Reasons you will hate me

Strippers Gone Wild.

On Saturday night my dear friend Glenn and hott lady pal Gen took me out. The evening began the usual way - Japanese food, sake, bands at the Rob Roy (the Sailors plus Digger and the Pussycats), a little touchy feely over-bra only - and then, on Glenn's insistence, we went to the Peeps.
Here are some things you should definitely know.


1. People who work at Peep Shows don't find your witty asides in any way debonair or amusing.
So don't make them. It pisses the fat guy running the till off and makes him rub your two dollar coins against his tracksuit pants in a way that will make you feel strange in your stomach. Like when you used to catch your dad as he bent over naked to put his socks on of a morning.
2. The Peeps aren't particularly minty fresh.
Does that shock you? I know it does. The Peeps aren't vacuumed every half-hour or so by a kindly cleaner tipping you a chubby wink as he or she passes. They seem to be left to simmer. For weeks at a time, judging by the odour. Which leads me to:
3. Jizz stinks.
And you can quote me on a fuzzy-letter t-shirt if you like. That place was soaked in semen. It was like drowning in a casserole of cum-fog.
4. Tissues get stuck on your shoe at the Peeps.
Which can send you and your friends alternating between helpless fits of laughter and dry-retching repulsion.
5. When you put your two dollars in and the window goes up, the girl can see you .
And oh my god. When you finally emerge from the half-crouched position you instantly shrank to in middle-class terror, you'll find that she has her face pressed up against the glass and is grinning at you. Not only that, but she's missing a tooth . Which, it has to be said, might not work for everybody but is somehow pulled off by her.
5. Girls in the Peeps are glad for the company.
It's the only way I can explain her Vegas-esque initial greeting to us - 'WOW! IT'S GREAT TO SEE SOME SMILES OUT THERE!' - before pulling a string of beads out of her arse and adding with a toothless beam: 'CAREFUL, YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME LAUGH IN A MINUTE!'
6. Work out your boy/girl ratio beforehand.
Because if you're working it like Glenn, you'll leave that tiny booth with two smiling ladies and the entire waiting queue of gents will let you pass in respectful silence. It's like Anzac Day for dirty masturbators.

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