Ring ring.
It's been too long, hasn't it?
*Ring ring*
'Hello?'
'Guess who, Goony Bird?'
'Doublemint!'
'Can we do the thing?'
'Okay, you go first.'
'WASSSSUUUUUUUPPPPP'
'WASSSSUUUUUUUPPPPPP'
'WASSSSSUUUUUUPPPPPPP'
'WASSSSSSSUPPPPPPPPPPP'
'WASSSSSUUUPPPPPPPPP'
'WASSSSSSSUPPPPPPPPPPP'
'Man, that just never gets old.'
'Totes.'
'So anyhow. Thought I should buzz and give you the 411 on Project Moustache Bomb.'
'Sweet.'
'It's going pretty well, isn't it? Don't you think it's going well?'
'........'
'John?'
'..........'
'I said it's going well. With the pyjama machine-gun men. They crack me up.'
'..........'
'I think we've got a bad line.'
'.......'
'Anyhoo, I figured since people are so desperate to head over there and get splattered, we may as well let 'em. I mean, who am I to break up a party, huh?'
'Er...right.'
'A little wine, a little music. A little BANG BANG INFIDEL I SPRING FROM BEHIND CAR WITH SUICIDE BOMB AND EXPLODE YOU. Ahahahahahaa. You get me?'
'Yeah, I guess.'
'Jenna loves it when I do that shit.'
'I bet.'
'She's all 'Dad, do the brown guy! Do the brown guy!' Not much going on upstairs but she's a sweet kid, you know?'
'They're cute when they're at that age.'
'Yeah, no kidding. Anyways, I was wondering...about some more of your gunners.'
'........'
'I mean, I don't need 'em yet, but...you know, I want to be able to call you and be like, 'NOW, NOW' and you'll be all 'I GOT YOUR BACK, DAWG' and shit. We can be like Eminem in 8 Mile, but with different hair. Yeah?'
'Uh...sure.'
'These people are begging to die. Not a word of lie.'
'..........'
'John?'
'How about...call me when you know more.'
'Oh, for shizz. Hey, we're throwing a WE WON barbecue on the 18th if you're free. ZZ Top's going to play. Laura's going to do that eggplant thing. And you just know 'those' pants are coming out. Tell me you're there.'
'I'll....yeah, sure.'
'I'm counting on you, Junior Burger!'
'Yeah.'
'You're my best friend in the whole world, you know that? My best friend!'
'..........'
'Say it, John!'
'..........'
'Say it!'
'I'm your best friend in the whole world.'
'And you'll never leave me.'
'And I'll never leave you.'
'Atta boy. Aren't you glad we had this chat? I know I am.'
'.......'
*click*
303 days til the next election.
Comments
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. What a suckhole.
Makes me weep.
Long time listener, first time caller.
That was brilliant.
Is all.
Will resume lurking now.
Gold.
I think you have captured JWH building unease perfectly.
Pity the little fucker dug himself that particular hole in the first place.
As you were, you freaking genius.
That was very pretty and hilarious and too true.
Who can criticise Johnny? He just wants to be friends with the most popular kid in school. Don't we all?
Shame he don't realise everyone else hates that kid. To quote TISM: "There's never been a popular teenager yet who's done rats with their life. It's the cunts with the bad haircuts you've really gotta watch".
I'm worried about what's in the 'eggplant thing'. With so much death and chaos, surely it's time for something less risky - celery sticks and mogadon or something.
Will add my name to the loling crew.
Interesting subtext to the piece, casting Howard in the Tim from "The Office", dealing with a fool role. Building a character we can sympathise with? Or did my lit major Arts Degree (deferred) again prove itself worthless?
At long last... girl, you got your mojo back!
I'd like to add a funny pic of W but don't know how... I might email it to you.
In the meantime:
This following poem is composed entirely of actual quotes from George W. Bush.
"Make the Pie Higher"
I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen
And uncertainty
And potential mental losses.
Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?
They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish
Can coexist.
Families is where our nation finds hope
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!
Source: Richard Thompson, Washingon Post.
I just want to join the throng of congratulants. That's grandiferous. As is that poem JP. I feel better about living in australia again.
Shooting Party?
This way please. Your fish barrel is ready for you now.
(Still funny, but).
SoulGlo said:
I love it! Do more!
And BTW - it's actually something between 138 and 373 days til the next election!
It's sad I think that we can all perfectly imagine this conversation...
That poem is spectacular.
What do Bush's pants look like?
can't wait until Johnny calls the election, and Ms Fits has to '1, 2, skip a few' in her 'until the next election' count.
Really funny, suddenly lil' Johnny doesn't seem quite so comfortable as the 'Deputy'... does he?
BTW, Laura's thing with the eggplant... Do we really want to know??
Methinks you've been tapping someone's phone....
Pure gold.
And if you need to have your day made...
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=176176
Fantastic Fits, I'm not a lefty and still loved it. Very close to the truth maybe.....
Very choice.
I also like the way you put a framed photo of Tony Blair in the background of the Oval Office for a bit of extra subtext.
oh, wait...
You know who would love this? Jon Stewart on The Daily Show. I can just hear him doing the voices. There could be another writing gig there for you.
GG was so incisive today that it hurt. That piece was definitely about something, please be more frivolous in future, the academic in you scares me.
pmsl - I didn't realise how much I missed these little glimpses until I read today's.
lololololololol F. me dead, that was good !!!!.
Sorry, Ms Fits but that really was my reaction !.
And then I thought, what's really funny about this is that, Little Johnny is probably still trying to figure out how he got into this mess ...
Terribly funny. They should have a party line and get Blair in there.
Tony Blair will be upset he's not the favourite any more
Hehe Ms. Fits. Gold, gold I tell you.
However, my computer is now dressed in a lovely shade of coffee from the line "A little Wine, a little music..". NOT GOOD.
"Shooting fish in a barrel" - maybe? Hilarious? Definitely
piss funny.
pitch it to channel 7, i'd watch it.
wow he really said that?
Comments are closed.