Ms Fits is an irritatingly smug 32 year-old television writer who yearns to be Bob Ellis but will settle for Bob Hart. At least he gets free meals. Pompous nobjockey.
Okay. One of the photographs below depicts the cast of a television series featuring homosexual men who 'do over' heterosexuals in the manner of a home renovations show. The other is reinvigorated metal group Van Halen. First person to spot the difference gets a Paddle Pop/sceptre (novelty).
1.
2.
Seriously. David Lee Roth has morphed into Carson Kressley. Wtf?
If Lemmy Motorhead starts resembling Elton John the world will go to hell in a handbasket. I mean it. MAKE THE MEN OF METAL STOP.
So anyway, this little label I've had a bit of a co-hand in has had itself a re-launch with some new products and I figured you might want to take a squizz.
If you're not into the new-look leopard-print knickers:
then the tattoo hoodie (blank expression model's own) might grab you:
Plus there's more stuff and we'll be doing some aprons and glasses cases and OH LOOK JUST KEEP CHECKING IN ON THE SITE AND SEE FOR YOURSELF.
Grittlings, fellow web-travellers. I am in rude health, though currently preoccupied with all things Berlin-based and restlessly attempting to settle down with a single non work-related novel for a few days. Thank gravy I have a weekend of country gallivanting with some football femmes to occupy my time in an above-board manner. That and a healthy dose of Friday questions, of course...
ibrokemystove said... hi fits,
following up, 'kaufbar' means 'buy-bar' or 'purchase-bar'. the concept was that you could buy anything in the caff. being so, it was filled with all sorts of lovely chairs, crockery and staff, (i hadn't the financial nor physiological capital to win over the lovely lasses). nevertheless, i really liked it. kopernikusstr. friedrichshain.
ok. question. jennifer connolly isn't on facebook. is it possible she doesn't exist?
Is this some kind of trick 'if a tree falls in your hard drive can you still config the auotexec.bat by the MS-DOS command file c:\autoexec.bat'-type question? Surely there remain some right-minded folk out there in the world who have chosen to do something more worthwhile with their time like collect alms for the poor or scrub toilets at the Royal Children's Hospital than waste endless hours scrawling paintshop nonsense on something known as a 'graffiti wall'. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS TOO MATURE TO JOIN FACEBOOK DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE NOT ALLOWED TO FILL OUT THEIR CENSUS FORM, IBROKEMYSTOVE.
Anonymous said... wow there is some serious crazy floating round these parts!
anyway my question is - why did our glorious leader k rudd reject my facebook friendship? what an affront for an avid Labor supporter!
I am wholly baffled, Anon. You'd think our Kevin would need all the fresh-faced poking teamsters he could get, wouldn't you? I'd try again if I were you; it might have just been some snooty staffer having an off day.
p.s. Make sure your username isn't something like 'DIKSQUADASIANHATER88' as things like that tend to end up in the papers and besmirch our good Leader's godly name.
catbrain said... WTF?? Bob Log III's video for 'Boob Scotch' and the Gainsbourg classic 'Lemon Incest' have been removed from YouTube. Can you or another Dear Reader please put them back? Not that I consider it specifically your responsibility, just thought it was a good place to ask.
Thanks ever so. xxx
Really truly? What is the world coming to? That fiendish one-man band I can understand, but why on earth would someone wish to remove a video of an uncomfortably suggestive duet between Serge and his lusty prepubescent daughter?
Anyone who can help out with this, please be returning the videos to their rightful place corrupting children of the interwebs at once, thank you.
Fla da Flooda said... Welcome back blossom! I feel special being the first one to post a comment here. Previously I have been anonymous but henceforth I will be known as Fla da Flooda. I hope that is okay with you.
PS Grab as much midday sun as possible to overcome jet lag or else read all night. That's fun too.
Cheers, new friend with interesting and in no way off-kilter moniker. I will do some within-reason sunbathing in your honour.
Witty Pseudonym said...
Fla da Flooda – I hope your name is not connected to the practice of ‘swamping’. A mostly UK term used for when one gets so drunk that they urinate in their sleep. The usual context is, returning home to a sleeping wife or partner and ‘swamping’ her. An example of the most appropriate use of the term, would be in boasting tones to male companions the next day, “Swamped the old girl last night.” This normally gets congratulations from his peers. Disturbed? You should be. So I hope your name has nothing to do with all that. Yes, that is what I hope. So does it?
Who the devil boasts to their male companions that they lost control of their bladder and covered their wife with urine, WP? I've done my share of poorly-considered things on a night out, though I can't say that's one of them and even if it was I highly doubt I'd gather my closest girlfriends around the next day wreathed in grins to spill the beans on my latest wee-related adventure. Good lord. Whatever happened to a late-night text and a kebab?
Fenz said... Welcome back lovely lady. I am thoroughly jealous of your trip and very happy you appear to have had such a wonderful time.
I have a question that's been bugging me and it's probably full of generalisations, for that I apologise. I also have a cat trying her very best to smother me to death with cuddles, so pardon me if I sound somewhat muffled.
Why is it that guys always go for the 'easy' girls? Why is it that men are intimidated by women who are comfortable with themselves and know what they want out of life? I am getting closer to being that mad old cat lady and I'm not sure I'm too happy about that. Though at least I get plenty of cuddles.
Do men really go for the easy girls? What exactly defines an 'easy' girl anyway? Are you referring to someone who puts out? Perhaps I move in rather lowbrow circles, but I always assumed that several ladies who were comfortable with themselves and knew what they wanted out of life chose to put out on occasion and very happy they were with their moral choices, too. Unless of course by 'easy' you mean free from intellectual constraints and best shelved in the 'simpering sweetie pie' category so the gentlemen in question need not toil for satisfaction.
WP - the BEVIS you have when you're not having a BEVIS, discuss - has a take on it:
blockquote>Witty Pseudonym said...
Fenz – Gross generalizations follow. Guys go for easy girls, because it is easier. Men are intimidated by women who are comfortable with themselves and know what they want out of life because they want to be the one in control. Can we have a positive spin please Fitsy?
The most positive spin I can put on this is that I am particularly comfortable with myself and my lifestyle/choices/history/career, and have had no trouble finding a few upstanding gentlemen to share my time with over the years. If they all drop by the wayside due to my unnerving personal habits and I'm left surrounded by a team of Staffordshire Bull Terriers whilst roaming the streets in an evening gown shouting Beastie Boys lyrics at the top of my lungs, so be it. At least Fenz and I will be able to share a bottle of Metho together in between harassing wee coolsie boys for 'sugar'.
More:
Rustique said... Welcome back Fits, thought I'd answer questions for you as noone visits my blog.
"Why is it that guys always go for the 'easy' girls? Why is it that men are intimidated by women who are comfortable with themselves and know what they want out of life? "
1. Because we like to stick our doodles in things as soon and as often as possible
2. I'm not, but the ones that know what they want tend to know that they don't want me. Sigh. (Maybe that's what the fellas are worried about.)
Fits, Did you just have a week off from the GG last week, did I miss your article or have they given you the arse?
I tried to file my article from the UK and there was a problem with the email, so I just took a week off instead. Nice to know I'd be treated with sympathetic kid gloves from you lot if my employment were indeed terminated.
'Given you the arse' indeed. WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF MY FEELINGS.
Ash said... It is marvelous to have you back Ms Fits. I'm sure Ms Ellis was overjoyed to see you too.
I served in the Army with Brad Kilpatrick and the last I heard he was in Iraq.
Little Bradley Kilpatrick? The same buck-toothed bean who used to drive me mad with his prodding and teasing and wheedling about being a dork? Well, that's rather startling I must say. Best of luck to him and his uzi.
I can't imagine what sales pitch my parents would have employed if they were trying to marry me off at the age of fourteen. No doubt poor ol' Kristin J's profile would have sufficed:
'Ms Fits has a wild streak. She likes parties and has spent more time with boys than we’d have liked her to. We had a family talk and decided that it was time she settled down with a man who could meet her needs and help her fulfill her dreams of being an actor or singer. She’s a bit fiery but worth it.'
I do very much like the button with PROPOSE on it. Though I fear we may be getting excited prematurely...
Marmalade said... @ Tim Chuma: joke site (un)fortunately. Never did get that deposit back, though.
Which one did you go for, Marmalade? Was it Makayla S? I'd be wary of anyone advertising themselves as a potential wifely candidate with this photograph:
It really seems to say 'SUPRYZE I CUT UR DIK OFF' rather than 'Just you relax while I fix dinner in a wholesome and freewheeling fashion', don't you agree?
Pellucid said... I remember that Adventures on Kythera show!! But just barely, i think the credits included many shots of startling whitewashed walls and intriguing laneways full of geraniums - and maybe the closing shot in the was of a lone donkey walking away up one of said laneways . . . I think.
Anyway Fits, welcome back! Why did you have to leave your lovely redhead in London?
He had work to do, I'm afraid. Though he'll be back in a couple of weeks to keep me in line and put his coat across puddles for me and other such gentlemanly-type gestures, so we can all look very much forward to that.
*crosses days from calendar*
Marmalade said...
@ audrey: Madam, your dating adventures made Milo come out of my nose. But, Lordy, a self-described poet? I've been to 'readings' (for love, for love) and those people are 100% lunatic, even the hot ones. Tell Linley I'd turn for him.
Phew. Howdy Fits! I have put this in a previous comment, but like a redheaded stepchild I won't shut up until I get attention.
Does the girl from 1954 look like your time-travelling twin? Or am I mad? At any rate, one site like this balances out 100 Chris Crocker Britney rants, doesn't it?
Wait, you think this looks like me?
I guess I can kind of see the resemblance, though it's always hard to tell these things. At the very least I know what I'll look like SHOULD A BULLET BE FIRED THROUGH MY SKULL, which is hugely comforting and I thank you for the thought.
For my money the best thing about that website is that the lady ages via photographs so I can get a fair idea of what I'll look like around the age of 55:
It's almost frightening how accurate this is, really.
Tricking someone on the internet into watching "Rick Astley - Never Gonna Give You Up" via links through the internet. Usually masked as a youtube link, noting something completely unrelated to the video.
You got me good, Anon. You got me real good.
Duly RickLOLling at this end, my friend.
Martin said...
Hi, Just annoyed by the recent "anonymous" post, roughly translated as "You look shit but I'm just telling you because I care" I thought Dame Edna had copyrighted that schtick sometime in the 1970's and anyone with an ounce of humour or irony had given up on it a long, long time ago. But still, I guess if the internet can't provide a sanctuary for the outdated and insincere then what is it good for?
Of course in case the smear was too subtle for us plebs to understand, the unbaptised poster also warned that in 5 years Ms Fits will be (wait for it!) some 5 years older! Difficult to argue with someone with such numerical ability, but I'm willing to bet that - should those calculations prove correct - then in five years Ms Fits will be one damn fine looking 36 y.o regardless of what she's wearing.
Strangely, the unnamed had definite thoughts about another person's fashion, but no thoughts about their personality, their postings, or even their professional work. It pains me to say it but that just makes Anonymous look hopelessly shallow and sad - but I'm just mentioning it because I care
Thanks, Martin - although our canny Anonymous friend was right. I will be five years older in five years time, unless of course I secure that deal with Marty McFly and the Doc and am magically transported back in time to tonguekiss my own mother or whatever weird incestuous thing it was that happened in Back To The Future.
Langie said... Heartily agree, Martin, I think MsFits showed remarkable restraint in the face of such criticism. If someone tackled me about my appearance after 22 hours on a plane without sleep I'd be tempted to give them a punch on the proboscis. Damn cheek. Welcome home Fits, we're lucky to have you back, just as you are. Rock on.
You're too kind, Langie. Please note: you might not have been so complimentary if you'd actually caught a glimpse of me when I arrived back in the country after aforementioned 22 hours of travel. I believe Mark Latham coined the term 'skanky ho' pre-emptively in my honour, the dear old loose cannon.
Simon said... Criticising someone's style on the basis of age is balls, but informing people that they don't look their best is a gift. Of honesty. From you to them. To elaborate, telling someone that they have crooked teeth = pointlessly nasty. Telling them they have a small spinach farm in their teeth = superfriend. Speaking of outfits, were you wearing stockings during the last show I saw? (Broken Shore was reviewed) Say yes, even if you weren't.
1. ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME I HAVE CROOKED TEETH?
*weeps*
2. Yes. They were fishnet stay-ups and I wear them for most special occasions.
Witty Pseudonym said... Dear Fits,
Do you like elephants or giraffes more, and why? What is your favourite colour? Token questions complete. I love this blog. Welcome home. I like the way you look and I look the way you like. ......Silence....... whanker (whispered)
Ash – sshhhhhh.
Blood Diamond is showing on AFN again. Nearly blew my cover. Jennifer is great.
1. Elephants. Seeing the way they weep over their dead makes me emotively raw.
2. Red.
3. Thank you.
Anonymous said... Ok, then, lets take it up a notch, shall we?
ZOMG I HAVE BEEN KYLIEANDJASONROLLED.
Not the same ring to it, really. But thank you. Not least for the very butch 'let's take it up notch, shall we?' introduction to your comment. I half expected you to stride in with a machete and a ferocious fuck-you sneer.
Witty Pseudonym said... Ash, Are you a QLD policeman?
Does it matter if he is, WP?
He's not.
Ash said... No, just a very average joe. I wasn't aware that I had to pass everything by you WP. I see you have appointed yourself arbiter of Ms Fits' blog comments. Congratulations.
Wait, can an average joe not be a Queensland policeman? What about a high-achieving joe? Is there such a thing? My stomach hurts.
Witty Pseudonym said... Ash - Please don't be mean. I was serious. I know a QLD policeman called Ash that would know Brad Kilpatrick. He is a bit of a cool lefty weirdo so it would not be strange for him to be posting here. Not that we are all cool lefty weirdos here. I am not cool or left. However ...... arbiter......hmmm (scratches chin) I do already have the hat and the trumpet. They both have tassels. Peace be with you Ash.
WP, you are growing entertainingly stranger by the second. Carry on.
Anonymous said... Hey Lady-cakes! Are you going to Meredith? Wanna hang out? I like big hats, drinking beer and dancing like a crazy person... USHI! xx
Absolutely I am, and absolutely we should. Last year I had a rather sedate Meredith, being as it was nine hundred degrees and my beloved best friend kept forcing me to dress up in garbage bags and jive awkwardly on stage with her. This year the line up seems to demand a fair amount of 'cutting sick', I must say. Little Red, Eddy Current, The Black Lips, Gotye and Andrew WK? SHOW ME YOUR PARTY WHISTLES, PEOPLE OF MELBOURNE.
richard_watts said... Welcome home, fitsolicious. Apart from lashings of Ginge, what was the highlight of the jaunt?
Heh. 'Lashings of Ginge'. Nice one, sir.
I'd say giddyingly wonderful Barcelona was a highlight, as well as hiring bikes and cycling through the incredibly dainty Cotswolds. The sight of two relatively dandyish Melbournites mountain biking their way from bluestone pub to historic township clearly amused the locals, though we persisted with our pedalling and rewarded ourselves with ploughman's platters and wine. There's nothing to make you feel more like a robust adventurer than waking up with a sore bottom and repositioning yourself on a bike seat to explore olde Englande. Good times.
anne said... i recently resigned from work, and since then, am having trouble staying awake. i wake up at 7 and then 7.02 and then 7.04 etc as normal, however then sleep through til 11 and then through to approximately 2pm. as you are aware, a great part of the day has passed by then.
anyway, here comes the punch (minus judy): i have come to the realisation that i may have spent my early/ier years sleepworking.
do u think it possible for one to have slept with open eyes during the day? my night sleep pattern has not altered for some time... unfortunately.
ps i hope this question does not irritate, feel free to disregard if it does. i find the body image questions that you receive annoying to my eyes, and sincerely hope that sleepworking is a concept worthy of your reply.
'Sleepworking'? That's a new one for me. I do hope you weren't operating heavy machinery or running the country or something equally as swashbuckling.
Anyway, it's in the Urban Dictionary so it must be real:
'1. sleep working
working while still sleeping, somehow you manage to get the job done without being fully awake. Related to sleep walking and sleep talking, only you get paid. Not to be confused with other occupations involving getting paid for being in bed.'
How does one get paid for simply being in bed? Are they referring to a prostitute or 'dole-bludger'(TM)? Something to aspire to, I suppose.
I can't say I've ever experienced your slightly troubling phenomenon, though I've certainly tiptoed my way through work days staring dumbly into space and achieving three parts of fuck all. I can only hope that you manage to somehow subvert the dominant paradigm your current sleeping schedule, as at this rate you are going to end up like Leonardo Di Caprio's mama in What's Eating Gilbert Grape.
Anonymous said... I am not one to micturate upon my fellow humans. That is all.
I should certainly hope not, Anon. Not before putting some plastic sheeting down, at least.
Witty Pseudonym said... LOL, micturate (spoken like Peter Griffin). Haven't heard that word for a while. I hope I didn't ruin your use of that name.
You've got a little aside for pretty much everyone, don't you WP? It's like every player wins a prize in your world.
Corner Hotel Worker Nearer said... Thoughts on Mia Dyson anyone (and in particular the Blogstress of RYWHM)? She's playing at the corner on Friday Octobe 19 and as her description on the Corner website sound alright I'm thinking of toddling along for a look after work. Is it worth my while?
Mia Dyson is absolutely lovely, and worth checking out. God knows where that enormous voice comes from; she's about as big as my thumb and certainly as delicate. Go see and be wowed.
Anonymous said... Ok, weird question: does anyone else think that coconut milk (not cream or oil or anything; milk) is more than a little bit reminiscent of semen, taste-wise? I only ever get strange looks when I put this idea to friends . . .
I'm a big freak, aren't I?
I'm not sure I've ever imbibed coconut milk, though I've clearly ingested my fair share of semen JUST JOSHING MOTHER OR SIMILARLY DISAPPROVING PARENTAL-TYPE FIGURE IF YOU'RE READING. Do you find it an offensive connection, Anon? Has it put you off knocking back coconut juice/bringing the boys to the yard? Is this really the sort of thing you should be bringing up during a quiet moment in a barbecue?
Over to you, fellow sticky-lipped hedonists...
Witty Pseudonym said... More importantly what about the pineapple juice effect? Enough of the rumour. I want facts. What then regarding pineapple juice and coconut milk? Over to you Richard? *cringes waiting for nasty reply regarding my inappropriate audacity, when truly not meant to be derogatory*
Elmo – Achtung Baby? Rattle and Hum is the pinnacle deserving genius masterwork status. A bunch of Irish girls and boys took me to task over my accusations that U2 has turned to cheese (an association that Adam Spencer has often made, that struck a chord). These young hipsters were frightfully offended and insisted upon enduring excellence. I placated by buying beer, apparently in compliance with normal Irish protocol. Do all Irish demographics love U2 unconditionally, and are you Irish Elmo?
Oh look, there you are again. I was starting to worry.
I'm sure I've attempted the pineapple juice experiment before, though for the life of me I can't recall the outcome*. I really don't see why you have to handball the question to one of our resident homosexuals as there are enough cum-guzzling sluts** amongst the RYWHM womenfolk to sort you out proper. Shall we have some kind of social pineapple and coconut milk cocktail evening and let things go from there? I've already found the recipe for something enticingly known as a Gringo - Scotch, coconut milk, pineapple juice, milk and ripe bananas. Surely you're all with me.
*That's right, I said 'come'. Zing, etc.
**I use this term with the utmost respect, ladies.
Ryan said... Hello darling Fits, unfortunately I missed The Basics due to work - I just couldn't get away. I hope you enjoyed your sojourn over here.
I went back to Norway over the weekend.
To go to the birthday of the Norwegian girl I met in July when I was last there.
And I kssed her thoroughly (as thoroughly as she would let me).
And my girlfriend thinks its strange I went without inviting her... (she's the reason that I wasn't able to kiss the Norwegian girl as thoroughly as I would have liked)
Okay, I know that I have to break up with my girlfriend - I have to not be an absolute fuck and have to be fair (as fair as possible at this point) by her. Not just because of the Norwegian girl.
Who I really like.
Should I pursue this? I know she is interested, but she is running warm and cold (cold at the moment) - understandably, because of the way we met; she's worried that I'll do it to her, and she's scared of getting hurt.
If you were in her shoes, would you take the chance? You have to take a chance, even if you are scared...
Am I just chasing her because it's something different? The curent girlf is great, but I just don't think I can give her what she wants...
Do I make the ending swift?
And how do I make the Norge girl realise that the break up isn't down to her - that it was coming anyway (which it was) - but I'd still like her to at least give the possibility of something happening a chance?
Your advice, as always, is much appreciated.
Tussen takk>...
Okay, firstly. BREAK UP WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND. You are behaving most abominably. That's not to say those amongst us haven't also behaved in such a fashion, but I'm telling you to stop it at once. There's no call for this kind of thing, no call at all. You know I'm right.
Now.
1. Should I pursue this?
I think you already are, young man. You tracked her down and attempted to jump her bones before settling with a thorough all-over kissing. It's being pursued. Trust me.
2. If you were in her shoes, would you take the chance?
Yes. I always do, but then I am a fool for love.
3. Am I just chasing her because it's something different?
I'm not sure I'm the one who can answer that, Ryan. Think about the differences between Norsca Fresh and your current cuckolded paramour. Are you running from one feisty dame to another? Is there anything wrong with wanting something different if your current situation isn't working? Go for a long walk and ponder these questions, please.
After breaking up with your girlfriend, obvs.
4. Do I make the ending swift?
Yes. Why, what else are you going to do? Leave the poor girl hanging for a bit while you take a few more 'work-related' trips to Norway? Cut her loose and let her get on with her life, for goodness sake.
5. And how do I make the Norge girl realise that the break up isn't down to her - that it was coming anyway (which it was) - but I'd still like her to at least give the possibility of something happening a chance?
That's a hard one. Lots of frank and open conversation, I suppose. Nothing a good amount of honesty won't fix. And yes, I understand how hard it is to step confidently into a new relationship when it's been essentially founded on infidelity, though stranger things have happened. Wipe your slate clean and start again with this new pocket of delightfulness. Good luck.
TheLastScientician said... So, what sort of hat do producers wear?
This one.
Where to from here? said... What do you do when you meet someone, and get on really well, and become friends with them, only to discover they are far more popular and busy than you could conceivably have imagined?
Do you just sit back and suck it up, and hope they can find time in their semi-famous day to day grind to have a coffee with you for five minutes every month or so? Or do you just sadly slip their photo in the "Used to be friends" file for later reminiscences?
I have lots of friends far busier than I, and guess I just content myself with the thought that when we're in the same city and have an hour or so to spare we will bang heads in the most delightful of fashion(s) and spend some blessed time squeezing knees and making inappropriately shrill screaming noises. Recently whilst overseas I caught up with one of my dearest and oldest friends Megan, who has been living in the UK for months and will most likely be staying there at least another year. We only email very sporadically, though had a couple of balltearing conversations over enormous jugs of wine and within seconds had caught up on most of the important face-to-face news.
I wouldn't give up on my friends I don't see. It's all about the quality, surely.
Or perhaps:
Anonymous said... Harden up and get busy yourself?
Harsh but fair, Anon. Harsh but fair.
catbrain said... Just wanted to say welcome back and thanks for the 'hood shopping suggestions, and thanks to richard_watts for the Korean grocery suggestion - just around the corner, as you thought, and also surprisingly stocked. I'm settling in nicely, thanks for asking.
That is all. xx
Oh, that's a most pleasing end to the day's queries. Perhaps an afternoon in the Standard beer garden is in order once this Melba weather fines up. I plan to spend a great deal of my summer getting in a van and racking off out of town, so if you do see me during one of my rare Fitzroyal stints, do come and say hello.
**************************
Oh! We seem to have finished early. I am going to tend to the hound before heading out to the mountains for some much-needed lady-time with my most wondrous of girlfriends. I am hoping against hope there will be some kind of cocktail frankfurt arrangement tomorrow NOT A METAPHOR.
Please leave your questions for next week in the comments below, and above all else take heed of George W Bush's latest piece of wisdom:
Three heartening pieces of news this morning as folk of the cloth turn in their droves against John Howard and weigh in on the big issues:
1. IR.
'A Catholic priest, Father Peter Nordern, said workers could not be treated as "just another economic commodity, as raw resources".
"With little bargaining power, you're forced to accept positions with lesser conditions," he said.
"And if this happens, how can a bloke be expected to support a family, to contribute to society, or to plan for the future? All this presents a barrier to starting a family."'
2. Environment.
'The Reverend Sally Bingham, a priest of the United States arm of the Anglican Church, said the targets did not go deep enough and the Government had failed to define what constituted clean energy sources, leaving the targets open to future erosion.'
3. SATAN.
'A British reverend has likened Prime Minister John Howard to the man who ordered the execution of Jesus. The Reverend Canon Peter Macleod-Miller has vented fury of biblical proportions at Mr. Howard, claiming his leprous soul should be exorcised out of office to allow compassion back into Australia.'
That last one is my absolute favourite. 'Claiming his leprous soul should be exoricsed out of office'? TELL IT LIKE IT IS, FATHER PETER.
Not long after I moved into my neighbourhood, some waggish type took it upon him or herself - presumably as some kind of hugely entertaining prank or top secret military training exercise - to steal my recycling bin. This was more of a puzzling hinderance than it was a devastating loss, as the notion of sneaking around Collingwood stuffing wine bottles and newspapers into the bins of my neighbours late at night is not one that is in any way repulsive to me as I am relatively gutter trashish with low hygiene standards and care not a jot re: the moral condemnations of others.
I've managed to get by without my yellow-lidded waste receptacle so far, though I must say that returning home from overseas only to find my OTHER RUBBISH BIN DISAPPEARED WITHOUT A TRACE was a little on the galling side. Was this some kind of personal vendetta against me and my garbage? Was someone out there trying to curse me with overflowing binnage and a Michelle Grattan paper trail? Where the deuce had my bin wandered off to?
To be honest I had no idea how incredibly paranoid the entire debacle was making me until yesterday, when I found myself peering suspiciously at each and every local bin, trying in vain to find my apartment number painted on the side. God knows what I would have done if I'd found it. Presumably shouted AHA and made a citizen's arrest or something equally as idiotic. Try as I might though, I couldn't help myself. Every corner produced another tantalising row of rubbish bins for me to pore over and investigate. I was like the Columbo of the refuse world, and I was on a mission to uncover the truth.
This morning I took Bob Ellis out for an early morning leg stretch wearing a faux fur coat*, and found myself doing it again. I even stopped at a few rectangular suspects and bent down to spot defining characteristics (green, pungent, flip-top lid etc). And then, the end point of a row of five produced a miracle.
MY RUBBISH BIN.
I audibly gasped.
I also - I shit you not - actually said the words 'MY BIN!!' out loud, followed by the pleased and awesomely deranged exclamation 'There you are! Let's go home!!!'
And so, with dog leash in one hand and rubbish bin in the other, I wheeled my prize two blocks down the street and back to its safe haven in the car park behind my apartment, still dressed in my ridiculous coat and talking reassuringly to my waste receptacle lest it get any fresh ideas about packing up shop and exploring the wider world.
I think I'm going to start getting a reputation around these parts.
*yes yes, I was the one wearing the coat. Not the dog. Very clever.
My friend Talia alerted me this morning to a magical new Facebook community of anti-Rudd supporters who are doing their bit for the fellow they describe as 'the Canterbury working class man' (they're talking about that sweatily blue-collar grassroots hero John Howard, lest you grow mildly and reasonably confused) and WHAT A CHARMED AND IN NO WAY SLIGHTLY DERANGED GROUP THEY ARE, FOLKS.
It's always nice to see the ol' 'chardonnary (sic) sipping journalist' cliche trotted out as a reason for voting against the ALP. Everyone knows Kevin does Jager shooters, anyways.
This bit is absolutely my favourite. If I were basing my entire opinion of the Coalition's policies solely on their Facebook supporter's group I'd run screaming in the opposite direction. From the simplistic slack-jawed genius of 'I'm Support Howard 100%' to the heartfelt 'do you want some slimley man representing our country on the world stage? No I hope you don't. John Howard aint perfect, by any stretch...but he is by far the more competent opition than Krud, a man we know nothing about thanks to his 24/7 spin', the site appears to be populated by those who find the challenge of tying their shoelaces in the morning on a par with molecular physics and the Riemann zeta-hypothesis. Additionally I can only assume John McNeil is taking the piss with: 'I hope I wake up tomorrow and John Howard is my father, what a privelege that would be!'. I BOW TO THESE PEOPLE AND THEIR COMEDIC GIFTS.
Besides, if that's not enough to tempt you over to their mystical world of dimwitted funtimes, then this certainly will be:
*switches allegiances*
*removes shirt*
*joins Facebook group 'I won't be voting for a drunken pervert in 07'*
