Reasons you will hate me

Olympics 2004.

Introducing the mascots for the 2004 Athens Olympic Games:

It's two penises wearing dresses, isn't it? And one of them has bosoms. Honestly. It's like something out of 'Where Did I Come From'.




At least it's better than the 1976 Montreal Olympics where they used a poo tied up in a ribbon.

3 comments.

For and Against.

Why it's good to be small:
1. Can still fit into child-size dufflecoats/Brownie uniforms/'I'm A Sunnyboy Kid' t-shirts bought at op-shops.
2. Hope that one day will have nickname 'Titch' bestowed upon me like mum did when she was a scrapper.
3. Handy if decide to become spy and observe people from secret dumbwaiter.
4. Impress people with how much food can put away in one sitting 'for such a wee thing'.
5. Head at good height for resting on boys' chests.
6. Faux-punkettes at Dangerfield suggest clothing one size too small.
7. Get asked for i.d at strip clubs.
Why it's not good to be small:
1. Last night's Franz Ferdinand concert at Palace packed with tall jiggling people.
2. Tendency to be patted on head like Benny Hill bald companion.
3. Referred to as 'cute'*.


*this is actually quite nice, to be honest.

0 comments.

Kids hit by porn wave.

...which is a great title for an article in itself. But Sunday's Herald Sun - the 'people's paper' - went one step further. If I may quote directly:
'Children are being bombarded with hard-core pornography while innocently searching the Internet. Simple searches on the names of popular music stars, athletes and even some politicians return links to web pages featuring highly-explicit sexual images totally unrelated to the name being searched.
A Sunday Herald Sun investigation revealed:
A SEARCH for websites featuring pop star Sophie Monk returned links to four pornography pages among its top 30 sites, including a Web page graphically depicting different sexual acts.
THE name of Victorian Education Services Minister Jacinta Allan returned a link to a site touting 'Sophie Allan nude photos' within the first 40 results.
A SEARCH for photos of Marlena Jeffery, wife of Australian Governor-General Michael Jeffery, returned a foreign porn site in the first 10 results.'


Please point me towards the hordes of hormonal teenagers with hard-ons perspiringly searching the net for the Victorian Education Services Minister or the Governor-General's wife . I mean, fuck's sake.


This is what we in the media industry call 'drawing a long bow'. Kelvin Healey, super-journo, I anoint you my hysterical moron of the month.




p.s. here is a picture of Marlena Jeffery for your wank banks.

3 comments.

Names of characters I have played as a child or teen actress*:

Zoe Solomon.
Josephine Coxon.
Lara Kelly.
Out-of-it Woman.
Yesterday Hubble.
Passer-by in 'Kelvin, Son of Melvin, Son of Alvin'.
Prunella Hotbuns.
Sally Marshall.
Vicki Sloane.
Healthy Kid #1.


*one of these names I made up. Guess which one. You know, if you can be bothered.

3 comments.

One year closer to death.

Happy 65th birthday, you vicious little cunt. Please die soon.

0 comments.

Three Blonde Men.

It's possibly just a case of me being warped, but these three men bear some physical resemblance in my mind. Also, I find them all unutterably lovely.
Can you guess who they are?*
a)
b)
c)




*answers in comments.

2 comments.

Things my mother has said or done to me in public which I've let her say or do**:

1. Call me 'Gert' or 'Gertie'.
2. Spit on her hand and wipe my face with it when I was over the age of seven.*
3. Flirt with my boyfriends.
4. In queues for the bank, start singing show tunes from 'Hello Dolly' or 'Godspell' at the top of her voice, then turn to me and shout: 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING ALL THE WAY OVER THERE? AM I EMBARRASSING YOU? LOOK, SHE'S BLUSHING, HAHA'.
5. Squeeze my bottom.
6. Buy me sexy underwear. Last night I received one pair of leopard-print hipsters, one pair of brown lace french knickers and one red lace bra. She even made me try them on in front of her, the SICKO.
7. Introduce me to Jason Donovan when I was a gangly, button-bosomed twelve year-old and say: 'WHATEVER'S THE MATTER? SAY HELLO!'
8. Stand up at the football and scream, red-faced: 'YOU FUCKING MORON, UMP! WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU, YOU WHITE MAGGOT?' then sit down muttering 'Disgraceful. Bloody disgraceful' while around her others look on in horror.
9.Grab my boobs and announce to whoever's listening: 'I made these. Aren't they lovely? I made them'.

*notice she spat on her hand . NOT A TISSUE. HER HAND.

**p.s. I love my mother and won't hear a word against her.

3 comments.