Reasons you will hate me

Friday q and a #88.

Gosh, you're a patient lot. I do appreciate the kind sentiments telling me to go on my merry way and have a life free of queries, although those who left comments informing me to just hurry the fuck up and tend to q and a without the slightest regard to my personal well being can go jam a rusty nail in their pee hole. It's late, I'm getting to them eventually and overall these Friday questions have been spread out over a few days so we can all stay friends and I may frolic naked through the fields with my ginger-haired beau. Sue me.




p.s. 68 comments? Do you think I've got nothing better to do with my time? Honestly it's no wonder I drink, etc.

TimChuma said...
Thoughts? Opinions?
http://nocussing.com/home.html

They have a music video also
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTNv2dOBFJk

'Ya wanna hang with us? Don't cuss!'


Clearly I would be excommunicated from this group quicker than you could say 'arsepunching cuntrags', as I tend to swear like Chopper Read with Tourette's without the slightest provocation. What's wrong with a little colourful language anyways? I'd much rather be known as a guttersnipe with a filthy mouth than a fish n chip shop owner who thinks Indigenous Australians eat their young. Call me old-fashioned, but that's just my way.

ButtHead said...
Pah... Spam filter, huh? That's not spam...

My dot com spam filter can be a little aggressive, apparently. Apologies. Don't get all het up and blame Joseph; he's created such a magical world for us so far.

Morg said...
I'm a man and have no idea what it feels like to have a cyst removed from my foreskin. I feel alienated and you've lost me.

Another reader bites the dust. Wait 'til my next column, exploring the depths of a woman's vaginal cave from the perspective of a tiny dwarf with a wand. I call it 'Tampon Applicators Through The Ages' OH WAIT MIA FREEDMAN ALREADY WENT AND WROTE IT ROFL.

JonBonJovi said...
Lovely MissFits,

I never speak about politics - but seeing as its election time I wanna know this; I want some good reasons why Kevin07 isn't just Howard lite.

I feel its just hopelessly naive to think a Labor government is going to bring some genuine compassion and cosmopolitanism to power - they are going to continue to pander everything to the herald sun crowd. The fucking pandering IS the disease. Worse than any Liberal policy is the atmosphere of CANT that is killing us - we're choking on bullshit. See Labor's thunderous rebuttal of anti-Sudanese sentiment - NOT. Labor is doing exactly what the Dems do in the states - failing to express a necessarily elitist moral vision in an effort to appear "down home". I just am reading "the unknown terrorist" - very bleak but dead-on in showing the cultural climate; it seems there is no alternative. I'm sure many of your friends are on about this. What do you say to them? Why do you have such hope that pandering politics, left or right, is going to help out anyone? Of course I could be overlooking something good about your mob, so please fill me in. No pamphlets in the mail but.

PS
Garrett, when you dance with the devil, you don't change the devil - the devil changes you.

Yeah, I do hear your pained grievances. And I'm under no illusion that K07 is going to dance into power with a massive conga line of suckholes pinko beatniks behind him, banging drums of revolution and promoting forward-thinking socialism as they grow their hair long and smoke giggleweed during Question Time. As I've stated many during a q and a, I am promoting the Left - or what ragged semblance of Left remains in the ALP - in order to get the Coalition out of power. I firmly believe that the country is in a state of heartbreaking moral decline, and we've been running on empty reserves of fear and loathing for far too long.


Will the ALP change anything? Possibly. Possibly not. But the time is ripe for movement and I am going to ride the tide of change. Let's see what happens when we reach the other side.



Or alternatively:

Anonymous said...
Well said JonBonJovi and may I say that I regard Livin' on a prayer as not only a great track but inspirational for those labouring under Work Choices but gettin' by on just love and a prayer...


We've got to hold on to what we've got,
('cause) it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not.
We've got each other and that's a lot,
for love - we'll give it a shot


As for Garrett, I'd either go the Nietzsche:

He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.

Or else just completely unhinged and violent verbal abuse...

Not a question, but I do enjoy the lovely political discussion that occasionally takes place in the comments of this blog.


And the rhyming couplets, of course:

Witty Pseudonym said...
Julia Julia Julia
Smart as an encyclopaedia,
Julia Julia Julia
Liberals, she’ll make a fool of ya,
Julia Julia Julia
I wish I was in a pool with ya.

My question is, do you know what Julia's favourite thing in the world is?

So I may impress her.

Would you feed me lines over a walkie talkie while I have an uncomfortable, nervous but hilarious first date, but then she learns my words are actually yours so she falls in love with you making me sad but then I end up happily with a clumsy walkie talkie shop assistant. Yes, I want to be in a comedy romance with Julia. Who is in?

1. What an intriguing poem. Boy, are you on top of your game - if poetry is indeed your 'game'.





*narrows eyes*





2. Julia's favourite thing in the world is Tim Mathieson. The man gives her scalp massages for free. YOU HAVE NO CHANCE.


3. I'm not sure - given your recent and colourful attempts to startle most people on this blog with your mildly deranged interjections and attempts at stalky poetry - that I'd be all that keen to unleash you upon my second-favourite ranga in the world. Can you not just admire her from afar and send her locks of your pubic hair in the mail like a normal, garden-variety psychopath?

Lou said...
Fits...
Would it be drastic to say I was going to kill myself if 'lil Johnny gets back in? I have been running around for the last few months blurting this out to anyone that will lend me their ear, and now I realise I may just be held accountable if in fact Australia fucks it up. I dont really want to die, but living under another term of demon Johnny may just be a fate worse than death.

P.S. I have texted the "Don't fuck it up" pic to everyone I know, and have shunned Liberal voters, is this taking things too far? Should I just pat them on the head and try to subliminally message them to vote Kevin07? With tapes whilst they're asleep etc.

P.P.S. The sun just came up, do I need a new job???

So many questions! Such passions! I am with you all the way, s/he of the ambiguous naming.

To answer:


a) I'm not sure it's drastic to say you're going to fling yourself from a bridge in a fit of pique if JWH is for some ungodly reason allowed to wave the winner's pennant on November 24th, though the idea of actually going through with it is a bit much. Won't someone think of the children, etc. I guess if the unthinkable occurs and we're all left staggering around the streets clutching at wineglass stems and wailing WTF HOW HOW HOW then we just do what we did last time and pick ourselves up to fight another day.



Not without a massive amount of Valium first, obviously.



b) As far as I'm concerned, there's not really a 'too far' moral line to cross in the lead-up to Australia Deciding. I'm not shunning Liberal voters so much as stabbing them in the eye with a pair of kitchen scissors and shouting at them to TURN BACK BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE, but in the end they'll do what they do and we can't really stop them.



c) No. Just take up vampirism; it pays dividends come dawn.

dogadorer said...
Thanks so much for posting Bob Ellis pictures! She is so beautiful. Look at her little dress!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So cute.

Do you go walking or jogging with her? Are you able to walk her off the lead? Does she 'sit' and do any other tricks?

HOW CAN I POSSIBLY LOOK AT HER DRESS WHEN I AM BUSY GAPING AT YOUR MANY EXCLAMATION MARKS DOGADORER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Anyhow, that dress was forced upon Bob Ellis by Aunt Gabi, who brought it back from Tuscon as a hugely comedic and ironic gift only to unceremoniously land me the ignoble task of explaining to sour-faced onlookers why I'd chosen to dress my Staffordshire Terrier in a wee pink ballgown and drag her around Northcote as a merry jape. What a hideous woman she is.



To answer your questions, I do not go 'jogging' with Bob Ellis as the notion of someone as idiotically uncoordinated as me slipping into some shiny exercise gear and taking a brisk run around the neighbourhood is hugely laughable, though I do take her for long and involved strolls every day and am very happy for it. She's incredibly capable of being walked off-lead (I feel like I'm going to launch into some plaintive Ellen DeGeneres-style dog love here), and after some rigid weeks at puppy school will sit and approach Mother on command, though most everything else she does at her own damned pace. She's obedient enough and I'm four exotic varities of nuts about her. Is that sufficient for ye?

Shane Lyons said...
anonymous said...
can you give me a good reason to keep on living?

Then Fitsy said...

I can give you four off the top of my head, Anon.

1. The sunset at Mindil Beach Market in Darwin
2. The music of Avo Part (sic)
3. Literature
4. Hope.


Arvo Part! Ace. (Unless you meant this) Any particular favourite pieces? How did you discover him? Any other modern "classical" composers you like? (And yes, anon, it is a good reason to go on living).

Bob Ellis looks very dejected/disappointed with her owner in that dress. How often do you subject her to this sort of indignity? Do you buy clothes like that expecially for her or is that one of yours? Should I call the RSPCA?

Yes, my bad with the misspelling. Apologies.


A dear friend burned me some Arvo earlier in the year and I fell madly and instantly in love - I'm yet to delve more deeply into track names and the like, though have been wholly and comprehensively transfixed. I like the fractured, broken stuff like Fratres, or the incredibly stripped-back minimalist pieces. As far as modern classical composers go, I'm horrifically undereducated though willing to learn. And yes, let's continue to press that point - beautiful music is a good reason to go on living.



re: Bob Ellis and her repulsive frock. IT WAS THE FAULT OF THAT LARGE-BREASTED CABARET PERFORMER NOT ME.

Anonymous said...
would you ever date a liberal voter?
heck, would you even be friends with one?

No, I wouldn't. I've copped some amusing vitriol in my time for publicly stating that I'm unlikely to touch the penis of anyone who is a card-carrying John Howard supporter, but that's just me and my politics and if you don't like it you may politely go and fuck yourself. I can make small talk with those who get a hard-on for the Liberal party as I am incredibly well-mannered, though I can't say I'd be a passionate friend and support to them throughout life as the state of play in politics is just far too important to me and I don't see voting as a mere personality accoutrement.


Different strokes and all that. If you wish to skip down the street holding hands with someone who thinks Abodiginal folk require constant babysitting then by all means knock yourself out.



Further opinions:

It's Barbie, Bitch said...
@Anonymous@19.02

I can't speak for the miz, but personally, I'd rather eat dirt than share spit with a Large L Liberal. But as for friends... love me, share my politics etc.

And the question? Check this out, lovely one. Is my pooch not adorable?



He's like fine wine. He ages beautifully. I love him.

He's utterly gorgeous, along with your personal politics. Warmings to you and your stern-faced hound.



More dating of the enemy conundrums:

SallySadPants said...
Ms Fits, I have a problem. I've been single for the past 2 and a bit years, and I've finally found a boy! He's such a little spunk and is super nice and all that..but I recently found out that he's a Howard supporter. Can it last? I really like him and I know he likes me, but I don't think I can move past this. Is it wrong of me to ditch this boy because of his political views and possibly risk being single for another 2 and a bit years?

It's not wrong if you're personally able to see past the moral arguments in order to cop nookie. It's entirely up to you.


Though this person disagrees:

Anonymous said...
Sally SadPants -
Bummer. Oh well, back to the sea for some more fishin', hey?
x

As does this one:

Anonymous said...
SAL said...

My name is Sally, I have been sadly single for two years but I am NOT SallySadPants!

No! it cannot last!

No! you can't get past this!

No! it is not wrong to ditch him for his political views - not when they include supporting an illegal war, persecuting refugees, retarding the republic and reconciliation processes, breaching the separation of church and state by apointing an Arch Bishop who had failed to act on child abuse as Governor General, locking Sydneysiders out of their own town during APEC, putting a GST on books and ads on SBS, reducing medicare services while directing rivers of cash to the health insurance companies, deporting Australian citizens, promoting nuclear power and moving the Prime Minister's residence to the North Shore of Sydney at considerable additional expense to the tax payer for no justifiable reason!

For a fuck's sake?!

Snap out of it girl! You are giving us Sad-Panted Sallys a bad name!

*hyperventilates*

*expires*

Dear me. Okay, so clearly in some cases there are folk (myself and this young SPS above included) who wouldn't be able to look past a beaming fan of Alexander Downer attempting to stick their dingle in us, but that doesn't mean it's a formula that works for everyone. Who knows, if I find myself suddenly and startlingly single and unable to get laid after a matter of years I may well be able to block my ears and overlook a voting 'quirk' in order to dust out the cobwebs and have my area tended to by a gentleman of the Right.
































Actually, no. Fuck that. I'd rather masturbate with a rusty weed whacker. Conservatives be damned.

Anonymous said...
Do you think you could have got where you are career-wise if your mum wasn't 'in the business'? I note that your first few successes were collaborations with your mother. Would you say she gave you a 'leg-up'?

Both my parents were 'in the business' - it really was impossible for me to escape since I grew up with two actors/writers/producers as role models - though I'm really not sure how much of a part nepotism had to play in my career. Indeed, at various stages my association with my ma and pa proved an intolerable hindrance, since I'd turn up at script meetings only to have co-workers pat me on the head and briefly mention that they'd known me since I was knee high to a grasshopper and do please pass on regards to Mama Fits and so on, without acknowledging that I was there to make televisual magic as their peer.


From the age of about eighteen I was fairly determined to have a crack at it without relying on my folks for backup, and the collaboration you refer to wasn't embarked upon until I was twenty-four. I was pretty keen to be known as someone outside of 'the loin product of Mr and Mrs Fitsette' and did some gritty-teeth solo product for a while there.



Still, I don't know. They do ghost-write my GG column every week and play me like the hopeless glove puppet I am, so I really should give credit where credit's due.

Pellucid said...
Yessss! Kevin did an EXCELLENT job in the debate!!!! He did the exact opposite of fucking it up! Way to go, my confidence is restored.

Did you see? Thoughts?

PS and yes indeedy, Marmalade with his words and his jokes = hot

Wasn't he a dreamboat? To be honest with you, my thoughts on the debate tend to match this sharp-witted political commentator's (MY BUT SHE HAS HER FINGER ON THE PULSE FOR SOMEONE SO COMELY), though I will add that after the brief and not unfulfilling euphoria of Sunday night I remembered with a start that Beazley and Latham 'won' debates of elections previous and it made not a lick of difference to their loserly chances. Then I drank some more wine. Time passed.

jctrue said...
fits
i respect your opinion of the political landscape of Australia
however
i want to know (i am a SWING voter - lol - its the only thing i SWING at and at this election i am swinging WILDLY at labour kevin07 is the one fo sho)
how did you become such a die
hard
labour supporter?

jc
xxx

I'm not really such a diehard ALP supporter so much as I am anti-Conservative. I've never joined the Labor party, nor do I see them as flawless icons. I'm just passionate about politics and engaging with the world I exist in, and keen to pore over the whys and wherefores of the folk in charge. Also I have a fiery urge to boot every right-wing fuckrag I meet square in the moosh. Perhaps it's genetic.

Ben said...
How does one do words and jokes in such a way as to be "hot"? I never seem to be able to achieve hotness in anything I do. It was the same in high school, when I attempted to be depressed and brooding, but saw the girls flock to the other guy who being depressed and brooding. These days, many females laugh uproariously at my work, but I have yet to become a sex symbol.

Is physical ugliness a factor here?

See, but it's not their PANTS, is it? I mean, they don't all wear orange pants. I feel terrible, I may have ruined my reputation by suggesting that I was not, for a short time, thinking about pubic hair.

My contribution to last week's Q&A was rubbish. I apologise, will do better, etc.

You know, it's true, I am a man, of sorts, and therefore I did not understand your pap smear joke AT ALL. I was like, ooh, I wonder what on earth she is on about with her "pap smear" reference? What the dilly-o? I am scratching my large testosteroney noggin in befuddlement, why can she not make jokes that are understandable to me? I must cease my newspaper readage and scurry off to drink heavily and massage my testicles etc.

Ah, that's better, glad I got that out of the system. Are you a fan of Garry Trudeau's fine work? I am, so there. Also, Dave Barry.

I think the Chaser Death Song affair will be the thing that inspires me to write a great and incisive piece of social commentary (my second after "Passion inspires High School Crucifixion Spree"). Should the editors I send it to lose their minds and not accept it, will you read it anyway?

Have I told you about my mooted television show, Pregnant Penny PI?

What about my comic strip about a troubled performance poet, Open Mike?

Has Kerry Cue ever made you laugh, ever?

Christ, this is long. I should have saved some for next week.

1. How does one do words and jokes in such a way as to be "hot"?


This is an odd question, Ben. As far as I'm concerned, most anyone making the funny will win my heart as I am a lady who brakes for zingers. Obviously the jokes have to be above-par lest I end up making out with someone who spends entire evenings speaking in a variety of Simpsons accents, but give me a good knock-knock joke over a skinny denimed Mr. Lover Lover anyday.


Also see: Ford Fairlane.



2. Is physical ugliness a factor here?



No.


3. See, but it's not their PANTS, is it? I mean, they don't all wear orange pants.



Well, no. I see your point. But we can hardly go around pointing at their crotches and calling them Cherry Groin or Flame Cock or the like, as it's hugely unseemly and may cause them distress. Think of the rangas, for god's sake.




4. Are you a fan of Garry Trudeau's fine work?



I don't know him or them. Would I admire?



5.I think the Chaser Death Song affair will be the thing that inspires me to write a great and incisive piece of social commentary (my second after "Passion inspires High School Crucifixion Spree"). Should the editors I send it to lose their minds and not accept it, will you read it anyway?



Yes. While we're at it, the now infamous Chaser Death Song was a slice of fucking brilliance, the clever bastards. If yours is anywhere near as good I shall steal it and claim it as my own.



6.Have I told you about my mooted television show, Pregnant Penny PI?


You have not.



7. What about my comic strip about a troubled performance poet, Open Mike?



No. Although I'm starting to suspect that you are just using this forum as an opportunity to showcase your amusing ideas, you cheeky minx.



8. Has Kerry Cue ever made you laugh, ever?



Not that I'm aware of.

Nona said...
Ben, the most charming sex symbols are men who don't realise they're sex symbols.

You've got that right, Nona. Case in point -







Also:

BEVIS said...
Like me.

You mean you're not aware of your sex symbol status, BEVIS? Have you discussed this with your wife? I'm sure she'd have an opinion one way or the other.

Ben said...
Yeah, like Bevis.

Get a room, you two.

kk said...
I still think some of you are on the wrong track - abusing big "L" libs is just instant gratification, and, more importantly, doesn't change their vote. Think long term, pair up with one and breed them out of existance. (Not a question, sorry)

Oh god, I'm not sure I'm quite prepared to 'take one for the team' in that regard, kk. Tolerate some harumphing walrus gamely thrusting into me night upon night after a long discussion about those first-rate IR laws for the sole purpose of 'breeding them out'? It's a little too much to ask, is it not?

therapy said...
Thanks. :) Here's another one for you.

You just want me to propose marriage to you, don't you therapy? You lovely thing. What do you do as an encore, cook flambe?

Rustique said...
Thanks exordium "perhaps...(I) will do"!! That's the best offer I've had since Friday night. I thought the good time slap and tickle turkey baster was used on Big Brother though.

What breed is Bob Ellis? Staffie?

She is indeed a Staffie, though with a little something else mysterious coursing through her dogly veins. Fuck knows what it is; the little bugger won't sit still long enough for a DNA swab.




re: your 'hookup' -

exordium said...
51% of the population are women mr 'i need a phallic reference to understand how wrong jackie o is'.
and i've never seen my no paps to date flatmate laugh so hard. every week he says 'ohhh marieke is back this week' which i then must argue with because that would mean you left for a while.

enough with the gushing. i must set my sights on wooing rustique in lieu of the godly bob brown.
i like your turkey baste/slap connection. i don't like bb though. we can work through it i'm sure...

You can indeed:

Rustique said...

BTW you could do no better in wooing me than metioning you hate BB Exordium, I avoid it like the plague. I am obviously not above making BB references for cheap laughs though.

Can anyone sense love in the air? Should we be planning a Spring wedding? I have the perfect outfit/speech.



*hums 'Suddenly'*

Langie said...
T-shirt slogans?
I've always loved that Angel's song:-
'Am I ever gonna see your face again?'
and the refrain that always goes with it-
from out of the throats of the crowd -
'NO WAY, GET FUCKED, FUCK OFF!'

It has a delicate and direct charm all of its own.

I'm confused, Langie. Are you saying we should make a t-shirt that says NO WAY GET FUCKED FUCK OFF across the front? It seems a little aggressive, doesn't it? What's wrong with FBI FEDERAL BREAST INSPECTOR instead?

BEVIS said...
Friend of yours?

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=691036617

And is Tamworth far enough away?

1. I can't believe you sought out Christie Mackay on Facebook, BEVIS. That's troublemaking 101 right there. LET IT REST.



2. That depends. From what? I'll most likely be in Tamworth for the country music festival in January, so I'll be sure to do some nosing around between rabid bootscooting sessions.

EC said...
Hello Ms Fits,

I've just been standing two feet from K-Rudd at our local shopping centre, Deep Water Plaza in Woy Woy.

I have to apologise that I wasn't brave enough to yell "DON'T FUCK IT UP!" The security blokes were a bit scary and I've already been on the telly years ago doing loud (angry) yelling at Brendan Nelsen.

I did think of joining the messy line of people waiting to speak with him and saying it very politely, but there was a big boom microphone in between him and anyone he was speaking with.

What will we do if Howard wins again? Can you imagine Peter Costello PM? Can I borrow your paper bag? I'm feeling a bit faint.

I've not quite got my head around Howard winning again, EC - every time I start musing aloud over what I might do, my voice grows faint and I tend to stagger somewhat dramatically across the room and fall to the floor. Alcohol will be an almighty bandaid for a week or so, but after that I don't know. I suggest we reconvene in a bar somewhere to hold hands and shake our heads and drink some rather delicious Kool-Aid one of our members may have prepared earlier.



p.s. I love the idea of you queueing up to politely whisper to K07 that he perhaps should think about not fucking it up if it's all the same to him thankyou for listening have a nice afternoon. Perfect.



Your update:

EC said...
It's alright, now we have a plan. If Howard wins again we'll all go and live in Milk Town with (as one commenter calls them) the beanie boobies:
http://www.pinktentacle.com/2007/10/funwari-milk-chan-breast-shaped-plushies/

Er...alright then. I was hoping for a quiet evening with a few Brandy Alexanders, but if you insist, Milk Town it is.

Frank from Abbotsford said...
What on earth will we all do if he does fuck it up?
I've thought about emigrating, but where to? Any ideas?

To Milk Town, of course! All aboard the dairy train to boobiesville!!!


For your travel diary:


'Milk Village also enjoys four distinct seasons. In spring, everyone likes to eat dango (skewered rice dumplings) and gaze at cherry blossoms. In summer, they enjoy the beach. In autumn, they eat dango and gaze at the moon. In winter, it is customary to hole up with family in snow caves and eat mochi rice cake.'



All that and beanbags shaped like tits. Where do I sign?

Rustique said...
43 comments thus far Ms Fits, see what happens when you don't post!

Frank my suggestions would be:

Kerala

Sweden - if you’re a girl (highly unbiased article).

Or Norway

You forgot Milk Town, Rustique. The happiest place on earth. But I'll forgive you this once.



More on the debate:

kate said...
I think i just fell in love with rudd. he is intelligent. he will answer a question. dear god he might have sense of responsibility. if howard is elected again i think i will have to move to a new paradigm. new zealand just isnt going to cut my despair... question, I do maybe have one, maybe not. do you still write for neighbours? can you put in some subliminal shit? i.e.... vote Rudd. get us out of this hole we are in. I almost have started to accept it as the status quo. this is scary!!!!! please please please...

I don't write for Neighbours anymore, sadly - in fact, I haven't done so for about five or six years - though even if I did, the idea of ending a scene in the coffee shop with Dr. Karl cheerily reminding Susan to 'Vote Rudd!!!' before sauntering off to play some acoustic guitar and abuse prescription medication or whatever it is he gets up to is possibly a bit much. Besides which, do you really think dressing Harold Bishop in a DFIU t-shirt would sway any doubting voters one way or the other? It's only Ramsay street, after all.

kate said...
sorry... I am os at the moment. so watching "great debate" via the net... fuck, I appreciate what a great politician howard is, but so much so it bring up my lunch a little i am serious. Oh dear. I know people eat his words up top. My hick Ballarat cousin won't hear a word said against young Howard. I don't even know where to begin wit this side of the family. How do you reason with the the absolute? My cousin is in the navy. He was part of the ship which had a drunken person overboard a couple o year ago. I went to his wedding in a RSl in Sydney. It was fucked. Makin' chit chat I asked his friend what they do, and he said "GUNS" And I said "what???" and he said "GUNS" through his braces, I kid you not! It was the most surreal thing ever. I preceded to get very drunk.... It is worrying...these are the people...

Hang on, you asked what he did and he replied GUNS? What kind of answer is GUNS? That's not an action, it's a weapon. How confusing for you.


Someone has their nose out of joint:

Anonymous said...
Kate: you need to lighten the hell up and realise that just because people have different opinions to you, and different interests, doesn't mean they are dangerous psychos. The kid at the wedding probably sized you up in two seconds flat as a humourless liberal (small 'l'), and decided to freak you out. Deal.

And to that, Anon, I have only one thing to say.




























GUNS.




























*froths at mouth*

fatalberton said...
Ms Fits - thankyou for your kind words about the naming of our son. We chose Lydon as we thought Rotten would be a bit difficult for him in later life. Problem is he constantly gets called "Lyndon" or even "Braden" (heaven knows why). Strummer is already on the list of possible boys names but thankyou for the suggestions of Dee Dee and especially Blondie, as aside from Siouxsie, Poly and Ari Upp we were struggling on that side.

Lydon! That's fucking wonderful. Have you considered Wendy O for a girl too? She could sellotape her nipples when she's old enough to 'get involved'.

BEVIS said...
Do I have to wear a tie?

To what? Your date with Ben? I wouldn't say so; he seems a rather laidback chap.

Duk said...
Hi Ms Fits,

So when will the "DFIU" t-shirts be available? My "YR@W" one is getting a bit tatty.

And is that YouTube footage of Kev picking and eating his earwax whilst bored rigid in parliament enough to lose him (us) the election?

Lovingly,

Duk

Is this really a serious option? I'm happy to run off a few DFIU t-shirts next week if people actually want to sport them around town. They'd at least last for another fashion season should K07 make it through to the Big Chair, since he's possibly going to make a hash of it once that rush of power goes to his enormous round head.




re: Earwaxgate. I wouldn't say so. The man lunged himself face first into a pair of New York hooters and no-one gave a rat's ass. Making a between-meals bite out of personal bodily fluids will barely raise an eyebrow.

Manager, Piedemonte's Supermarket said...
North Fitzroy Banana Singles Summer Sale..

Single? Frisky? Want to let that hottie in aisle 3 know that you're good to go? By prominently displaying a hand of bananas among your groceries, you can send that single signal today! This offer can't last.

* We've gone COMPLETELY MAD! Stay tuned for more sexy summer single shopping specials.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN.

rich said...
The new John Howard election commerical:

Actually, I think JWH could do a lot worse than modelling himself as a brawny cartoon character named G.I.John who jumps around mountains in a bodystocking. At the very least it may reveal him to have some semblance of a sense of humour, which is about the only thing he'd have going for him if the Reserve Bank decide to raise interest rates Tuesday week.

Help Marmalade, sweety said...
Um, apologies to all (especially you, Therapy). Even though I have no idea how to use my crappy trial version of Paint, I still want in this Howard meme thing at the ground floor.

Please feel free to take this idea and turn it into something good.

It's very good as it is, HMS. The idea of Australia's Prime Minister scootching against the ground to relieve symptoms of an itchy backside is tickling to me in myriad ways. Not to mention the thought that he'd most likely sniff the carpet when he was finished.

Andy Pants said...
Will you add me on facebook?

To be honest, I'm kind of downsizing Facebookings as I'd prefer to be able to post nakie photographs of myself and my male companion without complete strangers copping an eyeful. I very much like the idea of the folk on there being dear friends in real life, rather than the frenzied ADD ME 2 UR TOP 8 myspace phenomenon of a few years back. Please accept my polite stepping aside of your query in the respectful tone with which it is offered.

Mercurius said...
Dear Ms Fits

This week, an intrepid early-morning oarsman in Adelaide attracted attention for calling the PM a back-bottom.

http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/howard-heckled--again/2007/10/23/1192941020697.html

But many years ago, the former Premier of Victoria attracted attention for calling the then Opposition Leader a front-bottom.

http://australianpolitics.com/states/vic/87-03-23_car-phone.shtml

I would normally say that a Premier's opinion should trump that of an anonymous oarsmen, but then that would mean agreeing with Jeff Kennett.

So I can't decide. Who is right?

It's quite alright to agree with Jeff Kennett when he's quoted as saying things like this:

'I said to him, I said, "Howard. You're a cunt. You haven't got my support, you never will have and I'm not going to rubbish you or the party tomorrow but I feel a lot better having told you you're a cunt."'


It's probably the smartest and most together thing Jeff Kennett's ever said outside of all that 'be nice to sad people' business he seems to busy himself with these days between Hawthorn football matches and keeping a close eye on that wayward young cove Angus.

TimChuma said...
Inevitable I suppose...
http://www.kamikazegirls.net/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvTxyok0j2o

I found this while looking for the lyrics of a Dave Graney song!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baby,_The_Stars_Shine_Bright

Gothic Lolita is a pretty old trend in Japan these days though.

Not a question, but you do occasionally drop by and share pop culture vignettes with us all, so included for the perusal of others. Thank you for visiting.

dakini kundalini underpants said...
Ms F, I have a non-election conundrum, my boy started to collect funny/ scary/ trashy/ tragic record covers amany a year ago and we both quite like displaying them (the covers) by hanging them on picture rails, but the picture rails in our current abode are way thin and the buggers just don't seem to want to stay up there, even when we add a spot of blutak etc. et al. Do you or anyone else in Hateland have any viable ideas concerning how to keep our vinyl tragedy collection up on the wall for all to peruse and admire? Thoughts on this superficial matter would indeed be appreciated. PS They fall off more in Summer coz of the heat. Bless.

What a thoroughly modern dilemma, dakini. Try Elmer's Tack Adhesive Putty or Scotch Foam Mounting Tape. I know what you mean about scorching Summer days melting adhesives to the point where it seems your entire living room is slowly peeling itself from the walls and falling to the floor, but it's obviously necessary for you to make your trash-culture mark.


Any other suggestions from fellow aficionados of lowbrow vinyl?

Captain B said...
Fits lady, thanks for the bob long awareness. I suspect my previous post was inappropriate. Something I try hard not to do, however I always supportive inappropiateness.especially my own, for it is mine not to know, and offence is never intended, especially to sugar

I am interested to hear you view of the well spoken but, cannon ball loaded questioning Chief Chris Yuleman
Did he win the questioning award?

His questioning was rather dishy, wasn't it? I didn't know they were giving out awards like an end of camp concert. If so, Laurie Oakes had better get Slimmer Of The Year or there'll be a fucking riot. The man is half the size he used to be.

Fi said...
What process did you go through in order to decide on a suitable type of dog? What are staffies like to live with?

I didn't really go through a 'process' so much as have a predilection for the furry little brick-like nuggets and collapse in raptures when my friend Janelle told me her dog was having puppies and would I like to adopt one to love and to cherish in sickness and in health etc. Staffies are generally adorable pockets of energy and utterly devoted to their owners - Bob Ellis tends to follow me from room to room in the house, even sitting in the bathroom looking glum while I have a bath. I thoroughly recommend opening your heart to the love of one as you will never want for a more beautiful canine friend.

crazyjohnisdead said...
Sad Fact #1...

John Howard has made the time to meet Bob Brown once during his entire leadership.

Once.

It really is terribly sad, isn't it? He's missing out on a wonderful afternoon's entertainment. Wouldn't BB put on a fair spread of biscuits and tea? And you just know he'd save the last Monte Carlo for you without making a big deal about it.

lill said...
I can't believe he's met with Bob Brown only once! Even I have met the great man once.

I was young. It was years ago, during the Franklin Dam campaign, I got sat next to him at a Wilderness Society tea. Very informal. I was young. He turned to me and asked me my name. So asked him his. I was young. He smiled and just said, Bob, my name is Bob. I was so embarrased.

I repeat. I was young.

That's a gorgeous story, Lill. I once pushed past Paul Newman in order to get to his wife. No doubt they still talk about that story in the Newman/Woodward house with affectionate chuckles and murmured reminders to catch up with that darling scatterbrained blogger before too long.

lavendar said...
do you believe in the triumvirate theory of life ?
The notion that of the home/work/heart - two must be in good shape in order to make one feel like life's OK. That if any two of these go belly up simultaneously - it's grounds for heavy drinking and/or late night texts to lovers gone

two of these are in top shape for me at the moment

but as gotye would put... 'heart's a mess'

I know you don't have a crystal ball - but how the fuck does one come across a feller with a sense of humour, more than a few brain cells and all his own teeth?

Are those three ever perfectly aligned, lavendar? I'm with you; more often than not one can be caning it in the business and home departments whilst evenings are spent in tears with only a Sheryl Crow box set and a bottle of Cointreau for company. It's very rare to be wholly satisfied with one's entire lot - indeed, there's a chance a list of fully ticked boxes may lead us into bored complacency - so while it can be frustrating to feel so assured in certain ways and helpless in others, I think in the long run it's okay. We're human, we don't get everything right all the time. Just keep excelling in those parts of your life that make you happy, and something thrilling will soon arrive on your doorstep with choppers intact.


Also: those fellers are out there. I promise you. But you may not have mine, even for sharesies.

whirling dirvish said...
Could you please furnish us with a small list of your favourite blogs and/or websites? I'm searching for new reading material, and I would guess a wordsmith like yourself would have her finger on the pulse as it were.

Oh, I don't know. Not really. I already spend too much time in my day waltzing my way around various inane websites, and find it difficult to commit to new blog-type activities. Most of my favourites are on my links list over there to your right, though I'm aware more than a handful of them haven't updated in about five months and will soon be STRUCK FROM THE REGISTER IF THEY DON'T HURRY UP AND POST.


At the moment I'm pretty crazy about Gabe from Corporate-Casual ( Jessfamer and I are going to fight to the death for him), and have always loved the brilliant writing of IOYC. Anne Altman is a thorough delight. Jim Norton used to have a great, incredibly wrong blog, but took all the posts down the day he got a book deal. SELLOUT.

person with too much time on their hands said...
Gosh - just found this on the you-type tubes. (http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=NKtUQ7K9UQY) Bring back freaky memories?

It's long enough ago that I'm not overly embarrassed by it, though having said that when my beloved insisted on watching it I sat next to him shrieking and covering my fingers with my eyes.


Christ, pre-pubescence captured on film for all the world to see. That was some forward thinking on my part, wasn't it?

A nonny mouse said...
There's no question that I lurved your Green Guide piece this week.

Thanking you, A nonny. I please to aim.


*bows*

audrey said...
I had a wonderful dream last night that my dad and I travelled back in time to the seventies and wound up in the pub from Coronation Street. In it, we placed a phone call to my mother who would have been living in Norwich at the time and who had just started going out with my dad. I spoke with her and told her about how one day she would have a little baby with red hair and bright blue eyes and that girl would love her so much. Then my dad and I went to her house to see her and she and I shared a wonderful hug - it was like she was meeting me for the first time, and I was meeting her when she was around my age. It was supremely beautiful and I woke up feeling really happy.

So, I called my dad to tell him about it because I thought it would make him smile, and he reminded me (I'm terrible with dates) that today would have been their 28th wedding anniversary.

My question: Do you believe that the dead can reach out to us to give us these feelings and let us know they're still with us? Before my mother died, I told her to visit me in my dreams, and I've had a few since then that have given me remarkably happy feelings.

I'm not asking for validation at all - more just enquiring as to your own thoughts, and I suppose sharing something wonderful.

xo

You're right, it truly is wonderful - thank you for sharing. I'm not sure how the science of it all actually works when it comes to visitations from the dead, but the unknown can be a magnificent thing, and incredibly comforting in a spiritual sense.


Marmalade has an interesting take upon it, as ever:

Marmalade said...
Audrey, at the risk of wearing my heart on my sleeve, what you've written is beautiful. I've experienced the deaths of two dear people. Both times, I've had a 'farewell' dream, where I could talk with them for ten or fifteen minutes. It's also happened with my two dogs. Although obviously they didn't talk...just rolled on their backs and stuff.

I'm a filthy, nasty rationalist, so I like to think it's your subconscious' way of parting ways...although according to physics, the energy of a person has to go somewhere. When Dave died, I dreamed about him in a semi-lucid state. When I said to him that he couldn't really be there on the couch because he had died a fortnight previously, he just smiled and winked at me.

Much better than a girl in a fully lucid dream I had a few weeks ago. I asked her, "You know you're a figment of my imagination, don't you?"

She gave me this withering look and replied, "Perhaps this is my dream and you're the one that isn't real."

Cue 5am existentialist crisis.

You're just going to keep breaking the hearts of RYWHM ladies with posts like that, Marmalade. Stop being so adorable at once.

Meva said...
I often dream of my parents, and in my dreams they are always so vibrantly alive that I wake up expecting to see them in the room with me. Each remembered dream of them picks a little at the wound they left when they left this life. It's kind of like part of my life has been amputated, but the wound won't heal. Or I won't let it.

I know you were embarrassed about this post in hindsight, and I do hope you don't mind that I've included it in this week's q and a. I think it's inexpressibly lovely and heartfelt, and you shouldn't feel abashed for being so open. Well may we shoot the breeze about election debates and dating Liberals and sweet pooches, but sometimes it's nice to raise the bar a little and share something raw and perfect. Thank you.





*****************************



Okay, so I didn't answer everything but I'm only human and there's work to do away from blog-land. I must bash away at my laptop before sending a thousand good thoughts and squeezes Gotye's way for the ARIA awards and oh! a week of carousing with Carrot Knickers. Good times.



Leave your questions for next week in the comments below and I really do thank you for your patience with no small amount of sincerity.




29 days til the next election.

64 comments.

Friday q and a #87.

Here is a letter I received yesterday which for some reason pleased me:

'To quote you "I find the woman as charming and charismatic as a Pap smear; one where your gynaecologist has hairy wrists and personal hygiene issues". You would be aware that 50% of readers have no idea what you are talking about!

Is said gynaecologist male of female - just for clarity?

We differ on what is funny but your humour needs to lift, you are about as witty as the shows you lambaste.

Feel free to try this personal experience and see if it amuses you or gets a laugh. "I find the woman as charming and charismatic as having a cyst beneath my foreskin examined and surgically removed from". 50% of your readers won't have a clue how that feels but I'm sure you are rolling around on the floor at how funny the comparison is. Feel free to see how big a laugh you get out of that one.


You have lost me.'

I truly appreciate it, but I'm not sure I get it. Is he saying the joke isn't funny because he's a man and has no idea what a pap smear might feel like when performed by someone with hairy wrists? Am I not allowed to laugh at cyst/foreskin jokes because I am a lady? DID I REALLY HAVE HIM TO LOSE IN THE FIRST PLACE.




Anyway. Enough of that for now. There's a song in my heart and a party in my pants. What better frame of mind to tackle a few Friday questions ?

Galores said...
PRISCILLA the nightmare comes upon me late at night - endless skies full of floating hairdoos and oversized lips singing show tunes while Michael Caton (please, can he be banished to Second Life instead of our life... ) struts across the landscape in too short shorts... Half the show was enough for me and my fair lady , upon which we hoofed it to Mo Vida and scoffed chops and meatballs before turning up at the party. My biggest problem of the evening, however, is the fact that I was nabbed in beauty salon by a drag queen and had make up slathered across my delicate face. The mascara that was trowelled on, the mascara that had passed across the lashes of many a fair maiden before me, the mascara that was carrying beady little buggy things, GAVE ME AN EYE INFECTION. SO, I says to Priscilla and her songs - PISS OFF.

What on earth did you let a drag queen brandishing a mascara wand near you for, Galores? Remember the old saying: 'Beware of transvestites bearing Max Factor 2000 Calorie Aqua Lash'. It was either that or 'Never look a gift whore in the mouth when she's threatening to daub you with Esteé Lauder Raincoat Waterproofing Topcoat '; I get confused. Either way, it's hardly the fault of Priscilla that you caught a nasty dose of conjunctivitis from a she-male. Gosh but you people are harsh sometimes.




More musical theatre nightmares:

Ms Anonymous said...
I too, am tortured by flashbacks of my viewing of Priscilla Queen of the Desert. Perhaps we all need to start a support group. I also rarely drink, have a ~mysterious illness~ and once worked at Centrelink. A rather odd demographic!

Speaking of theatre and unpleasntries, I have an etiquette question for you, seasoned musical lady. If you are seated in the middle of a rather long row of seats, with twenty people on either side of you, what do you do when you need to vomit, knowing that you could only make it past ten people at most? This happened to me when I was at Priscilla. I did not have faith in my running skills and knew that I would end up vomiting on some poor sod's shoes if I did run for it, so I quietly bent over and pretended I needed something from my handbag, took out my purse, mobile etc, and vomited into there. I then promptly excused myself and ran outside the theatre to dispose of my filth. When I returned, the random blue rinse pensioner to the right of me high-fived me and applauded my "tenacity to be practical, dear", however my Aunt scolded me for being "unlady-like", as did some other people at home. I say, what would they prefer me to have done, politely asked the nearest gentleman if he would be charmed if I borrowed his lap for a moment to throw up on?

I am left utterly perplexed by this conundrum and can only think -- What Would Ms Fits Do?

(WWMFD, it's catchy.)

Boy, has anyone actually had a pleasant experience seeing Priscilla? Eye infections, random puking. Hardly the best sales pitch for a night out on the town. Perhaps they could offer all audience members a free poke in the arse with a burnt stick to really round off the evening nicely.


Anyway.


I'm vaguely curious to know the cause of your stomach upset, Ms. Anon. Did you imbibe too much free champagne during the pre-showtime soiree? I remember being eight species of intoxicated during a 2004 production of Annie - there was no vomiting involved, though my Gabi and I did delicately pole-vault a wooden audience barrier in order to be first to the bar at interval, if memory serves.


With regard to your upchuck conundrum, I thoroughly commend your quick thinking and wish to forward my high-five on to your pensioner neighbour. Your Aunt needs to get with the times - drastic moments call for drastic measures, and you were well within your rights to delicately regurgitate your dinner into the nearest clutch rather than lavishly spread vomit up and down row D whilst searching in vain for a way out. Just think how many more people would have been posting on this here blog with further indignant tales of ruined evenings at the theatre should you have failed to contain the contents of your stomach. I tip my fascinator to you, Modern Lady Of Culture.

N said...
ms fits, hiya. i just want to say i have not any wooing or asking of the beautiful young lady i share weekly "video" watching with. its not just any videos a week. its become a little more complicated now. we have finished the series of a particularly excellent american show involving a funeral home. and now we need to pick another series. i actually had the chance to take her out (quite by accident) but didn't .

i have thought about asking her for a pash. i dont think this will occur without the demon drink. whats worse, is that she seems to get hammered with other friends, but our little group. damn it. she has magnificent lips. she has even better feet.

N.

Have you tried Deadwood? I hear it's utterly gripping - and let's face it, the more involved your ladyfriend becomes with the videos on offer, the less likely she's going to be to skip a week in order to march off and fall in love with someone else. Can you not introduce a sophisticated red wine to proceedings? I find it tends to go very well with "videos", excellent or otherwise.



p.s. Are you saying you're keen to put your tongue between her toes? You're a feisty bean, aren't you?

MrLefty said...
"Could it be? Yes, it could.
Something's coming, something good,
If I can wait!
Something's coming, I don't know what it is,
But it is
Gonna be great!"

Unless he fucks it up, of course.

PS Thanks for getting WSS stuck in my head, Fits.

HE'S NOT GOING TO FUCK IT UP.











*breathes into paper bag*

Anonymous said...
Q:
Don't you think it would be great to be a vet? I wish I'd done vet science at uni instead of what I'm doing. I love animals.

Do you like any other kinds of animals, or are you just a dog person? Or merely a Bob Ellis dog person?

Also: is there any chance of you posting some Bob Ellis (dog) photos on your blog?

Hello Anonymous.


1. I'm not sure I'd be all that good at being a vet. For one thing I tend to get rather attached to animals and I'm sure no pet owner wants to take little Fluffy Numkins in to get put down only to have the vet in charge bursting into floods of tears and needing medical support/a stiff drink before the operation commences.


Also: vets have to squeeze the anal glands of dogs. The queue for puking starts here.




2. I'm mostly a dog person and pretty well devoted to the hound I live with, though there is certainly room in my heart for the odd meerkat or two.




3. Why, of course. Here you go.



















That's right, my dog's wearing a dress. I see your judgemental expressions and raise you.

Marmalade said...
@ djali, Fits: sorry, I am not a lady. Sometimes I wish I was. Here is a SFW 15th century picture of what that might look like:

Ms Marmalade

The Marmalade thing is one character my mates and I use when we pretend we're retired Brigadier-Generals. Lots of gout-induced "Baaah! Won't have it!" and anecdotes about skewering rhinos and beating our manservants.

Do you have character voices you can do, Fits? They're lots of fun, especially when you're getting squiffy. My best friend does a pitch-perfect Alvin Chipmunk - any song you request. He can reduce barfuls of grown men to shuddering piles of mirth in seconds.

I ALWAYS SUSPECTED YOU WEREN'T A LADY, MARMALADE.



Wait, so who exactly is taking you out on a date now? I forget. Are you continuing to win hearts as RYWHM's most eligible bachelor? I must say, this 'being amusing' caper seems to be turning out quite well for you thus far. Even I'm quietly undone by the very sweet Brigadier-General scenario, and I'm spoken for. Congratulations.



With regards to your query, as an ex child actor I've sadly got a wealth of annoying character voices at my disposal which I occasionally unleash upon long-suffering friends at various drunken intervals. One particular brandy-soaked has-been Broadway agent is a favourite with 'the kids', though presumably they'd be happier if I just shut up and left them alone to play with their SuperFunWall application or whatever it is young people do these days.




For you:

Anonymous said...
Att: Marmalade

I think I can shed some light on the "Boxman" episode - Drambuie.

One is great, two is delicious, and then I start throwing punches. It's fire water and it works a treat.

I have sworn off it since I:

(a) punched out my ex's best mate for no reason (n.b. I am a girl)

and

(b) wrestled a non-consenting first date to the ground, repeatedly, and for non-sexual purposes.

Beware!

Beware the ides of Drambuie indeed. Don't you sound like an entertaining date, though? Nothing like a robust tumble to fire up an evening on the tiles with a potential paramour.

GG said...
Aaah yes, West Side Story - it was on Channel 7 a couple of Sundays ago, and I watched it instead of studying. Heaven!

One of my favourite movies of all time. And what better excuse to post a picture of George Chakiris looking dishy?






Better living through hair gel. HEL-lo, ladies.

BEVIS said...
Just catching up with the last two weeks' Q&A sessions ...

Do you REALLY think I'm Witty Pseudonym, under a not-so-witty-pseudonym?

Because I'm not. Promise.

I know you're not, BEVIS. You're unhinged, but in a sweet way.

Anonymous said...
What's Jeremy Sear like in person?

Rather reserved at first, but possessed with a keen sense of humour and very kindly disposition. I've only met him a few times, though we share a similar political outlook and seem to get along well. Why, are you building some kind of legal case against him?

Captain Big said...
Yes, the lyrics you requested to know are from west side story .My muda took me to see this when I was around 12.I went on to run in dancing gangs as a result.
In regard to alcohol, I have been gifted with drinking genes .I can and have used them for evil. I’ve moved on now
Miss fits lady; my questions for you. Do you sun yourself at the local pool next to the park, or on the sand with nature?
I have healthy Scottish white skin that I quite like. However I do sun myself and view the naked painted folk.
I am getting butterfries thinking of the warmer months, sitting in the sun on the top deck, listening to the Sunday sessions.
What type of person appreciates the simple things in life?

1. I don't sun myself at all, Captain Big. I am notoriously shy of cancerous rays and barely ever leave the house without an enormous hat and several layers of sunscreen. If I do head out into nature's poisonous embrace it's with a brolly and pious expression. I may resemble a Milky Bar with a face, but I remain firmly and pleasingly tumour-free.






2. Bob Log III. Well, him and the Amish.

gigglewick said...
hee hee - I watched West Side Story too. Features a VERY YOUNG Richard Beymer, who went on to become the deliciously evil Ben Horne in Twin Peaks....

In the spirit of asking a question - who knew he was so ancient?

His mother, presumably. Though if they weren't close there's a chance she may have been out by a year or two.

Hera said...
I don't use my talent - I live in fear that I may never use it.

I don't know what stops me.

Does anyone else feel the same?

A lot of folk do, Hera. And it's fear that tends to act as the major stumbling block between creative pursuits and some semblance of success. For what could be more terrifying than extending one's raw texts out into the world only to be stomped on from a great height and told never to darken the doors of scribing again? It really is worth having at least half a crack, even if you end up being told in no uncertain terms that you are a Talentfree McFucko best suited to a life in dairy produce.



Honestly. A life unexamined, etc. Please try.

Rustique said...
"I'm wagering the words 'It's Gough Time, Motherfuckers' will fall from his lips the day hell freezes over"

That's just what he wants you to think then all of a sudden it's a post election lefty storm of strip clubs, medicare and affordable university places.

On to self promotion - if you find time in between your gmail account cockshot assessments - can you rate this non-phallus related literature please. If not then hopefully someone reads it and admires it.

Huzzah for the shop-keep.

I enjoyed your angry and topical poem very much, even though it was - as pointed out - sadly phallus-free. Perhaps if you add a nice couple of lines about cocks and dead princesses at the end it will be picked up by outraged Herald Sun readers and complained about on the daily voteline.

Exordium said...
Re - Bob Brown's babies.
Shite.
Why am I a sperm stealer? Tis my womb, I merely require some fertilisation of ovaries, with permission of course.. And although turkey basting has never (to my knowledge) been promoted as good times slap and tickle, it does not require the problematic adultery or hetroness.
But the earth first point is an issue. Shite.

Perhaps Rustique will do..

Permission is the problem here, Exordium. Additionally Our Bob is far too busy making and breaking friendships on the campaign trail to pause for a moment and impregnate a relative stranger. Stick with Rustique; that crazy poet's going places.



p.s. This officially counts as RYWHM hook-up #45732.

Ms Anonymous said...
Am I the only one sounding out "It's Gough Time, Motherfuckers" in my head the same way as Brits sings the classic opening line "It's Britney bitch"? Granted, there are more syllables in motherfuckers than in bitch, so it doesen't quite work... but I'd totally buy a Kevin Rudd remix.

I couldn't be more with you, Ms. Anon. Should we combine the two and have him open his 'thanks a bunch for all the votes Australia, I won't let you down' winner's podium speech with the words 'It's Kevin, bitch'? I'd pay a decent amount of money if he backed it up with the fishnets/hotpants combo, too.

Simon said...
Where can I watch election night (mit bier)? Are there pubs where I can cheer/moan/scream at Anthony's updates on a 200-inch plasma?

I have absolutely no idea, Simon. I was supposed to be throwing a 'Bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses AND PLY THEM WITH LIQUOR' shindig myself, though have sadly been called away to the country to watch my feller's sister get hitched. She's very kindly providing a television so we political tragics may tear ourselves away from the nuptials to keep an eye on proceedings, though if K07 fails to come through with the goods I can't be held accountable for the banjaxed rampage that will inevitably follow.



Anyone else holding an evening's entertainment that Simon may latch onto?

fatalberton said...
Dear Ms Fits,

We have a child. A small boy. We named him after a punk musician. We intend to do the same with any siblings we might provide for him.

Some of our friends think this places us in the "trailer-trash" sociographic.

We seek your reassurance that we are not bad parents.

PS: We have all our own teeth.

Obviously I'm absolutely dying to know which punk musician you've immortalised with your choice of name, fatalberton. Is it Strummer? Rotten? Dee Dee? HAVE YOU GONE AGAINST ALL WISDOM AND CHRISTENED YOUR POOR WEE BEAN GG ALLIN? Either way you'll cop no po-faced judgement from me as I am a fan of colourful names for children and intend to name my first-born something cheerfully inane. Your friends are just irritated as they've stuck to the more conventional Sarahs and Brians and now look simply stale-bread and pedestrian by comparison. Pish tosh to them and their MOR lifestyles. You just carry on calling out for Tre Cool and Blondie in the supermarket and more luck to ye.

ruby said...
fits,

i haven't popped by here in ages - its even prettier than before, with the familiar vague hints of sycophancy and hate fuelled by professional envy still hanging gently in the air, like the wake of a particularly hot filly who's just walked past on her way to the bar...

electoral dilemma: john howard's secretary contacts you to let you know he's a huge fan of FTBC. and so's kevin andrews. they want you in what is (somehow colloquially, misogynistically and amusingly all at once) known in porn argot as 'a spit roast'. before your bile has time to project past those vermillion lips and all over the phone in the form of your answer, a genie appears before you - it is The Genie of Federal Elections Yet To Come. he tells you that if you acquiesce, Kevin Rudd will absolutely, 100%, for certain - seize power on Nov 24th.

do you take one (indeed, two...) for the team?

ruby

x

Right, so the proper procedure/next step for those in power who may take a small liking to my blog is to instruct their staff to contact me for sex? My, isn't that a likely scenario. I knew I got into this blogging caper for a reason, etc.



Before I address your query I'd like to simply point your attention to this:

elaine said...

1. following to my charming housemate's question above. Shall I punch him in the 'nads for asking such a cunt of a question?

Why yes. Yes, you should. And make it firm.




Anyway, the point stands: would I allow myself to be double-ended by John Howard and Kevin Andrews if it meant that K07 would win the election?



Well, going on how I felt this morning when I woke up and saw the polls I'd have to say yes. I probably would. It'd take some intensely difficult conversations with my gentleman caller and no small amount of ketamine, but if all I had to endure to get fuckface out of power was a few sordid moments of 'accommodating' members of the Coalition then at what price revolution and so on.








I hope my mother isn't reading this.



Also:

Anon said...
Well Ruby, would you?

YEAH, RUBY. BEND OVER AND TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM.

voodooboy said...
I don't think Gamera is a giant turtle with PMS. Because Gamera is almost always referred to with the sobriquet "Friend of Children". And PMS and child friending aren't usually associated.

Oh, I don't know about that. I can occasionally be friendly to children when saddled with the monthly irritants, though every now and then I may strip an infant of its skin and devour the soul within. That's the price you pay for hanging out with a hormonally confused lady, I suppose.

Dylan said...
A GIANT FIRE BREATHING TURTLE IS NEVER THE FRIEND OF CHILDREN.

I hope you're speaking about Gamera and not me and my menstrual cycle, Dylan.



The nerve.

TBG said...
Hi.

I have two questions:

1) Are you looking forward to the 15th?

2) Would you rather beat Downer to death with his own severed leg or with something softer, like a pudding?

Hello, lovely boy.




1) The 15th has been and gone (THINK THESE THINGS THROUGH BEFORE YOU POST YOUR FUCKING QUESTION), and was everything I might have hoped for and more. I was indeed - as you may have guessed - absolutely beside myself 'pre'.




Next date to look forward to? This Sunday 21st. Mark it in your Moleskines.








2) Probably his severed leg. It seems infinitely more satisfying, wouldn't you agree? Although:

Ben said...
I'm not sure that there IS anything softer than bits of Alexander Downer.

Now there's a question for the ages. What could be softer than pieces of Downer? Answers on the back of an envelope, please.

therapy said...


your very own LolHoward

I LOVE YOU.

Enny said...
No question - just wanted to say "You were right! November 24! Just been announced! Hooray!"

http://www.smh.com.au/news/federal-election-2007/howard-calls-it/2007/10/14/1192300575475.html

Gracious, doesn't Sunday seem like a hundred years ago now? A week truly is a long time in politics. Particularly if you're solely responsible for providing Tony Abbott with oral pleasure.

catbrain said...
GAME ON, BITCHES.

Where's that party gonna be?

Party, wake, Bar Mitzvah, it's all up in the air at the moment. Could we not have an Election Hanukkah and say oy vey for getting the shmendrick out of office?

Pellucid said...
That links back to here CB, but you're referring to the now-pending election right? If so, please make up and distribute many 'GAME ON, BITCHES' tees in various styles/sizes kthxbye.

Wait, we really need to get our strategy clear here. Is it game on, bitches? Game on, molls? It's Kevin, bitch? It's Gough time, motherfuckers? Can I see a show of hands please?



An urgent decision is required before launching into these.

catbrain said...
Pellucid, that's an excellent idea, but I'm more the Jeff Koons creative type - I can come up with an idea but someone else will have to execute it. I was thinking of a sketch-type pic of Julia Gillard with nice cursive script underneath, a la Polichicks stylings...

Q2: Dear Ms - how about a Polichicks tee with with a sketch-type pic of Julia.... etc etc?


kisses

Actually, Polichicks has some sweet Gillard-based merch on the way soon. Stay tuned.

The Other Ben said...
Enny,

Doesn't Nov 24th make Ms Fits something like 10 days out? Pretty close even so, but still...

12 days out, actually. And not too shabby an effort if I do say so myself, SINCE I STARTED COUNTING IN 2004.

Anonymous said...
From Wikipedia:

"The 1969 election centred heavily on the two leaders, John Gorton and Gough Whitlam. Both were leading their respective parties in an election for the first time. Gorton had initially been very popular, but he was gaining a reputation for being erratic. Whitlam, by contrast, had reformed the ALP and abandoned unpopular policies such as the once-dominant White Australia Policy, as well as the commitment to socialism still held by many members on the left of the party. He presented a sleek and modern image which was able to win over new voters to his cause. In addition, the Coalition had been in office for 20 years and was seen as becoming tired and unfocused, and there were growing concerns over Australia’s involvement in the Vietnam War. The ALP went into the election with a small caucus and could have a good hope of gaining seats."

The coalition won by 7 seats.

A few parallels?

Take Howard at $2.70 would be my commendation.

And yes, '69 was the Don's Party election.

Will upcoming election parties get ugly too when Howard is reelected? Hell yes!

If Howard is re-elected - IF, my friend, IF - I am planning to strip off like the wicked minx from DP and be chased around the neighbours' swimming pool by a team of naked men. I will then drink myself into a coma. Please switch off my life support when the doctor asks nicely what to do kthx.

elaine said...
hello lovely,

Election date, 24th November. Your ranga's wedding or your own fully fledged election coverage. Is this akin to asking you to choose between Love and politics?

love&c.-

Yes. And I chose love without a moment's hesitation. What does that say about me as a human being?

sim said...
Its been a long while since i wrote here, but the topic of grog had me fumbling for the comments section.
I was stoked to see quite a few people coming out of the woodwork stating that they dont drink or cant drink.But i also noticed that there were some small excuses being made as to why they dont drink as if it were a crime not to.In this country(and most of the anglo-celt places of the world)if you dont drink ,youre treated like some kind of leper.
The typical conversation goes something like..

person "you wanna beer?"

me "no...just a lemonade thanx"

person "........what are you...a poofter or something haw haw haw?"


I have worked in music for about 13 years, and you cant possibly imagine the vacant stares, questions, mistrust, cajoling, peer pressure and ridicule ive faced...all because i dont drink. All because i want to wake up and be more than just operational..

A lot of people seem confused and confronted as to what i could possibly do with my weekends if im not out pissing on.Is there no imagination left?

Ive had the opportunity to work closely with and be part of a support network to people whos lives have been effected by drugs and alcahol(as mine was), and Its amazing how well alcaholics can present.they can hold down good jobs, are often charming and funny and for all intensive purposes are active and successful in the world..But as time goes by things start to slip, usually privately first, then more obviously and publicly..And the negative effects are rarely just limited to themselves...Anyone who has been out with or is family or friends with a heavy drinker(or drug user) can probably identify just how frickn frustrating in can be....
The hard thing to swallow is that alcaholics dont have a choice.Its not like they can just stop, and they rarely realise they have a problem until they are well into their problem...People generally drink excessively to block stuff out,to not feel, and to escape...

There are always other ways to live if you wanna look for them.

I also read the piece on Cam mooney..Probably wont remember much of what could have been the best week in his life...

And yet another vote for Team Sobriety. I continue to straddle the moderation fence (best not to picture such an ungainly activity) and can see both sides. Please admire my generous and even-handed take on the affair.

Grablé said...
Who is hotter: Therese Rein or Janet Howard?

Are you serious, Grablé?











It's a matter of personal taste I guess, but I'd go Therese over Janette any day. For one thing, a woman who is in charge of her own destiny and fortune is well foxier than a noddingly bland gimboid. Also: anything that John Howard has stuck his doodle into automatically loses points in the sexy states. And that includes Pru Goward THAT'S RIGHT I WENT THERE.

anonymous said...
can you give me a good reason to keep on living?

I can give you four off the top of my head, Anon.







1. The sunset at Mindil Beach Market in Darwin



2. The music of Avo Part



3. Literature



4. Hope.






There are plenty more. Seek them out with ravenous hunger. All is far from lost.

BEVIS said...
Here's something I want to know:

What happened to the rest of this questi

Ben Cousins hoovered it up his nose thinking it was 'ice'. He is a drug casualty, you see.

anonymous said...
Can you give me ten reasons to vote Labor?

1. JWH's time is well and truly up.



2.




3. A change is as good as a holiday. Or, in the case of ousting a divisive, fear-driven government, even better.




4.





5. You really want Peter Costello to take over part-way through the next term? Give me a fucking break. Even his wife hates him.




6.





7. K07 - for all his conservatism and cautious politics - is intelligent. Not cunning, not 'a clever politician', not 'wily'. Just fucking smart. I don't know about you, but I could certainly use a dose of brains in charge. We're long overdue.





8. It's time to send a message that race-based politics and money-hungry tactics are a thing of the past. We are a compassionate nation and I believe it's time we started voting like one.






9. The ALP are fresh and pliable. We will hold them accountable.







10.



Oh, come on. You really want this guy to win again? Him? Look at his gormless mug. HE MUST BE PUNISHED.

Ben said...
Why are they called fantapants anyway? Shouldn't they be called fantaheads? I feel a bond, as I too am enamoured of one of a flame-haired persuasion, albeit a Canadian one who has never heard of me.

I wouldn't object to your foul language. I'd probably quite like it.

I have begun an election guide for those uninformed and thirsting for guidance on the complex issues confronting voters, at my livejournal. People should read it if they really want to be erudite.

Assuming you're interested (and why wouldn't you be?), I've had quite a good week this week, in terms of recognition and prizemoney. So that's nice.

On the other hand (and this is leading to a question), my father moved out of his home this week; my parents have finally broken up. I am quite worried for my father's state of mind and what he might do, as he is terribly depressed. As for the split itself, I feel quite numb and weary, and grateful I live in Melbourne, a step removed from the actual events. And also guilty for just wanting to shut myself off from it. I am hopeful my father feels better when he talks to me, but I am very bad at discussing emotional issues with my parents.

Do you find it easy to have deep and meaningful conversations with your parents? Does it even really matter what I say or do?

Sorry to be so sombre. Your blog seems to be a useful outlet for people to sort out their thoughts about troubling matters, though.

But to lighten the mood before we go: did you ever used to read The Famous Five?

1. I don't wish to be uncouth, but I do wish you'd cast your mind to the pants area of our beloved ginger cousins. They are called Fantapants because THE CARPET MATCHES THE CURTAINS DO YOU GET MY DRIFT.


Also: Chutney crutch. That one belongs to my friend Mitch. You may share it.




2. I'm genuinely sorry to hear about your folks, Ben. And yes - it's incredibly confronting to witness our parents struggling with daily human emotions. I'm lucky enough to have a relatively frank and open relationship with mine, and have spent more than one occasion sitting around a dinner table with myriad bottles of wine spilling some deep and dark business out for discussion. It's a tricky path, as there's certainly such a thing as over-sharing...and though a certain raw quality is important, they should always - in some regards - remain a parent.


Try to be a support for your father in small ways - just call to say hello, fly over and take him out for a beer; register your presence. If he wants to talk, be open to it. It's difficult terrain to negotiate but I have no doubt you're capable of being a rock for the man who brought you into the world.




3. I did, but I privately preferred the b-grade version - Five Find-Outers And Dog. Yes, that's really what it was called. It was like Enid Blyton's demo tape. Does anyone else remember this motley crue of funsters or am I the saddest act in all the land?

a nonny mouse said...
Can you give me five?

To the side.

Up high.

Down low...

Too slow.

You got me a blinder there, Anon. DON'T I LOOK THE FOOL.



**************************************



There's a few more, but I'll get to them in my own sweet time - today our transaction is complete. I'm heading up north tomorrow for a road trip with the Siam Sunset, so do forgive me if my week of blogging is sporadic. It'll be all that sunshine and kissing making me dizzy.



Leave your questions for next week in the comments below. And Kevin, if you're reading -







DON'T












FUCK












IT












UP.






36 days til the next election.

68 comments.