Reasons you will hate me

You're a sexy bitch!

Text messages I can forgive for being less than correct, but only just mind you. I can understand the need for brevity and opposable thumbs are tricky things to operate at the best of times so I can forgive the occasional ‘amd’ or ‘ur’.

What really irks me though is that same garbage showing up in an email. Nothing shits me off more than getting one and spending 20 minutes trying to figure out what the hell the other person is trying to say - let alone trying to understand their meaning.

If get one more ‘lol’ at the end of a sentence I’ll slap someone!

Oh silly billy! AMD is a type of computer and its been "hit". Tsk tsk missed the point completely.

BTW our bunny died yesterday ;(

In just 3 short hours it swelled to 3 times normal size leading to speculation that it died of major suppressed flatulance.

So beware young Fits, "niceties" such as spelling and not farting loudly because you look so cute can be fatal.

x

I am most appreciative of your penchant for good spelling. It is indeed sexy!

This is nothing more annoying than poor spelling in a time of crisis. Worse than being stabed!

Or in the comments section of blog posts AAC.

A friend and I have taken to typing/saying things in terrible abbreviations. Instead of saying sober, I say "sobe". Instead of typing seriously, I type "srsly". ltrly & obv are also favourites. I'm ashamed, but mostly because I'm hopelessly in love with abbreviations. Spelling though, should never be compromised.

Love your shit.

I don't have a mobile phone so I'm wondering what I would do in this situation. This is where a nice dip pen and good quality stationery come into their own

Dear Mother

How are you? I am as well as can be expected following a rather nasty incident at school today...

Shame on the media for making some terrified youth who probably had trembling fingers appear to be a dumbarse.

Well there is nothing that gets my goat more than girlfriends of mine not spelling properly.....it gives me a floppy disk! The only place and time for lol, brb and stfu is on the wonderfull world of interweb....

But hey i'm kind of iffy about your spelling of nobjockey!

Oh thank smh for bringing me to you, i hate "hairy legged lesbians" too but i don't think you are one. Spending my days as an undergrad under "The bloody feminists" scarred me forever.

Lucky they survived... can you imagine the ignominious horror of your last words being "amd then i got stabed"?

Fits, we’ve been here before. This sort of nonsense is ‘unbecoming’. It’s just too, too easy to have a dig at someone about spelling, grammar etc. When you use ‘cohort’ instead of colleague, do I rant and rave about what a dingbat you are? No, I simply point out the incorrect usage. What’s more, if I remember correctly, you spelt it ‘co-hort’. With a hyphen. Do I say ‘Christ, what a dumb bitch!’? No – just point out the error. Similarly, your use of ‘amount’ to refer to friends in one case, and buskers in another is just ridiculous. It should, of course, be ‘number’. And what about ‘hirsute’; you’ve got it right now, but how long was it before you realised it was not ‘hirsuite’? Now you’re the one who is a writer; don’t you think it’s more incumbent upon you to get these things right than some poor high school student, who, as you quite rightly point out, was probably scared shitless? Difficult, I know, to find something to blog about everyday, but this is the dregs, Fits.

Couldn't agree more re needless misspelling.

Just the other morning/wee hours in a random southern capital I was suitably maggoted yet managed to bash-out a few paragraphs of unparallelled winsome longing to an overseas delight... all without resort to poor spelling and half-arsed abbreviations.

That I managed it whilst seemingly unable to undress or move two metres from floor to bed makes it all the more remarkable.

But really, machetes? Makes me giggle when I think about my high school banning 'snap bands' circa 1991...

It would have to be the receiver of this message that is the dirty rat fink, as it would be the receiver that decided to alert SMH as to the text they received.
I hate "'i' before 'e', except after 'c'"

Everybody here, including Ms. Fits, is a pretentious twat. Now please excuse me while I roll around on the floor laughing my tits off at all your witty and intelligent comments.

MS FTZ U ROK LOL :-D

Or something.

POS are you as boring in bed as you sound?

Good morning Ms Fits, I have been a long time listener to your breakfast show and reader of your green guide column and have had massive troubles finding any reasons to hate you here or in any other of your contributions to the Australian cultural melange, suffice to say, Love your work... Now thats enough of the sycophancy, time to get on with it... I found your blog through the article in the age about you today and i thought i'd share my own Miranda Hairy-Branson story (she'd hate that wouldn't she, Tee-hee!). I was sitting around union house at Melbourne Uni during o-week 2004, wondering what i'd gotten myself into. 'This place is full of wankers!' i thought to myself, the type of wankers i thought i'd left behind when i left my lame overpriced private school to enter the 'real' world. I was lost in these rather negative thoughts when a not overly attractive girl with bad hair and bad skin (no, not woman, she doesn't deserve that title) approached me with a very insincere smile and introduced herself as Miranda Airey-Branson, one of the editors of Farrago, a copy of which she proceeded to give me and suggested I read her editorial. She was still nearby as I read her editorial and was struck by the lameness of it. Being 4 years ago i can't remember what it was about but have a look at her derelict blog and you can tell how her brain works. Once i was done i went up to Miss Hairy-Branson, thanked her for the laugh and suggested perhaps she stopped writing these editorials because she couldn't possibly be as stupid as that editorial suggested. Apparently I was wrong. I have followed with interest any mention of Miss Hairy-Branson and can't believe this is the first I've heard of your little feud with her. anyway, go you! I wish Andrew Bolt would write a rant against me, then I'd know I'd at least pissed him off a bit for all the times he's pissed me off...

Gee, didn't realise that was quite so long...

Many, many years ago, (before the intarnet and mobly phones) in a deep dark...Christian Brothers school, we, the poor bedraggled waifs in attendance, were forced to write AMDG on the top right hand side of all our work. It was an abbreviation, an acronym you might call it now days. It stood for All My Deeds for God. Perhaps this poor trembling bugger of a teenager found God in a dark moment but due to the trauma left off the G. Or maybe due to the trauma, this spotty adolescent started channelling Brother Fidaleus Fiddler the boarding house supervisor.

I am perhaps drawing a long bow? God forgive me, I was bored. May the Lord be with you? (The intarnet puter thingy suggested the question mark and I liked it)
PS Ms Fits on a matter of grammar: I do believe that "pass the organic dates" is redundant.

Wow, the pure fucking horror of it all.
I thought you leftings didn't consider spelling all that important - uses up valuable class time that could be used for creative expressions and the AWSUM history of socialism and writing Season Greetings cards to whales and shit.

writing Season Greetings cards to whales and shit

It's all true – that's why I made my first million with my exclusive range of Hanukkah cards for Minke Whales.

Why didn't they abbreviate "people" to "ppl"? Its what the cool kids do!

What's stabed mummy?

Sorry Phil O'Sophycle, but Fits was a-okay to use 'cohort' in that fashion (though your righteous indignation re: the hyphen may stand); viz:

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/cohort

See especially the Usage Note...

phil, old chap. you are being so pedantic. check back over the comments re the co-hort 'scandal' and while fits acknowledged your comment most graciously, a couple of other people piped up saying that they thought it was a typo. perhaps she meant to say co-host?

http://reasonsyouwillhateme.com/gaydar-currently-tuned-to-minus-3

oh, for god's sake, this isn't even worth commenting on. but you're being a little bit troll'ish.

phil, old chap. you are being so pedantic. check back over the comments re the co-hort 'scandal' and while fits acknowledged your comment most graciously, a couple of other people piped up saying that they thought it was a typo. perhaps she meant to say co-host?

http://reasonsyouwillhateme.com/gaydar-currently-tuned-to-minus-3

oh, for god's sake, this isn't even worth commenting on. but you're being a little bit troll'ish.

mmmmm! organic dates!

on a completely different note - I am completely over the Rudd meister referring to 'brissie'. Last night on the news he emerged from the snow grinning and declaring this was not like 'brissie'. No-one calls it brissie. He is annoying me like a head prefect. I want to slap him.

I'd really like to stick 3 fingers in fits' pussy and lick her date.

only three anon?

the RSPCA will hear about this Mr Anonymous

I use punctuation in my texts too. Properly. Call me a pedant (everybody else does).

Fits!! I am shocked and impressed at your evilness. *sound of distant applause*

"Fuck Me!" said in a Gordon Ramsayesque way... Rudd is a turkey. We all know this. It is not a surprise when he manifests his turkeyness is new and fancy ways... I thought we only "liked" him because he is slightly less evil and has his head slightly less far up his own arse than does JWH... Will you all get over it and stop feigning disappointment when he behaves like to fuckwad bible bashing turd that he is?

Anon of 13:36 and 13:42 - trollish? - that has nasty connotations, and I would have thought I was a friend of this blog. You're right, Fits acknowledged graciously, so why did others try to suggest it was a typo? There's such a thing as constructive criticism. Being surrounded by sycophants is not necessarily a good thing.

I love Kevin. He is apparently a great guy. He is certainly far less evil than JwH. I'm not sure what a f..wad is, but I'm not one. just ask my wife. Oh Ms Fits, you missed an apostrophe after crack and I don't mean anything naughty by that.

Dear Mother

How are you? I am as well as can be expected following a rather nasty incident at school today...

You ill educated ruffian. How are you? You would begin a letter to your own dear mother in such an offhand and casual manner as befits an address to the scullery maid?

Dearest Mother,

I pray this letter finds you and the children well, and the servants are not revolting. Father O'Flaherty advised us to correspond with our parents inequivocably rapidly, as a result of some terrific unpleasantness during school today. Before I continue, mother dear, rest assured that both I and Scientician minor are in the best of health, despite the extensive soft tissue damage and blood loss...

Dear Ms Fits,
I am overjoyed at your taking a moral stance on this issue. Punctuation is indeed of paramount importance. It holds together the very fabric of society. Indeed the student, and I use the term loosely, should be marked down in whatever subject currently pretends to be english.
You have seemlessly pointed the finger at the real villian of the piece. I will peruse your blog with great interest in the future.
regards,
A. Bolt

TLS - you didn't really mean "inequivocably rapidly" - did you? I do like 'terrific' in its old fashioned sense.

I’d quite like to receive a sms from you while you were under the influence of crackabsinthe and sake. A rare state I presume.I wonder what i would read.Wtg 4 u gtb r u cmg .Oly if th b is milk?

What about the latest grab the Olympic torch for cash competition going on.How many are having a go? Is this a 3J initiative? It’s great viewing.I’m taking bets who can grab the runners torch

Do you get the organic dates covered in coconut?

I'm ONLY able to sms poetic soliloquies with correct spelling when I'm blind drunk. Reminds me of a slightly related story- once my girlfriend picked me up outside this random club when we spent a weekend in Cairns after I had been heavily drinking (required a trip to the hospital the next day, haven't binged since) and although I would not have been able to say my own name I could direct her back to our hotel. Strange thing is I wouldn't have known how to get there sober.

"because he is slightly less evil and has his head slightly less far up his own arse than does JWH... "

OBJECTION!!!111

I'm sorry (well, I'm not really), but this claim can no longer be...umm, claimed, after Rudd Tour 2008. We have certainly seen more head up his arse action from the The Kruddster this past week then we ever saw from Champion Howard.

Even Latham would be hard pressed to deny The Kruddster has discovered new techniques in Bush Arse licking never seen since the publication of the Karma Sutra. Champion Howard and Bush at least seemed to have a genuine friendship going on. The Kruddster / Bush relationship was that of a teacher telling a student to make friends with the new friendless fuckhead of the class.

I heard Bush lashed off to have a smoke at the back of the sheds with Blair while Rudd had his back turned during their game of Downball.

mmmm! organic dates covered in coconut!

To POS vis-à-vis comment to LAS- it would be Father O'Flaherty with the grammatical error as the author of the letter was relaying his message. Though the author is not without blame, as [sic] should have been used in this situation if verbatim was the case.

The only thing I can't stand is people saying/spelling 'should of' instead of 'should have'.

Hey, I wouldn't expect anyone to use the editorial [sic] in a letter to their mother.

Breaking news: Olympic torch wielding maniacs run through parliament.
SMS FROM BRENDON NELSON: 'WE HAD INTRUDERS AND A COUPLE OF PEOPLE GOT BURNDED AMD SHIT'

elbastardo - the alternative is... what pray tell?

You say "even Latham" - Latham? a meltdown waiting to happen (well, er... it did happen).

Count your blessings undergrads now back to class!

I'd like to put four fingers up fits' pussy whilst she was semi-coherent on crackabsinthe and sake. Then I would coat her date in, ahem, yoghurt, organic or not.

mmmmm! What?

Nah, fuck it. Make it a fist coated in GM grape seed oil.

Latham was a Nuclear Reactor on legs - but at least he was his own man, and his left wing bile often entertained me, unlike The Kruddster who just bores me with his waffle on toast. Not much of a Latham endorsement I'll grant you but it's the best I can offer for $9.95 (inc GST).

Anyway where did I say we needed an Alternative? Howard was the... not 'a', but 'the'... Champion. The Rocky Balboa of politics. Unfortunately liking "the man" is not very Rock 'n Roll so you ferals and net nerds had to drive him out, leaving us with what? Geese on the Left and maimed ducks on the Right.

Thank Christ/Allah/Elvis Global Warming is supposedly going to kill us all anyway. Just hurry the fuck up Gaia, before I have to put up with another of Rudd's 'funnies'.

mmmmm! a fist coated in GM grape seed oil.

Agreed, Howard was the Champion. But of whom? Not me elbarstardo. Nor clearly of the majority of Australians. He should have helped more people to get rich, then he might have won the election.

I'll take one of Rudd's funnies over Howards bowling any day mate!

Yes, yes, Howard was so hated he never won an election. The most unpopular Prime Minister ever. But hey, cut the man some slack, after all very few would be able to follow in the shining beacon of popularity that was 3 times Logie Winner Paul Keating. Certainly a national treasure.

But what was that? You want to be rich? What for? That isn't very socialist of you. You are making Cate Blanchett cry warm salty tears that are making her mascara run and making her look all emo. How will she be able to fight for you to get more arts grants if she is busy working on Tim Burton projects?

9%. Hmmm! I don't mind you picking on socialists but for god's sake leave the poor emo's alone.

I'm surprised nobody has mentioned Kevin's salute.....twice......To misquote the 'Young Ones', why doesnt he just go and put his tongue all the way down Bush's trousers?

(note careful punctuation...)

Bugger I forgot an apostrophe

to phil re trollish comment. you say you're a friend of this blog, but then come over all nitpicky. we can all be nitpicky but it's better to choose not to. it's more gracious.

and not being nitpicky doesn't automatically = sycophancy. but bringing up something that occurred weeks ago is really annoying.

Oh man, I thought I would be the only person who yelled at the television when that SMS message popped up on the screen.

YOUR EDUCATION SYSTEM HAS TEH FAIL LOL.

Ms Fits,

I found your blog today (for an obvious reason). I don't agree with your personal political leaning, but I'm very much in tune with your take on party politics.

More than that shit, though, your writing rocks!

Word use is important.

Yours
Boring middle-aged fuck

mashettees r da scarey nives dey youse 4 cutin stuff

This reminds me of a piece of graffiti a friend and I saw on a wall in 'sarf' London many years ago that said 'TRACEY IS A SLAPER'.

Needless to say, we loled.

rowena's back!!!

To paraphrase my own rhetoric, from a previous comment, following an different post; WTF UP WIT DA KIDS :0

And Phil of philosophycle.blogspot.com, you be living in a glass house cuzzy bra. Discerning net users are well paced to critique your own b-l-o-g, and may rightly note your casual and annoying use of hyphens. I had generously assumed your comment here to be ironically humorous in its intent, but changed my thinking upon notice that your blog musings are devoid of anything vaguely resembling funniness.

Oh very well *sigh*

extensive soft tissue damage and blood loss...

I did not escape unscathed however for my snood was completely ruined and is now, I fear, beyond repair. Though it matters little for I am due to die of consumption at any moment.

It is my ardent wish that the Almighty shall protect you from ill insult and so on and so forth and we wouldn't mind some more of Cook's partridge tongue choux pastries.

Your Most Affectionate Child...

Hehe. Snood.

you ferals and net nerds had to drive him out

Yeah, it was the ferals and net nerds that drove Howard out of his own seat and lost him government.

Not, you know, the Australian people. It's a leftist conspiracy. Clearly.

Yeah, people who can't spell shit me too.

Guess what I- we- did today (after sleeping in due to the 'stop work' meeting)??? We practised our lockdown procedures...Is it three bells? Four?? Sixty??

Not much of a Scientician are you Mr Scientician?

Where did I imply that Ferals and Net Nerds were mutually exclusive to "Australian People"?

Clearly these subspecies are what the majority of the Australian people have evolved into.

I blame all of the daddy-daughter fucking in SA myself. Now give me back my tinfoil hat you boring motherfucker.

Make it sixty, what could possibly go wrong?

ElBeyatch/anon you should take your tinfoil hat & stop inserting your lame left/right drivel into totally unrelated posts. Punk motherfucker.

noway are ya going to hell... a well sort out honest opinion. Straight from the heart. fuck the critics.. keep them coming!

Yeah! epon_anon is a mushroom cloud layin' motherfucker, motherfucker!

And you think "stabed" is bad? Some mental pygmie at The Hun decided to open up a forum after the five were arrested so punters could proclaim the machete wielding folks' guilt.
Suggested punishment included an ex-judicial execution.
Somebody's going to get shit canned for subjudice at the Hun.

wow. fiesty bunch today!

I'm not sure if you're aware...but the link to polichicks seems to send me to a website about actual chickens....I'm not sure if this is fault of mine or yours....or simply a joke I've missed. thought I'd let you know anyway.

Hey rowena,
I am not a misojinist or nuffin but what if Tracey really was a slaper. At least she wernt stabed or shote I guess. i think you spelt larf rong. Hey anywon want to buy a pair of chinese fighting loins?

Sadly, only found this blog recently. Bring it on. Have not had such a good belly laugh in a long while.

ha. ha ha ha ha.
Spent 15 minutes at work looking up the etymology of the word 'engineer' after editing text with false claims in regards to its meaning.
This is making me feel... slightly less crazy.

In regard to its meaning.

It's weird reading this blog and listening to Ms. Fits on 3J at the same time.

The inference was there for me to pick up. It needn't be explicit.

I did my HSC at Merrylands High. We hardly ever had machete attacks in those days.

In fact, I was part of a small, select group of fops doing 3 Unit Ancient history who started our own cult devoted to Persephone, Queen of the Underworld.

Later, we had the shit beaten out of us at Granville Station.

Nobody seems to have pointed out the obvious, so I feel inclined to do so.

Clearly predictive text was not enabled, and therefore " 'WE HAD INTRUDERS AND A COUPLE OF PEOPLE GOT STABED AMD HIT'" makes perfect sense. If you're writing frantically because, you know... people with freaking machetes are after you, then you're going to be hitting the 2 button ('abc') twice and move onto the next letter (the 3 button, 'def') because otherwise you'd need to either wait a couple of seconds before entering the double consonant, or enter another letter, backspace, and enter the double consonant that way.

This analysis also accounts for the 'm' in 'and' - if you're, as I say, being chased by 'freaking machetes' (this is no small drama), you would probably be writing in quite a rush and therefore would only press the 6 button ('mno') once rather than the correct number of times (twice) to achieve the input of the letter 'n' rather than the letter 'm'.

The student maybe have been hiding under a desk, grabbing for their phone frantically whilst keeping a keen eye on the surroundings to ensure that they didn't get stabbed to death.

A little common sense goes a long way.

Actually, if you go to Merrylands High, it might pay to have a text template on your phone ready so you can say things like:
• We had intruders and a couple of people got stabbed
• There's a riot flourishing in the canteen and I might be home a bit late
• I might sneak into Cerdon Catholic Girls College next door and see if I can get a bit
• Make mine a Quarter Pounder
• I didn't do it and you cannot prove it

Bob, not all hairy legged lesbians are like the Bloody Feminists. There is a whole universe outside of Melbourne Uni you know.

christ, you make me laugh

oh for fuck sake u r all a bunch of tossers who just like to see ur names on screen get.GET OVER IT!

BITCCHHHESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!