Reasons you will hate me

1. My first language was Indonesian. I had to learn English at age four or five.
2. I have nearly died several times - from food poisoning as a baby, from measles shortly afterwards, in a car accident at age four and from hypothermia after getting lost in a blizzard age nine.
3. My great-great-uncle was chums with Einstein (they met in an internment camp) and was the bloke responsible for translating his works from German to English. Cheers, Henry!
4. My great aunt started the Rudolph Steiner hippy schools in Australia.
5. I snubbed Home & Away's Beau Brady at a shopping centre once. Sorry, Beau.
6. My first ever 'saucy' dream involved Keanu Reeves and, inexplicably, a room full of spaghetti.
7. I have hugged Collette (of Ring My Bell fame). Hang on, I tell everyone that.
8. I can't read a note of music. Time signatures are beyond me. I am a roight musical dullard, me.
9. I have a filthy temper, but I repress it (generally).
10. A dodgy French psychic once told my eldest sister that she had a younger sister and an even "yoong-uh bruzzah". When she insisted she had two sisters and no brothers, he replied (and I've heard the tape, the poncy eurotrash arse) "Errmmmm, are yew sure? Does the yoongess, err, she ride zee motor bike? She iz a lesbian, non?"

BONUS (to make up for recycling Collette)

11. In Year One, a week or so after starting a new school, I couldn't find where the toilets were and ended up weeing my pants. In an effort to cover up such a potentially popularity-killing lapse in bladder control, I emptied the contents of a Just Juice container up and down my leg. Presumably being a spastic who covers herself in apple juice would be less socially paralysing than a girl who couldn't find the loo in time.

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i can't think of one interesting thing about me, let alone ten.

um...well...i once got it on with a soldier in a club in israel and i actually got to use the phrase "is that a gun in your pocket?" unfortunately his limited english prevented him from understanding the joke and he just answered with a solitary "yes".

"2) My grandad rooted Nana Mouskouri."

*very, very long pause*

...I hope she kept the glasses on.

...The idea of calling someone "Nana" while rooting them is just too disturbing.

...The granddad I'm imagining rooting her makes it even more disturbing, but I suppose it was your other one.

I might be able to come up with something. For now...

1. My great-grandmother was "seduced" at the age of 14 (in the 1890s) and her resulting daughter was raised as her sister. The story is that the guy was "an Indian bagseller", so I'm probably 1/8 Indian.

2. I can't read a note of music. Time signatures are beyond me. I am a roight musical dullard, me.

3. I have a filthy temper, but I repress it (generally).

(From the earliest to the latest, sort-of, maybe.) Mostly about my parents, I'm not really that interesting.

1. I was brought up in a crib given to my mother by Lemmy Kilminster from Motorhead.
2. I touched the penis of David Bowie's son, Zowie, in a bath, when we were both little tackers and playmates for a short while. (before Angie accused my mum of being a theif, etc.)
3. I was once semi-kidnapped in a shopping strip when I was 5; my mother had to beat up some creepy looking guy to get me back. Next day? Police storm his house... bodies!
4. My mum was friends with the Comic Strip crew; Dawn French, Ade Edmonson, etc.
5. My dad was once Cleo UK Bachelor of the Year and Public Enemy Number 9 in the same month, for blowing up a police car.
6. I have an irrational fear of moths.
7. In a 747 toilet.. With an air hostess. I *had* to.
8. Karen O, of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs fame, sang the chorus Black Tongue to me over a cocktail while she slid her hand up my leg.
9. I threw a man's briefcase into the Yarra after he called me a blue-haired cunt.
10. I still have trouble working out whether something ironic is funny or not. I *didn't get* Starship Troopers; as in, the political satire thing, at all, on the first watching. I had to have it explained.

I have a rational fear of moths.

It is!

1. My first stepfather worked for ASIO and travelled to Israel perhaps five times a year. We left him when he was away and found a CIA handbook on making explosives. I lost it.

2. I was the first Westerner to ever train at The Yagyu school of Iaido in the hills of Nagano, Japan, where I learned to draw a sword and decapitate someone in the same movement.

3. I could not ride a bike until the age of fifteen.

4. I won the Westpac Mathematics competition two years in a row.

5. I was in a band and we were supported by Regurgitator, SPiderbait and Something For Kate. You may have heard of these bands, but I'll put money on the fact that you've never heard of mine.

6. I self-published my first book at the age of 7.

7. I can imitate Gordon Gano from the Violent Femmes' exactly.

8. The only words in Chinese that I can speak are, Fuck Your Mother and The Love of Buddha is within us all.
I feel they are slightly related.

9. If I ever meet anyone famous, I always think, "Well, what's the fucking big deal?"

10. I am a rabid, psyhotic, nymphomaniac. But some of you probably already figured that.

I posted my ten on my blog. That means you have to pump up MY site traffic! MWAH HA HA HA! Ahem.

Why are you so very evil Clem?

maybe i'll do one on my blog too.

maybe not.

cope.

1. My parents met on a blind date and my father proposed his desire to marry my mother before dessert even hit the table. Since then, they’ve been apart for only 16 days in 34 years. This is the example of what I want from love.

2. I’ve been in love 3 times in my life. Once with a poetic farmers son, once with a hilarious Norwegian and now my current genius paramour. And I have never cheated on any of my six boyfriends.

3. I have hung out with the Rolling Stones and I practice my ukulele with the plectrum that Keith Richards gave me. It hasn’t helped my playing skills in the very least.

4. I’ve survived cancer.

5. I assisted with the delivery of my sister’s baby who we only had in our lives for 8 hours before he died.

6. Gene Simmons from KISS asked me 3 times to come back to his hotel room and ‘party’ with him. I declined the offer 3 times.

7. I have played the clarinet in front of 4 million people or maybe more on 2 separate occasions.

8. For the past 6 years, I have cried almost every single day.

9. I have a sixth sense which in my family is only identified in my grandmother and I. An elderly American Indian woman randomly came up to me in 1991 when I was walking through a pilgrimage festival and said that I should “stop being so frightened of your ability or my gift will conquer you in the end.” and then she walked away. To this day I still stifle most of my sensory impulses because of fear.

10. I have sat in karaoke bars far and wide and seen people sing along to songs where the video has a 19 year old model dancing badly. Only once has someone made the connection between me and the video.

Other people ARE interesting!

I love this.

I can't abide typos and spelling mistakes on menus either. I was particularly annoyed by finding a number of errors on the room service menu at the Sheraton On The Park, Sydney. Five star bloody hotel and they can't get a menu right? Plus it's not like they change the Room Service menu every night and do it in a hurry.

--Hostile17

P.S. You should have put "I've never seen a single episode of 'Buffy'" on your list...

Oh, actually - can I ask a question regarding your list, Ms Fits?

Do you count joints in your 'never had a drag of a cigarette' claim? Or are they a completely separate entity and a-ok to suck on?

I am impressed though. I had my first drag of a cigarette at 9.

1. When I was 18 months old, I was voted the most beautiful baby in NSW by Woman’s Weekly readers.
2. I was a contestant on and ABC game show in the early ‘90s called, Vidiot. I won a gameboy, a walkman and some tapes. The only one I liked was by the Baby Animals.
3. My uncle swam in the 1964 Tokyo Olympics. He reckons he helped Dawn Fraser steal the infamous flag.
4. When I was 10, I taught myself to do backflips by watching tapes of gymnasts at the Commonwealth Games. It was a very painful process.
5. I had dinner last night with John Pilger, his partner and my semi-famous dissenter journo boyfriend.
6. I can’t read music, yet I managed to fool my childhood music teacher for years by learning songs by ear. I still can’t read music, haven’t practiced for years, but can still play songs on the piano, tuba and flute.
7. I was expelled from Sunday School when I was 11 for a range of “behaviour” that included sending my teacher (the Rabbi’s son!) a written death threat, and releasing a flock of pigeons in a synagogue. I quite happily took the fall for my co-conspirators.
8. During my first year of university I was a cocktail waitress in the high rollers room at Star City Casino. What they say about inner sanctums in casinos is true.
9. I swam competitively as a teenager. I didn’t get breasts or my period until I was nearly 17. But then, I could swim nearly 50 metres underwater without coming up for a breath, so I didn’t care.
10. My first ever long-term boyfriend was a steroid-munching body builder. I was 15 and he was 19. My poor parents.

And you Hostile17 should have typed AHARHARHAR after your informative Sheraton on the Park anecdote.

Just because...

Nick Cave came to my garage sale, circa 1993. He didn't buy anything, though I remember he seemed a bit taken with a particularly ugly orange table lamp.

"Why are you so very evil Clem?"

Because I am a music critic. Don't you know? We're all bitter, twisted failed-ex-musos and perpetually premenstrual cows.

I can only compete in the negative, fitsy: I haven't:

Firstly, you have dragged a cig. Remember houseboat circa 2 minutes ago.....in the spa......red meat/white meat???? "But i thought it was a joint" What. Evz.

I did a post re; the buzz on me ages ago, so I'll think of some other facts;

1. Apparently my famz has some connection to THE Kennedys, Its a tree thing. I'll probably die soon.

2. I see dead people.

3. No I dont.

4. I have hid in the bushes from the cops IN HELICOPTERS when I was a teenager, but it wasn't me. I swear.

5. I made out with a guy once who I suppose you could ALMOST call a midget/dwarf. HOT.

6. NUMBER 60!!!

7. I have vomited out of a hot air balloon.

8. I have named my vibrator Bruce Springsteen or The Boss. 7 1/2 inches.

9. I met Right Said Fred at Chevron in 1990. They bought me an Illusion. Obssesed?

10. I named a shot at this amazing pub/restaurant in Dayelsford. Its called 'The Fuck Me Doctor'. Killer no filler.

thanks for giving me a second interesting thing, genny b:

2) i have consumed the very same 'The Fuck Me Doctor' shot of which mystixxx speaks.

1. I don't like chocolate. Or icecream. Or cake. In fact, I despise the taste of sugar.

2. I don't drink anything other than alcohol and coffee. Really. I don't drink soft drink, water or juice. Ever. But I am still alive.

3. If I am forced to drink water or juice (like when I have a hangover), I can't drink it if the glass is more than 1/3 full.

4. I have had my photo taken with Kate Cerebrano for the local paper due to our uncanny resemblance (15 years ago).

5. I taught myself to play 'Solfegettio' by Bach when I was 5 years old.

6. I have jumped from a plane at 12,ooo feet.

7. I have been chased by the Yakuza in a dark alleyway in Japan.

8. I appeared in a Cadbury television commercial with Professor Julius Sumner Miller.

9. I have done the back-to-back 'who's taller' thing with Kylie Minogue. She was a little taller than me.

10. I watched a certain Australian soap star jerk himself off with a bottle of conditioner whilst I was tripping on acid.

1. I have played pass the orange with Ben Mendhelson
2. I saw Barbara Hepworth's ghost in her studio garden in St Ives (one theory is she spontaneously self combusted there)
3. I was once in a high speed car chase and when caught, my arm forced up my back by some little copper my first words were "can i pull my dress down now?"
4. My father's a freemason and i have seen inside the secret satchel
5. The height of my acting career was starring in a sex education play, wait for it, musical. I had to loose my virginity every night for a week.
6. I once dreamt i had sex with Paul keating and he was a crap lover.
7. I am very modest.

1. I nearly headed off to be a priest at the end of high-school because I thought it would be easier than trying to find a girl who liked me.

2. I was in a doco about Buffy on cable a few years ago.

3. I can dislocate both thumbs as a party drink.

4. I once drank mouthwash to prove to a friend that it was alcoholic. I was right and it was actually quite tasty and refreshing.

5. I'm the inventor of The Healey Effect.

6. I'm known at the Kelvin as "that guy from Sydney who drinks all the martinis". One day I will propose to the redhaired bar girl. oh yes...

7. I once fell over Rob Younger who was pissed on my loungeroom floor when I was living with my sister and her boyfriend. I was pretty unimpressed.

8. In my gothic heyday I could fit into women's size 8 lycra pants. Even worse, I actually wore them.

9. I have deep and abiding personal hatred of Tim Friedman. And yes, it's all about a girl.

10. I licked a Picasso once when no-one at the art gallery was looking.

1. I know how to say "cunt" three different ways in Czech.

2. My mother was the first female watch maker in Australia.

3. Unbeknownst to my grandmother, I used her vibrator (rinsed in hot water before and aft, just for the record) until age sixteen, when I finally purchased my own.

4. My big toes look like an astronaut helmet, circa 1969. Think Neil Armstrong

5. I can deftly drive a speedboat, but not am not yet able to handle an automobile.

6. At age nine I was a St John's Ambulance cadet. So adept was I at CPR (you should have seen me blow into that track suited dummy), that I was awarded the prestigious annual trophy in honour of the fact. Youngest (ahem) recipient in my division ever.

7. I have never believed in father Christmas or the Easter bunny. Not ever.

8. People oft mistake me for Ms Fits. Apparently we look alike. Lucky am I.

9. Both of my tattoos are on another person. My mother and my best mate.

10. I ate Sting Ray for the first time last night. Yummo.

1) I was adopted at birth and flown immediately to Papua New Guinea.

2) Caught Typhoid in Indonesia and recovered on panadol.

3) Once won the Bali Peanuts nightclub drinking contest.

4) Met my birth family in 1995 (no previous contact) and my brother played guitar with the same jazz/rock crossover style that I did.

5) Lived for 6 years in the middle of Kakadu national park.

6) Went to Tony Abbott's school, and turned to anarchism as a result.

7) Was in Dili when Belo came back after winning Nobel Prize. A secret service agent was murdered right in front of me, in the cathedral grounds.

8) While still a virgin I had a benign cyst (ie hard bump) removed from my schlong. Subsequently realised it sits exactly in line with the 'G spot'. Damn.

9) Run over by a car at 15.

10) Stalked by a crocodile, for over an hour, when I was about 9 years old, and standing on a small spit of land surrounded by water. Just after removed by father in boat, a second, larger, crocodile slid down the bank next to where I was standing. Hmmm...

I've blogged my list, too.

Not funny, but all true.

1/. I was the first person in the world to survive from a certain type of lymphatic disorder that I was born with. Doctors told my parents that they would turn off the life support the next morning. When my parents arrived that morning I had fully recovered.

2/. I hope God gets fucked in the arse by the pope, because of the minister from my grandmothers church who told my father that it was because of his sins that I would die.

3/. Caught my mother cheating on my father when I was four.

4/. Developed instant deep hatred for my (previously) favourite relative when at his funeral I found out he was a very active member of the Liberal Party.

5/. Was encouraged by teacher to leave music class in high school because I had no talent.

6/. While writing songs with my favourite song writer of all time he told me that I was the musical equivalent of the guitarist in his band. On other occasions he also compared my musical compositions to that of Neil Finn, Sting, Peter Gabriel and David Bowie.

7/. Did not realise until an hour into conversation that I was drinking with the object of my biggest rock goddess crush. Then once she came back to my place I was so overwhelmed by the constant over the top compliments she gave that I clammed up and allowed her to leave hours later without sex.

8/. Once convinced a much older woman (when I was a young lad) that she would be better off taking me home than the three guys she had organised. Once she awoke late the following morning she declared...
"Gee you sure made up for those three cocks I wanted".

9/. Had a very cunning bisexual female friend who squeezed me out of a very promising conquest. Later (on the same night) I fucked the girl she was after, kissed the guy she was after and left her with nothing.

10/. Have caught up with and slept with all of my previously failed youthful conquests (with the only exception being rock goddess babe).

1. I was born 6 weeks early. My parents had to come up with my name on the spot so the priest could deliver my last rights.
2. My grandfather was Sri John Monash's best man, and was also the high commissioner of Papua New Guinea after WWII.
3. My uncle was beaten up and killed 3 years ago due to mistaken identity. His two murderers died last week in a car accident.
4. I kissed a boy. He is now in the Navy.
5. I have 11 scars on my body due to operations. I have 4 more due to life experience.
6. At age 9 I wanted to be the first person on Mars. The moon was taken.
7. At age 26 I just want a real job.
8. When I'm nervous I bite my lower lip (I'm doing it now)
9. I once spoke to 3 noble prize winners in one night (at a Genetics Conference).
10. I don't like my own body hair, but I don't mind body hair on girls.

1. My aunt's father slept with Marlene Dietrich
2. I was a contestant on The Weakest Link. I never did the walk of shame.
3. My uterus is malformed - it is heart shaped
4. I've been clinically dead
5. When I was 8 I won a roller skating contest at a rink. I got a chokito.
6. I have seen every episode of Buffy (thanks hostile 17. See you at the convention.)
7. My great uncle was a famous composer
8. After my mother's father died she was confronted at the funeral by another family claiming to be my grandfather's real family. It was then she learned she was the product of an unplanned pregnancy between a married man and his mistress.
9. I love to sing Irene Cara's "What a Feeling" from Flashdance.
10. I remember song lyrics even if I don't want to. I have dubbed this condition "phonographic memory".

1. I wasn't named until the point where I'd have to be officially registered as 'Girl' (my brother suffered the same indecisiveness, we refer to each other as 'girl' and 'boy')
2. I told my father I was dehydrated when I was 3 years old. He stopped the car and got me a drink.
3. My parents met on a coach trip in outback Australia (my Dad on the first holiday since he'd started working on the farm when he finished school 10 or so years earlier).
4. I didn't have pizza, or see a movie at the cinema, until I was twelve, and I didn't eat McDonalds, or any other fast food, until I was about fourteen.
5. I've torn one of my finger tendons while rock climbing.
6. I've drunk 100 shots (of beer) in 100 minutes, and I've also attempted a slab of beer in a day, but can never quite make it past the 21 - 23 mark.
7. I didn't see snow until I was 21.
8. I've now been snow camping now as often as I've been overnight hiking.
9. I've spent eight days hiking in South West Tasmania, and didn't see anyone other than my hiking partner for five of those days.
10. I've gotten naked to get a free CD (and also appeared on the news naked).

Hmmm..... nothing quite like an early April pissing contest.

1. When in grade 6, I won a lame competition to write a children's story and ended up having to read it on radio. When it got time to read it, I got all squeaky.. might as well have been a four year old reading it.

2. I may or may not have once allegedly written an application for the Film/TV course at VCA while so completely stoned out of my mind that I don't expect to ever show my face anywhere near that establishment again.

3. I appeared in a TV commercial in Tamworth when I was four.

4. I have appeared on TV news three times since, each time with a different name in the caption. None of these names were actually mine; I made them up.

5. I was once questioned at length by police over some weird incident involving a church and fallen powerlines because I happened to be riding a bike past the incident at 5am. To Broadmeadows. From Carnegie.

6. A Chinese man painted my portrait in Canberra in 1990. The face in the portrait looks Chinese. I am Irish.

7. I have finished a slab in a day. More than once.

8. I recently got to ask Roger Corman face-to-face whether the spaceship in Battle Beyond The Stars was meant to look like a snail with breasts. It was.

9. I have been electrocuted three times.

10. When growing up we were family friends with, and lived around the corner from Joan Child, the first female speaker of the House of Representatives.

Well, I'm not surprised at Fits' list being ridiculously hard to top, or Sherriff's...

(Buck - Mouskouri was pretty hot. A long time ago. Name notwithstanding.)

But christ. How to compare.

Um.

1. I once had a three-hour lunch with John Clarke. Then we emailed a few times until I couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't sad and fanboy-ish so I never replied to his last email. I think it might be a bit late now.

2. I have never been overseas (except to New Zealand, which doesn't count). I am desperate to.

3. I once... actually, let's leave out 3-6. They're a bit too personal for public disclosure at this point, I think.

7. I tried out for every school play from year seven to twelve, and only ever got chorus parts.

8. I directed the Importance of Being Earnest in year 11 for the house play, except that it was too long so we performed it without the entire first act.

9. I have never ever been on television.

10. When I was born I tried to strangle myself with my umbilical cord, and when I was six they discovered I was allergic to penicillin when they pumped me full of it and I stopped breathing.

I've added mine on my own blog. Sadly, it seems my love live is a lot less interesting than everyone else's...

10. I have kept a journal for ten years.
9. At the age of 15 my father started an affair with a married (with children) twenty-six year old woman who later aborted his child.
8. My favorite song is "You Shook Me All Night Long" by ACDC.
7. I have a birthmark on my right cheek and when anyone asks what it is I say "it's mark of Satan."
6. The second guy I slept with was a cheerleader.
5. Deep down, it really doesn't matter to me if I get married. Same with having children.
4. I once insulted Geroge Clooney to his face.
3. I've had a secret crush on Charlie Sheen since "Ferris Buller's Day Off".
2. Once I salsa danced with an exotic dancer on stage at a strip club and won a porn called "Anna's Anal Adventure" for my effort.
1. I can't let any limb fall off the bed in fear that something will grab it and pull me under.

1. At 12, I was on the Children's game "Now You See It" and was champion of champions.
2. When I was 8 I wanted to be a stripper.
3. I was expelled from high school at 14 for drug and alcohol related offences.
4. I lived in the Northern Territory for a year whan I was 19 and nearly lost my mind.
5. I have met Nick Cave, we discussed David Lynch films.
6. I'm related to Baz Luhrmann.
7. 40 people came to my birthday Yum Cha last year. It was the happiest day of my life.
8. My sister and ex boyfriend are having a baby that they concieved one week after our split.
9. I am in love.
10. I have had sex with someone from every continent.

9. I tried to post another comment on here yesterday with several other interesting things about me, but for some reason it failed.

10. I can't be fucked doing it again, even though they were really interesting...

1. I once cut a tendon in my foot 80% of the way through when a glass window feel on it.
2. I went to high school half an hour away from Columbine at the time the massacre happened, my friend knew Eric Harris.
3. I was paid to see "The Wizard of Oz" starring Nikki Webster over fifty times.
4. I once told the boyfriend of Nick Eadie (the man from snowy river and Mamma Mia) that he could "do better" (in front of Nick).
5. I have been to Disneyland three times.
6. My cousin's cousin is married to Harry Connick Jr.
7. I have been in a joyride in a tuk tuk.
8. I hate Tasmania.
9. My Grandpa wears trucker hats, and has for more than 30 years (he is a trend setter).
10. My father once grabbed my arm in a busy car park and yelled, "spam spam spam" in a loud girly voice to test my embarrassment factor.

1. First tried running away from home at 3, eventually succeeded 17 years later.
2. Fell approx 20 ft out of a giant pine tree into a pile of rubbish, told mum I fell off the trike.
3. Threw my trike at a MTT bus when the driver told me to get of the road. This was circa 1975.
4. Had a 1" darning needle in my left foot for three months, no one believed me until mum pulled it out with a magnet.
5. Narrowly missed out appearing on Sale of the Century in 1987.
6. At a public function, walked up to a (then serving) Federal government minister & informed him that his fly was undone.
7. Pranced about at several Fringe Parades, once in a bicycle-themed costume that included a sprocket bra, the whole emsemble later had to be cut off my bruised & bleeding body.
8. Possibly the only cyclist ever attired as a Big Red Fat Cat to ride through Burnley Tunnel.
9. Once jumped off a paling fence onto a Rhodesian Ridgeback attacking my cat. Cat survived, dog got a kicking & I got a tetanus shot.
10. Am planning to ride the 2011 Audax Paris-Brest (1200km), in under 85 hours.

Oh, sorry, I meant to add:

1. I'm getting married to my beloved on Sunday.

Am I the only one who is far more interested in the vagina stitches than anything else?

Wangst McPants

Every continent? Even Antarctica?

1. I have dismissed Bradman.
2. I won a prize in a Rubik's cube contest.
3. I have had plastic surgery.
4. I had a perfect, romantic Christmas.
5. But got dumped two days later.
6. I used to be called "the rubber-band man".
7. I can say "thank you" in Karen hill-tribe
8. I had my heart broken in Wellington
9. I have swum with dolphins.
10. I can still do the Rubik's cube ...

Another alpha post!

Well, I got one more:

11) I once acted as a lawyer on a team in a private international arbitration where our client ran a nuclear power plant that had a major accident, in a Western country, that no-one knows about.

all mindblowing. and proves that everybody is very very interesting, as I have always thought. and all of the above '10 Things' were better than the ones in the weekend australian magazine. peace & love, HB

I'm with ExistAngst... what were the stiches for?

i once played snooker with my dog....... it was fun...................................... she won.....

i had sex with my english teacher..... in front of the teachers!!!!!!

i once had a rabbit, it died, i cried, i got over it, i got a dog, it beat me at snooker......

i want to cry........ because i love mt girlfrend soooooo much

i like messin up web-pages

i like posting things here, its fun!!!!!!!, anyway.......

my dog beat me at snooker.....(sob!)

1. My sis gave me a ciggie @ tha age of 5!!
2. i got raped at tha age of 2
3. OH I JUST CANT GO ON MY LIFE IS WORSE THAN ANY F URS AND M ONLY 12!!

Sorry if that insulted u!! :(:(

My name

1. I am the only person in Canada to go through the Alternative Measures program twice as an adult. Once for destruction of a truck, the other time for weed possesion.

2. I have come close to death innumerable times: crowbar to temple, chocking on my own mucous (severe mononucleosis), brick to base of skull from ten steps up (thrown), two severe car accidents (in one I was the only survivor), escaped house fire at age of nine (went back for cat, failed, escaped) many close shaves on bicycle, cocaine overdose, and many more.

3. I once tortured a guy for three hours in a speedfreaks garage over a $6000 drug debt. I didnt get the money, we let him go, he tried to murder me two days later, prompting my move across the country.

4. I have sold approx. 2000lbs of marijuana over the past four years with a 8 month break. I am now out of the game and have gone legit.

5. I stole a six pack of beer from Marylin Manson's mini fridge after selling weed to him in his bus. He is boring.

6. I egged Leonard Cohen's residence in Montreal and challenged him to a fight when he came to the window. He declined and I went to a bar after.

7. When Sook-Yin Lee (failed Canadian-MTV celeb) asked if she could smoke some of our weed (we were puffing in an alley) I told her to jam it up her ass. She asked if we knew who she was to which I replied "Yes, now fuck off."

8. I currently work for the worlds fastest growing hedge fund utilizing a quantitative mchanical trading program. Quite the reversal!

9. I have written four books of short stories and 3 books of poetry detailing the life of a young alcoholic who was a bit in over his head who ran and made it. The poems are published in magazines surprisingly enough, the stories have yet to see print. I don;t submit and I don't care.

10. I have severe and frightening deja vu's and have experienced these throughout my entire life. I find that if I do not smoke pot the frequency and intensity of these experiences goes through the roof.

1. i farted