Reasons you will hate me

The first step is admitting you have a problem.

1. Do you ever watch more Big Brother than you planned?


- I always make a promise to myself not to watch BB Up Late because it’s so mind-numbingly inane, and yet if it’s on and I’m still awake, things just happen…


2. Has Big Brother interfered with your job?


- How else could you keep up with constant changes on the BB official and unofficial website if you didn’t press 'refresh' half hourly? SERIOUSLY.


3. Is your Big Brother viewing causing conflict with your spouse or family?


- Only when they tell me Terri wasn’t so bad after all, or that Ryan deserves to win. He is a lunk-headed cocknose.


4. Do you feel depressed, guilty, or remorseful after you watch Big Brother?


- Yes. I am smarter, stronger and better than this. Plus I write tv for a living, so reality television is essentially doing me out of a job.


5. Do you watch Big Brother almost continuously until the supply is exhausted?


- Yes. I have also re-read diary updates on the website for no other reason than to satisfy my cravings and to make me feel superior to other people doing the quiz .


6. Have you ever experienced sinus problems or nosebleeds due to Big Brother?


- No, but I cut my hand open on The Mummy Returns ride at Dreamworld when I visited for an eviction.


7. Do you ever wish that you had never taken that first line, hit, or injection of Big Brother?


- Yes. Oh my god, yes.


8. Have you experienced chest pains or rapid or irregular heartbeats when watching Big Brother?


- Yes. Particularly during eviction shows when Gretel repeats ‘It’s time to go…’ and then leaves an interminable pause without saying anyone’s name JUST TO DRIVE ME CRAZY, FUCKING SHE-MALE BALLBAG.


9. Do you have an obsession to watch Big Brother when you don't have it?


- I’d rather be watching the live feed right now than doing this quiz, if that’s what you mean.


10. Are you experiencing financial difficulties due to Big Brother?


- Virgin Airlines return ticket to Queensland - $350. Car hire - $175. Accommodation on the Gold Coast - $310. Day pass to Dreamworld plus eviction cocktails and Gold reserved seating - $120. Clinging onto lost ‘ironic pop culture’-esque youth with a desperation bordering on revolting – priceless.


11. Do you experience an anticipation high just knowing you are about to watch Big Brother?


- Yes. Particularly if it’s Uncut and I’m about to see Trevor's cock.


12. After watching Big Brother, do you have difficulty sleeping without taking a drink or another drug?


- Yes. But I have difficulty sleeping without taking a drink or another drug most nights.


13. Are you absorbed with the thought of watching Big Brother even while interacting with a friend or loved one?


- Put it this way. I was watching Paul Kelly play beautiful music in the Arts Centre at 8pm on a Sunday thinking: ‘Someone’s been evicted. Someone’s sitting on that stage right now with Gretel. I wonder who it could be? I wonder when I'm going to get to watch the video?'


14. Have you begun to watch Big Brother alone?


- Yes. Preferably with no pants on.


15. Do you ever have feelings that people are talking about you or watching you?


- Yes. I also have feelings that people come and read my blog, but that’s possibly delusional.


16. Do you watch more Big Brother to get the same high you once experienced?


- Live streaming is a natural progression and nothing to be ashamed of.


17. Have you tried to quit or cut down on watching Big Brother only to find that you couldn't?


- Yes. Oh my god, yes.


18. Have any of your friends or family suggested that you may have a problem?


- My mother cries a lot. But that could also be due to aforementioned drink and drug use.


19. Have you ever lied to or misled those around you about how much or how often you watch Big Brother?


- Only when it’s someone I would want to impress who might find it lame, like Greg The Boyfriend or Fabrizio Moretti . And Bob Ellis . If Bob Ellis asked me, I’d deny all knowledge.

20. Do you watch Big Brother in your car, at work, in the bathroom, on airplanes, or other public places?


- I don’t watch it in the bathroom, but I certainly pretend I’m on the show while I’m doing a wee.


21. Are you afraid that if you stop watching Big Brother your work will suffer or you will lose your energy, motivation, or confidence?


- On the contrary. I’d probably be able to get things done. And my hair would probably be shinier.

22. Do you spend time with people or in places you otherwise would not be around but for the availability of Big Brother?


- My friendship with fellow addict (and owner of wide-screen projector tv) Dirty Derek seems to have blossomed since he’s started holding Sunday night eviction drinks.


23. Have you ever stolen drugs or money from friends or family?


- Yes. But I hardly find that relevant.




If you have answered Yes to any of these questions, you may have a cocaine problem. There is an answer...come to meetings of Cocaine Anonymous, read the literature and join us...we want to help.

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