Speed dating with the men of the moment.
'Okay gorgeous young ladies and dashing gentlemen. You know the rules here. Thirty seconds with each member of the opposite sex and, you know, do your best to impress . When the whistle blows, I say it's time. Are you ready to find the love of your life? Well alright then...'
'TIME!'
'Wow, I'm kind of nervous. Um...my name's Rachel, I'm twenty-three...god, where do I start haha...I work in PR...I really love break beats and house...how about you?'
*sigh*
'Um...do you have a name, or...'
*deep sigh*
'Are you okay? You seem kind of depressed or something.'
'Oh god.'
'I mean, if you want to talk about it...'
'You know what? Yes. Yes I would. So I'm having some problems at work. So what? So people have never paced themselves before? What'd I ever do wrong? I'm SUPPOSED TO BE JOLLY FOR FUCK'S SAKE. And what the fuck - the fuck - is up with those backstabbing cun - '
'TIME!'
*shuffle*
'Hey, how's it going. My name's Rachel and I - '
'I hope you weren't thinking of dating that guy. Were you thinking of dating that guy? That guy is a CUNT. He is a FUCKING FAT-FACED FUCKING CUNT. Were you seriously thinking of dating him? Did you want his number or something? Are you FUCKED? Are you FUCKED?'
'......'
'Did you know he poos his pants? Did you know that? Yeah, that's right. POOS. Also he loves Tori Amos and owns all her records. Still want to date him now? Still want to date the Tori-lover? The Tori-lover with a girl's haircut? The guy is a STRAIGHT UP FUCKING LOSER. YOU REALLY WANT TO GO OUT WITH A POO-PANTS LOSER LIKE HIM?'
'TIME!'
*shuffle*
'Woah. Okay, um...hi. My name's Rachel, I work in PR...'
'Hey Rachel, how's it going. My name's Tim, I'm a journo...this speed-dating is kind of weird...'
'Oh my god, I know...there are so many freaks here...'
'Seriously. Ah...what else. I'm into the Left, big time. I'm quite charming and off-the-cuff. Also I have a wit that won't quit. And once you get to know me better you'll see I have a raw, unbridled sexuality that leaves ladies on the good side of politics damp in the pants area.'
'Wow. That's hot.'
'Thanks.'
'You know, it's great to meet someone so genuine. All the other guys here are so fake. You're real. I mean, the last thing a girl like me wants is some trendy-haircut muscleman with blonde tips who's desperately trying to be someone he's not. Am I right?'
'......'
'TIME!'
*shuffle*
'Right. Okay, my name's Rachel, I have a pet axolotl named Pooter and I love Vietnamese food.'
'Gidday. Ah, what can I tell you. My name's Doug, pretty average bloke, don't mind a few tinnies on a hot summer's day...'
'Bullshit.'
'Excuse me?'
'Bullshit bullshit bullshit. Why would you bullshit me like that?'
'But I - it's true...'
'It's guys like you I don't fucking trust. I don't trust you. Look at you. Bald...man. Little beady...eyes. Ew. There's just something about you. You and your web of lies . You're wasting my money, the government's money and taxpayer's money by simply being alive. I WISH YOU WERE DEAD.'
'Blimey.'
'TIME!'
*shuffle*
'Hey there. My name's Rachel, I'm twenty-three...'
'lol rachel your hot! wana meet up l8r sexy?'
'Er...could we not just talk now?'
'mmmm that sounds hot sexy. would like to cU naked wld mk me cum 4 sure!'
'Good gracious.'
'u want 2 do it? we wld have hott sexxx, u mite b good 2, ROFLMAO!!!'
'I don't think so.'
'u sure? I cn change ur mind.'
'No, really.'
'u mean u dont wnt a pece of this sexy? r u gay?'
'TIME!'
832 days til the next election.
Comments
Oh fuck. That Latham bit just killed me - in a good way. I squealed outloud with girlish delightin the office, old school style.
"Did you want his number or something? Are you FUCKED? Are you FUCKED?"
Side. Aching quite badly.
Poor Timmy, he can never win can he. He tries and he tries and he tries but all for nothing. Poor fat fuck Beasley too, why is he always tagged a loser? I mean its not as if he's lost everything he's ever attempted to win. Maybe it's because he poos his pants.
There's so much truth here...it hurts...thank you.
Ps. can you tell me where rachel is speed dating next, she seems to be a difficult nut to crack...
OMG jess those sides are COMPLETELY SPLIT!
*calls 911*
*hangs up*
*calls 000*
mummy, is the scary bald man with the yellow teeth the boogy man?
hold me, mummy, HOLD ME!
meanwhile, can i have a crack at that rachel bird? she looks like she wouldn't mind a bit a lez rough and tumble. nudge. nudge. winkety. wink.
You are such a frantic LEZ, Nadine. But you're right, she'd be more of a go than that plugged up\loved up rapper Eve.
*whistles innocently*
I'm still laughing at Rachael being into break beats.
Is it just me, or is Shane Warne... kind of... orange?
Take good care of Anna xoxo
i have no idea what you're talking about, jess. i have never seen anything to do with eve being loved and/or plugged. especially not god-awful, scary, way-too-quick porn.
*represses memories*
My apologies, Nadine. I don't even know what I was talking about. Certainly not nineteen seconds of shitty internet celebrity porn fury in Windows Media Player. What's a porn? Why are you looking at me?
So... how's about that Douglas Woods, eh?
his name's "doug". don't you read the telegraph? he's our doug.
Ahh heard that over in Singapore a government agency called "SDU" is running this game for all you "educated folks"..
I'm still praying on Doug finally doing that second "exclusive" interview, which will finally answer all of the open questions and loose ends after facing the Sully Grill!....
Yes, I can't wait until Eddie & Sam finally unite two of the most relevant topics of the day - Iraq hostage crisis and the Cats dropping out of the 8...
$BDW$
Who were those people in the photos?
*wipes away tears*
thanks Fits.
Tori Amos lover - ouch, that's just out and out nastay.
"Also I have a wit that won't quit" = Gold! Pure gold!
BAHAAHAHA *wipes up coffee from keyboard*
*and nose*
- Nice work Ms Fits - good to see you haven't lost your touch after lounging around on the beach
Lefty Tim looks like a young Philip Ruddock.
(going by that terrifying photo in The Monthly)
Because I like you, Bucky, I'm going to give you a minute to TAKE THAT THE FUCK BACK. Please. Lie if you must. But never, ever compare the most beloved of all lefties, King Timmy, with a *chokes on word* Liberal.
Latte, anyone?
It doesn't say much about the ALP that those to have recently led the party; a spinless piece of shit and a right-wing yobbo. Ben Chifley would be turning in his grave.
It explains why that neo-fascist Howard was voted back in. Sure he is evil, but he can put on being competent. Beazley and Latham are evil too, but they are so fucking useless.
Tell us how you really feel, aleks - anarcho-syndicalist.
Maybe the Federal Parliamentary Labor Caucus could take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week, but all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more major...
And so forth.
Tillops: ahhh, quoting the passage from the Holy Grail that first piqued my curiosity about politics at 13. Love Ya. (Geek)
Jess: ...and Kate's totally going to convert him into a Liberal with her crafty Young Lib ways. Which would make Lefty Tim -
just like a young Peter Costello!
and just like a young Tony Abbott!
Uh - no! I mean...uh...
*runs to find lawyer*
Ah, ring ring. I miss it so much.
ps IT's true, Tillops. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Dam it. One post and already somebody identified where I got the name from.
Oh well.
Well anway, some people may say anarcho-syndcalism is bullshit and won't work in the real world, but the real bullshit is the idea that the ALP is a progressive left wing party in 2005.
Dear Ms
ROFLCHAIRMANMAO! As much as I simply can't handle 'foul language' I found that to be Fucking Sweet Shit Right There.
Kind Regards,
IOYC Conditional Aid Proposal
That's GOLD Jerry! GOLD!
So did Dougie ask for $400k for Rachel to interview him? or did he ask you to kidly donate it to the "Get me out of Iraq" black hole fund?
i just have one question.
who is that very scary red lady at the beginning? is she the hostess? the mistress of the speed dating ceremony?
Hi Fitz. Remember me?
this was absolute gold.
more please!
that's no lady hostess, that's a hermaphrodude.
Aw dude! You stole that poos in the pants line from the Late Show. Remember? When Paul Keating said it about like... Malcolm Fraser or someone?
Shiiiii.
That was truly wonderful, Fits. Latham killed me. The whole post killed me. I was particularly fond of Doug's "blimey" too.
You are an internet gem.
Don't know whether to laugh or cry.
And what is this thing Kate has over Tim? It saddens me.
I can't get off the floor! You just killed me.
I better get out of here, everyone is staring at me.
x
Good, I wasn't the only one who picked up someone was channeling Paul Keating, a-la Late Show style. Now where's the champagne!
awesome :)
Funniest site ive seen in a long time
hi is this rachel Bird girl real coz i'm finding it hard to believe because my name is Rachel Bird
Comments are closed.