Last night I went to watch my
best friend in the whole world perform in
Moira Finucane's Burlesque Hour . I have NEVER SEEN SO MANY LESBIANS IN ONE PLACE AT THE ONE TIME. I was on my own, being the lone wolf-type character that I am, and ended up squeezed onto a table of particularly noisy and irritating bean-flickers who held hands and laughed too loud even through the serious bits. Even then I only really wanted them dead when the loudest one yelled at interval: 'THIS IS MY FRIEND ANDREW. WE DID A DANCE TOGETHER AT SCHOOL ABOUT OEDIPUS AND HE HAD TO CLIMB INSIDE MY VAGINAS FOR ABOUT FIFTEEN MINUTES. AHAHAAA!'
Apart from a bit where you had to guess how many jellybeans were in Carla's underpants, I think my favourite part of the show was when Azaria Universe - who has a particularly insane name but is actually quite sexy - mimed 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' completely naked but for strings of pearls. There really were a lot of vaginas in the show.
p.s. I also saw the MC5 play at the Palace. They were good. Evan Dando sang and he has lady hair these days.
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Last night I was on my way home from seeing
Dizzee Rascal at the Prince of Wales* (see review below) and listening to Tony Delroy's NightLife on 774 ABC.
Tony was doing the nightly Challenge quiz, and was asking the question: 'Which 1964 novel, written by Louise Fitzhugh, featured a girl named Harriet M. Welsch?' The answer - blindingly obvious to anyone my age with the remotest grasp of literature** - is Harriet the Spy. This is what followed that made me want to stab old people in the balls with a big splintery skewer.
Tony: We've got Eddie from Dandenong, how are you Eddie?
Eddie: Oh, not bad thanks Tony, not bad.
Tony: Got an answer there for us, Eddie? A book about a girl named
Harriet M. Welsch , and I'll give you a clue here...
she might have cause to be investigated by our intelligence agents. Eddie:
Tony: You there, Eddie?
Eddie: A girl named?
Tony: A girl named Harriet M. Welsch who kept a diary. What was the name of that novel?
Eddie: Oooh. (long, hideous pause)
Tony: (cutting him off) Alright, we've got Thelma from Blackburn. You there, Thelma?
Thelma: I think so, Tony....
Tony: Looking for the name of a novel by Louise Fitzhugh about a girl named Harriet. The title's got three words in it. Any ideas?
Thelma: Harriet's Diary?
Tony: Nice try Thelma, but I said three words.
Three . Goldie on the line now, Hello.
Goldie: Yes Tony, well I just want to say that it's a terrible shame about the Burnley tunnel, isn't it?
Tony: Certainly is a shame. Any thoughts on the book? A girl named Harriet who might have something to do with our
intelligence agencies . Perhaps a detective, or a...
Goldie: Doctor?
Tony: Not a doctor, Goldie. No. Sam from Coburg, G'day Sam.
Sam: Oh, gooday Tony. You know that book Wind in the Whistle...
Tony: Wind In the Willows, yes Sam...
Sam: Well, the initials of that are double-you eye-tee double-you.
Tony: (Pause) Not quite sure what you're getting at here...
Sam: (with feeling) The
initials . The
initials .
Tony: (Pause) Yes. (cuts him off) Another clue, the initials of the book
we're actually talking about are H.T.S. HTS. Bruce from Bairnsdale?
Bruce: (madly, away in distance)...about three pieces?
Tony: (sensing lunatic, cuts him off) Not it I'm afraid. Gosh, we're having some trouble tonight aren't we? Don't think anyone out there actually knows the name of this novel. Ida, you there?
Ida: Could I have another clue, Tony?
Tony: It's a book about a girl named
Harriet . She's some kind of detective or
spy . There are
three words in the title. One of them is
Harriet . Initials, H - T - S.
Ida: (long pause) Could I have another clue, Tony?
I can't write what happened next because at that point I drove off the road in a smarmy, 'oh fuck I
know this you utter cunts ' manner after failing to get through on my mobile. It was the grown-up talkback equivalent of 'pick me, teacher, pick me!'.
If you're interested to hear more of Tony Delroy's NightLife:
Monday July 26 Surviving Solo - Single life in the new Millenium
Tuesday July 27 Superannuation with Daryl Dixon
Wednesday July 28 Mandy McDonald Podiatry
Thursday July 29 Motoring with Will Hagon
Friday July 30 Astronomy with Jonathan Nally
*Dizzee Rascal - excellent except for strange table-top dancing routine with girls from the audience half-way through, and the fact that the set only went for 35 minutes. Tonight I am going to see the MC5 because I am quite rock and 'now'.
** Or perhaps only bookish lonely girls like myself.
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There's nothing like seeing a car double-parked outside the brothel next door to your work with a 'Baby On Board' sticker on the windscreen. Not just a normal-sized sticker, either. This was one the car's owner made up him/herself on a computer which took up a quarter of the car's window. I guess there's no better place to advertise that you're with child than outside a house of sin.
I have yet to see these stickers outside the brothel:
Also I looked for one on the net that said 'Just inside getting anus reamed! Back in a jiffy!' but was, alas, unsuccessful.
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This in today's Green Guide letters:
'On Hi-5, in a segment on kangaroos, a talented blonde girl starts singing a song. I am quite sure that the song was intended to go on harmlessly about kangaroos. How horribly wrong they were when she started singing "K-K-K everything is A-OK". At first I thought, I must have misheard that. Again she sings the chorus, "K-K-K, everything is A-OK". Is this what we want the children of this world to learn? Apparently the big white hats are free on entry to a live Hi-5 show.'*
Look at them.
Don't they look like they just want to fuck some black shit up? Sure, there's an Asian in there but you totally know she's riding in a separate bus and using a different water bubbler.
*I did not make one word of this letter up. Charles Kimpton of Malvern, I salute your fucking balls-out insanity.
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Cunt-rag.
Gobby Trout*.
Arse-whore.
Bumlord.
Shitflipper.
Vag-Scrape.
Fucktard.
Ballbag.
Suck-back**.
Cock-knocker.
Or, to put them in context:
Cunt-rag.
Gobby Trout.
Arse-whore.
Bumlord.
Shitflipper.
Vag-scrape.
Fucktard.
Ballbag.
Suck-back*.
Cock-knocker.
*With thanks to my evil overlord, Daniel Kitson .
**So as to imply one should have been 'sucked back' at birth. Of course.
Because then, you know, in Crosby's case, he wouldn't have tried to take credit for all the good songs Gene Clark wrote for the Byrds and nor would he have been a vicious little cunt who terrorised Clark out of the band.
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1. I went on
this ride and screamed like a fucking idiot with brain damage.
2. I was asked for i.d. to prove I was over eighteen.
Four times . I am twenty-eight years old and have decided to unequivocally keep the pigtails. If ridiculous hair is going to get me carded for the next few years and make me look enviously young around my
friends who don't get asked for i.d and are obviously utterly jealous of me , then bring on the braids and ribbons. And knee-high socks. There's got to be knee-high socks.
3. I was walking into a strip club feeling decidedly shady and hard, when the cute girl at the counter stopped taking my money and started staring at me.
'Excuse me,' she said. 'Weren't you on telly once?'
There is nothing like being recognised as a child actor when you're handing over sinful dollars to see naked ladies' parts. Because yes, that is what I am and I'm revealing it to you all now as it's time we were truthful with each other.
See? That's me in the middle. Obviously I look much hotter than that now and wear more revealing clothing. The pigtails have stuck, though.
4. Also another man came up to me at a bar named Clocks and said exactly the same thing. Which leads me to the conclusion that I must be somehow trapped in a time warp where around me others age while I stay vivacious and child-like.
Either that or I have some very obsessed fans who were way too 'into' HK2* and now follow me around the country to paw and me and try to touch my hair.
* This is the cool and in way to refer to Henderson Kids 2. You may not use it unless you were actually in the show, which you weren't and I was. So stop trying to impress me.
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I found a blog of like-minded political folk which I can't reveal the name of because the bloggers are about sixteen years old and their teachers might find out. Seriously.
For some reason, I find the following post to be fucking genius. You have to read right to the bottom and the gold will be revealed.
'The environment is one of biggest issues facing our world today. There are newspapers, websites, and even whole political parties dedicated to its preservation. The main threats to it are from factories dumping, governments not regulating, and logging. The first two are easily preventable, but the third, which causes a large percentage of the damage is not so easily stopped. The logging is mostly in countries like Brazil or the Congo, where the people rely on it for a living. The logging industry provides work for thousands of people there, and the land cleared provides farming land for thousands more, whose food provides sustance to millions. If the environmental activists had their way, these people would all starve, and it would severely depress the economies of these growing countries, hurting even those who arent in the logging industry.
In the first world countries like Australia, the U.S., or even Tasmania (maybe a two and a half world country), the logging should be cut down on, at least in first growth forests.
Admin. This just in - James is gay.'
3 comments.
