Ms Fits is an irritatingly smug 32 year-old television writer who yearns to be Bob Ellis but will settle for Bob Hart. At least he gets free meals. Pompous nobjockey.
I'm not going to bang on about my holiday in Byron all week (did I mention I was there? In Byron? Try the veal, etc) but I just need to unleash about something that in my mind is a menace to the otherwise relaxed streets of the North Coast and it's Wicked Vans and you can't convince me that these things are in any way good or proper no matter how much gin you order me.
If you're yet to be introduced to the wild and magical world of Wicked Campers look away now before you want to scoop your own eyes out with a rusty fork then AREN'T YOU IN FOR A TREAT as I have found photographs of a few of my favourites and I am going to share them with you.
According to the website:
'What Wicked Campers does is sort you out with Australian cheap rental camper vans for about the same price as hiring a car. Each van comes with a unique paintjob as well as accommodation and a kitchen built in.
You won't waste your money on the frilly bits so you'll be able to afford all those great activities and have all those wicked adventures in Australia you've always dreamed of.'
You'll also share the uniqueness of passerby poking each other in the ribs and whispering: 'Look, there goes a massive cockhead who in all probability digitally penetrates hitchhikers'. Lucky thing.
Look, I don't know what a 'Chubby's Stiffie' is as opposed to a normal erect penis but I'm pretty sure if I were creator of such a thing I wouldn't bang on about it. Particularly not on the back window of my car.
Isn't Chubby's Stiffie some kind of tautology, anyway? Discuss.
Deep.
Makes you think, right? ABOUT SEMEN.
I'm a fan of the Rolling Stones, but the last thing I would want is to burn around the beaches with a painting of them looking like Cabbage Patch Kids on crack. What the hell is going on with Keith's mouth? Is he supposed to be some kind of lion man?
The lesser known 'if a tree falls in the woods' philosophical puzzler. Stoners have been known to gather around this car en masse, nodding their heads and staring thoughtfully into space. This is how great thinkers are born, people. Great thinkers and victims of anal rape.
What does this even fucking mean? Like ladies see an erection and just open up 'shop'? Maybe I'm missing something. I hope I'm missing something. Otherwise I'm going to kill myself and take others with me.
OMG I AM TOTALLY GETTING INTO THIS CAR AND SQUEEZING BETWEEN TWO ADORABLE SURFER TYPES WHO APPRECIATE MY VAGINA LOLOLOLOL111!!!1!
The words 'enough said' seem to suffice at this point. Thanks for listening.
So his name is Will Arnett and he is kind of like the male version of Sarah Silverman and thusly I am rather in love with him.
Please note: if you are in any way offended by phrases such as 'I'm going to babysit your vagina', then it's probably best you don't watch. Also it's probably best we're not close friends any time in the future as I am offensively lowbrow.
So I've sadly returned from my Byron holiday older and wiser and incredibly tanned back in the swing of the working week and whilst away I had an encounter with two sullen teenage girl hitchhikers in Bangalow which I would like to tell you about now as it puts me in a cheerily inane light and I live to give of myself on this here blog.
SOME THINGS YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T SAY TO A PAIR OF SULLEN TEENAGE GIRL HITCHHIKERS IF YOU WANT TO MAINTAIN A SEMBLANCE OF COOL IN THE FACE OF YOUTHFUL ALOOFNESS:
1.
Me: So....hitchhiking, eh?
Girl #1: Yep.
Me: Pretty dangerous business.
(Beat)
Me: Not compared to wrestling with crocodiles, obviously. LOL.
Girl #1: (glancing over with undisguised loathing) ...Right.
2.
Me: (trying desperately to fit in) Yeah, I used to hitchhike a bit myself back in the day. Not that I'd recommend it now. You don't know what kind of creeps drive through Bangalow.
Girl #2: Totally.
Me: *breathes heavily*
Girl #2: ........
Me:*rubs palms against bare thighs*
Girl #2: ..............
Me: Nah, I'm just messing with you. Seriously though, nice shorts. Are they from Dangerfield?
Girl #2: ...................
3.
Me: Once? When I was hitchhiking? As a young girl? Some weird old guy tried to kiss me. And I was all, like...ewwwww.
Girl #1: Gross.
Me: You're telling me! Old men. YUK.
Girl #1: I blew a truckie once.
*long pause*
Me: (thoughtful) I guess old guys take it where they can get it sometimes.
Apartment owner: Are you going for a walk to the beach?
Me: Yes. Saw a tiger snake down the path yesterday, but I won't let it deter me.
Apartment owner: Tiger snake, eh? What did it look like?
Me: Kind of...black. With tiger stripes.
Apartment owner: Aw, those'll be okay. Do you know what a brown snake looks like?
Me: .....
Apartment owner: Seriously.
Me: Er....brown?
Apartment owner: Yep. And big. They're mean, too.
Me: Great.
Apartment owner: Yeah, there's a lot of snakes down that path. But what I usually do is, before I head up the sandy bit, I stomp my feet really hard. That puts the wind up them; gets them moving.
Me: Okay, will do.
Apartment owner: And if I come across some stubborn bugger that just sits there in the sun like 'ohhhh, can't be fucked moving', I chuck a few sticks at it.
Me: Even the mean ones?
Apartment owner: I do it from a distance.
Me: Understood.
***************************
Look, I'm not saying I'm not particularly brave. But if anyone in the vicinity of Tallow Beach comes across a milky writer in a big hat and little shorts not only stamping her tiny feet in the ground like she's trying to kill a groundhog but additionally shouting the words STOMP STOMP at the top of her voice, don't judge. She's probably just a little bit terrified and wishing someone a lot more au fait with reptiles would come along and help her.
A darling friend of mine has a lovely baby boy who she dotes upon and she told me a very nice story the other day which made me laugh like a drain and I thought I'd share it to give us all a little reprieve from the soul-baring taking place in the confessions post below - wondrous and humbling though it is.
KP: So I was walking him to the pool. And I was wearing my beach muuumuu.
Me: Nice.
KP: And this pimply youth on a canary yellow BMX comes up. He's the kind of guy that you look at and immediately think 'git'.
Me: Sounds like a few ex-boyfriends of mine.
KP: Totally. He sort of looked like a weasel and was drinking a supersized Slurpee.
Me: Maybe it was an ex boyfriend.
KP: Too young. Anyway, as he passes he says to me "I'm gonna lick your pussy, then I'm gonna lick your ass".
Me: What?
KP: "I'm gonna lick your pussy, then I'm gonna lick your ass".
Me: That's completely insane.
KP: I know, I just pissed myself laughing. How sad is that guy's life that he has to porn talk a mumma?
Me: Must've been a hot muumuu.
KP: I love how organised he is. Already got all the moves worked out, ready to roll.
Me: Well, it pays to plan ahead.
KP: And seriously, is this now the type of guy I appeal to? You're not the only one that's hot with the youth, my friend. I still got it goin' on.
So the people speak, and like the slavering dog I am I leap to appease you - thusly, back by populist demand, herewith and forthcoming, live and direct etc: RYWHM Confession Booth.
It's quite simple, really. Confess, get something off your chest, share. We will each judge you privately and feel relieved we don't share your quirkly oddness whilst yet fretting that our own peccadilloes may be unfit for human consumption.
Here are some of my favourites from last time:
01May16:51 Anonymous said... I lusted and chased after a married woman till she eventually caved in to me.
I lusted and chased after Jemaine from Flight of the Conchords until he eventually went back to New Zealand. Live and learn, people.
01May17:09 Anonymous said... i want to tell one of my best friends that i hate her.
that i think she's a great waste of space and i can't be fucked putting in the effort to see her anymore.
that if she quit smoking, did some fucking exercise and ate some decent food she might lose the weight she keeps bitching about.
but i can't. i've known her for so long. so i live with the guilt for fear of the fall out.
One might proffer the opinion that were this lady a 'best friend' you'd be less inclined to employ the rather harsh term 'hate', Anon. Still, this was almost a year ago. Perhaps the two of you have made nice.
01May17:29 MordWa said... I once sold my family's prized cow 'Bessie', and all I got was these here magic beans...
I'm not sure this one is entirely true, but I enjoy it nonetheless.
Then there are the ones that break your heart a little bit....
01May18:49 Anonymous said... I love my dog more than my family, friends and wife. I cry a few times a week just because he is 8 years old and I know he doesn't have a heap of time left.
....or just make you feel strange in the pants....
01May22:25 Anonymous said... Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I fantasise I am having a four-way with the three oldest siblings from Party of Five.
But then you can't quite beat the startling simplicity of:
05May22:49 Anonymous said... My only sexual experience was with a girl who died a week later.
So there you go. The comment section is your blank canvas. Free yourselves of your secrets.
