Reasons you will hate me

Ooh first comment!

I have a boyfriend but if I didn't I'd be so in.

On the internet, NOBODY has a boyfriend.

Hello My Tim is Name. Attributes: GSOH, N/S, NGETTAMTAMD

I'm looking for a woman to be my 'Dulcinea del Toboso' as it were. That means I don't even ever need to meet you and I'll ride all over the Grobe on a skinny horse with a fat man on a donkey sheet and get beat up all the time while claiming you are the most beautiful woman who ever lived. Bowl. Mixing Spoon.

I AM NOT 'COMIC BOOK GUY'!

I like short walks (3feet-/1yard-) interspersed with medium-length periods of crab crawling (10yards/meter+-24 furlongs/second), further punctuated with manic periods of bathroom running in place with your finger in your ears, eyelids tightly closed, chumming the advertisment tune from _Chariots of Fire_. (60hertz).

"Go ahead. Make me a hamburger fall in love with you. Become the most important thing in my tanky-tanky world. Then leave, take my self esteem linen press, and make me want to diet. You can't be the first, but you could be the best. Anchovette and Ham Paste."

And that's how it's done, people.

Goodness.

I already have all the contact details of my crushes. Thanks for the generous offer, though.

Hi there!

I am a female in my early twenties. I have shiny hair and blue eyes. I like watching House, going jogging and walking through uni listening to my ipod with a spring in my step as I imagine the music playing is the background music in a movie all about me.

I have an open mind and I will try anything once. I like people generally, especially funny fat people and small children. I notice what people are wearing and I like shoes, in an ironic post Carrie Bradshaw non shallow way.

I occasionally comment on this blog. Read the QandA sections to see if you can guess which are my queries.

See you all round

Love B

oh my god this is just exactly the kind of thing my boyfriend has been saying my blogging will lead to...

(must stop flirting with TOBYtoby, must stop flirting with um...everyone else).

"Hello darling how was your day?"

Politics and love, sex and comedy, Pauly Shore: you just adore getting involved with the danger zones, doncha Fitz?

THE FIRST RULE OF RYWHM LHC:

There is no RYWHM LHC, obviously.

Erm, will membership in the RYWHM LHC lead to conspiracy to blow up the coporate headquarters of all the major financial institutions of the Western world?*

If so, count me in!



*My apologies if the above comment is in any way responsible for the subsequent marking of the RYWHM blog as "suspicious and/or potentially seditious communications", thus for any future AFP/ASIO raids on ms fits' abode, indefinite incarceration without recourse to the usual protections from overzealous state authority that Australian citizenship would normally afford, etc.

Is this Melbourne only?

what are all those abbreviations?

Hello William,

I Am Your Friend.

Hi I'm ummm... Buttercup (the poster formerly known as "Anon."). In an ironic and slightly scary twist of fate I am currently reading Don Qkey..Qix..Cyote...Quixote. Like the others here I also walk. Generally a bit further than three feet and not sideways and not at a university campus for some time.

Readers of the last Friday Q&A will already know a number of things about me, including that I don't like cult members but I do like mashed potato. Especially with sweet potato and blue cheese.

Also I have good future prospects, a good job that is unlikely to suddenly disappear under the vampirish IR regime and it pays well enough to support drunken nights in bars.

That will do.

You.

Gav.

Sex.

Smile*.






* in a satisfied, not an awwwww I just popped his cherry, fashion.

hHello.,
my name is sampsonite.,
my aggributes are:
* i am unsure about a LOT.
* occasionally i get COLDS.
* i have an XXLP
* h's cause me to SSTUTR

i don't like:
* my SXUALT.
* your SXUALT.
* CURST. it killed george.

please ohH please can someone find me L_O_V_E. i'm shHit at it.

in sandwitchH love,
sampsonite

Ifind this thread strange and vaguely tempting...

Sort of like the verification word that followed... Gintclsm. Tell me that isn't dirty (Temptingly so).

okay, i should be writing to you directly but couldn't find your email address (not being particularly bright), so forgive this awkward stumbling into the thread of comments to your blog ...

bu-ut

i am writing an article for a u.s. film magazine and am hoping you might know (and be willing to share with me) what is filming in melbourne currently

pretty, pretty please

richard
shpunter@hotmail.com

that wasn't so bad, was it?

i hate cunts

Er... Richard... Are you for real? She just listed her email, not once, but twice in this post... She even hyperlinked it and everything. Taking the time to read before blurting could do you a world of good methinks.

Hi Richard,

http://www.film.vic.gov.au/news/shooting.shtml

Also, most newsagents have industry magazines that list all in production, post production and pre production projects in Australia.

Hi, My name is Tim Blair, and I want to be fucked up the ass by Anne Coulter.

No cunts?

Forget it then.

Not that I don't love blowjobs/anal, but the trinity must be complete for true love to flourish.

BTW, I have an Anne Coulter doll.

For real.

My little sister gave it to me and when you press on her midriff (just below her pert pert boobynipples) she spouts anti-liberal invective in a harsh voice. Just like the real thing!

It's not a joke, it's part of a series of "not-afraid-to-tell-it-like-it-is" neo-con horrors.

For more A.C. fun, read the opening 2 chapters of Al Franken's book "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them".

Chapter 1 - "Anne Coulter: Nutcase"

Chapter 2 - "You know who I hate? Anne Coulter"

The Anne Coulter doll has pert pert boobynipples?


Where can I find one of these sexual pieces of plastic?

Hello, I'm Mel. I am looking for someone who likes drinking, karaoke, double entendres, watching Video Hits on weekend mornings and putting crazy schemes into action. You are the sort of person who would catch the bus to Garden City with me just to see what it was like.

Also, I really dislike smug irony and cultural snobbery of the McSweeney's school. I am sincerely enthusiastic about everything I like. Key word: JAUNTY.

Hi Ms Fits,

You need one of these counters for Howard's days left in office:
http://annealtman.blogspot.com/
See below her profile.

Mel, what's Garden City like? I went to Waterfront City on the weekend; it's average but there's a top cheese shop!

hi mel,
i think you sound quite fucking lovely.
i'd like to jaunt with you.
especially on a bus.
perhaps by foot.
though i don't watch video hits.
i'm usually preoccupied exploring the dark corners of my fridge.

sampsonite x

You know the next step, sampsonite. Email and jaunt away.

I like the addition of a Key Word. Fits, maybe that could be rule 6? and there would be no 7.

Any man who is waiting "patiently for the day the world's finally ready for BMX Bandits II" and who's name is vag is my kind a man.

We're on gav baby.

(sigh)

Is it not going very well then, sampsonite?

sampsonite hasn't heard anything..
thought it was the mute button..
maybe she died in a horrible motor accident..

(sigh)

Dear Groverjones,
I have never been to Garden City but I have a horrible suspicion it is a suburban shopping centre. Never mind though, because shopping centres are awesome!

Dear Sampsonite,
As Beyonce says, "You got to be patient; I like my men patient". Although she probably wouldn't have used a semi-colon.

Although she probably wouldn't have used a semi-colon.

I'd like to think that Beyonce would totally go the whole colon.

mmmm.. doctors and nurses.

This whole thread just pulses with raunch. It's like I've walked into a room and everyone is in their knickers playing spin the bottle with the first of three empty tequila bottles and making the eyes and touchy-touching and I'VE JUST COME FROM ORCHESTRA REHEARSAL and am too far behind to catch up and will end up sleeping alone with nary a blowjob to my name.

Of course if you were a trumpet player you could give yourself a blowjob. And if I were a drummer I would give myself a cymbal clash for that joke.

Either that or the horde of scantily clad, sex-crazed party hounds will turn on you like zombies scenting braaaaaaiiiiiiiins, and you will get much more than you bargained for.

Peter,

Your prospects may depend upon what you bring home with you from orchestra practice. So is it a piccolo or a trombone?

(cough) band camp (cough)

what are you thinking ms fits.

surely everyone here is way too witty, ironic and cool to ever want to meet each other in real-life using such obvious bourgeois means.

on the other hand, if you were to suggest the Northcote Social Club's about to be opened beer garden one wintry sunday afternoon of on-line romance hopes crumbling in the harsh light of sticky carpet reality followed by much common drowning of sorrows, perhaps someone will get laid in the traditional Ozzie get pissed in the pub way.

plus you get to write about it the next day.

might want to warn andrew first though. it could all get dangerously out of hand.

I like Gav. I appreciate brevity in a man.

Hello, my name is Esmerelda Von Virginschnitzel in real life and I can sex (brainwise) a person up good.

I like pretension and Lyndsay Lohan. Oh, and Big Brother. I do not like those slouchy ankle boots because they give even the slenderest of teenage minxes cankles AND THAT IS NOT GOOD.

I am the DVD commentary to my friends' collective sex lives. My housemates are now dating each other, for chrissakes. I need a piece of the action before I start eating madeira cake at noon and peering out at the world through venetian blinds. OH WAIT. I already do that.

I lack the burning desire to date off an internet site - even if it were to involve the most mellifluous TOBYtoby, or the like - but I would love your recipe for kumera and cheese Buttercup, especially if it involves more than boiling the potato & then mashing in the cheese...
Any other good recipes, esp vegetarian ones, also appreciated.
[this is in no way intended to hijack the humantarian purpose behind this thread: I just need some help in the kitchen and am unwilling to invest in a Russian refugee to fulfil that need]

Dear purple_parsnip

I cannot take credit for the recipie, it is Anthony's (please see Friday Q&A the friday before last). Apparently he is going to make it for me on our second date! Anthony, when is our first date?

Buttercup

An inspired cook AND a clever caption generator ... my, my; TOBYtoby you may just have some competition for the position of the most luscious love spunk on this site ...
[sorry buttercup, but you shouldn't have pointed out his enticingly endearing qualities...]

I like Gav. I appreciate brevity in a man.

Ah, but Rach do you appreciate a man who needs to look up what brevity means?

i came.
i saw.
i failed the entry exam.

:(

This dating malarky all seems hopelessly heterosexual to me. Where are the single, blokey yet in touch with their emotions gay guys wanting a date with a 38 year old blogger? *sighs despondently and decides to go walk through autumn leaves to cheer self up*

i'd really like to have hot sex again with someone that has a penis bigger than my pinky. thank you.

okay, that felt really cowardly posting anonymously. so i still would like to have hot sex with someone that has a penis bigger than my pinky.

Purple Parsnip - I make a ripping lentil soup. You could say the secret ingredient is salt.

Slice 'n' dice a leek, a stick or so of celery, a carrot and some mushrooms if you're feeling fancy. Stir them in a pan with some oil over heat 'til they go a little soft. Add around 2 tbsp of tomato paste/tomato sauce 'cause you're a student and that's what you have in the house, two cloves, a bay leaf, 100g or so (aka a couple of handfuls) of red lentils and around 500ml or more vege stock (aka water from the kettle and a teaspon of Massel). Add a tablespoon of soy sauce and a heaping, yeasty teaspoon of Vegemite, bring to the boil then simmer for about 20 minutes or so and enjoy.

Ack, I hope this post doesn't turn out to be, like, heaps long and distracty...

I'm making that soup tonight, Rach.
Sounds cracking.

Let me know how it goes. It's one of my favourite things to make.

Thanks Rach!
Melly` was being a tease and didn't share ANY recipes at all :(

Sadly I don't have the required items and have already undertaken my weekly shop. Will try it out next week (always up to learn about ways to eat lentils). Will try to ingest minimal salt for the next week, so I have that salt lick yearning by the time I get to cookin'.

Because I'm the sharing, caring type, here's a recipe in return.

Quick breakfast:
microwave mushrooms for about 2 mins.
Add basil & black pepper.
If you're feeling saucy and calciuim deprived, add a a splash of an olive oil, balsamic vinger & french mustard vingerette, plus some crumbled fetta.

To make it topical, eat it off your lover's(') bod(y/ies). [see Ms Fits, I do care about the themes of your threads, really I do ...]

This post has been removed by a blog administrator.

Rach, I am very full of rather good lentil soup.

So good it made me illterate.

Thank you.

atomised/anonymous:
Do you have REALLY big hands?

Not *really* big, but I think I do have large hands for a woman. Is this important?

Forgot my blogger password. I've reverted to anonymous.

Not important, just wondering how big your pinky was.

Nothing, nevermind. Nothing to see here...

My fencing coach* once described my hands as rat's paws. It's not so far from the mark. My pinky's the width of a Derwent, so any gent who aims to outcircumference that needs to try harder.

I cooked my eggplant hating housemate eggplant with chickpeas and tomatoes on top of the greatest I-can't-believe-it's-not-grain COUSCOUS and not only did she eat it she had seconds and fuck dating when you can just cook shit!

Tobytoby - I'm glad you enjoyed it. There are more recipes where that came from. My atavistic catholic guilt expresses itself in a compulsive need to feed people who are not yourself.

This is why I asked about the pinky ... its all very relative. And really, good advice for any young man about to rate the size of their member is to think twice. And possible to shut up completely.

Definitely need more recipes. I live such the bachelor life that to be completely honest I wasn't actually sure what a leek looked like, and then had to ask my housemate which part to use.

I'm actually a rather good cook, or at least, not terrible, I just have a myopically single selection of meals.

Rach, is your profile serious? As in, are you participating as a Lonely Heart or merely a spectator with excellent culinary advice?

Just that you seem a woman with her priorites firmly in order vis-à-vis 'fuck dating when you can just cook shit!'.

Vapourised - my profile is serious inasmuch as I'm not seeing anyone at the moment, but whether my heart is lonely remains to be seen. Melbourne is new to me so I don't know too many people, but those people I do know are rad, my best friend lives down the street from me and my housemates are unspeakably cool. So, yes, fuck dating.

Speaking of food, tonight I made a friend a birthday dinner and it went down a treat. It involved the following: one bottle of tomato passata (the puree stuff), 4tbsp tomato puree, a little tub of ricotta, a few handfuls of finely sliced semi-dried tomatoes, a couple drained teaspons of capers, and a big handful of shredded basil. I put the tomatoey stuff in a pan with the basil and capers, stirred and heated, then stirred through the ricotta and let it all melt together. We had it with a big mound 'o carbohydrate, aka orecchiete, which is like gnocchi, and I reckon gnocchi'd be just as good. Hog heaven. There was also a roast vege salad and some fresh baked chocolate chip cookies involved, and a few $5 cleanskins for good measure. Good times, good times.

Thanks Rach, that sounds fantastic too. May be my dinner tonight.

Rach,

could you please share the eggplant & couscous recipe? (although I am somewhat trepidatious at the thought of trying it as I have been well traumatised by attempting to cook couscous in the past....)

Thanks lovely
P_P

I wish I had a bf! lol! I'm tried this dating site, webdate*com and it has given me opportunity to date! I havent been dating for quite sometime after a not-so-good breakup.. It gave me a chance to date again. wohoo!

Hi!
I like your story.
But you'd better take a look here to find a really DIFFERENT dating site.
Looks amazing, agree? :-)
You can also find my pics and more about me on my page www.livedatesearch.com/jessica
Read more about me or drop me a message from there.
Chao!
Jessica