Reasons you will hate me

Snap! Crakk!

Last night on my radio show we were joined by Celebrity Rooters Snap! Crakk! . I have always enjoyed their use of exclamation marks and, when I saw them play at the Lucky magazine birthday party, I sort of had the hots for all five of them. Their music is pretty sweet and also they have nice hair.
Here is a picture for your wank bank:

Mmm. Smell the youth. Inhale the pomenade.


Last night they ploughed through an hour of radio with all the shock tactics of the Bird Blobs . Here are some things they said and did:


- Told tales out of school!
Not only did their absent band-mate Marcus come under the spotlight for apparently being a 'dark horse' and having a 'pierced mangina', lead singer Mikey also dobbed on Blobs hotness Tim Evans. Apparently he's house-sitting for him at the moment and has discovered some deep, dark secrets hidden beneath Tim's bed. I'm not going to tell you what they are because I have a long-standing fascination with Tim Evans and I don't want him to bash me with his lanky limbs. Let's just leave it with the words 'box of human teeth'. You kind of get the idea.


- Suffered rock injuries!
Crakk's Tim Sullivan not only had Smiths lyrics tattooed across his chest (a particularly tough thing when you think it through), but he also had his arm in a sling. Why? Because when Snap! Crakk! played with Pink Grease on Saturday night, he not only JUMPED OFF THE FOLDBACK AND DISLOCATED HIS SHOULDER but also GOT UP AND SNAPPED IT BACK IN, at the same exact moment BREAKING HIS COLLARBONE.
AND THEN HE FUCKING KEPT PLAYING FOR FIVE MORE SONGS.
Never have I been more impressed by a man in a cowboy shirt with Smiths lyrics tattooed on his chest. And obviously I've met several.


- Confessed strange practices!
Don't go on tour with Snap! Crakk! okay? Because they tend to drink a lot of beer and take panadeine fortes and pass out in the back of their tour vans with long strings of drool dangling from their lips. Then they wake up and dare each other to drink Mikey's piss. Then they actually drink the piss. Then, presumably, they pass out again.


- Tried to out-strange us with their pornographic poses!
When you ask someone at the end of the show what they'd like to do for their photo, they usually shuffle around for a while before standing up on the Triple R couch and posing like Owen Wilson on ketamine. Not Snap! Crakk! No way!
For their first picture Mikey and Yama got Tim to 'ski-pole' them. This involved Tim kneeling cross-armed on the floor and taking two flaccid cocks in his hands . Ho ho!
Second picture? Why, they jammed a wine bottle up Mikey's arse and shoved it in with their feet *. Ha ha!
After that we had enough pictures, but Mikey insisted on one more of him tea-bagging Glenny G.




Why am I always the one who ends up witnessing this kind of debauchery? I'm nice. I like puppy dogs and mini-skirts.
I'm like a fucking magnet for this type of shit.




Rules.






*Apparently the bottle went in a little further than it should have and Mikey was sore. Yama reckoned he 'heard a funny noise' as the bottle rim slid inside. Ew.



1043 days til the next election.

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