Ring ring.
Yesterday afternoon I received a phonecall from a gentleman I have met - take note of this, please - but once.
It proceeded as follows:
Him: Hey, how's it going?
Me: Not so bad. And you?
Him: Can't complain.
Me: That's the spirit*.
Him: Hey, I was wondering...you know Aer, right?
Me: Sure, we're friends.
Him: She and Anna are making that film, The Band.
Me: Yeah, I was going to maybe help out with production stuff for a couple of days.
Him: Oh right, cool. I'm acting in it.
Me: Really?
Him: Yeah...I'm playing Jimmy, the dirty rock star...and...well, we're looking for someone to do a scene with me and we were thinking of sexually liberated women and your name was mentioned. So.
Beat.
Me: .....Are you asking me to be in a porno?
Beat.
Him: Essentially, yes.
Me: And have sex with you on camera?
Him: Yes.
Beat.
Me: I can't do that. Why would I want to do that?
Him: It's not, like, a big part.
Me: That's very modest of you, ROFLMAO**!
Him: (pressing on) You'd just be in the one scene. Have you read the script?
Me: Yes.
Beat.
Me: You want me to be the girl who gets fucked in the toilet?
Him: Oh, no. It's the one I'm having an affair with who I bang in the bedroom.
Me: I see.
Beat.
Me: Well, it's a lovely offer.
Him: Yeah, it's going to be a fun shoot.
Me: (trying to remember) Wait on. Are you the boy who gets done up the arse with a strap-on?
Him: No, that's another character.
Me: Oh.
Him: So will you do it?
Me: I don't think so, no.
Him: Oh well.
Me: But thank-you for asking.
Him: Anytime.
I really have come a long way since National Theatre Drama School Saturday morning classes.
*This is about the most Australian exchange ever. 'Can't complain'/'That's the way'. The only thing more Australian would be partaking in a game of two-up whilst conversing.
** This is clearly why I am regarded as one of the great wits of our time***.
*** Actually, I didn't really say it.
But it would have made for a highly amusing moment if I did.
492 days til the next election.
Comments
The most exciting thing I get asked is if I can help someone put up a shed.
I really need to move out of the suburbs.
Would you like to be in a porno, gav? I know a lovely role for someone who wants to be done up the arse by a strap-on.
Err, ummm.
Would love to, but gots me a shed to put up, fits.
I got asked to be a Zombie in a movie this friday. Not nearly as exciting as strap-on in ass action, but oh well.
Zombie porn!
Now there's an untapped market.
Tell him that you will do it if, and only if, he takes the part of the boy who gets done up the arse with a strap-on.
Some people have all the fun. Me, I just get asked to introduce Mary Delahunty at an Arts Victoria launch. Now zombies/strap on porn, that's a real request! I think I need to rethink my life...
You know you've made it when you've been asked to be the chick who gets fucked in the toilet.
I know he didn't ask you to do that part Ms Fits, so perhaps you've got a way to go? You're right to say no. Never settle for second best!
If it's Zombie Porn you are after then have a lookie at my myspace 'friends' effort. The lovely Joanna Angel in Re-Penetrator
http://www.repenetrator.com/
P.s as if it needs saying NSFW.
Oh Fitz – Zombie porn is everywhere these days. It's the new... i dunno. Whatever the old zombie porn was.
mhe, does this mean stingray's zombie movie from neighbours is... BEING MADE FOR REAL?
ps. fits. soup all finished now.
crying now.
hungry now.
so sad now.
Should it be 'whom I bang in the bedroom'? I can never remember the rule.
Was this exchange before of after you advised someone in the comments section of your last entry to say yes to everything, except being in a porno?
And at least you weren't to be the girl in the toilet.
And there is a very, very good reason I am away for the week, Ms. Fits.
Yeah, okay, I'm being paid as well, but y'know.
book book,
who/whom is a stylistic choice; they mean the same thing – the latter is still only in use due to its archaic quaintness. its currency is completely usage-as-style.
fits,
the closest i ever got to that sor of thing was a drunk exchange outside a kebab shop in perth.
him: so what do you do?
me: i write and play loud rock music. you?
him: i'm an erotic film-maker.
me: do you mean you are a film maker who happens to be open and expressive with his sexuality, or that you are a maker of erotic films?
him: the latter.
me: that sounds interesting. do uni students work in your films? maybe i should interview you...
him: that could be arranged. where are you at?
me: you know, you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition...
him: okay. where are you at, fuckwit?
me: better!
so much less glamorous...
r
Ms Fits,
You are a job snob. I have a good mind to report you to centrelink and your dole will be adjusted in an unfavourable way.
Just remember the "Golden Rule" of Porn Ms. Fits.....never work with children or animals!
I won't stand for any shed-bashing, gav. Unless, of course, it occurs when a teenager locks up the neighbourhood kids in a small shed like the one behind the shed in my profile photo. They needed to be punished.
And as for what I had the teenage pleasure to get up to in the shed featured in my profile photo, well, let's just say I'm glad it has a window.
i'm liking the Oz culture so much. more exciting than crocs and drop bears and all. what's drop bear?
Yes, I'm sure it's going to be a fun shoot for him. ha ha
Wonder who's next on his list of sexually liberated women?
what the fuck is two-up?
crazy aussies, screwing in the toilet.
as in bathroom, and not the actual pot, i'm assuming.
well, got to get back to my two-up. bye!
This week's installment of Friday questions should be a treasure-trove of Ozstrayliana - two-up, drop-bears...whatever next?
"The only thing more Australian would be partaking in a game of two-up whilst conversing."
Jebus, you crack me up. Funny, funny lady.
x
very funny.
why o why did i look at that zombie porn link
you're the one 'i bang in the bedroom' could be the start of something beautfiul.
The who/whom thing is NOT a stylistic choice. They do mean the same thing, but whom is used as the objective form, acting as the object of a verb, where who is teh subjective form, acting as the subject of a verb.
Thus we say "Who will play the part of the guy who gets done up the arse with a strap-on?" (as in this sentence who is the subject) but we say
"Whom did they pay to get done up the arse with a strap-on?" (as in this second sentence whom is the object)
Prepositions (to, by, from, etc) are ALWAYS followed by whom - by whom, never by who.
There are actual rules about this, and ignoring them is contributing to the sad decline of the English language which ends with apostrophes being used in capuccino's and young people who say like every second word (as featured on Grumpy Old Women on the ABC).
You sure it's not just that Berg character pretending to be this "man that you know"????
Comments are closed.