Smells like good times.
23rd March 2005.* Ring Ring*
‘Yello?’
‘Boo Boo?’
‘Kitten?’
‘Boo Boo!’
‘Kitty Kat! Omfg! How long has it been?’
‘ Super long. Like, a hundred million years. ‘
‘Dude!’
‘I know.’
‘I mean… dude .’
‘T-Bone, I know . ‘
‘Spin out.’
‘For sure.’
‘So what’s the dilly, Buttons? Things good?’
‘Things are…yeah. You know. Work’s work.’
‘Heh. No shit. Tell me about it.’
‘So you’re still in the priesthood then?’
‘……’
‘Boo?’
‘Who cares what I’m doing. What about you? I want to hear everything. Everything! Are you still a Geelong supporter? Your sister still living in Freeo? Ever hear from the son we tragically adopted out whom I occasionally talk up for political mileage?’
‘Ah…yes. About that, Teez…’
‘I’ve been doing some thinking about it, Kit-Bit. I mean, I know I was kinda young and stupid and all but I reckon I’d like to get to know him a little better. Discover how much of ol’ Tone he’s got kicking around in his system, ya know? Jeez, maybe he’s got my eyes. My fabulous ears. My innate and repulsive sense of moral superiority. Could be anything, couldn’t it? The mind bloody boggles, Kitty Kat. Heh heh.’
‘T-Bone?’
‘Yes?’
‘Um…I might have a little something to tell you….’
‘Yes?’
‘It’s just a widdle widdle something…teeny tiny bitsy bitey iddle piddle wee thing…’
‘Yes?’
‘It’s just…I might’ve made the beast with two backs with someone else.’
‘Might’ve?’
‘Well, by might’ve I mean…did.’
‘Did?’
‘I think the boy's his. Are you mad?’
‘Wow. I just…wow.’
‘You are mad.’
‘No, no, not at all. Are you kidding me? You lead me to believe for twenty-seven years that a child I heavied you into adopting out was mine and it turns out you went behind my back and dropped your dacks for someone else and now the kid’s his and I don’t have a secret son out there at all? What are you, nuts? I’m totally fine! All good, Kitty. All good.’
‘Oh, okay. Sweet.’
‘I gots to get back to work, sugar-pie.’
‘At the church?’
‘Ah…yeah. I think I hear them ringing the priest bell now. Best be off to pray and bless and shit. Toodle pip!’
* Click *
*Goes about normal business…*
‘Doo de dooo…’
‘Hey, hospitals are cool as fuck!’
‘Abortions are bad, kids!’
‘I can see my house from here!’
30th March 2005.
*Ring Ring*
‘Yello?’
‘Boo Boo?’
‘Oui?’
‘I’ve got a widdle widdle something…teeny tiny bitsy bitey iddle piddle wee thing to tell you….’
‘Oh, for fuck’s sake.’
924 days til the next election.
Comments
The link doesn't work!!!!! arrrrr!!!! what's it about?!?!?!? It might be caused by the "br/" bit at the end...
Woops. Sorry, Bucky. Should work now.
You funny bustuds... I've been living O/S and have only heard through the highly suspicious msn.com.au about this 'story,' but I like this version of events much better as it paints such a human picture. Had me sobbing by the end. Laaavely!
Gold! Comedy Gold!!
Poor, poor slut.
Who the fuck will she talk to next?
The Trading Post?
I can understand her wanting to sleep with as many other people as possible (thereby improving the "abbott:other" sexual relations ratio) but can she just shut up about it now?
I haven't seen "arts student" written with such venom since the union building toilet wall.
There is surely another series of these where
1. she receives the "its your son here ... mum" call, gushes, explains who his father is (met with a long silence and swearing reportedly)
2. Calls back to discuss his "long planned" overseas jaunt (don't worry you can borrow your liberal-minister-father's phone card and call any time)
3. Calls back to discuss the DNA testing
4. Calls back to discuss the DNA results
5. Calls back to explain who his father is (and accept invite to "dad ain't abbott party")
6. Calls back to mention that she felt she had been too subtle in telling the world she led a loose adolescence on ACA, so clarified the whole thing in the bulletin. Besides, "we were on a break!"
I think Im going to throw up.
Hehehe...
Reading through that whole thing, getting to the end, and not being able to know the punchline was like, well, withdrawl.
It's almost like you're feeling sympathy for him, Fitsy. What's your story?
Love it! That's a fabulously funny take.
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