Robbie: So I was asked to do this emceeing gig at
Wave Aid in 2005. The organisers wanted me to intro Missy Higgins in front of 50,000 people. I was terrified.
Lindsay: I bet.
Robbie: Anyway, I get out on stage and I've got this whole little speech figured out. And everyone's staring at me. And I talk a bit about Missy and intro the song and I'm just about to say: 'Ladies and Gentlemen, Missy Higgins' when I look down and see Michael Chugg glaring at me. And doing the universal hand gesture for 'stretch it out'.
Me: He wanted you to
pad? Why?
Robbie: I don't know! There must have been some technical difficulties or something. So I've got nothing left in my speech and I can't just keep talking shit about Missy Higgins. And I'm totally faltering. And then someone in the crowd yells out 'do the wave'.
Lindsay: So?
Robbie: So....I did.
Me: Wait a minute. You led a mexican wave at a
tsunami benefit concert?
Robbie: Two of them.
Lindsay:
Two waves?
Me: What the hell's the matter with you?
Robbie: I don't know, I panicked! I didn't even realise how wrong it was until halfway through the second one!
Me: So have the organisers for the Holocaust Remembrance Day been in touch?
Robbie: Not yet, no.
*
long pause*
Robbie: Still, it filled time til Missy Higgins came on.
52 comments.
Me: So I got a missed call from you last night.
Pop Le Ginge: Yeah, I was phoning up because I saw that thing about your blog in the paper. And Telstra just connected me to the internet, so I thought I should take a look.
Me: Oh god, I wouldn't recommend it.
Pop Le Ginge: First I was going to call up to get the address. But then I found it. And there was that thing about Brendan Nelson and Tony Abbott pretending to be on the phone. And I thought 'what's all this?'
Me: Yeah, that's just a dumb thing that I do.
Pop Le Ginge: Well, that's why I called. Because, you know, I was sitting there looking at it. And I wasn't sure what it was going to be - an essay, or a story, or whatever. And there were these photos. And I just thought...is that it?
Me: .........
Pop Le Ginge: So I phoned you.
Me: You phoned me last night to say that you'd read my blog and was that
it?
Pop Le Ginge: Kind of. I just didn't know if I was supposed to laugh.
Me: Well, hopefully. It's pretty lightweight.
Pop Le Ginge: That's what I thought. I read that Nelson thing and then another one and I figured, 'okay, I'll laugh'.
Me: ..............
Pop Le Ginge: So I did.
Me: Well...good.
Pop Le Ginge: I listened to you on the radio this morning, too.
Me: Oh yes?
Pop Le Ginge: I was clearing out crap from my living room and I thought: 'now, this is good music to clear out crap to'.
Me: It certainly is.
Pop Le Ginge: I could only manage half an hour.
Me: .......
Pop Le Ginge: So...there you go.
Me: I'm glad we had this chat.
Pop Le Ginge: Me too.
36 comments.
*ring ring*
'The doctor is in.'
'Brendan, John here.'
'Who?'
'John Howard. John Winston Howard. The tracky spacky. Remember?'
'..............'
'Listen, I know you've been going through a bit of a rough trot and I wanted to call you up and let you know I've
got your back.'
'.............................'
'I mean it. I understand times are tough and I will do everything I can, in a quiet way, to help you.'
'.............................'
'It's like Ice T says, 'my gang's my family, it's all that I have/I'm a star, on the wall's my autograph'. You know?'
'.............................'
'Hello?'
'Er... Senor Nelson not here.'
'What?'
'El Doctor Nelson no está aquí. Llamada otra vez más adelante.'
'Brendan, is that you putting on a funny voice?'
'Apesadumbrado, no entiendo. No hay el Doctor Nelson. Llamada otra vez más adelante!'
'Brendan...'
'CCHHHHHH BAD LINE CCCCCHHHHHHHHH'
'................................'
'Thank you for calling Telstra. Our operators are currently experiencing a higher than usual demand and you may be placed in a queue. We will endeavour to answer your call as soon as possible.'
'...................'
'.....................'
'...................'
'.....................'
'...................'
'.....................'
'Brendan, I can hear you breathing.'
*
click*
'...............................'
'...............................'
'I can wait a long time, you know.'
'...............................'
'Hello?'
63 comments.
*
ring ring*
'The doctor is in.'
'Beano, it's T-bags.'
'The Abmaster 3000! Good to hear from you, bru. How's that saucy wench of a wife yours these days?'
'Margaret? She's fine.'
'What did she think of that mix cd I sent her?'
'Oh, she...ah, she thought it was...great.'
'Favourite track?'
'Ah....'
'Was it Dizzee Rascal? That shit is da bomb.'
'Sure. That's what it was.'
'Damn straight. Actually T-bird, I'm mightily glad you called. I've been meaning to catch you on the blower for a while.'
'Oh?'
'Well, things have been kind of chaotic. I mean, everyone in the canteen is calling me Sister Helen Prejean. They think I don't notice but I do.'
'Ouch.'
'Look, I don't mind. I like a laugh as much as the next guy. You know that, right? We've shared some laughs together, haven't we?'
'Sure. I guess.'
'Remember that time we made up all those sweet jokes?'
'Yep.'
'The one about the twelve-month waiting list for the Irish abortion clinic made me LOL for about eight days. Ask anyone! Wee came out!'
'Listen, Brindle - '
'Do you know why I wanted to call you, T? Do you?'
'Not really.'
'I wanted to say thank you.'
'.......'
'Hello?'
'...Thank you for what?'
'For standing by me through the tough times.'
'.........'
'I'm the first to admit I've made some mistakes. But I'm in this to win it! I can smell victory! I can smell what The Rock is cooking!'
'...Okay...'
'Can you smell what The Rock is cooking, Tony?'
'........'
'I own six guitars!'
'........'
'Six, Tony!!'
'I know.'
'Anyhoo, that's what I've always loved about you. Your loyalty. Your ability to
stand by your mates in times of crisis. And your ears. THEY ARE LIKE SEASHELLS OF FLESH ADORNING YOUR SKULL AHAHAHAHAHAHAA.'
'..........'
'Tony?'
'.......'
'I'm counting on you, Tony.'
'.............'
'One day it's going to be you and me. You and me, Tony. We'll show them that we've made it.'
'...........'
'I think this is a bad line. Can I call you back?'
'....Sure.'
'Which number will you be on?'
'I...ah....I'm not sure yet.'
'Oh.'
'Maybe I'll call you when I figure out...where I'll be.'
'Okay.'
'Catch you around.'
'One more thing, Tony!'
'Yes?'
'I own six guitars!!!'
'.................'
'And a motorbike!!!!!!'
'....I have to go.'
'Missing you already, champ.'
'...Yeah. You too.'
*
click*
'.....................'
'.....................'
'.....................'
'Six guitars.'
50 comments.
There's been an enormously hilarious mix-up with the quotes attributed to the weeping political figures below. Can you solve the puzzle and affix the correct soundbite to the sobbing, broken man?
p.s. In some cases the incorrect quote may be more frighteningly apt than the original and believe me this scares me as much as it scares you.
''I hope that Mr. Peacock will recognize the enormity of the allegation that he's made against me, that I am a crook, that I associate with criminals, that I am directed by them.''
"I have sinned against you, my Lord, and I would ask that your precious blood would wash and cleanse every stain until it is in the seas of God's forgiveness."
"Under the glare of the desert sun he never lost his cool."
"Family is everything."
"What I want the American people to know, what I want the Congress to know is that I am profoundly sorry for all I have done wrong in words and deeds.
....So nothing, not piety, nor tears, nor wit, nor torment can alter what I have done. I must make my peace with that."
61 comments.
I am currently searching for accommodation in Canberra and it is pleasing me greatly. Not only because staying in hotels is generally a cause for great excitement (nudie one-person olympics held in the bathroom/kitchenette arena etc) but because through online perusal one is treated to a PHOTOGRAPHIC GLIMPSE OF PERFECTION.
per example:
This is not only my dream hotel water feature, it is my dream future-house-in-the-country lobby. I want to swish past this upon returning home from work of an evening and exclaim to my long-suffering husband that I've had the most hellish of days and if he doesn't fix me a martini post-haste I will throw a certifiable hissy.
Look at those pastels! Marvellous.
You know you'll be staying at a quality hotel when they not only show you photographs of the food, but the culinary examples on offer resemble a few paltry lettuce leaves decorated with raw spanish onion and served with two empty glasses. Residents of Guantanamo Bay, your supper is ready.
Advertised: high-tech fitness centre with state of the art equipment.
Reality: Ex 'creche space' feat. broken stairmaster and rowing machine once pissed on by Warwick Capper.
Who wouldn't want to stay somewhere that spends such a painstaking amount of time fashioning the bath towels into decorative and practical rosettes? Yet how can one reconcile the need to dry oneself off with the BLATANT DESTRUCTION OF ART?
Canberrian poolside area? Or Hefner's infamous Playboy grotto?
Just look at the sunlight playing off the spa steam. It's a gangbang waiting to happen, people. Note generous amount of towels (un-rosetted).
I can't figure this picture out at all. It was titled "reception" (inverted commas model's own) but it's all dark and scary and looks like the area at the end of a Dreamworld ride where you emerge blinking and covered in vomit and get forced to purchase a photo of yourself in the midst of a screaming conniption.
MUST. STAY. AT. THIS. HOTEL.
Seriously, where do they hire these people from? They're so cheery and full of joie de vivre I could weep. If they lived at my house I would tell them I loved them every day just to ensure they felt secure.
104 comments.
So if you can't see it clearly, that text message on the far right reads as follows:
'WE HAD INTRUDERS AND A COUPLE OF PEOPLE GOT STABED AMD HIT'
Look, I've never been held hostage by
machete wielding maniacs or anything so I can't say that I would have necessarily kept my cool in similar circumstances. But
stabed? Christ. If I'm able to sms poetic soliloquies to random boys whilst under the influence of crack absinthe and sake and STILL SPELL CORRECTLY then surely a trembling teen could get it together to work the word 'and'.
Failing that they probably need to update predictive text on mobile phones to assist folk in times of crisis: SND HLP GNMN/OMG BMB/TWN TWRS :(/etc.
That's right, I'm tasteless and I'm going to hell. Pass the organic dates.
90 comments.
