the Wizards of Oz.
Last night I managed to catch a little of Oz on television, which I watched mostly due to two INCREDIBLY DISTURBING AND REVELATORY conversations I had over the weekend during which I learned things I don't think a lady should ever learn, particularly one of such delicate constitution as myself.
Here is the first one:
1. SPOONING.
Dave the Scot: So what happens is, one guy comes into another guys cell and gives him, you know, a spoon.
Me: This isn't going to end in hugs, is it.
Dave the Scot: No. So he gives him the spoon and says 'lick this'.
Sugar: Oh dear.
Dave the Scot: The guy licks it and gives it back, and then the other guy - well, you know.
Me: No.
Deb: Makes him a cup of tea?
Dave the Scot: Sticks it up his arse.
Beat.
Dave the Scot: You know, to clean him out. Before he rapes him.
Me: Jesus christ.
Dave the Scot: The bloke on Oz was pretty rough with it, too. Thorough, you might say.
Silence as everyone digests this piece of information.
Deb: The next time some boy asks me to spoon him I'm going to just walk away.
2. BRONZING UP.
Fluffy: What it is, it's like a prison thing. And when the prisoners want to go 'woohoo!' they bronze up.
Me: That sounds nice.
Fluffy: Oh, it's not nice. Not in any way.
Me: Do tell.
Fluffy: So they want to run around the prison going 'woohoo' and they don't want the screws to touch them, right? So they smear themselves in poo. All over their body. Until they're, you know, nice and bronzed.
Me: .......
Fluffy: And then they can run around going 'woohoo!' and the warden won't come near them.
Me: Woohoo as in 'yay' or woohoo as in 'riot in cell block 11'?
Fluffy: Not sure. Both I think,
Me: Oh my god.
Fluffy: Makes you look at Ambre Solaire a bit differently, doesn't it?
Me: Why do you tell me these things?
Fluffy: I like to share.
*******************
Next time you see me and want to share one of these interesting prison practices, please don't. I'm not made for such things. Also, why did they have to take a nice word like 'spooning' and turn it rapey? Why couldn't they have called it 'Clean Em Up 3000' or something like that?
Honestly, men of remand. CONSIDER SOMEONE ELSE FOR A CHANGE.
333 days til the next election.
Comments
I also hate how good words get corrupted. Soon there will be no happy place I can go to with words.
The emotional scars caused by the spooning episode will never heal. Who thought something as innocent as a spoon could jolt me from my sleep, sweating and gripping the sheets in terror.
You should see what they do with a spork, Anon.
Might I suggest Jerry Seinfeld in Oz for some light relief?
Not to mention the staple-gun. That I would find a program which is so often horrific to be such compelling viewing made me wonder if I had some loose-ish screws. That I now find myself watching Girls of the Playboy Mansion with the same car-crash fascination suggests that the indictment has been signed, sealed & served on that particular count.
oh god, I watch Girls of the Playboy Mansion too. Let's enjoy this train ride to hell together.
Apparently it's a great Australian prison tradition, you know...
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Bronzing+Up
I always read your blog over lunch. Clearly after today I can never, ever read it over lunch again. I'm going to feel ill for the rest of the day.
The delicious chocolate treats I prepared are not looking quite as appetising as they were earlier...
I do apologise, Anon. If it's any consolation I was eating roast chicken during the 'bronzing' conversation. So I do know how you feel.
That does make me feel somewhat better.
Roast chicken at Meredith, boy you are upmarket!
It's amazing the topics that get discussed over a weekend in the country.
I was going to mention him on the Q&A but since the OZ topic was brought up...
A wrong crush:
How bloody sexy is/was Christopher Meloni's character Chris Keller?
A complete sociopath but I want to touch him (unbronzed version).
IF YOU REALLY LOVED HIM YOU WOULD SEE PAST THE EXCREMENT, LITAHNEE.
I know your post was lighthearted, though deeply disturbing on another level. But it does raise the question, never far from my frontal lobe when confronted with issues of prisoner behaviour.
That question is: knowing full well that such behaviour goes on, is perhaps even encouraged by locking violent, often disturbed, anti-social people in confined spaces for extended periods of time, what exactly are prisons supposed to achieve?
Punishment? Certainly got that in spades.
Penance? Again, can't imagine anyone isn't sorry about being there.
Pay back? Knowing this is happening to someone who has wronged you would be satisfying, I'm sure
Rehabilitation? Hmmm, that these people get out and re-offend is in any way surprising?
Prisons are a moral minefield, and I don't think I've ever been happy with the compromise that we have inherited.
As in 'Love me, love my scat?'
Very true....
i think Oz is one of the better shows on TV. sure, it's confronting and offensive, but you need that a little, to remind you of what you cherish
it's funny you should post this because i just finished covering myself in shit with a spoon. what are the odds!
The internet is full of weird coincidences, Anon.
Also: You and your bretheren are welcome here.
Just to cheer you all up after the spooning/bronzing discussion - in 1998, a study by Southern Cross University lecturer David Heilpern reported that 25% of male prisoners in NSW admit to being sexually assaulted - and they're just the ones who are able to talk about it...
hmmm. i'm picking up a slight inconsistency here. you're telling me men in prison who want to rape someone else up the bum shovels the poo out first with a spoon, presumably so they won't get their doodles dirtied.
YET these same men will riot/skip around joyfully covered in poo which supposedly prevents the screws from being able to control them.
or do the rapers not do the woo-woo run? are these mutually exclusive groups?
[adjusts spectacles]
OOOhhh, I love Oz.
I saw the spooning incident and all the males in the room at the time (1 man, 1 cat) cried out in pain. I'm not usually one for man-on-man action (or celebrity crushes, come to think of it) but Christopher Meloni is hot!!
god, i always wondered what that spoon thing meant when i heard the boys at work say it. i think i'd rather have stayed ignorant... gross. really, really gross.
And then the spoonee tests HIV positive...
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