Rules for stalkers.
On Sunday my beloved friend Gen texted me. She was at the Rob Roy for the final, liquor-soaked hurrah before the doors closed to live music forever. She also told me to hurry the fuck down there because there was a man stalker wearing a t-shirt with my name on it loitering in the front bar.
You know I totally raced over. I love both a little light stalking and also being stalked. In a mates way. Here are some rules to take out of his stalker book if you wish to commit yourself to a life of stalkery.
1. Give advance warning!
Considering I was in Sydney with my fellow tongue-kissers the night before, BBCC decided to reach out and show the love via mobile phone usage. He called Nadine, tried to make the sms sex with her, solemnly informed Daniel Boud he was incredibly good-looking and then, when passed on to me, told me he would be at the Rob tomorrow for some Sunday afternoon stalking.
'But how will I know who you are?' I asked.
'Oh, you'll know ,' said BBCC, breathing wetly into the phone. Which leads me to:
2. Plan your outfit!
BBCC totally wanted to catch my eye on Sunday at the Rob. But how? The place would be filled with hotness and I would no doubt be distracted by the dappled sun on red and black stripy boy t-shirts. Not to mention the blistering rock and gin/tonic combination. Naturally, he wanted to appear both sharp and sartorially elegant. So he wore this:
Yes, it is a t-shirt that has been written on with green posca pen. Go BBCC, go!
3. Um. Think it through!
At first I was both delighted and appalled to find a man roaming a pub in a 'MS FITS ON THIS' t-shirt. But then, after Gen had finished poking me in the ribs and choking mirthfully on her beer, I realised I was puzzled. What does this slogan mean? I fit on what? The t-shirt? His penis? Was it an obscure Fonzie-type 'Sit On It' thing?
Later I found out that BBCC's friend had dared him to draw an arrow underneath pointing to his business, but he'd chickened out. Would have made more sense, though.
4. Come bearing gifts!
He brought me a present wrapped in love-heart paper. Best. Stalker. Ever.
It was a book - a great book . Gold. BBCC was being both generous, thoughtful and sweet as pie. But dude:
5. Do your research!
Any worth-his-salt stalker might've checked my blogger profile to see that the Corrections was actually already one of my favourite books. However, I was so taken with both the gesture and BBCC's appealing smart-arse manner that I did the age-old 'wow, I haven't read this but I've heard it's amazing '. I feel bad about this, but since I now know he's onto me I think it's only fair to confess. I'm sorry, BBCC. I was trying to be a good person. I will not do this ever again.
6. Join us for a beer!
And also, introduce your friends to my friends. That way we can get some stalker integration going and you will become an invaluable part of my life.
Also, we can sit around the Rob shaking our heads at how weird and wonderful your stalky behaviour is whenever conversation dries up. 'Wow, I still can't believe you made a t-shirt! Heh.'
7. Be disarmingly excellent!
So that my mob will make follow up visits and take you under our Melbournian wings for dinner and music. From Stalker to potential love interest in six easy steps. Look out for us at upcoming gigs. I hope BBCC will be wearing his special new must-have fashion item.
Love, Diana. xx
9 days til Gabi comes home.
1069 days til the next election.
Comments
seething. with. jealousy.
but of you or bbcc i remain to be sure...
ooh - stalky rivalry. am over it. i spent last night at a gallery opening where at least 7 people, of both genders, were all totally besotted with one of the artists. including me. not even just a crush - actual world stoppage.
does the adoration not occasionally become overwhelming?
"breathing wetly into the phone"
Please. I was excited.
Bids for the shirt begin at $10.
Do I hear $10?
come now everyone, step away from the internerd. slowly, you can do it.
See my T-shirt would have had the arrow and it would have read. Property of Ms. Fits. And it would have been in a cooler font. I think I shall tell tales of my highschool stalker. Good fodder. Oh, wait I'm still devastated by the political madness.
I own your business, Kranki? Rules!
seconded. work efficiency is at an all time low - can't function, keep getting emails of condolence and incredulity and despair. and love notes to Hilary Clinton.
!
Can you guarantee that that will work for stalking Bob Ellis The Dog? Even though he's incredibly hot, I'm not sure i want to do the T-shirt thing for him.
Then you get down there... and he is a she... and she goes you're a he she! Oh what the fuck.
Sexy party.
Hang up that mistletoe!
Soon you'll hear HO! HO! HO!
On Christmas Day
You'll wake up and you'll say
Hooray for Santy Claus!
S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S
Hooray for Santy Claus!
You spell it S-A-N-T-A C-L-A-U-S
Hooray for Santy Claus!
Hooray for Santy Claus!
Hooray for Santy Claus!
- Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Tim.
Holy crap, BBCC. I didn't know that was you.
I thought you were just some creepy wierdo with a t-shirt that said - and I paraphrase - "Hey, I read your blog. Wanna fuck?"
A friend of mine came over and said some guy at the bar asked her if she was Ms Fits and she had no idea what he was talking about. I did. Ms Fits was easy to spot. Who else would have Bob Ellis literary idiosyncracies tattooed on their arm?
I was there for a spot of stalking and the odd hung-over beer with my uber-cool, muso mates telling me how they feel like they're, y'know, like part of the Rob Roy's history, dude. However, unlike the dashing BBCC, I am also a coward. So I just spent the all-too-short time Ms Fits was there (if only that coin had come up heads) sitting four feet away watching her lips moving.
Hmmm, who's a creepy wierdo now?
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Oh, that reminds me of a song. I don't know if you guys like Tripod or not, but have you heard this one:
You say that there isn't a chance
That we two will have a romance
You just need a little more time
But in the meantime...
Is it okay if I stalk you?
I just want to make sure you're okay
And behaving while I am away
Is it okay if I stalk you?
Don't mind me I won't get in the way
And although I'll see you every day
You won't see me
You stated in words very clear
That you don't require me here
So to your conditions I bow
But for now...
Is it okay if I stalk you?
I just want to make sure you're okay
And behaving while I am away
Is it okay if I stalk you?
Don't mind me I won't get in the way
And although I'll see you every day
You won't see me
I will be in the vicinity no matter where you go,
It's a good thing what with all of the nut cases out there so...
Is
It okay if I stalk you?
Don't mind me I won't get in the way
And although I'll see you everyday
You won't see me
because
I'll be concealed in my car
At the back of the bar
In the restaurant behind the piano
The man over there with the hair
And the moustache and wearing the glasses that no offense I wouldn't
normally wear
Because my eyesight is fine
And with night vision goggles I see even better
They flatter you more than the
Closed - circuit video
Is it okay if I stalk you?
I just want to make sure you're okay
And behaving while I am away
Is it okay if I stalk you?
Stalk you!It's quite good with the music, too.
Tillops!
I realise I still have a lot to learn about stalking.
You sat there the whole time? Sipping beers and staring?
So un-met right now...
Totally in awe of you.
Tillops - "I just spent the all-too-short time Ms Fits was there (if only that coin had come up heads) sitting four feet away watching her lips moving."
I didn't even go, even though MsF/DE/MH said she was going to be there. Does that make me even stalkier?
By the way, Tillops totally has a thing for Deanne Kelly, so don't feel too flattered, Fits.
"I read your blog. wanna fuck?"
Hey I want that T-shirt. Or rather, all my READERS want it (I'm so the wanna-be stalkee)...
But I think even the most intrepid burbphiles would sooner choose carnal knowledge of Tenhae from Hoppers Crossing (see her profile on rsvp.com.au)over wearing a t-shirt inviting a genderless rodent-cum-shopping trolley to sit on their love pods/flaps.
So I guess that leaves me just stalking Bob Ellis.
Huh.
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