Sweethearts.
So I've returned from 'up bush' and being the Wild Woman of the Zambesi (boy those quockas can sure run...good eatin' when you catch 'em though!) just in time to spread the love on Valentine's Day. I know it's corny as hell and everything, but I love the day of love. In fact, I love love . Except when it comes to handing it out willy-nilly to Liberal voting analtards; then love can go suck a fuck. I have standards.
Every year I check the Valentine's notices to see if someone's secretly hot for me and every year I'm disappointed. No-one's calling me 'Giggleheimer' or 'Schmoopenstein' (note to Schmitz - our names rhyme. It'll make the poem easier to write. Deal.) or imploring me to meet them for a secret tryst. No-one's fucking told me they're keen for a piece of my business via curly skywriting. Has anyone got a tattoo of me on their left calf? No. It's bitterly disappointing to say the least, but there's still time. I recommend Chapel Tattoo for all your inking needs. Ask for Jane.
City Weekly asked me and other prominent Australians including celebrity vet Katrina Warren, comedian Des Dowling and professional spastics The Town Bikes to write a Valentine for someone famous for their recent issue. Here is mine:
Dear Amanda Vanstone
On Valentine’s Day I give to thee
Gifts for love’s sweet symphony
A rose to charm your winsome best
A shiny brooch to kiss your chest
A lyre to strum a yearning song
And my heart
Since you obviously haven’t got one of your own, you silly cow.
You see how I drew it all together at the end? It doesn't even rhyme, either. That's ART, fuckers.
I realise 'winsome best' is a stretch, but in my head it works like: 'Whilst at her winsome best, she was truly charmed'. I was going to put 'winsome breast' but there's nothing fucking winsome about those gargantuan plums.
968 days til the next election.
p.s. And a Valentine's Day big-hearted tongue-kiss to MattyB, Mutzi, Bob Ellis and all you other bloggers I've tried to get to third base with. xx
Comments
i got my lest can inked for you, baby, but it all went a bit awry.
now for the rest of my life i have to live with "mss fist on this" across my boobie.
damn junkie tattoo artists!
left can! LEFT can!
perhaps the needle contained more than just ink...
Of course I've resisted, in spite of all the booze and good eating you've plied me with. Keep trying though. I'll come across eventually.
Fudd hearts Fits.
xx
The Twins sat atop the mountain side when all of a sudden they were approached by a Mountain Lion.
"Hello there little twins"
Although nervous, The Twins were not afraid.
"Hello there Mr Mountain Lion, whatcha doin?"
"Tootin' chccolate...No! I'm looking for something to eat," said the Mountain Lion hungrily.
"You can eat us," said The Twins.
And he did. He ate them 'til they screamed like little bitches and after he did he licked his lips and declared:
"That's a spicy meatball!"
Weirdest Valentine's Day Message Ever. But at least it was better that Widdle Juzzy Bear.
Thankyou.
x
"Fudd hearts Fits".
In a mate's way, of course, if you're reading this, Matty.
Sorry what?
*puts down video camera...*
Oh...right...cool. Either way.
And whoever that anonymous was really needs to work on their spelling.
I'll tell you who needs to work on their spelling....
HARRY POTTER!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
See me after class, BookBook.
*sulks*
*steals Sherriff's pen*
*just waiting till morning for the cleaners to come and free me from the sports locker*
Did you get my Temporary Stalker Application Ms Fits? It was a Valentines in disguise!
You were so restrained. Cow? I don't even believe it was you who wrote that. And if you did, was such understatement painful?
Meanwhile, I sit blogging at 9.30pm on Valetines Day while a baby drools on my shoulder. To hell with my life.
Girls in the Garage 2 photos:
http://photos.timchuma.com/GirlsintheGarage2/index.html
Thanks - Tim Chuma.
oh oh, and quokkas are only found on Rottnest Island, off the coast of Perth, so what the fuck were you eating?
my bet would be small children.
you playing st jeromes? what time is your set?
Yo.
You have a funny website. So do I! We should totally link to each other.
http://theother95.existangst.com
Yo.
You are totally hot. So am I. Let's link, and I mean physically.
For Valentines Day all I got was a computer crash the equivalent of Ash Wednesday, ie. I lost everything. Why does the SES not come to my aid?
Yo.
I've got a funny website too!
You should totally...oh...you already have.
Well. Good. Carry on.
BEVIS said...
Um, ... is this on? *tap tap* Ahem.
I just wanted to wish Ms Fits a Happy (belated) Valentine's Day. I hope she got a leg over, and that when she thinks of rank three-day-old green vomit with bits of carrot in it, she thinks of me.
Fondly.Which is not the same thing as fondley, unfortunately for me.
(Yes, I'm back after a whirlwind ten-month tour of Bayswater North and the surrounding burroughs, so button up your blouse, Fitsie!)
... you still remember who I am, right?? ...
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
bevis is back!!!
YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the polyphonic spree are on the wireless!!!
happy day!
*shimmy body rolls with glee*
Hello, world, here's a song that we're singin',
C'mon get happy!
A whole lotta lovin' is what we'll be bringin',
We'll make you happy!
We had a dream we'd go trav'lin' together,
We'd spread a little lovin' then we'd keep movin' on.
Somethin' always happens whenever we're together,
We get a happy feelin' when we're singin' a song.
Trav'lin' along there's a song that we're singin',
C'mon get happy!
A whole lotta lovin' is what we'll be bringin',
We'll make you happy,
We'll make you happy,
We'll make you happy!
BEVIS
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