in to 774 this afternoon to discover Ms Deveny (rhymes with Keviny) talking to Ms Fits. What fun you were both having. Then tonight, again randomly, discover that tonight's episode of Marx and Venus was by the fabulous Fits (and what fun that was too).
Not a question, just saying you made my day - twice.

Thanking ye, Frank F.A. I am all over the airwaves at the moment like the worst kind of self-serving idiot. Eventually I will shrivel up and drop off in the fashion of an attention-seeking scab and you will all miss me very much.

T said...
Q: Do you know anyone who needs a regular weekend ticket to Meredith?

Do you have any suggestions for how I might make myself feel better about being stranded interstate on work and not able to attend the splendorous dust-ridden drunken filth of MMF?

1. Actually, I may have a spare myself if my friend Gen pulls out. Have you tried advertising on Mess and Noise? It's usually a fairly decent community notice board, so long as you don't mind eight hundred people sneering at you disdainfully if you profess a liking for Wolfmotherr.


2. Erm...not really. You could try drinking yourself into a mournful stupor. Either that or just sit in your car smoking bucket bongs with the stereo turned up full blast and a packet of barbecue shapes by your side like most people do during Meredith. It'll be like the real thing, only with less vomit.

J said...
Ms Fitz - one question for you....and I don't usually play the whatif game, but in this situation, it is probably a good idea to ask:

What happens if the Ruddbrigade actually DOFUCKITUP!??

Then we hold them accountable. It's a long road ahead, my dear. I'm not for a moment suggesting it isn't. Hold on to your hat(s).

hanx said...
In the hopes that you will be answering questions next friday... What can I expect from the Town Bikes' meat show at Spiegeltent next Friday eve?

Pure chaos, by the sounds of things. Gabi has refused to tell me anything about the show other than that it's 'suitably strange', so I think we'll all have a wonderful time. Given the bizarre free-form theatrical retardation of their last show, Milk, expectations are high. It will be meaty and full of oddness and I will leave there particularly proud of her, as always.

QueenZelda said...
I have a problem.. the Hon Mr Downer's boy child may be (by which i mean is, but i was trying to not give away my super hero identity) my summer clerk and his curly hair and plummy voice make me recoil even though he seems quite pleasant and its not his fault he is his father's son. How do I go on without accidentally blurting out that I think his father and everything he stands for is an unholy crime?

Also I have broken my friend's and my (mine? oh my grammar is terrible) book club by the suggestion of the book Carpenteria which is long, tedious and most confusing despite (or perhaps because of) its literary credentials. We have thus resolved to read something that is borderline trash but our one boy member has requested that this book not be of the romantic fiction genre. Probably best that it not have a pink cover. Can you please, oh wise one, recommend some light, non-taxing reading that will be pleasant yet not stress our giant, overworked legal brains whilst lounging on the beach surrounded by empty wine bottles (which we of course will collect prior to retreating from the beach)?

1. Oh my. You're right, it's not his fault he is S.O.D - although that doesn't stop people who are irked by my grandpop hunting me down on the interwebs and giving me what-for AS THOUGH I WAS SOLELY RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS POLITICS YOU FUCKWADS. Still - family name and honour and all that. I say march on up and give the pink-cheeked darling a slice of your mind. No doubt he'll be used to it by now. I know I am.



2. Hm. Light, non-taxing reading which is not romantic and doesn't have a pink cover. Have you tried 'Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close' by Jonathan Safran Foer? 'Dress Your Family In Corduroy And Denim' by David Sedaris? Mary Karr's 'The Liar's Club' is a great autobiography, and Charlotte Wood's 'The Children' certainly raises some interesting discussion points for a book group.


'Bonfire of the Vanities' is cracking, too. I can't wait to read that again.

Kitty said...
Are the Architects hot? They sound hot. Do you have pictures?

Are you really leaving?

1. They are adorable, yes. I always get crushes on radio people. Don't get me started on Vince Peach from PBS.


2. I do not, sadly. Have you tried calling Triple R to ask them directly? I'm sure they'd be happy to hand out naked photos of their presenters.


3. I am. After twelve long and glorious years. It's all rather distressing, to be honest.

Rich said...
check this out:

http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2007/12/05/2110602.htm

I published this in the first issue of The Think Tank MONTHS AND MONTHS ago and they ALL ignored me! Front page. Right there, all the stats (see it online: http://www.fuzzyillogic.com/wordpress/?p=10). But Council ignored me! The steel factory ignored me, local media ignored me!!!!! The supposedly independent industry funded local intermediatory ignored me. State government, ignored me. Local MP's ignored me. Radio, TV you name it. I sent them a copy.

Talk about inconvenient truths eh?

FUCK

Goodness me, Rich. How awful for you. Welcome to the world of the truth-teller, I guess. For the most part the world's going to pay you scant attention until they're all coughing up tumours the size of golf balls or whatever kind of physical abnormality it takes for people sit up and take notice these days.


In the meantime, sit down and have a cold glass of lemonade. You certainly sound like you need it.

L said...
I'm curious as to what you or your readers think of Sam De Brito and his All Men Are Liars blog? It puzzles me.

I don't read it, but I'm aware of vague rumblings around these parts that Mr. De Brito may be - and I'm only venturing a guess here based on senate estimates - a bit of a nobjockey. Don't shoot the messenger; I'm just telling you what I heard.


Thoughts, 'readers'?

Andy Pants said...
I just wanted to say congratulations Marieke on your new position on triple J breakfast.

It probably sounds pathetic but I now actually have a reason for waking up in the morning.

Excited about the new job?

I am, actually. Very much. Although the idea of shifting states in order to wake up at 4:30 in the morning and 'connect' with the nation's 'youth' is somewhat daunting. I do hope I manage to curtail my language.

Ben said...
I can't think of anything to ask you. Just imagine something that I might ask, and answer that.

I'm going to imagine that you asked me to dance a foxtrot. And I, being the very gracious lady of manners I am, accepted with a demure nod and a flutter of my rather glorious eyelashes. Now get me out on that dancefloor and let's show these bastards what we're made of.






***********************************************



Our business transaction is complete. How nice it's been to spend an afternoon with you all. I like what you've done with your hair, etc.



I'm off to stroll the promenade with the Moulin Rouge before heading to the Spiegeltent for Town Bikes-related excitement. Enjoy your high times, and leave your questions for next week - or whenever - in the comments below.

74 comments.

Friday q and a #89.

Yes, the blog is lagging somewhat given the rather tumultuous stirrings currently taking place in my never dull existence, but when I've got the time I like to stay at Travelodge answer a few of these here Friday questions. You are nice people for being nice, you guys.




Also: isn't it charmed when these q and a's pop up when you least expect them? You'll be kept on your toes around this joint, make no mistake.

Linzer said...
Good.

Please tell us some other little Bob Ellis anecdotes. That's cute to think of her 'looking glum' while you're in the bath. When you're on the toilet, does she nudge the door open and look around at you slyly? My dog does.

Usually she just stares dolefully at me no matter what I'm doing, until I finally stand up and life begins at forty to appear more caninely interesting. Much leaping about and excitable growling ensues, with occasional dragging of buttocks against carpet.


Her, not me. OBVS + LOL.

The Last Scientician said...

Absolutely glorious.

Fenz said...
yay Gotye!!
I'm glad I stayed up to watch, now it's off to sleeps to catch up on the nights sleep I missed out on last night!!

Wasn't he wholly wonderful and full of innate sweetheartedness? Shoeless ARIA collecting and all. My mother called me up for much shrieking and exchanging of good feelings when the award was announced. Lord bless his grinning angel-like visage.

Ben said...
Well I have to showcase them somewhere, nobody else seems to be listening. Pregnant Penny PI is a show about a young female sleuth who solves baffling crimes with the help of her superintelligent talking foetus. Feel free to mention this to Kerry Stokes next time you're out with him. That goes for all of you.

Garry Trudeau is the creator of Doonesbury. Don't know if you would like him; you'd be in tune with his politics, but you may or may not take to his humour.

I will send you my article, just in case it doesn't suck. If it sucks, I apologise. I also apologise for wasting your time with all those questions, I feel bad now.

So just one question: Who's your favourite poet?

Also, we had a very pleasant evening, and Bevis is firm but gentle.

My favourite poet is probably e.e.cummings. I'm really not au fait with much poetry. I should explore more, I know. It's just that I get a bit caught up trying to invent interesting new names for readheads with which to publicly refer to my Tequila Sunrise-hued beloved.



Grand news about Bevis; I had my fingers and toes crossed for you both.


look:

BEVIS said...
Like a fox!

Gracious. Is anyone else getting muggy under the collar or is it just me?

So-fee-ah said...
Wow, I hopped on to request you cover the glorious car wreck that was the ARIA Awards last night, but seems you're already on it. Nick Cave and his drunken unofficial induction of the Bad Seeds was marvellous, I especially enjoyed how scared of him Rove looked when he walked on.

And of course Gotye + Learnalilgivinanlovin + many coloured balloons = absolute highlight.

Anyway, this comment is now a little defunct, and has no question involved at all, but still. Mad props to Sarah Blasko.

I would be a bit scared of Nick Cave too. What a pleasingly grumpy old bastard. He was like Chopper after a concerted few weeks of Lean Cuisine and looked ready to bite the heads off the Veronicas on his way out. More of this from our rockly stars, please.

Kaleu Big said...
Perhaps you could limit your talent to the 10 best questions. All should dig for your devotion, like Rammsteins miners do for snow white. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mfHlA3fmJG0.
It’s only fair, you ain’t cheap, r ya ?
If you choose this path fitshopper. What would your selection criteria be for choosing who to respond to?

I wouldn't really know how to tackle that I guess. I do try to just answer everything commenters ask, even when it's something I may find confusingly insane. If I end up having to cull (usually these days it's a timing thing and I just stop abruptly when I'm jack of it), I'd rather just do it out of convenience rather than rating worthiness or lack thereof of queries. Remember, there are no stupid questions, only stupid answers. And I am the hands-down king of stupid answers.





p.s. I am cheap. Hideously so. You should catch a whiff of my perfume and witness the screeching harlots I call my female friends.

Pellucid said...
[not really a proper Friday question but anyway] Hey Fits, what's going on with the Polichicks website? I cannae open it and I wish to buy some snappy merchandise! Is it down or is it me?

I think it's just you, Pellucid. And I say that with utmost respect. Try again here and see how you go.



We have some exciting new stick-on temporary tatts like this one which I love





and will be switching the focus towards our new ranga deputy as a fashion icon. Enjoy.

A nonny mouse said...
Do you like Sufjan Stevens? Not for sharing of lime cordial and biscuits, I mean his music.

Have you read Smithereens by Sean Micallef? It should really replace the Gideon's Bible in my opinion.

Have you watched Dexter (Showtime, America)? I think you would like it, but then it's not like we have broken bread together or anything. Lavosh?

What is your credit card number and expiry date?

Hey nonny no,


1. I only know two songs of Sufjan's and enjoy their melodic stylings very much, though they do occasionally make me rather miserable. Is that the intention?


2. I have not, but will do so immediately. I was allowed to speak to Mr. Micallef live on Vega fm a few weeks ago and no-one hung up on me or called security to intervene. Living the dream, folks.


3. No. I am an ignoramus when it comes to television; a fact which should be mind-numbingly obvious when it comes to my columns ZING.


4. No thank you, I just ate muesli.


5. Cheeky.

djali said...
Simon says I can't drink Coopers anymore because Coopers supports the Libs ... somehow.

"No, not even Coopers Green," he says.

Can this really be true?
Simon also says that there are shapeshifting lizard men in the shape of the British royal family and that United States foreign policy post September 11 is all part of a reptilian conspiracy to corupt humanity, and Bush is either a servant of the reptilians or a shapeshifter himself.
Should I just tell him to stay away from the msg for a while or is there some sense here?

If he's right then what am I to drink at my next election party?! Another pale ale simply ain't gonna cut the butter.

Sadly as I have let these questions sit and simmer for the better part of a month, elections have come and gone (o happy day) and with them parties and imbibery and all kinds of political-related tomfooling. I have no idea whatsoever if Coopers supports the Liberal Party of Australia. If they do they're probably the last people on the planet admitting to it, since even Janette Howard has come out and publicly stated she voted for K07 on November 24th*. I guess it's easy to become caught up in that shrill left-wing OMG HOW COULD YOU EAT DAIRY DON'T YOU KNOW CHEESE ONCE VOTED FOR MENZIES-type finger-pointing that makes you feel guilty every time you shop at Portman's or what-not and yes, we each have our own personal 'Coopers' (I still can't bring myself to patronise Bimbo Deluxe as I am a sad old bastard) but don't let Simon's cunning conspiracy theories get you too excited. This is beer we're talking about, after all...a little reverence wouldn't go astray.









*pompous and glib statement may not be entirely factual.

Langie said...
Gorblimey Djali, this is serious-Coopers supporting the Libs. Ye Pale Ale don't taste the same no more, it's that bitter cloudy bit at the bottom of the bottle that must be Essence of Howard.Yukkiepoo!
So it's back to Mr Fawkes Exploding Home Brew, or Tequila Slammers at dawn, just to give your day a greener hue. Or maybe you STEAL the bottles of Coopers Pale in the cause of Political Correctness- thereby avoiding pouring your boodle into the coffers of the Wibberals.
It was patriotic act, constable.

Or, alternatively, you could get so excited that you turn into a not uninteresting deranged literary character and stomp your way around a paragraph with a few colourful neologisms. Each to their own.



Also:

karen said...
djali: Get your friend "Them" by John Ronson. Read it yourself first in that sneaky way you do when you're horribly cheap and desparte to read a book your shortly gifting (or happen to stumble across the Christmas present stash in the top of your parent's wardrobe with your sister). ie carefully opening it to an angle that just allows you to read the pages without putting any tell tale creases in the spine. And always with clean hands.

This could go the opposite way intended and convince your friend and turn you onto the truth, might and power of the lizard people and all those other consipiracies, but hopefully you'll both just fall in love with Mr Ronson and laugh your self stupid at his mad-cap scrapes and shenanigans with the loons of the world.

Fitsy: do you have Ronson love? I haven't checked in with his column on The Guardian website for many a month but it used to be an essential part of my every Saturday when I lived in the land of the Guardian and could pick a fresh and timely copy up from my corner store. Bless the interwebs and all but I much prefer pouring over an actual paper on a lazy weekend rather than hunching in front of a laptop.

What is a Ronson? Why am I so ignorant? Is this thing on?


I'm with you on the paper vs. laptop debate...there's little more satisfying than making a mess of a breakfast table with the insufferably numerous supplements before spending a few happy hours defacing Robyn Riley's dinkus with a ballpoint pen. It's not the same when you draw biro moustaches on your computer screen; they're a fucking cunt to remove.

miss fox said...
Not so much a question, more of a "proud mama" moment. The little guy (aged 7) has decided that he MUST vote. As he says "I don't like the boss of our country. He's been making really bad decisions for us". I'm extra pleased because he came to that decision on his own (I promise!). Do I get extra parenting points for raising a lefty?

Lord bless your tiny bean and his revolutionary stirrings; we corrupt them young these days. I'm not sure if you can claim your Parenting Points 'til he's survived adolescence and made it through to voting age without suddenly announcing that he loathes you and your politics and has decided to run as a Family First candidate on a platform of anti-faggism. Remember: he will one day be a teenager and at that point he will grow an extra head. Batten down the hatches.

jh said...
Amanda Palmer or Martha Wainwright?

'For Better or for Worse' or 'Calvin and Hobbes'?

Richard Di Natale, Natasha Stott Despoja or Kerry Nettle?

Peggy Frew or Ollie Browne?

Dennis Kucinich or Ralph Nader?

Rammstein or Kraftwerk?

Lectern or lecturn?

RRR or PBS?

Does that mean you're previously disposed and are unable to hand out HTVs on the 24th for like-minded independents or similar? What if it would make the difference?

Hola,


1. I don't know Amanda Palmer, so I'd have to go the foul-mouthed Wainwright. I do so enjoy a lady who knows how to curse.


2. For Better Or Worse. I have grown up with that family. I'll feel wretched when they call it a day and stop drawing the strip in real time.


3. Queen Spot Destroyer, please.


4. Peggy. But it's close.


5. Dennis. They've both got glorious surnames though, don't they?


6. Kraftwerk. It's that pocket calculator song which tips me over the edge.


7. Lectern.


8. Triple R.


9. No HTV handing for me last Saturday, I'm afraid...though if I was told that it might 'make all the difference', I possibly would have hauled arse and made my way to the hustings, no doubt wondering all the while how Kevin's success had somehow all boiled down to the efforts of a 31-year-old Melbourne writer in knee-high boots.

Jack said...
It all very well choosing not to date a Liberal - how about when your son goes and joins the young liberals...I feel such a failure...should I boot him out and disinherent him?

Probably, yes.







Sorry for your loss and all that, but honestly. Have him put down.

Anonymous said...
You lefties are so intolerant.

As if! I DONATE TO WORLD VISION.

fern said...
what will we do IF at Queenscliff on November 24th we're confronted with the fact that we still live in a country with the majority of voters are complete retards?

seriously... what will we do?

*shudders*

Gosh, answering questions with hindsight is a lovely thing.


Did you have a nice time at Queenscliff? My parents were there. You might have seen them forming a conga line during Paul Kelly's set. My ma was the one with the leopard-print knickers on her head shrieking THE KING IS DEAD LONG LIVE THE KING.



Back to the RYWHM kiddies corner:

miss fox said...
fern and jack - there is hope for the future. The latest joke from aforementioned 7 year old:

"why did john howard run into a brick wall?
because he was riding john's bike"

the explanantion: "john howard stoles john's bike and he didn't know what he was doing and stealing is wrong and he is wrong so he ran into the wall"

This is where I pinky-swear (again!) that I have not indoctrinated my child with lefty wisdom. Perhaps it works my osmosis? If that is the case, should we simply lurk around right wing havens and hope that science does the trick?

See, you think you haven't indoctrinated your child with lefty wisdom. But standing over his bed at 2am and whispering: 'Julia Gillard is your real mother' is bound to have some effect eventually.

jh said...
Re: miss fox - can we just give 7 year olds the vote?

Oh, now there's a capital solution. Free heelys to all those who still wet the bed, and tax cuts for nose pickers. THINK IT THROUGH, JH.

Lou said...
Surely if a 7 year old can make such a decision, possibly by osmosis, then subliminal messaging would work on the 'lil Johnny supporters that seem to have less mental capacity than a 7 year old.

Grab your tapes people!!! (As you can see I am quite partial to the subliminal thing...)

Also, after a lovely night of wanky cocktails, nice gin, I ran away to a seedy dive bar, I found out he loves Johnny. He was taller than me and everything! (this should clear up last week's ambiguity, I am an amazon woman.) I had to shower and scrub myself clean, I felt so guilty given the current water situation. But the filth, the filth!

Cursed lanky conservatives, being all winsome and coquettish. Perhaps he's changed his mind after last Saturday, anyway. I haven't heard a peep from the rival camp except for a faint bit of bleating about how hard done by they were. The poor darlings.

Nona said...
Most appalling person ever:

http://www.glamour.com/sexmen/blogs/alyssa/

Oh, I don't know Nona. Genghis Khan was a bit of a poor party guest.


Although I must say any man who writes like this:

'I stayed home last night, watched a DVD and cuddled with Speedy. It took him a week or so to warm up to me, but the two of us are now inseparable. After last night I could totally understand the mentality of someone who is utterly content being single, home alone with a cup of tea, a good book/movie and a sweet kitty purring near-by. Very relaxing'


pretty well deserves a kick in the nuts, with added extras. What a fuckbag.



Also:

ButtHead said...
Nona. I guess you have not come across Tucker Max? He makes your guy look pale in the appalling stakes. I particularly "enjoyed" this post:

http://tinyurl.com/y34tn8

Or else, just use the front door:

http://www.tuckermax.com/

'That summer I experienced every random sex situation that a 20 year old can imagine: fucking on the beach, getting head from random girls in club bathrooms, sleeping with 3 different girls in a day, getting so drunk I passed out during sex, getting arrested for receiving fellatio in the pool at the Delano, blah, blah, blah...Jesus. What does it say about how fucked up my life is that I don't consider these stories to be extraordinary anymore?'


Well, we've all done it haven't we? Some of us just keep it to ourselves as we are ladies employed by upmarket newspaper makers and public broadcasters.

Nona said...
ButtHead - that's funny, Tucker Max made my blood boil last year, but I had completely forgotten about him.

The other one is Oscar Humphreys - we used to keep that interview he did in Sunday Life on our fridge, for those times we were just dying to be outraged.

The only good thing I can say about Tucker is that at least he knows he's a douche.

Oh, isn't Oscar a peach? Gracious me. There's an 'apple/tree' idiom here just waiting to be used, but I'll keep it to myself from now as I'm currently sitting in a fucking airport and feeling rather self-conscious.

Anonymous said...
http://www.theage.com.au/news/federalelection2007news/hawkes-backhand-vote-for-turnbull/2007/10/30/1193618887025.html


hot?

'FORMER Prime Minister Bob Hawke has endorsed Malcolm Turnbull to become the next leader of the Liberal Party — in the NSW State Parliament.'



Heh. Ex political leaders are so adorable when they throw their opinions into the big boy ring. I'M LOOKING AT YOU, PAUL KEATING.



More Bob:

timboy said...
Dear fits

Your thoughts in relation to Bob Hawke esquires dress sense as revealed by the Australian Financial Review this week:



Do you think this little number was chosen by Blanche, or is it an Eighties hangover gifted by Bondy following Australian victory in the 1983 America's cup

Would you vote for a man that dressed like that (or maybe more to the point would you buy Gold Coast property from a man who dressed like that)?

thoughts and ruminations please

I think he looks splendid, actually. I am a fan of the sartorially experimental and currently in love with someone who occasionally dresses like an ageing roué with learning difficulties, so Bob's pant-wear gets a massive thumbs up from me. The sooner we get K07 out of the restrictive ties and into some pastel leisure suits or a terry-towelling romper, the better the ALP will be.

ButtHead said...
@timboy

You went there.

YES!!! Regardless of dress sense I would have Hawke over KRudd or Howard in a heartbeat. And thanks for making me take the extra step to a Paul Keating resurrection fantasy. I hold you responsible for my half mongrel.

Ms Fits. Please, please, please drop "paramour"!!! You have worn it out! It is threadbare and chafed like your red nut's cock must be!

Just sayin'.

Namaste

I do tend to overuse words once I get a bit keen on them, yes. Can you guess the current one I'm flogging to death in columns and blog posts? A free drink for the first who picks it. Anyway, I'll cop your criticism (particularly as you ended it with a peaceful John Butler-type chillaxo phrase, hippy) but can't promise it won't creep out again as I have a limited repertoire and am naturally very lazy. Love me or leave, friends.

DJKL said...
My question is to do with politics. As I live in the Liberal stronghold of Julie "Bung-eyed Bint" Bishop, what can I do to really make my vote count? The way I see it, no matter what pencil mark I make on the day, my vote is essentially wasted, as ol' Bung-eyed Bish is going to romp it in anyway. Is there anything positive I can do, besides essentially achieving a one-to-one cancellation of my father-in-law's vote?

Ol' Bung-Eyes is having a field day since her meteoric rise to fame as the next big lady deputy, in a move that in no way reeks of Liberal party 'me too'-ism and should simply be viewed as a way of saying thanks to all the fly bitches who keep Doc Nelson 'real'.

Anonymous said...
do you think kevin rudd's eating of his own ear wax will be detrimental to his chances of becoming PM?

As one of his faithful followers, even I was grossed out...

And I had a disturbing dream last night in which he was forced to step down as ALP leader. no joke. what does this mean? that i'm too involved in politics?

Also i've heard you a couple of times on triple j and your voice was not at all what i expected!

Why, what did you expect my voice to sound like? It's irritating and full of swears, a lot like my writing. Surely you had some notion of its grating qualities.



With regard to your other query, I give a resounding NO. I like my Prime Minsters real and full of human fluids. I also support those who recycle. K07, keep on keepin' on.




p.s. I dream about politics too. We are dorks. Get used to it.

skips said...
Your link for six foot hick is incorrect. You scared me there for a second. I't actually http://www.myspace.com/sixfthick.

I do apologise, skips. I hope those handsome brothers will forgive me and allow me to stroke their naked flesh next time they land in town.

Sam said...
MS FITS

I am having a MORAL DILEMMA. I've just discovered - thanks a lot, Facebook! - that two of my very close (but relatively recent) friends are sincerely actually for-real going to vote Liberal.

I love these guys! It hurts me to think of - I don't even want to think about it! And whenever they're all "O BUT HOWARD HAS SAVED OUR ECONOMY ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN RUDD LOL" I can't think of any kind of reasoned rebuttal because I'm too busy staring slack-jawed at such devastating demonstrations of dumbitude in what I regard as Quite Clever People.

What do I DO? What can I SAY? Is this grounds for cancelling our friendship?

As I'm quite sure this conundrum is not unique, anyone else who wants to throw advice my way is more than welcome.

Look, I've had similar questions directed at me before, and must again point out that I am a close-minded moron who waves her tiny flag of moral outrage like the worst kind of stampy-feet twit, so it's really up to you if you want to remain on friendly terms with your right-wing compadres. Given the current moral devastation they're no doubt experiencing (your heart just bleeds, doesn't it? Excuse me while I light yet another post-coital cigarette), you may want to reach out a sympathetic hand and stroke their hair while they sob into their flirtinis. On the other hand, they made their fucking bed. Bite it, arse jockeys.

kp said...
Unbelievable how some of you would stop benig friends with someone just because they vote differently to you.

My political beliefs are very important to me, kp. Also I am a bigot.



Anyway, lou puts it far more beautifully and passionately than I:

lou said...
But kp, it's not 'just' because they vote differently, it's because the way you vote tends to reveal a whole hell of a lot about your moral values and what you care about. I, for example, would prefer not to hang out with people who prioritise, say, small government and business issues over state-funded health and education, and who believe it's justified to discriminate against minorities and the vulnerable for the sake of 'national security' Right now, this happens to typify the Liberal-voting mindset in this country, and so I am unlikely to want or have a friend who votes Liberal.

*applauds*

kp said...
That's just how you see the political divide. Liberal voters (and I am not one) interpret things differently.

If you can't see that, then you don't know your own limitations.

Do too.




And:

lou said...
I am very well aware of my own limitations, thankyou. I am also one of those irritating post-modern constructivists who choose to see the world my own way.

Care to enlighten me as to your interpretation of the 'political divide'? I'm for serious...

Over to you, kp.




My, this is engaging isn't it? I must remember to buy a coke.

Joseph said...
Could you use your investigative wiles to find out the key ingredient in a Bomb fake-sausage roll? It surely must be animals of some species or another.

jh's questions are hauntingly good, well done sir/madam. (Pass, B!, C!, B, A, Pass, A, B on Sunday mornings, N/A).

Oh dear. A food question. I shall forward it to my scientific friend Sugar and have her do some tests in the RYWHM lab. THAT'S RIGHT I HAVE A LAB.

BEVIS said...
"1. I can't believe you sought out Christie Mackay on Facebook, BEVIS. That's troublemaking 101 right there. LET IT REST.

2. That depends. From what? I'll most likely be in Tamworth for the country music festival in January, so I'll be sure to do some nosing around between rabid bootscooting sessions."


... nosing around, trying to track her down ... armed with GUNS, I take it?

Correct. Now leave me to continue my evil plans in peace.

Anonymous said...
Can you tell me about your boyfriend?

What do you wish to know, Anon? He is six years younger than me, plays guitar, grew up in the country, and is one of the funniest, warmest, most eccentric, patient and exciting people I have ever met in my life. He also looks unbelievably classy in a suit.


You will have to ask more specific questions if you wish to know more. I'll just get giddy and poetic and annoying if you leave me to my own devices.

larson_b said...
don't you just love him?

http://www.realfooty.com.au/news/news/rocker-fronts-roo-resistance/2007/11/01/1193619059504.html

I do love Tim Rogers, very deeply. Something tells me we're destined to one day exist in a blissful open marriage with children named Zappa and Pagan, but it may be some years away and borderline illegal so I'll just squirrel it away for now.

Nick said...
heya, on tuesday, i was home messing around and sharing a rose (the wine, not the flower), and i received this sms about being in a japanese establishment and the "divine ms fits" was on the next stable. and i started to think, i had no idea i had shared my obsession on ms fits with this friend. and then i started to think, how many others know about this. and why can't i bump into ms fits on the street. life isnt fair

WHY DID THESE PEOPLE NOT SAY HELLO?


It's very odd to think you've been out somewhere knocking back sake with your bloodnut love and no doubt speaking very indiscreetly and loudly about all kinds of inane matters, only to realise that the people at the table next to you were watching you with a fierce intensity and taking notes. I really must learn to behave when out and about in future.

Duk said...

My 4 & 5 year old sons refer the the Rt Hon PM as...........

......................... THE EGG! ..............................

And we're back to child-world. Kids say the darndest things, don't they?




He really is rather egg-like, you know. Your sons are quite cluey.

Joseph said...

The Herald Sun referred to PG today as 'accident-prone'. Accident prone! Honestly. You make one fucking knock knock joke to Steve Price and all of a sudden half your portfolio is taken off you. Some people have no sense of humour AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT JACKIE KELLY.

Joseph said...
Yes, Richard Wilkins thought it was a joke, but..



Okay I'm done now, carry on.

Heh. You're a clever fucker.

therapy said...
Sorry, fitz, but you're down as "fuck" on my lefty-babe blogger murder-marry-fight-fuck list.

Why are you sorry? Christ, at least I didn't end up dead or punched in the nose. I'm rather honoured, to be honest.

EJD said...
FINALLY! Another woman who recognises the innate sexual superiority of Jon-Cryer-as-Duckie-in-Pretty-In-Pink ( as opposed to Jon Cryer in sad Charlie Sheen "sitcom" vehicle) to the so-called 'brat-pack' heartthrobs of our pre-pubescent years! As much as the transformation of Rob Lowe from neer-do-well, sexually unreliable sax player Billy Hicks in "St Elmo's Fire" to thrillingly idealistic and rather yummy (if completely unrealistic) purist Democrat adviser Sam Seaborn in "The West Wing" (RIP) was distractingly exciting, nothing, but NOTHING, compares to Jon Cryer writhing against Ione's vintage vinyl while mouthing "squeeze her, don't tease her, never leave her". It's pure magic.


Good god - I swear it was the first time I got moist between the thighs, and no one has ever quite measured up since. Thanks for the memories!

Slightly cryptic question: I'm doing my best to help "the cause" (AKA: finally get rid of the rodent, '07). How do I stay sane in the face of faceless apparatchicks?!

Oh god. Your political question is happily no longer relevant, but I can think of no greater note to end on than Duckie making all us ladies damp in the gusset. All hail his sublime gorgeousness, and I'll do my best to forget that episode of Two And A Half Men I just watched on the plane.






DREAM. DATE. Andie, how could you?




*************************************



Right, I'm off. What a pleasure it is to be back. I'll do some more rejigging and reshuffling to try and fit further old q's back into future posts, but I can't promise this will be a regular thing over Summer. In the interim, leave your questions for next time in the comments below and OH LOOK IT'S NEARLY A WEEK SINCE JOHN HOWARD TOOK IT IN THE BUTT.

38 comments.