1. Do you ever watch more Big Brother than you planned?
- I always make a promise to myself not to watch BB Up Late because it’s so mind-numbingly inane, and yet if it’s on and I’m still awake, things just happen…
2. Has Big Brother interfered with your job?
- How else could you keep up with constant changes on the BB
official and
unofficial website if you didn’t press 'refresh' half hourly? SERIOUSLY.
3. Is your Big Brother viewing causing conflict with your spouse or family?
- Only when they tell me Terri wasn’t so bad after all, or that Ryan deserves to win. He is a lunk-headed cocknose.
4. Do you feel depressed, guilty, or remorseful after you watch Big Brother?
- Yes. I am smarter, stronger and better than this. Plus I write tv for a living, so reality television is essentially doing me out of a job.
5. Do you watch Big Brother almost continuously until the supply is exhausted?
- Yes. I have also re-read diary updates on the website for no other reason than to satisfy my cravings and to make me feel superior to other people doing the
quiz .
6. Have you ever experienced sinus problems or nosebleeds due to Big Brother?
- No, but I cut my hand open on The Mummy Returns ride at Dreamworld when I visited for an eviction.
7. Do you ever wish that you had never taken that first line, hit, or injection of Big Brother?
- Yes. Oh my god, yes.
8. Have you experienced chest pains or rapid or irregular heartbeats when watching Big Brother?
- Yes. Particularly during eviction shows when Gretel repeats ‘It’s time to go…’ and then leaves an interminable pause without saying anyone’s name JUST TO DRIVE ME CRAZY, FUCKING SHE-MALE BALLBAG.
9. Do you have an obsession to watch Big Brother when you don't have it?
- I’d rather be watching the live feed right now than doing this quiz, if that’s what you mean.
10. Are you experiencing financial difficulties due to Big Brother?
- Virgin Airlines return ticket to Queensland - $350. Car hire - $175. Accommodation on the Gold Coast - $310. Day pass to Dreamworld plus eviction cocktails and Gold reserved seating - $120. Clinging onto lost ‘ironic pop culture’-esque youth with a desperation bordering on revolting – priceless.
11. Do you experience an anticipation high just knowing you are about to watch Big Brother?
- Yes. Particularly if it’s Uncut and I’m about to see Trevor's cock.
12. After watching Big Brother, do you have difficulty sleeping without taking a drink or another drug?
- Yes. But I have difficulty sleeping without taking a drink or another drug most nights.
13. Are you absorbed with the thought of watching Big Brother even while interacting with a friend or loved one?
- Put it this way. I was watching Paul Kelly play beautiful music in the Arts Centre at 8pm on a Sunday thinking: ‘Someone’s been evicted. Someone’s sitting on that stage right now with Gretel. I wonder who it could be? I wonder when I'm going to get to watch the video?'
14. Have you begun to watch Big Brother alone?
- Yes. Preferably with no pants on.
15. Do you ever have feelings that people are talking about you or watching you?
- Yes. I also have feelings that people come and read my blog, but that’s possibly delusional.
16. Do you watch more Big Brother to get the same high you once experienced?
- Live streaming is a natural progression and nothing to be ashamed of.
17. Have you tried to quit or cut down on watching Big Brother only to find that you couldn't?
- Yes. Oh my god, yes.
18. Have any of your friends or family suggested that you may have a problem?
- My mother cries a lot. But that could also be due to aforementioned drink and drug use.
19. Have you ever lied to or misled those around you about how much or how often you watch Big Brother?
- Only when it’s someone I would want to impress who might find it lame, like
Greg The Boyfriend or
Fabrizio Moretti . And
Bob Ellis . If Bob Ellis asked me, I’d deny all knowledge.
20. Do you watch Big Brother in your car, at work, in the bathroom, on airplanes, or other public places?
- I don’t
watch it in the bathroom, but I certainly pretend I’m
on the show while I’m doing a wee.
21. Are you afraid that if you stop watching Big Brother your work will suffer or you will lose your energy, motivation, or confidence?
- On the contrary. I’d probably be able to get things done. And my hair would probably be shinier.
22. Do you spend time with people or in places you otherwise would not be around but for the availability of Big Brother?
- My friendship with fellow addict (and owner of wide-screen projector tv) Dirty Derek seems to have blossomed since he’s started holding Sunday night eviction drinks.
23. Have you ever stolen drugs or money from friends or family?
- Yes. But I hardly find that relevant.
If you have answered Yes to any of these questions, you may have a cocaine problem. There is an answer...come to meetings of Cocaine Anonymous, read the literature and join us...we want to help.
3 comments.
So I haven't been updating my blog - and I can tell from all those anguished comments that my readership is, as they say in the Big Brother house, 'devo' - but I have an excuse. I'm in Brisvegas, rubbing shoulders with
One Nation voters and driving past places with names like, no shit,
Aussie World and Nostalgia Town.
Happily, I found the following gem in the Sunshine Coast Daily:
'
Frog raps out message A streetwise rapping frog called Croak Daddy will front a Cairns City Council campaign to educate children about the dangers of playing in stormwater pipes and drains. Croak Daddy and friends Calista Frogheart, Taddy the Twirp and Lippy de Slim star in a 30-second television cartoon warning of drain dangers and screening in the Cairns region from today. The city has an extensive system of stormwater drains and pipes to channel water away from the heavy downpours in the wet season.'
Coming soon - Kool Moe Koala 'busts' the facts on Chlamydia, ODB spills on STD's, and MC Skat Kat from the Paula Abdul music videos speaks out about the sex addiction that cost him his career.
0 comments.
Busted my first friend googling himself yesterday. He left a message on my answering machine saying 'wow, I just came across this little blog you've been doing and you haven't mentioned anything. Very funny, young lady.' (he really said this, I'm not just blowing smoke up my own arse. Okay, he didn't say
exactly the words 'very funny young lady', but he definitely implied that I was hilarious in some way). I tried to figure out how he knew about the blog - because, being the shy retiring thing I am, I've been hiding my cyber 'light' under a web-related 'bushel' - and then realised that he'd googled himself and found my mention of him in an earlier post. Just to make him feel super important, I'll drop his name again. Shannon Vanderwert. From
Dallas Crane . He's hot. You should buy their album so you can hear his hot drumming. And here's a not-very-good picture of him with his hot bandmate, Pat Bourke.
*Because, you know, I've never ever ever googled myself. Never. For shame.
1 comment.
Hospitality Crushes I have had and Retarded Things either me or my best friend Gabi have said to them:* 1. Hot Cowboy who wears sleeveless western shirts, Napier Hotel - me (breathless with wine and hormones): 'Do you know my friend Dirty Derek has a theory that the staff at the Napier get, like, one happy pill between them at the beginning of their shift and only one person has it and is in a good mood and everyone else is totally grumpy and mean to the customers?' Him (grumpy and mean and deeply unamused): 'That's funny.'
2. Adorable lanky boy with very low jeans named T.C who used to work at Retro - me (to Gabi, whispering): 'Say something funny to him and if he says something funny back I'll know we're destined to be together.' Gabi (to T.C): 'Um...what does T.C. stand for?' T.C. (dumbly): 'Nothing.'
3. Owner/Chef at B-Coz - me (on phone): 'Hi. I ate at your restaurant last night. Would you like to go on a date with me?' Him (foolishly): 'Yes.'**
4. Danny McKenzie, beautiful Scottish waiter at Tin Pot - him (on seeing that me and Gabi were playing Gin Rummy): 'Playing cards, eh? Got a few there.' Gabi (gazing, hypnotised, at his soft lips and speaking as though in a trance): 'Fourteen.' Pause. Him: Walks away.
5. Slightly-foppish-but-somehow-it-works-for-him raven haired gent who waits at Cookie - Me: 'Could we have some plates for sharing please?' Him (straight-faced, perfectly sarcastic): 'No. We don't have plates.' Me (in on the joke, feeling chuffed at own dry wit): 'Okay, then. Don't worry about it. That's fine.' (Five Minutes Later, Him returning with plates to put on table and continuing 'gag') Him: 'Here are the glasses you wanted. You wanted glasses, right?' Me (totally forgotten the joke, slack-jawed and confused): 'What? No. We wanted plates.'
6. Hot karate waitress with big shoes, Tin Pot - Her: 'Who's having the bagel?' Me (raising hand): 'Sorry.'
* A proper HC is someone whose hotness forces you to order way more food/drink than you actually want just so you can sit there and stare at them.
** this date turned out to be really boring. I went to his restaurant at closing time and he talked for hours about buying fresh fruit and vegetables from the market.
Have I missed any? Post your HC's and/or ridiculous things you've said. Go on.
0 comments.
I don't know why, but
this site kind of interested me. It's links to bloggers who are battling/have battled alcoholism. The funny thing is I found it through
Ultragrrrl's website - I guess 'Namenlonsen Trinker' (unassuming pseudonym there, friend) googled the words 'stopped drinking' and found Ultra's music-obsessed NY hipster site. It seemed to confuse him/her (though probably not as much as
this non-alcohol related google).
Considering I've made a pact with myself to have two liquor-free days per week, and to also try and pare back the evenings involving three bottles of wine, no underpants and a shaved dog, it struck some kind of chord. Nothing overly empathic. More along the lines of 'boy, I'm glad I'm not as fucked up as THOSE folks! Now, who's for a brandy cruster?'
When I read websites where drinking is worn as a badge of pride it makes me want to drink more. But then I come into work with a soaked head and it makes me want to drink less. Curiously, the alcoholic blogs make me want to drink more. Maybe I've got a point to prove.
6 comments.
I am having a terrible time at work waiting to hear if the show I'm writing has 'got up' (that's a technical show-business term for all you plebs out there). While I can't mention the name of the network we're dealing with - let's just call them Channel Geven - I have certainly made my feelings of frustration known around the office through a) karate-kicking furniture, b) pressing my nose mournfully up against glass partitions and sliding it around and c) screaming maniacally 'FUCK THEM. FUCK THEM ALL UP THE ARSE' at regular intervals.
We're waiting for this stupid phone call that never comes because all the Channel Geven motherfuckers are too busy patting each other on the back ,or finding a 'vehicle' for Aussie Joe Bugner, or fellating donkeys or whatever the fuck they do in their spare time. I've been sitting in my office grousing and bitching and idly googling myself for about three hours and it's not helping. Two minutes ago I was just about to start another round of karate-kicking when the 'legal eagle' at my company dropped by to say she was heading home and to see how I was holding up. 'Motherfucking arse-munching cock bandits' I said helpfully. In her inimitably socially retarded fashion, she headed off my swearing at the pass by replying: 'You think this is bad? My brother-in-law had bowel cancer.'
There was more to her story, but the first bit certainly shut me up. Until I realised it was merely a distracting ruse. Give a shit about her fucking brother. WHAT ABOUT MY FUCKING SHOW??
2 comments.
The Spazzys were guests on
my radio show last night and were big rock n roll spunks. Kat complained that being poor struggling musicians they were always hungry. They'd started a competition called 'Win A Date With The Spazzys' where some lucky winner would not only have the privilege of spending an evening with them, but also paying for their food. This sounded kind of pathetic to me and Pauly P, so we started devising a campaign to get them fed. Almost immediately, a kind-hearted punk-rock listener called up with an offer of a barbecue at his house on Monday. 'We love meat!' Kat yelled into the phone, 'So feed us heaps of meat!'
If you've got a few bucks to spare and would like to spend a night dining with three of Melbourne's hottest rock bitches, you can email
The Spazzys through their website, or let me know and I'll pass your details on. No, seriously.
1 comment.
