Savage Beating.
There was a wonderful article about ex- Savage Garden songstress Darren Hayes in the Sunday bible of all that is good and middle-class, Sunday Life magazine. I am starting to love Darren Hayes purely for how fucking repulsive he is. What a horrid, bland, tiny little man. Not that there's necessarily anything wrong with being tiny - just ask wee little fellow Prince - but D.Hayes takes mindless short-man mediocrity to admirable new levels. Here are some things from the article that made me vomit blood - yet, post-purge, chuckle quietly to myself through the bloody chunks:
1. Darren Hayes has never touched drugs! He's addicted to carbohydrates !!
Hahaha! How delightful! He's indulging in wicked carb-eating! I could just GOBBLE HIM UP!!
2. When Savage Garden split, Darren Hayes felt like the 'Yoko Ono of the Australian Beatles!
How adorable! He's comparing Savage Garden to the Beatles ! What a lark! (He also had 'tears in his eyes' when discussing the band's end, as he 'would have been in Savage Garden for the rest of my life') DON'T YOU JUST WANT TO TONGUE-KISS HIM FOR HIS VAPID SINCERITY?!!
3. After the failure of his first solo record 'Spin', he went to Kylie Minogue for advice!
'She said to me, 'You just have to keep your chin up. You have to go where the sun's shining!''
I'd say he's done just that, wouldn't you? Isn't it beyond sweet that he's pally with our tiny poppet pricess, Kylie?? WAY TO GO WHERE THE SUN'S SHINING, DARREN!
4. He's apparently funny as all hell, pausing the interview to mimic Brazilian dancers and do a 'half-decent George W. Bush impersonation' !
WOULDN'T YOU JUST DIE LAUGHING???* BRAZILIAN DANCERS? HAHAHA, WHAT NEXT???
5. He is coy about his sexuality!
Even though it's mind-numbingly obvious that anyone who says 'I think there is a certain mystery and mystique and a performer should be somewhat of a blank canvas. I'm happy for anyone to project whatever they like onto that canvas' and is as DOWN-HOME CAMP as D. HAYES must be a FLAG-WAVING QUEEAH! COME OUT, COME OUT YOU CHEEKY MONKEY FUCKER!!
6. This is my favourite. He met Bono backstage during a Sydney performance for U2's PopMart tour!
Bono said: 'How are you coping?' and Darren replied, 'I'm good, I feel really grateful, I feel really blessed. But sometimes I'm on stage and all I hear is the girls screaming and I just want them to listen to my voice.'
What did that googly-eyed ego fuckwad say in response? Why, he grabbed Darren's hand and put it on his heart and said, 'If the music comes from here, then it'll scream louder than all the voices.'
GO, BONO, GO! WAY TO MOVE DARREN! I JUST WANT TO FUCKING WEEP!! WAY TO GO WITH YOUR B-GRADE ROXETTE SONGS! ALL THE WAY FOR YOU!!
* This is almost as hands-down piss-funny as Ian Thorpe apparently thrilling friends and family alike with his Austin Powers impersonation. This fact is constantly wheeled out in interviews to demonstrate how fucking wonderfully witty Thorpe is. Can't you just feel your sides split as you think about him saying 'Groovy Baby!' and 'Oh, Behave!'? THORPIE, YOU'RE NOT ONLY A CHAMPION SWIMMER BUT ALSO ONE OF THE COMIC GENIUSES OF OUR TIME! I SAY YOU BEHAVE BEFORE WE ALL DIE LAUGHING!!! HAHAHA!
Comments
My brush with Darren Hayes was at an APRA after party. He said he liked my outfit. This was probably because I'd worn pants and not muff showing pants. Compared to all of the beautiful skimpy outfits all of the hot girls had on from the head down I could've been mistaken for a man. God this makes me sound unattractive, I'm not that bad I just didn't look anywhere near as good as every other woman who was showing much more flesh than me.
Not meaning to offend, Anonymous, but going from your own choice of words, this seems to validate Ms Fits' 5th point. Perhaps you were the most male-looking girl there* and THAT'S what excited him?
* This is the part where I didn't mean to offend, however I see now that I really can't make comments like that to a woman and expect her to agree with me and not want to hurt me. My most humble and sincere apologies, Anonymous. I will go cut my own balls off and roast them in a saucepan for you right now. I realise you'd like to do this to me yourself, but as you can't be here, I'll take care of it.
-- After the failure of his first solo record 'Spin', he went to Kylie Minogue for advice! 'She said to me, 'You just have to keep your chin up. You have to go where the sun's shining!'' --
I think all that struggling to sing falsetto over the sound of screaming girls has damaged his hearing. Maybe she said, "Go stick your chin where the sun don't shine."
Before I get to roastin' my chestnuts on an open griller, I just wanted to mention how much I liked the reference to Darren's "half-decent George W Bush impersonation" - it wasn't even fully-decent! What does it mean that he can perform a half-decent impersonation of one of the easiest people to impersonate??
I mean, I can do what I like to think is a very-decent impersonation of George Dubya Bush, but you don't see me taking interviews with Sunday Life magazine and dropping names left, right and centre!
I actually saw this article myself when I was having brunch on Sunday with Bernie Quinlan, Bob Ellis, Jim Schembri, Ice T, Dan from the White House Defence Department, Mark 'Jacko' Jackson, Emma-Kate Croghan, and Gabi from The Town Bikes. I passed it to Ice, who rang his mate Axl, and they laughed and laughed about it for ages. What a pretentious git, said Ice. And he should know.
Then I had to go, because Peter Costello rang my mobile, needing my help to get him out of "a little jam" he'd gotten himself into, as he put it.
But back to the point: If only Darren Hayes had been able to do a half-decent impersonation of a talented singer, his solo album may have sold more than 14 copies and he might still be someone worth featuring an article on today.
(Hopefully Savage Garden have never been your Celebrity Rooters, Ms Fits!)
Wow. I never thought I'd actually disagree with anything you would write, but with this post, I find myself doing just that! I missed the article in the Sunday Life magazine, and in fact was never really a fan of Darren/Savage Garden's until his first solo album release. In all honesty, I dind't think much of the album. I found only a couple of songs to stand out. Then one day I met Mr. Hayes at an album signing. I attended for my best friend who lives in Sweden, who is a huge fan. To say I was outnumbered by girls is an understatement! But upon my turn to meet him, Darren presented a huge smile, shook my hand and was the utmost gentleman. No attitude, no diva-like presence. He even went against the witch standing behind him and signed both the album and single for me (The witch persisted that only one item be signed) Ok, sure he may have signed the album for the best friend with an 'X', and mine with 'Love'(i'm an out and proud 'Queeah' guy), but Darren's attitude is one that is refreshing and opposite to those like JLo and others of the like.
Oh Coppertone, I do hate to offend your musical sensibilities. But just as Anonymous and I agree to disagree over my liberal use of the 'c' word, so too shall you and I be resigned to gentle bickering over the musical 'genius' of D. Hayes.
I still maintain Savage Garden sound like Roxette. And that, to me, cancels out how nice anyone is in signing autograph-land.
Please don't let me ruin your listening pleasure, though. Remember - I went to a Justin Timberlake concert.
No offence taken Bevis from anon, your point was my point precisely. I did find it a bit odd but annoyingly he was quite charming and lovely too. So don't go roasting just yet. I really didn't make myself clear though, from the neck up I look like a super model. Honestly.
oh Ms. Fits, I'm glad we can agree to disagree! Though from your response it seems your'e not a fan of Roxette either? Hmm, our musical tastes do differ quite a bit!
though i have to agree that darren hayes should be spanked to death with a wet plimsoll, possibly by morrisey, i would have to say miss fits - lay off bono (or bon-bon, as he is affectionately known), lumped so unceremoniously as he was into the same sentence as dazza. this must have really worked. amen.
Still laughing. Which is not a good thing at work, as it will be obvious I'm not actually doing work. So will stop reading this blog now.
I am totally pissed off!!You bitches!!I hate you talking like that about Darren.He's the most fascinating and talented man I've ever got to know!!
You are just tiny jealous and pitiful creatures.Shame on you,fuckers!! Hahahaha
I agree with Anonymous, Darren Hayes is a great singer and song writer. However you are entitled to your own opinions. He is a very sweet man, who cares a lot about those less fortunate. So, atleast give him credit for that.
It must be lovely to have SO LITTLE time on your hands that you have to have a go at normal people. Out of all popstars Darren Hayes has to be one of the most genuine, and as his recent admissions show, one of the most forthcoming.
If you don't like him, why the hell did you bother reading the article? Huh? Why waste time going into everything he said?
I love Darren hayes, and the however many millions who have bought his album are probably a lot more clued up than you are.
Sam
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