The exception which proves the rule.
Reasons to pay $50,000 plus expenses to have sex with Vincent Gallo:
1.
2.
3.
4. 'Potential clients are advised to screen the controversial scene from The Brown Bunny to be sure for themselves that they can fully accommodate all of me. Clients who have doubt may want to test themselves with an unusually thick and large prosthetic prior to meeting me. You may be surprised just how much you can handle and how good it feels.'
5. (please note: there is a rather graphic depiction of a penis in this next one)
Told you.
*faints*
Reasons to perhaps pause for reflection before parting with aforementioned $50,000 plus expenses:
1. 'I've been on 125 magazine covers worldwide during my career which is a lot for an unknown person who doesnt have a career and I've written about 200 articles in all kinds of magazines, and I'd like to let you know that there is media bias in an extreme way against the Republican Party. I have never been quoted in any article that I've been interviewed for saying anything positive in any way about the Republican Party.'
2. Grating provocateur Vincent Gallo, whom Roger Ebert unfavorably compared to watching his own colonoscopy, is too loudly proclaiming his allegiance to the G.O.P as often as possible - gushing in interviews over President Bush ("wonderful"), Richard Nixon ("I've always loved Richard Nixon"), Ronald Reagan (a "wonderful and classy hero") and New York governor George Pataki ("Underrated genius").
...Like Trent Lott and Ann Coulter, Gallo has made stunningly racist public statements. Like Condoleeza Rice, Gallo has called Kids screenwriter Harmony Korine a "mini-dwarf, faggot, date-raper".
3. 'Why isn't the Veterans Day parade down fifth avenue? The people who secure our nation get a couple blocks in Brooklyn while the fags and spics get Fifth Avenue.'
4. Nixon has always been Vincent Gallo's idol. On the day of Nixon's unjust resignation, a young Gallo cried his beautiful heart out. That night before falling asleep he prayed and asked God to save a special place for him when it was time for Nixon to go to heaven.
5. 'Let's talk about how ridiculous handicap parking is.'
6. Mr. Gallo maintains the right to refuse sale of his sperm to those of extremely dark complexions. Though a fan of Franco Harris, Derek Jeter, Lenny Kravitz and Lena Horne, Mr. Gallo does not want to be part of that type of integration. In fact, for the next 30 days, he is offering a $50,000 discount to any potential female purchaser who can prove she has naturally blonde hair and blue eyes. Anyone who can prove a direct family link to any of the German soldiers of the mid-century will also receive this discount. Under the laws of the Jewish faith, a Jewish mother would qualify a baby to be deemed a member of the Jewish religion. This would be added incentive for Mr. Gallo to sell his sperm to a Jew mother, his reasoning being with the slim chance that his child moved into the profession of motion picture acting or became a musical performer, this connection to the Jewish faith would guarantee his offspring a better chance at good reviews and maybe even a prize at the Sundance Film Festival or an Oscar.
Honestly. Is he taking the piss as some kind of provocative marginalist art-piece? I can't even tell anymore. And part of me doesn't want to know IN CASE HE'S TOTALLY SERIOUS AND I HAVE TO CROSS HIM OFF MY TO-DO LIST.
Me: But what if he loves George Bush?
B: Well, that's possible. Could you still fuck him?
Me: Maybe. I don't know. No.
B: Okay, think of it this way. Imagine he was Australian...
Me: And still looked like he does in that sailor suit photo?
B: Still looked like that.
Me: Mmmm...
B: And imagine instead of loving George Bush he loved John Howard.
Me: ......
B: Like, really loved him.
Me: .......
B: Could you still fuck him then?
Beat.
Me: ....probably not.
B: There you go, then.
Long pause.
Me: What if it was a hatefuck though? Would that be okay? I promise I wouldn't enjoy it.
PLEASE ADVISE.
p.s. Start saving. My birthday is May 26th.
381 days til the next election.
Comments
>>You may be surprised just how much you can handle and how good it feels.
what? has he inserted his "unusually thick and large" penis into his own vagina?
YES, buffalo 66 is amazing.
YES, that sailor suit pic makes me seven kinds of tingly.
NO, you should not pay to fuck him
But by all means fuck the hot lunatic if its free.
I really, really hope VG has his tongue planted firmly in his cheek on this one. And although I could have honestly professed my (now slowly dying) LOVE for all his dirty Brown Bunny goodness, something tells me otherwise...
There's something HOT but dirty and really quite scary about that exchange in the convenience store at the start of the film ('please', 'please come with me').
I agree with la nadine - (hot) lunatic. He can't be held accountable for his seriously misguided political slant. Do it.
Like Condoleeza Rice, Gallo has called Kids screenwriter Harmony Korine a "mini-dwarf, faggot, date-raper".
well this is definitely the best sentence ever to contain the words 'Like Condoleeza Rice'.
I haven't seen Buffalo 66 or the Brown Bunny (and feeling somewhat deprived)but even with the temptations you've described how, oh how could you go past the enchanting come-on lines he uses in the spruik for services you linked to....
VG: "....even black chicks can have me if they can pay the bill .. ... $200,000 buys the lesbos a weekend."
Utterly tempting. Especially if you're black or a lesbo or god forbid, a black lesbo.
Don't do it. You'll just feel dirty - and not in a good way!
From a purely Art/Apolitical base*:
Reasons to:
Buffalo 66
Reasons not to:
Brown Bunny
Sorry but I fucking HATED that film, specially as I was the one who picked it in the DVD shop and all those in my living room at the time blamed me for it.
Do you know how uncomfortable that blow job scene is to watch in a room full of your 'bro's'?
*who the fuck am I kidding? As if I of all people am capable of seperating the art from politics.
Hmmm.....I might just have a solution. That picture of his penis looks like it swings to the left more than the right, in which case surely you are allowed to fuck his "throbbing lefty schlong" while holding his head to one side and screaming, DON'T LOOK AT ME, or something to that effect. Or you could just sit naked in a chair on the opposite side of the room calling to him, in which case he would have to cross the floor to cover you in his gallo ns.
Eww. I can't believe I just wrote that and it turned me on.
the man knows alot about prosthetics I take it....
That AINT a real penis...no way! he is totally faking it.
what about the sperm donor article!?? freaky shit
He's not attractive though! He's touching himself while doing "Blue Steel"! Why on earth would you want to hhave sex with this man???
with apologies in advance but vincent gallo is a prize-winning fuckwit who should be ignored.
*runs away*
His knob is a bit odd looking. It's tapered towards the end, which is dangerously close to pencil-dick status.
REASONS NOT TO!
Pfffft. I've seen way bigger, and not just in porn, either. Sounds like an A-grade fuckwit if you ask me. You can do better, Fits. Next!
Okay. Vincent Gallo is obscenely hot -- in a 'Butt Magazine' kind of way -- but he strikes me as a nasty cunt who happens to have a pretty face.
I'm teaching at the moment, and one of my students fits this description perfectly. He has flawless skin and amazing cheek bones...
... but he is also an A-Grade fucktard from Shitsville.
Fits, it surprised even me how quickly his hideous personality overshadowed his ridiculous good looks. And I'm seven shades of shallow.
BUT THEN AGAIN, IF VINCENT GALLO WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR PJ HARVEY THEN WHY NOT.
Just do it, Benjamin. TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM.
I can't believe this is a real thing on a minor 'celebrity' merch page. So he's willing to fly to Australia for the 'event'.
Fits, I'll throw a few bob your way in fundraising, but does that mean I get a pash from him when he's over here?
Okay. It has come to this. You and me, Fits:
LET'S PIG-ON-A-SPIT VINCENT GALLO.
Thus (!), we'll be fucking him, but at the same time showing this rudely hot Republican who's boss around here.
WIN-WIN.
Am I blind and/or retarded? Not only do I not think he's attractive, I will go as far as saying he is actively unattractive.
He'd have to pay me for sex.
How does one prove one is a "real woman?" I believe plastic surgery can be very convincing these days. ;)
But reading that page he seems like a real piece of work, in order for you to shag him and then get out the room without strangling him you might have to ask him to duct tape his mouth - just say it's a part of your fantasy. After all you're paying the bill..
He is a Republican and has dated (fucked) Paris Hilton. That should answer your question.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGKA7Q8jdlE
This is from a show called "Republicans in Hollywood"
Make what you will of it.
check out
http://contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/gallo%20laughs%20off%20%20underage%20love_1011833
I hope the link works.
I have been in love with Vincent Gallo for years and recently he auctioned a date with him on ebay for $50000. As long as he could sit in silence for the date I would have bid on it.
unfortunate that Gallo just BEGS to be rhymed.
witness:
Vincent Gallo, he's so shallow
Promised me deep, but gave me shallow
What a guy, pity he's so shallow
that's supposedly big? my cock is bigger than that.
Can we talk about Christina Ricci instead? Now she is one fucking hottie...the only good thing in Buffalo 66...
Comments are closed.