Reasons you will hate me

Sorry.

A website called The Apologist has made it to a few newspapers here. People log on, register apologies and go about their day unencumbered by further guilt. That's the theory, anyway. For example:
Guest
Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2004 12:45 pm    Post subject: Jealous


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I´m sorry I got so jealous yesterday - I just got used to you working in an office with only blokes, so when she started working there I just got scared that you would like her more than me because she understands your job and I´m not great with computers and stuff. I know that that is completely unfair and untrue, I´ll try to calm down a bit and not let it happen again.


Criminals also get a chance to offload:
Guest
Posted: Tue Aug 03, 2004 10:03 pm    Post subject: Burglary


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I am sorry for breaking into an older couple's house and stealing a salt and pepper set when I was 17. I was young and drunk (again). I did get a criminal record and for that, too, I am sorry.
Chris


And people with wind 'issues':
Guest
Posted: Fri Jun 25, 2004 10:47 am    Post subject: To the lady into whose face I farted at Green Park


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I cannot apologise enough. You see, I'd needed the fart since I got on the Tube at Willesden Green but didn't want to release it in the confines of the train, so I thought I could keep it in until I reached the open air at Green Park. Unfortunately, the action of walking up the stairs dislodged the fart loudly right into your face, which was at arse level on the steps behind me. I know that the gentlemanly thing to do was to have apologised there and then. Instead, I took one look at your stricken face and ran all the way to Piccadilly Circus.
I am so sorry.


I guess your expectation is that you get online, release your pent-up culpability and go on your merry way. So it must have come as a bit of a surprise to this guy when one of the women he was apologising to sprung him. I think it's safe to say there's no love lost between the two.
One of my favourite rejoinders? 'Speaking for the three of us, if we wanted support, we wud have got an uplift bra or a low-riding, female abdominal truss...and billed it to your credit card.' WHAMMO. Boy, you certainly cut him down to size there young lady! Owch!!


Here are some of my apologies:
- Glenn, I'm sorry I make fun of Jet all the time and call them a second-rate covers band with their heads up their own arses, when you were the one who signed them to EMI.
- Mum, I'm really really really sorry for the years 1990 - 1994.
- I'm sorry I started the Joey Dee fan club when I was eleven and told my parents it was just because he was 'nice'. In truth, I wanted to touch his wa-wa.
- Brett Birkhill, I'm sorry I laughed so hard on our date that I wet my pants. I'm even more sorry that I tried to cover it up by clumsily pretending to fall into a fountain.
- Doctor who put stitches in my vagina after a horsing accident when I was sixteen and told me not to swear, I'm sorry I didn't call you a cunting fucklord.
- To the Adelaide woman whose son was found with a hook stuck in his anus, I'm really sorry we laughed about it for about half an hour on last night's radio show.
Seriously though, it does sound kind of funny.

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