Reasons you will hate me

this is absolutely priceless.

I agree with nicole about the fantastic chuckle-value of this post (for those clever people like us who understand it, anyway).

Although I think I prefer my own explanation in the comments section of the previous post, entitled "T minus 41 days"...

This post is absolutely priceless. Fantastic, hilarious and depressingly true. John Howard sucks ass.

Krissy from tooaskew.com

That was the awesome-ist awesome. Esp the bit about the alcoholic goth Democrat leader.

'kin A

or something. Anyway here's hoping it's not a mass suicide...

-hamish-
soul.scan.swin.edu.au/~hinnesbrown/diary.php

Aussie Politics 101 Thanks! Now I understand. Fuck the Aussie Big L Liberals. Small L liberals are good. I know somebody who sort of looks like that last old bat pictured. Would it help if I shoot her? Okay somebody said that "they just found out they had a general election." Don't these things get planned in advance or are they like premature ejaculations? You're working toward them but they announce themselves suddenly. I've personally NEVER myself experienced such a surprise in the bedroom unless you count those first 34 times and that really rushed break-up sex with that actress I dated. I don't know how I went from Aussie politics to my penis. I think I'm going to start a petition for folks to sign that 1) accuses Bush of International War Crimes and 2) Demands that he be killed and eaten. Don't tell anybody outside our little circle, but America has Weapons of Mass Destruction. I think we should be invaded.

Hahaha, they should teach this in schools.

Genius. I'm linking to you now.

Television writer, eh? Let me guess- the 7.30 Report; The Glass House- nah, it was mildly amusing, although a fair bit was plagiarised from South Park; surely not either of the two woeful "comedies" on the evil commercial networks?
How about a disclosure- anyone involved in the media/arts alliance cabal thinks they're going to get a bigger bucketload of other people's money under Labor for their pathetic and turgid output, and the ALP and the Greens will further cosset them from any overseas competition. Hows that for truth in advertising?

You got me, Paul. That's totally what I'm about - bucketloads of other people's money. I'm looking to cash in on Labor. And all those sand-niggers bringing bombs over on leaky boats can go fuck themselves.


How can one man be so perceptive?

ALP policy on illegal immigrants is identical, as is their whole immigration policy. WTF?

Listen Smarty, I'm not here to back up Kim Beazley's weak as piss performance in the last election, nor am I here to blow smoke up the arse of the ALP. But just as M.Moore's main objective is to get Bush the fuck out of power and then turn his attention to the Dems, so too will Labor be held accountable. All I want firstly is for that divisive little fucker to disappear in a cloud of smoke.

Now go away before I start using my god-like blog administrator powers to censor you for bothering me.

Brilliant. You tell it exactly like it is.

I just thought I wouldnt mention that, historically, "Liberal" means many many many different things to different people. Strictly speaking, Liberalism refers to the primacy of the Individual in his/her struggles against goverment and/or capitalism and/or society.

The difference between Liberals as they are known in Australia and Liberals as they are known in America is one of hair splitting political science. Liberals in America are what's known as "Welfare Liberals". They believe that the greatest threat to an individual comes from the capitalist class that subjugates individual citizens (im sure your familiar with a man named Marx). While Liberalism as it's known in America is a long way from Communism, its sympathy for Marxism should be clear.

Liberalism over here is different. Liberals over here are schooled in what is known as Classical Liberalism. They believe that the greatest threat to individual Liberty comes from Government. Consequently they are proponents of Small Government policies. Selling Telstra, Slashing big Chunks out of Centrelink and higher education are examples of this sort of Liberalism.

Clearly both American Liberals and Australian Liberals are practicing a form of Liberalism. It's just that the 2 streams of Liberalism are so completely different as to make the term "liberalism" totally useless in all but the most wanky and academic discussions of politics.

Shit - there is someone else game enough to rant and swear as bad I do when it comes to Aus politics.

May I share my thoughts on Downer?Alexander Downer Must Die!

Alexander Downer
Could his nose get anymore browner?
Crawlie crawlie suckie suckie, BUMLICK
Our foreign minister makes me sick.
With a searing hot blowtorch,
His testicles I would fry;
Make no bones about it
Alexander Downer must die!

Alexander Downer
Adelaide Club member and founder.
Send him to Abu-Ghraib, give him a whack!
Clay piping and barbed wire, rammed fair up his crack.
A meeting with Colin Powell is nigh?
You can’t sit down for the meeting, too bad!
Alexander Downer must die!

Alexander Downer
Says our intelligence couldn’t be sounder.
Lording it over ASEAN, kissing arse to the Queen,
The REAL Queen, not Prince Edward, ya know what I mean?
I’d prefer Sir Les Patterson, cultural attaché, forever belching;
Anything’s better than Bush and Blair dropping their dacks
And saying, “ Hey Downer boy, GET FELCHING!”

I don’t want a foreign minister
Who enforces our subjugation.
I want someone who stands up for us
For an Australia, girt with self-determination.

Alexander Downer
Peter Garrett has you in a flounder.
You cannot relate to the common man
Tsk, quoting song lyrics, a wannabe rock fan.
I wanna see you shit your pants with the ALP polls sky-high
Pull another Tampa, prey on fear, it won’t matter
COS ALEXANDER DOWNER MUST DIE!

www.darpism.com

Hey, Toots- why don't you take a lesson on stifling dissent from Niall?

A serious dissertation of the word Liberal, a poem, and a challenge over censorship referring to me as 'Toots'. Best comments ever.

BRILLIANT!!! bloody brilliant...
... now don't we just wish that we could brainwash all those "mainstream australians" so they don't get fooled into "TRUSTING" mr. Eyebrows again.

you ROCK my world!!

oh, and kranki... it's the PM's call when the election happens. He has until March next year (when his term is up) to call an election for six weeks before. He tries to juggle what's happening politically and his mud-slinging ability.

He needs to make sure that it doesn't collide with school holidays (cos then all his supporters will get pissed off cos they'll be overseas holidaying with their private school kiddies in toffy nosed resorts and won't appreciate having to "slum it" to the australian consulate to vote). He can't let it conflict with sport (olympics or the grand final) because we all know sport comes before politics :P.

Then he needs to make sure he's got some stupid lie to pull out of his arse a couple of weeks out so that all us amnesiac aussies forget about what's happening in the rest of the campaign and decide we need to "trust" him to protect us against some made up foreign evil.

God I hope he fails miserably!... but fear he won't.

So, from what you said to Paul, you also think that Labor are evil? Presumably for the same, or similar, unstated reasons as you think that about the Liberals?

So Latham would stand up to Bush and use his 'colourful vernacular' to call him the retarded fuckstain that he is and tell him to go fuck himself in the corner? Or do you think that maybe Labor would follow the same policy as every other Australian government for the last 60 years and try not to piss the Americans off?

I might be asking a little much here as, despite your indications of serious interest in politics, you failed (in this post at least) to give any indication of reasoning or thought process. I found it amusing, but given the stated aim I would have felt that at least some explanations could be the go

Then again, I'm new to your little world here, so I'm probably missing the correct contextual frame to comprehend this rant. Speaking of being a newbie, WTF is Blogger's concept with me having to be anonymous because I don't have a Blogger site? That's just fucking dumb

I'm definitely with you on Nat Stott-Despoja. She's hot. And she drinks like a fish. I used to hit the town with her and her cousin in Canberra. We had some awesome times

Regardless, I don't understand your position on the smaller parties. Why is it important to vote for the Greens? The smaller parties can't keep up. It is just a waste of influence. An example would be once when I asked Nat what the Democrats Defence policy was. She thought about it for a while and said, "You know, I don't think we have one". Given she was Deputy Party Leader at the time, that says to me that the Democrats didn't have a fucking Defence policy! That doesn't strike me as a party I want in government. The smaller parties don't have the manpower or the resources to keep up on everything, so they only focus on their particular hobby-horses - that does not strike me as liable to make them capable of governing my country

For my money (or, more specifically, my vote) the two major parties are basically the same. The sole difference is that one of them has Howard and one does not. I think he is a bastard and a liar, but I also think he is a cunning motherfucker. Since the other side doesn't have one of those, and the Libs don't have another one waiting in the wings, I'll be voting for the cunning motherfucker every time (if only Kennett would go into federal politics!)

Cheers,
Nakijo

You know what Nakijo? Despite me having more than a passing interest in politics, this blog is supposed to mostly be a gayly charming slice of pop culture and not a place for in-depth discussion. Read the title.

And if I may refer to various points in your comment:

I don't think Labor are evil. I think they are human.
I think the Greens are important for many social and environmental reasons.
I'm sure everyone here is very impressed that you know Natasha Stott-Despoja well enough to call her 'Nat'. Way to go you.
I don't know if Mark Latham would try not to piss off the Americans. So far I feel his policy on the alliance is pretty reasonable and I am watching with interest to see where he goes next.

I hope that clears up some points for you. And seeing that you're planning on voting for that 'cunning motherfucker' John Howard on October 9th, I'd like to politely request that you fuck off and die.

Thank-you for commenting on my blog.

Go Toots! I knew there was something missing in the blogosphere, and now there isn't!
cs

So, from what you said to Paul, you also think that Labor are evil? Presumably for the same, or similar, unstated reasons as you think that about the Liberals?

So Latham would stand up to Bush and use his 'colourful vernacular' to call him the retarded fuckstain that he is and tell him to go fuck himself in the corner? Or do you think that maybe Labor would follow the same policy as every other Australian government for the last 60 years and try not to piss the Americans off?

I might be asking a little much here as, despite your indications of serious interest in politics, you failed (in this post at least) to give any indication of reasoning or thought process. I found it amusing, but given the stated aim I would have felt that at least some explanations could be the go

Then again, I'm new to your little world here, so I'm probably missing the correct contextual frame to comprehend this rant. Speaking of being a newbie, WTF is Blogger's concept with me having to be anonymous because I don't have a Blogger site? That's just fucking dumb

I'm definitely with you on Nat Stott-Despoja. She's hot. And she drinks like a fish. I used to hit the town with her and her cousin in Canberra. We had some awesome times

Regardless, I don't understand your position on the smaller parties. Why is it important to vote for the Greens? The smaller parties can't keep up. It is just a waste of influence. An example would be once when I asked Nat what the Democrats Defence policy was. She thought about it for a while and said, "You know, I don't think we have one". Given she was Deputy Party Leader at the time, that says to me that the Democrats didn't have a fucking Defence policy! That doesn't strike me as a party I want in government. The smaller parties don't have the manpower or the resources to keep up on everything, so they only focus on their particular hobby-horses - that does not strike me as liable to make them capable of governing my country

For my money (or, more specifically, my vote) the two major parties are basically the same. The sole difference is that one of them has Howard and one does not. I think he is a bastard and a liar, but I also think he is a cunning motherfucker. Since the other side doesn't have one of those, and the Libs don't have another one waiting in the wings, I'll be voting for the cunning motherfucker every time (if only Kennett would go into federal politics!)

Cheers,
Nakijo

For all those recyclers who want to tell us "they are both the same nyah nyah but somehow I am just going to vote for the particular fucknuckle who is already in government" ...

Cast your mind back to East Timor. Remember? turn on the television in your head. News reports? All those lines of dusky people standing in line to vote with all those bangs and scarey bodies in the street and bits of their city on fire?

They risked their lives to vote. Armed gangs of Indo vigilantes wanted them dead. If you want to know why voting is important, ask someone who can't.

AND; if Keating had won in 1996, here is a small list of shite we wouldn't have to endure now.
1.GST
2. Concentration camps in the desert
3. Tampa and Nauru
4. Us in Iraq.
5. fuckun bloody give your bum to the americans to play with Free Trade Agreement.

Oh, and universities, broadcasting, the film industries, indigenous stuff, CSIRO and Telstra would all be in much better condition (even though the ALP helped to stuff them up in the first place and actually Dawkins and co we haven't forgotten may your asbestos undies rot as you writhe in the hell of our contempt unto the ninetyninth generation.)

That's for starters. There might have been other ugly cockups, but I don't think they would have been quite as humiliating for the average decent citizen like all youse and me.

(and I am not anonymous. Its David Tiley from barista).

Now go away before I start using my god-like blog administrator powers to censor you for bothering me.This is a great blog, but please don't pull a Tim Blair and start censoring comments... anyway, you don't need to. Your responses do the job nicely.

Have you considered using a commenting system like Haloscan so that people who don't have blogspot sites can still post without having to be anonymous?

Thanks for the back-up, Jeremy. It's just tiring sometimes having to waste my best pithy comebacks on the comments section. I don't doubt you can sympathise. There are far more important things to be doing - scrubbing oneself raw whilst atoning for sins, for one.

Anonymous posters can add their name/url at the bottom of their comment so we may collectively smite them or praise them.

Meg's Blog. http://www.megsdesk.com/journal/index.php

Good one Toots.

This is outstanding and should be taught in schools!
Danya.

Childish.

It's Labor, not Labour, because that's the way such words were spelt early on the scene with English. Shakespeare was a non-u bloke, be it known. Robust. Prissy Samuel Johnson snuck in the u as a cultural cringe towards the French around the 18th century. So it's a genteelism. And I don't have the impression you're genteel.
-- Murray

It's Labor, not Labour, because that's the way such words were spelt early on the scene with English. Shakespeare was a non-u bloke, be it known. Robust. Prissy Samuel Johnson snuck in the u as a cultural cringe towards the French around the 18th century. So it's a genteelism. And I don't have the impression you're genteel.
-- Murray

It's Labor, not Labour, because that's the way such words were spelt early on the scene with English. Shakespeare was a non-u bloke, be it known. Robust. Prissy Samuel Johnson snuck in the u as a cultural cringe towards the French around the 18th century. So it's a genteelism. And I don't have the impression you're genteel.
-- Murray

So be told (sorry about that)!
-- Murray

This is all getting way too serious.

I'd like to make a passing reference to breasts at this point.

Thank you.

Dear Ms Fits,

Congratulations on your EDDY at Barista. This is a historic moment and richly deserved.

I reckon I can get something going with this. ..

jeepers this took off! nice to see people with opinions!

Alright Toots, show us yer tits!

Love your sentiments, if not your style. Anyone who can dismiss Bickford with such delicious distain deserves a good linking to.

Niall

Anonymous #72 AKA Nakijo:

My refusal to bleed out for polite necrophiliac requests not withstanding, I appreciate your comments. Thanks for responding. Looking back over my (double? WTF?) post, I can see that the 'Nat' reference is just a mite lame. Basically I couldn't be arsed writing the whole 'Natasha Stott-Despoja' thing each time and, besides, I actually did call her 'Nat' in those days

I don't know about 'gayly charming', but, sure, I wasn't expecting an in-depth article along the lines of ExistAngst's comment. I guess I just struggle to separate my political views from my political knowledge. Many people cite views similar to yours (and mine, I'd say) due to ignorance. Their political ideas are indeed 'half-baked'. So, if you have the goods to back it up (and I consider pretty much any political opinion valid as long as it is reasoned), I simply can't comprehend why you wouldn't use them. I'd far prefer something that added to the total sum of knowledge, or at least spread it around a bit

But, hey, as they always seem to say in the various little 'blogospheres' that I spend time in, "it's your site, you can do what you damn well like with it". I just don't get it, that's all

Okay, so you don't get it. Whatever. Have fun voting for John Howard, ballbag.

Good God.
This is a difficult time for us shallow ones.
If I promise to vote, will you hurry back to pop culture topics?

They definitely should use this for high school reference notes!

I did learn one thing though - I never knew Bob Brown was gay?

Keep up the good work, and lets get rid of Mr.Sheen in October (or earlier if anyone feels like blowing him up).

-- Dan Who Has A Slight Attraction To Natasha

http://danmeddy.livejournal.com

Nakijo, read the title of this post. "POLITICS FOR BEGINNERS." Like idiot me. There are 30+ people well 27 and and idiot who posted the same thing three times jumping in to comment on this post. That's cool. And on the topic of cool. I'm from L.A. where name dropping is an art form for some. You be not so smooth with the dropping the name. If you're looking for commentary without the edgy-funny-I'd-pee-on-you-if-you-were-in-the-same-room-as-me attitude then you're in the wrong place. BUT I do not want you to leave because I enjoy when you comment and then Fits carves you up like a surgeon on speed. So please post often. In fact please come criticize my site. Lately it's just been me attempting to entertain Bevis (bless him and his ability to read).

Nakijo:

kranki,
actually I like your site. I've visited it before. That was how I discovered the lovely Ms Fits

I guess I'm just the country boy who doesn't fit in with you city folks. After all, I can't even name drop properly. But then, I didn't mention the time I organised a team of volunteers to pull Bob Brown's car from Parliament House to the hospital in Woden (and I called him 'Senator', not 'Bob') for a charity my friends and I started - Intensive Care for Kids. Nor did I talk about the time I meet Jeff Kennett

Why ever not? Surely such stories would give me grand street-cred with witty political minded folks such as yourselves?

Oh yeah, I remember, I made my reference to our favourite blonde politico because Ms Fits referred to meeting her in a pub and indicated that she has "god-like qualities". I was sharing my own similar story to express my agreement with her sentiments

Now I enjoy a bit of to and fro as much as anyone, but I didn't come here looking for a fight. I found writing that interested me. Personalities that interested me. I thought I would see what I could contribute

I was unaware that dissension requires the 'surgeon on speed'. I would have thought that any opinion would be welcome here, provided it was expressed reasonably and politely. I thought I had done that

It seems I was wrong, but that's happened before. After all, I must have thought I was cooler than you

Listen Nakijo, I could give a flying fuckwad about who is cooler or who is from the country. But if I recall correctly you said in your first comment that you're planning on voting for John Howard on October 9th. Since then I've kind of switched off.

Be sure to have a super election, though!

Hey there Ms Fits. A very good friend emailed the "Politics for Beginners" to me and I will now be forwarding in on myself - it's fantastic.

I've been looking everywhere on your site for a way to email you that isn't leaving a public comment because I think you would really like this song and wanted to send you the MP3. Posting it publicly means I'm kinda pushin' my barrow more than I wanted to but I'll take the punt that it might be worth it. The song is called "Georgie Boy". It's for Bush and Blair. It won the WAM Song of the Year over here and it's had a little bit of play on JJJ and other stations but it got shut down - I'm told - because it's too political (the original version had Johnny Howard and Maccas in it, too). I've now recorded this radio-friendly-fire version, hoping it will get more play. It's still angry and satirical but it doesn't have quite so much of the fucks, cock-sucking and Coke in it.

Anyway, it's here if you wanna listen to it: www.andrewhorabin.com

I have no idea who you are or how you got here but "Politics for Beginners" is great and I know some folks who are gonna LOVE it.

Some boats need some serious rockin'!

Thankyou!
Andrew

P.S. When is your show on RRR? I'm in Perth but I'll be in Melbourne in October and would love to listen out for it when I'm there. I called the station but they said "Ms Fits must be an alias because there's no one presenting under that name here" ...

Heh heh... I find Andrew's PS (above) very amusing. I'm sure that if you tuned in on Tuesday nights after 10pm you'd hear Ms Fits being disgusting, extremely well informed, delightful and amusing all at once. Quite a feat and yet she does it with such aplomb week after sodding week.

And Kranki, I hope you're not saying that you're bored with entertaining me and my ability to read!? Nah, I understand that a few extra readers would be nice - I hope they all come flooding over to your blog site as well, because your ramblings are brilliant and I heartily recommend them to everyone (as if the opinion of "some guy" will hold any weight!). However, I fear that this will mean fewer mentions of my own name on your site, but I guess that's a price I'm willing to pay for your happiness.

I'm going to go now to dry my eyes - I've come over all emotional from this disgraceful and shameless buddy-buddy patting on the back thing.

I suck.

You may send any hate mail or marriage proposals to freakymissus@yahoo.com.au . No, I didn't pick the name of that address, my friend Dirty Derek did. No, it's not my real email address. It's just a freebie I set up in case someone wants to cyber kiss me. Yes, I will one day tell you my real email address but only after we've swapped a top 5 best records ever list. No, Ms Fits is not my name on radio. That would be a little bit tard. My radio show is on Tuesday nights from 10pm from 12am and it is a pornographic shambles.

That is all for now. Thank-you for your time.

I like the way you think...

As a sceppo-turned-Aussie I applaud your attempts to explain our politics to the yanks, but you could probably just say:

Australian Liberal = American Libertarian

and leave it at that. (Or at least you could if the average American was aware that they have more than two parties in their country, and therefore had any idea what a Libertarian was...)

Just to clarify...
They are refering to economic liberalism...
and it is spelt Labor because when the party was formed they were trying to make a point that they weren't like the Brittish with the u thing, and they seemed to consider it more progressive to be like the Americans who were skipping the u as well.
This is what I was taught as an Australian (just in case you thought I could be a pom or something) 1st year Political Science student.

Tegan...

P.S. Love the site, think it is brilliant.

I saw your show being filmed last night. After reading you Blog re: be on the look out for a camera crew etc I come home to find it happening outside my own street. The guys from a distance looked pretty young - can you tell me what was the average age of your core characters are. Love you Blog, Go Latho...

Paul

Bud dum chh

well, well, well, unless you want to call most of Australia stupid, and thus derail your whole "i'm for the people that's why I love the Labor party" claim and therefore be labelled as exactly what any person voting ALP/Greens/Demos are (read: hypocrites), then I'm guessing you were a tad upset that that revolting pathetic violent wife-bashing (ok, it's a rumour, but from the several bashings of taxi drivers/photographers/etc it's fair enough to assume it as truth) excuse for a human being "Latho" (as your comrades call him) got his ass kicked in the last election. BOO HOO HOO. THANK GOD. Australia is safe for another 3 years.

I stopped reading the postings after the fabulously brilliant poem (pfft) about Alexander Downer (there's only so much an intelligent person can take), but from the looks of things, you only post the comments that agree with you. As far as I read anyway.

And no, I don't hate you, I just intensely dislike hypocrites, especially those who think they're SO much darn smarter than everyone else, and ESPECIALLY those who think they're morally superior, where in fact, tis the opposite.

Uni was fun, I especially loved the way we were forced to join the Guild ($110 per year and that's apparently cheap!) to fund the Labor/Greens party propagader machine. Really democratic.

Also, can I just tell you what bandwagons you're on... I've become VERY adept at picking them from a minute amount of information.

You:
- hate the Liberals (obviously, but this is my starting point so bare with me)
- think we should be a republic (perhaps you said this, I stopped reading after a while as I can simply tune in to JJJ any time to hear the same socialist rantings)
- hate George Bush and America, but still watch American TV, eat American food, use American slang, buy American products, and somehow can justify this to yourself
- think we should say sorry to the Aboriginals
- love unions
- think we should "free the refugees" (naturally, putting forward no other ideas for a solution, that would require thinking)
- hate the war in Iraq (again, with no alternative solution, just that "war, bad" and that is the extent of your 'big picture')
- hate rich people (the only possible way they got rich while you're brilliant parents and yourself stayed poor/middle class is by enslaving poor working class people (like yourself). the fact that they work 3 times harder than your parents all their lives and put everything on the line to get to where they are today would never occur to you.)
- hate McDonald's, even though being the hypocrite that I know you are, you no doubt eat there every now and then.
- think we should legalise pot, and most definitely have shooting up rooms and the like so the junkies can have some more friends to play with
- think that the fact that most of our prison population is Aboriginal is due to the fact that we're all racist (except you of course)


They're the main bandwagons I know you're on. You'll probably deny them (well, some anyway) because you don't want to make it look like I'm right, but you know deep down I am.
How I can tell this, is because you people are all the same. You will never learn and no one can ever tell you anything. You know all. So. Not really sure why I bothered really :P