Reasons you will hate me

People I have written fan letters to and then been slightly miffed to find I'm not mentioned in their next column/book/song:

1. John Lethlean, Age food critic.
Not only did I email him to give him the hot tip about flagship Fitzroy restaurant Growlers turning into a Claypots , but I also asked him out to dinner. This resulted in a few innocuously ribald emails going back and forth until he agreed, which is credit to the pure, unadulterated force that is my charm. Naturally when Tuesday's Epicure came out I expected at least a nod to the 'source', or even for his restaurant review to begin with the words: 'A charming and good-looking reader suggested this week's review of Maisonette...'


Surprisingly, nothing. Now I'm starting to worry about where to take him and how he's going to behave at the restaurant. Is he going to poke at the food and take sly photos with his camera phone?




2. Bob Ellis, genius.
There's nothing more I can do or say with regard to Bob Ellis without being seen as a professional stalker. I have mentioned him when being interviewed about my clothing label . I have named my dog after him. I even wrote him a pithy and not uninteresting letter about the time I called the White House during the Iraq war. All I'm asking for is a little political guidance during tumultuous times. Or a paragraph about how impressed he is by me and my achievements in his regular Encore column.




3. Bill Bryson , travel writer.
And before you can say 'genial old cunt whose books only middle-class parents read', this was nine years ago when I was slightly less sophisticated and effortlessly chic than I am now. I wrote B.Bryson a letter lavishly praising his prose and boastfully dropping the fact that not only did I write for Neighbours (which anyone knows is a sure-fire way to get into another writers' pants), but I could also take him on a tour of Ramsay street when he came to Australia to pen another best-selling tome. Surprisingly, he not only DID NOT TAKE ME UP ON MY THOUGHTFUL OFFER, he also failed to mention either Neighbours or myself in his book 'Sunburned Country'.




4. David Sedaris , sardonic gay man.
I didn't really expect David Sedaris to write a short story about me - and, considering the occasionally vicious way he portrays his family members, I'm not certain I want him to - but having at least had the foresight to be 'into' him before everyone else was 'into' him, he could have chucked a bon mot my way.

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