The Secret Diary of Mark Latham, aged 13 3/4*.
Wednesday January 7th
Kevin came round on his new bike this morning. It has got a water bottle, a milometer, a speedometer, a yellow saddle, and very thin racing wheels. It's wasted on Kevin. He only goes to the shops and back on it. If I had it, I would go all over the country and have an experience.
I have decided to call him 'Krud', as an abbreviation. Ha! Ha! Ha!
My spot or boil has reached its peak. Surely it can't get any bigger!
I found a word in my dictionary that describes Kim Beazely. It is malingerer. He is still in bed playing Battleship.
Epiphany is something to do with the three wise men. Big deal!
Sunday September 6th
Gough's house looks great. Everything is dead clean and shiny. We have moved his bed into the lounge so he can watch television in bed. Janine's father has made a flap in the back door so that Gough doesn't keep having to get up to answer the door to me.
Monday September 7th
An air-mail letter from John Kerry:
Hiya Marky L!
Howya doin? I hope the situation JWH-wise is chilling! Sounds kinda zappy! The election here blew my mind! It was so far out as to be nuked! You're a great human being, Marky. I guess I was kinda traumatized when he rapped but Dr. Eagleburger (my shrink) is doing great things with my libido. Don't you think the fall is a drag? Son-of-a-bitch leaves everywhere!
See you, buddy!!!! John 'The Kay'.
I showed it to Julia, Kevin and Gough but nobody understands it. Gough doesn't like Americans because it took them too long to come into the war or something.
Wednesday November 2nd
Lousy stinking Parliament on Thursday. I tried my old suit on but I have outgrown it so badly that Jenny M is being forced to buy me a new one tomorrow. She is going up the wall, but I can't help it if my body is in a growth period, can I? I am only five centimeters shorter than Justin Madden now. My thing remains static at twelve centimeters.
754 days til the next election.
*with humblest of apologies etc etc to Sue Townsend.
Comments
That's actually really funny.
And add another person to the list of teenagers who grew up with the first two books in their toilet.
who's Mark Latham anyway???
Are people's memories so short - it isn't like Andrew Peacock said anything negative when Howard was trying to roll him when he was leader of the opposition - "from memory didn't he call him a "little fucken cunt" on the phone to Kennet - and no one in the liberal aprty said anything negative about Mr "things that batter" when he was stuffing up as opposition leader!!!
If I is going down, den I be takin' all you conga line honkies with me.
Sad. So sad.
Hee, you funny lady. Kate Ellis could be his Pandora.
Poor ole Swear Bear. Whilst he does damage, I still love him so.
Doesn't look very well though, does he?
He looks dreadful. He used to be kinda hot. Poor man, I want to take him home and feed him soup.
i once heard some slander that marky mark punched samuel johnson in the cunt at a northern university campus
LOL. Love your work.
Do you happen to have access to a copy of Dubya's diary? Love to find out what happens in his life...
Bring back Latham!
Bring back Latham!
I'm starting a campaign.
Howard is a "little fucken cunt", there's nothing controversial in that statement.
As for this post, I don't get it, why are you just extracting his diaries verbatum?
georges diary doesn't bear thinking about..
black rebel activities club
i sent an invite to a yahoo adress if it doesn't get you let me know.
we salute you ms fits...
I seem to recall that Folly C not only congratulated Latham via email when he was elected the "saviour of Australia", but bragged about receiving a positive reply from him to 3RRR's breakfast audience. As I recall, she acted as though she had received a message from God. How about creating and/or publishing a diary of your delusional thoughts from the summer of 2003/2004, Folly? Be sure not to leave out the references to how well your scripts were "progressing"!
Ma. Pa. It is my pleasure, as usual.
Boy, that FollyC sure sounds like a kook.
Folly C*, is the above accusation true?
DID YOU NOT KNOW BACK THEN THAT MARK WOULD BEHAVE THE WAY HE HAS IN 2005? CAN YOU NOT SEE THE FUTURE?!
Fuck you and your non-soothsaying ways. Fuck them. I'm completely disillusioned.
*NB HAHAHAHAHAH he turned the 'H' into an 'F' and boy, did he show you up. How does it make you feel? Does it make you happy, Jolly C? Gonna move to India soon, Bolly C? Start impersonating Ian Meldrum, Molly C? This is bloody gold and could continue indefinitely. Or at least twenty two more times, albeit with increasing nonsensicalness.
or...you could even change other letters to be REALLY cleverly nasty:
Hep C
Ho C
ummm...
Hitamin C
we is so clever it's just shattering
Why stop there? Slight changes to ANY name can lead to HILARIOUS results. Let's throw another pseudonym into the Wit-o-nator (patent pending) and see what pops out, shall we?
Ms Fits
*sounds of machinery rumbling then five short, sharp 'pops'*
Ms Shits
Ms Clits
Ms Writs
Ms Tits
Ms Stilts
Stilts? What the fuck? This thing is broken.
*kicks it hard*
*names begin churning out in a furious speedy fashion*
MS TWIT MS SPIT MS CHIT MS LITS MS PITS MS HITS MS SITS MS WITS MS SHIZITITITITSPICHFITTTTTSSTSSSSSSSSS....
*a loud explosion. the air is thick with smoke. the Wit-o-nator has destroyed itself. the sound of gentle weeping can be heard offstage*
Fin
*bows*
"DID YOU NOT KNOW BACK THEN THAT MARK WOULD BEHAVE THE WAY HE HAS IN 2005?"
I think anybody who had of thought about it would have realised this because Latham was/is from the ALP Right (not that the Parliamentary ALP Left is much better), of course he was going to be a fuckwit in 2005, because he was a fuckwit in 2004, 2003, 2002, 2001 etc.
Remember his great idea of "ordinary" Australians owning shares. Look what has happened when "ordinary" Australians have brought shares in Telstra and The Commonwealth Bank. In tunrs people into even greedier fuckers who want the share price to increase through the sacking of employees on mass.
The fact that they would take such a neo-con as leader, as well as taking the Christian Fundamentalist Peter Garrett (no I'm not joking; ladies this guy is a right-to-lifer) indicates just how morally bankrupt the ALP is. Go the Greens at the Marrickville by-election on Saturday!
Well I feel better. Please feel free to abuse me and my comment if it will make you feel better.
Hey, "fits" spelt backwards is "stif". Hurhur. Cause it's "stiff" that...ummm...ah, fuck it.
*Kicks Alex Anarcho-Syndicalist hard*
Well I feel better. Please feel free to abuse me and my comment if it will make you feel better.
Why would I do that? You're entitled to an opinion, champy. You didn't deliver it in a cunty abusive way so disagree or agree with whoever you like whenever you want x
Anyone who had taken the time to look at Latham's history, and past the cheap saviour mentality that was displayed here as much as anywhere, would have judged the man on the courage of his convictions rather then been swept up in the Latham circus. He never would have made leader had Labour been capable of electing a leader that truly desrves the title.
That Labour would so quickly turn, that no one has come out in defence of the man, vindicates vote in 2004. That Labour would so quickly label him mad, rather than a man with every right to speak out against the corrupt Labour core, speaks volumes for your chances come election time.
Everyone was silent when he displayed the same attitude, though cooled by the Labour spin doctors, as long as it was directed outward.
Don't forget that Latham was the quintessential Labour man, from the beginning of his career the end, he was Labour. Cowards.
I would love a nickname like Folly, those mad buildings with obligatory hermit were cool. Ms Fits can I be Folly B, or Folly D?
I'll let you be the hermit...
I must say I was saddened by the nicknames devised by Latham. Where's the wit? Here's some nicknames I devised for Latham.
The blight on the hill.
The lone danger.
The adder of abort unity.
Off Whitlam - if only Folly C printed that on a cushion she'd really be in business! Oh, the irony!
The Capital City Goofball - the mascot from The Simpsons who said: "...just squeeze the wheeze!"
Arse-Snickers.
The mare of shiver pool - didn't Latham fuck up a swimming pool project while he was Mayor of Liverpool? Gedd-ee-up!
A monger fine of potholes.
A monger fine of plot-holes.
The Port Adelaide pie - for Collingwood's former man in Canberra who wore a Port Adelaide scarf on Grand Final Day last year.
Brut 44. For the ladies.
Shakesnear.
Shakesjeer.
That reformed character.
That informed character - in reference to the fictional briefings he said he received concerning Iraq.
The incredible sulk - in reference to his belated response to the tsunami.
Duffy's duffer - Michael Duffy couldn't decide whether Latham or Abbott was the most talented politician of their generation.
Party pooper.
Biff, as in "Don't bring back the!"
Now as for seeing into the future, you're not suggesting Andrew Bolt is a prophet, are you?
Ma. Pa.
I'll be back.
Super. Can't wait.
Who were those Latham nicknames devised for the benefit of, Onemichael? The imaginary friends living inside your television whom you'd shout them at during Today Tonight?
Dammit that just made me PMSL which was really shameful because I'm at work. Luckily Fergie the Pee/Pea did it first so I just pretended it was fashion.
Hey kids,
Can anyone remember the venue of the Shnitz 'n' Titz? I want to take some chicks there to experience the raw excellence of mandom.
Thanks.
It's the Newmarket in Inkerman street, Adam. Be sure to book.
Can I come? I like boobies.
Latho made a Wolly out of all of us.
Thanks.
I guess.... but only if you promise not to be good. The very second I find you behaving we'll all be packing up and going straight home.
Here's two more nicknames for Latham. Should I give credit to Adam?
Jim Morrison. Break on through, break on through, break on through, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, YEAH!
The crash test dummy.
As someone with an utterly unhealthy obsession with all things townsend (adrian mole is the reason i have a blog) that has affected me on far too many levels. Brilliant, tho I think a Beazley/Baxter analogy would have been apt too.
I suppose the nickname Forest Gump has already been used and abused in regards to Latham.
I'm not coming back.
You are just as pathetic as the politicians who run this country having to result in slander and callous rumours to get your opinion across. Why dont you make your time proactive and campaign for a greater cause. God know's in this day and age we need it.
Very sad.
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