Pumping.
1. In bed.
Yawn. Hey, I just had a sex dream and woke up. May as well knock the top off one before rising to greet the day.
2. In the bath.
Those loofahs can be put in some interesting places, you know. And don't get me started on spa jets.
3. In front of one's partner.
They like it. It makes them feel closer to you. Especially when you squeeze your eyes shut tight and behave as though they're not in the room.
4. At a Kings of Leon gig.
But it has to be dark. And you must be coy and sweet as pie.
5. In heavy traffic.
Note: This works far better if your car is 'high up'. Unless of course you want a bus-load of horrified primary school children shrieking down at you with traumatised expressions.
Poorly thought-out places in which to masturbate:
1. Nanna's funeral.
And don't say 'it's what she would have wanted', you little grub.
2. In front of one's ex-partner.
They don't choose to see you like that anymore. Respect their wishes. And stop spoofing on their tits.
3. In church.
Unless the sermon is about all that hot Sodom and Gomorrah stuff. Or you're attending sex church.
4. At the dinner table.
'I certainly do love what you've done with the osso bucco, David. So much so that I may sprog neatly into the dessert.'
5. Presiding over a murder trial.
And don't use a penis pump, for fuck's. It's just not cricket.
743 days til the next election.
Comments
!!!
Sounds like he was just too lazy to take matters into his own hands.
now cum on, lets not judge the man.
...in case you thought yesterdays post was controversial, like.
Derek and Clive 'aving a wank:
http://www.phespirit.info/derekandclive/come_again_14.htm
and
http://www.phespirit.info/derekandclive/ad_nauseam_13.htm
CLIVE: Did you, did you see that, er, TV coverage of the, er, the Pope when he was lying in state? The-, the last Pope, you know, John Paul?
DEREK: Yeah.
CLIVE: Lying in state? On that-, on that catafalque?
DEREK: Yeah.
CLIVE: In those robes?
DEREK: Yeah, right.
CLIVE: Didn't half give me the horn, that. Him lying there. He looked so fucking vulnerable, didn't he? I mean, like, I c-, I couldn't prevent myself, you know, having a wank immediately 'cause he looked-, he looked vulnerable, he looked at-, at rest and, er, somebody had, er, gone to the trouble of plucking all that hair out of his nostrils. I didn't fancy him when he was alive 'cause he had all this fucking hair up his nostrils but when they'd, er, when the cosmetician had had a go at his body and that .....
Sounds like the judge was just as sacrilegeous, bashing the bishop in the courtroom like that.
Oh dear.
Must have misheard 'litigation'.
You have to love the journalist who wrote about it in the age:
'Witnesses claim they could hear the noise "coming" from beneath the robes...' (inverted commas added by me).
Masturbating during a murder trial. Well as the old joke goes
What's the definition of obscene?
Anything that gives a judge a hard-on.
I just can't believe it. What is wrong with the world? A fookin' poomp? What is wrong with the old fashioned way? Doesn't he realize that there's an energy crisis AND an obesity crisis? He could have saved the world twice!
buzz
If only he'd used his gavel for goodness and niceness...
R.I.P. Don Adams
Does this mean that "banging the gavel" is now an acceptable euphemism for "pumpin' the dumplin'"?
Since when is the expression 'pumpin the dumplin' ok anyways?!
"upholding his conviction"?
"taking his bar exam"?
I'm sure there's a million of 'em.
How relevant: http://www.theage.com.au/news/world/at-his-honours-pleasure/2005/09/26/1127586801674.html?oneclick=true
Oh dear. You mean pumpin the dumplin is not an acceptable expression? I guess that's the last time I'll be invited to that yum cha restaurant.
wait ...
there're times when it's NOT cool to wank?
uh-oh.
It's never 'not cool to wank'!
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