Reasons you will hate me

Some phonecalls you don't want to get.

This is my homage to hot new blog on the block, Bad Connection . Deal.

*Ring Ring*



*Ring Ring*




'Yello?'




'Oh hey, Brendan. This is Doctor Gleeson.'




'Hey, doc! What's up?'




'I'm afraid I have some bad news...your test results are in...'




'Oh my god.'




'Yes. Your cancer has AIDS.'




'Jesus.'




'Yes. And the AIDS has a tumour. A malignant one with genital warts on it.'




'Sweet Jerusalem.'




'Yeah. Yeah. Tough news to hear, I know.'




....



....



....



'Aaaaanyhoo, you probably need some time to digest and so on. Give me a call if you've got any questions. Oh, and in the interim I'll put you through to Judy at reception - she's got a few things to run by you. Ciao ciao.'



*Click*


*Ring Ring*



'Reception, Judy speaking.'






'Uh...yeah. This is Brendan. Doctor Gleeson put me through to you.'





'Oh, of course. I just wanted to remind you to settle your account in the next thirty days. We wouldn't want you to fall off the perch in debt now, would we? HAHAHA! Thanks again Brendan, have a nice day.'




'.........'




*Ring Ring*


*Ring Ring*


'Yello?'





'Brendan mate, Eddie McGuire here from television's Who Wants to Be A Mooyanare. How are you, champ?'





'Actually, this isn't really a good - '





'Great work, son. Listen, I've got your mate Rod here on the line and he's chosen you as tonight's 'Phone A Friend' for the chance to win SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS. What do you think about that then?'





'Yeah, like I said...not really a good - '





'Brendan man? This is Rod.'





'Oh, hey Rod. Listen, I just got some kind of bad news and I'm not really in the mood for - '





'Dude, you've got to help me out. I need this cash. We gotta pay for Sophie's operation somehow.'





'Yeah, look...'





'Actually Brendan, we've got little Sophie here with us in the audience tonight. Where are you, sweetheart?'





'Hewwo?'





'Awwwww.'





'Ain't she a peach? That's your Uncle Brendan on the phone, munchkin.'





'I wuv you, Unca Bing Bing.'





'Awwwww.'





'Yes, that's one very sick little girl. You going to help your mate Rod out tonight, Brendan?'





'I, uh...'




'Come on, man. Please ?'





'Okay. Sure.'





'You're a champ, B-Man. Now the question we've got for you is:
'When a nerve message reaches the end of an axon it sends a message or impulse across the space between the nerves to continue its message to the next nerve by a substance best known as:
A) synaptic nodes
b) neuromotor stimluli
c) neurotransmitters
or d) intersynaptic dosimeters.'





'.......'





'You still there, Brendan?'





'.......'





'Dude, you have to help me.'





'Uh, I...jesus. I don't really - '





'I'm going to need an answer, Brendan.'





'You know Science isn't really my strong point...'





'B, come on! Think of all the shit I've done for you! Remember when I bailed you out after that kiddie porn charge?'





'Yeah, but I...this is a really hard question, bro.'





'Come on, Bingles. Little Sophie's new kidney isn't going to pay for itself you know.'





*Burp*





'Awwwww.'





'Would you like me to repeat the question, Brendan?





'Okay.'





'For SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS:
'When a nerve message reaches the end of an axon it sends a message or impulse across the space between the nerves to continue its message to the next nerve by a substance best known as:
A) synaptic nodes
b) neuromotor stimluli
c) neurotransmitters
or d) intersynaptic dosimeters.'





'.....'





'For god's sake, just pick one!'





'Running out of time here...'





'Okay, okay. God.'





'Need an answer...'





'I said okay! Shit .'





'DUDE! PICK ONE!'





'Alright. Um...



....


....



....intersynaptic dosimeters.'





'That's your final answer, Brendan?'





'I guess so.'





'That's the one you want to lock in?'





'I guess so, sure.'





'Intersynaptic dosimeters.'





'Oh, for fuck's sake.'





'We're locking it in...for SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS...and a very, very sick little girl...'

.....



......




........




............



..............




'Are you ready for the answer, Brendan?'





'God yes.'





'Rod?'





'Affirmative.'





'Right.


When a nerve message reaches the end of an axon it sends a message or impulse across the space between the nerves to continue its message to the next nerve by a substance best known as...


Brendan, you said Intersynaptic dosimeters...


...the answer tonight is....



......



Mate, I'm sorry. The correct answer is Neurotransmitters.'





'Oh shit.'





'That's seven hundred and fifty big ones down the toilet for your old mate, Rod. How you feeling about that, Rod?'





'......'





'Dude, I'm so sorry. I just got this really bad news and my mind wasn't on the job and - '





'We'll have to cut you short there, B-fer mate. Little Sophie's being rushed to hospital and...well, who knows whether she's going to make it. Thanks for playing tv's hottest gameshow, WHO WANTS TO BE A MOOOYANARE...'




*Click*


*Ring Ring*


*Ring Ring*




'Hello?'





'Brendan?'





'Yes.'





'It's Lisa here from the adoption agency, and I have a special surprise for you.'





'Look Lisa, I don't know if I-'





'Brendan we've found your real father. And he's on the line for you right now.'





'......'





'I'm going to patch him through. You wait right there.'




*Click*


*Ring Ring*



'Yo.'




Okay, so you all knew how it was going to end. Whatevz. It was still richly comedic.
You can read about the touching and in-no-way-related-to-the-abortion-issue-PR-stunt reunion here .


My favourite part of today's Age article about it? 'Daniel has taken leave to go to England. It was a pre-arranged trip, Mr. Abbott said.'


The kid's fucking fled the country. Happy father's day, fuckface.


961 days til the next election.

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