Reasons you will hate me

Room Service

My friend Angus found out today that I've been sent to Auckland for work. Then he emailed me this cool sentence you should say out loud to practice your Kiwi:

'Shut tum, someones hut the seaaartron and dunted ut"

which translates to:

'Shit Tim, someones hit the citroen and dinted it'


You should totally try it.


Here are some things I love about hotels:


1. Darkness!

There is nothing fucking sweeter than blinking awake in a hotel and not having the faintest idea what time it is. Why? Because hotels have these thick, lustrous curtains that manfully block out any seepy, insipid rays of watermilk sunlight. The quiet hum of the floors below and that chocolate darkness that swallows you up. I'm hot for it, you might say.


2. Minibar!

Isn't it exciting to see what the contents of a minibar are? Is it not the first thing you do once you're left alone in a hotel room after taking off your clothes and laying dibs on the best robe?
I love that minibars are getting all fancypants these days too; macadamia chocolate biscuits, pistachios, tim-tams, full adult-size bottles of wine . I love it when they get creative and surprise you with a Drumstick or cheese. I love paying twelve dollars for a quarter-size packet of Pringles. I love tiny refrigerators.


3. Drinking alone!

Okay so when you do it at home you've apparently 'got a problem' - whatever - but getting weaving toasted on dwarf-sized liquor bottles and staggering happily around on the soft, clean carpet is decadence itself. Perhaps you will make some late-night phonecalls to loved ones and cheerily slur platitudes down the line. You may watch hotel porn through one squinty eye. You'll certainly spend a few precious moments face down on the cool bathroom tiles. It will be heaven. And no-one need be around to witness your King-size hangover.


4. Health Club!

If you know me, you will testify in a court of law that I am a non-sporting person. I don't much care for the physical exertion that comes with a gym membership and leggings that hurt your vagina. But whack in a free Health Club downstairs and I'm all 'goodness, might just pop down and swim eighteen hundred laps before relaxing in the jacuzzi'. I can't get enough of it.

It's a gym . Downstairs . WHAT WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT?


5. Room service!

Oh, you know you're fizli for it.

How good does this one sound from my hotel:
'Piri Piri roasted lamb loin over a saute of mushroom and shallots with garlic potatoes and Murguez sausage, little boys pancetta and mint jus'.

What the hell is 'little boys pancetta'? How does it differ from the one the big boys eat? I don't know but you can bet greenbacks I'm finding out before I go back home to Melbourne.


6. Duelling tv's!

'Yawn. I'm through watching latest release blockbusters on my roomy couch. Might go to bed...WHERE THERE'S ANOTHER TV!'


Okay, so I realise this isn't that exciting, but I was never allowed to have a tv in my bedroom as a kid so I still kind of get hard at the prospect of watching Walker Texas Ranger as I fall asleep. Call me simple and old-fashioned. Just don't call me late for dinner LOLROTFLMAO.


7. Bath!

Open all the little bottles they give you and upend them in the water. They're all made of the same shit anyway. You end up in this hot, gooey, silky-sweet tub of butter that makes you smell like a thousand types of Christmas basket and then you get out and put your robe on and look four kinds of adorable. Oh god.


8. Hotel sex!

What is it about hotels that makes people do the nastiest sex shit? Is it the pastel quilts that make them think of bad California porn? Is it that they're away from home and the confines of domesticity? Is it the easy access to incredibly poor quality r-rated movies on the in-house entertainment system - discretion guaranteed?

Whatever it is, there should be more of it. Hotel sex, I salute you.



Now I will go and have a cool Bill Murray moment.

943 days til the next election.

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