Just so you don't think I'm getting all politically stuck up my own arse, here's
a fucking wrong list .
Being accustomed to home-grown 'humour' like
Paul McDermott - stop with your cheeky antics sir, please, for my sides will surely split due to unparalleled mirth - I don't know if Jim Norton's claim to be a stand-up means he's famous in America or that he amuses people in dirty bars. Maybe both.
Anyway, I promise you'll never read anything like
his blog .
Anyone who describes himself as both resembling a scallop with fourteen year-old girl titties and as photogenic as a pail of stillborns wins points in my book.
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No doubt the Australian government would be wishing that Brian Deegan would just bugger off and mourn his son Joshua in private. Thankfully, however, the Adelaide magistrate whose 22 year-old was killed in the
Bali bombings is a pot-stirrer from way back . He's not only
campaigned for the release of asylum seeker Ebrahim Sammaki , but is now
running against Alexander 'Dolly' Downer in the seat of Mayo .
He's also made the front page of today's paper by claiming that Downer and Defence Minister Robert Hill were draft dodgers in the Vietnam War.
I think I've found a new crush.
Move at once to Adelaide and vote for him, please.
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"Mr Garrett doesn't seem to have the power or the passion to contradict his political general."(Snorting pompously with excitement for own 'quip'),"Perhaps his own lyrics were prophetic: 'When the Generals talk, You better listen to him, when the Generals talk, You better do what he say…'"
(Fluttering eyelashes in camp, 'get
her ' fashion) "Now
this is a can do man."
(With regard to a policy backflip) "But I was emotionally affected by the corroboree"
(Wisely using confectionary as point of reference) "You know government isn't about always easy decisions or being a marshmallow."
(Pouting) " But I didn't realise that becoming leader of the Liberals meant working seven days a week and travelling constantly."
"We all tolerate people's private sexual preferences (winking coyly)- that's a matter for them - but he was in his case very much in your face, very overt, and it was a matter of some substantial embarrassment to the Australian embassy."
(braying like private schoolboy on heat) "The respect we won for what we did in East Timor – not that everyone loved us for it, but they respect us for it – that’s something we don’t have to
brag about the whole time."
(Finding great amusement in wife-bashing) "Perhaps instead of the 'Things that Matter' we could address the 'Things that Batter'! Haha!"
(Dressed Hawaiian-style replete with wig and shades, singing to the tune of 'Spirit in The Sky') "Hey everyone, we're going to Brunei/That's where I'm gonna go when I die/When I die and they lay me to rest/Gonna go to the place that's the best."
(Puffed up with self-importance, playfully tweaking own nipples) "If one needed authority to refute such claims, one could do no better than to recall the words of Korea's President, and one-time political prisoner, Kim Dae Jung..."
(Hand on reporter's knee, breathing heavily through rouged lips)"A demonstration of 12 people? I think not, mon ami. I think we can cope with 12 leftists. (Suggestively) Can't we?"
He should also stop posing for photos like this:
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1. He had a huge head and tiny body. Like
Quentin . Or those children with ageing disease who Ray Martin likes to hug all the time.
2. He would insist on carrying a 'traveller' of beer in a brown paper bag wherever we went.
3. He wore his mother's old tight black jeans from the 1960's. With no underwear.
4. He couldn't promise to be faithful to me, quoting the old faithful: 'what goes on tour, stays on tour'.
5. He would curl up into the foetal position and weep at the mention of his ex-girlfriend's name.
6. If I liked a particular song or performer that he didn't like, he would sing the songs loudly in a spastic voice so I wouldn't like them anymore.
7. He made fun of me in radio interviews.
8. He used to fart so loudly in his sleep that he'd wake himself up.
9. He once got so angry he punched my toilet.
*In all fairness, I behaved absolutely appallingly at the end of the relationship and was quite the cocksmoking ass myself. But still. He sucked.
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This boy writes beautifully. I'm not sure how old he is - I only know he's under the legal drinking age in America which means that if we were in school together I would officially be able to beat him up.
When I read his work I feel slightly embarrassed about writing so many swears.
Thankfully, however, I remain shallow at heart and unable to pen anything of significance. So the vile and useless pop culture anecdotes will continue unabated.
Go at once and read his
McSweeneys List . This is him:
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‘We won’t make sad faces, will we Blades? We’ll be happy anarchists!’
‘Being the best little kid in the whole world, here’s what I did today!’
‘Bring the gear ‘round later on. And don’t worry about the old bag. I’ve got her wrapped around my little finger.’
(urging crowd to join chant) ‘Uranium isn’t nice! Unlike vanilla slice!’*
‘Well I’m glad you asked that Bernie, I really am. You see it’s real easy. Five minutes, no chopper and you’ve got a man down. Isn’t that what you say? Isn’t that what the coppers say Bernie - we’ve got a man down?’
‘Mum, this is Leonard. He’s got his own lizard.’
(as devastating put-down) ‘Is that your real hair colour…or do you use bleach?’
‘Oh yeah, Zanotti? And who’s going to stop me? You?
‘But Doctor Harry…it’s not just a stupid crush. I love you. And I know you love me.’
‘O Romeo, Romeo…you’re two hours late and dinner’s ruined!’
‘Save up your tokens and pick out your prize. You can be healthy, wealthy and wise!’
‘I’m not gay. Sam’s different, that’s all. (BEAT) Special.’
‘I only wanted to see the sea monsters…(sobbing wildly)…the sea-monsters…I wanted to see the sea-monsters…’
*Happily, I also wrote this one.
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Bat-wing t-shirt.
David Bowie circa 1974 haircut.
Legwarmers over high heels.
The gig was good. I very much enjoyed listening to the music of (from right to left):
Simon Pegg ,
Rupert Everett ,
Chesty Bonds , and
Gareth from The Office.
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