Reasons you will hate me

Things about Steak.

Last night I fulfilled a long-held dream to go to A and V Lazar's Steakhouse and Grill . For anyone who lives in Melbourne, it's the fortress-like brown-brick place in Johnson street that looks as though it belongs in a 1970's Austrian porn film about lactating milkmaids.
Anyhow, here are some things that happened.
1. I lured a former vegetarian to the dark side.
At first Gen was doubtful. 'Do they have anything else apart from steak?' she asked. 'Dude, it's a steakhouse,' I said to her.
'What about fish?' asked Gen.
'No fish. Steak. Steak.'
'Do they have vegetables?'
'They have coleslaw. With the steak.'
Eventually we were able to persuade her to eat bloodied meat. But I think she felt guilty the entire meal.


2. The interior decorator maybe worked on your childhood holiday house in 1973.
Not only a giant snow-covered mountain landscape and, inexplicably, a ship's steering wheel gracing the dining room, but also a giant wooden fork over the till. Oh, and um, photographs of wine and stuff like your grandma had in her pantry crammed in with the lemon butter and preserves.


3. They don't have pictures of cows on the walls.
No. They have pictures of steers. Fucking everywhere. Steers at play, steers relaxing in the meadows, steers on holiday. I know they're steers and not cows because I went to have a look and the kindly waiter held my hand and told me they were steers and not cows and it was a common mistake and I wasn't to feel foolish, not at all, and my, didn't I have soft skin?
There was also a cow - sorry, steer - head on the wall. So in case it wasn't clear to you when you were eating your steak what fucking dead animal it came from, you could glance up and be reminded. I like this for many reasons.


4. There is a $59.00 set menu.
And it consists of, I shit you not, beef soup, beef sausages, sir or madam's choice of steak cut and then strawberry pancakes for afters. Gold. I dare someone to go and eat this.


5. We ate eye fillet steak. Rare.
They bring the steaks out on a silver platter and fork them onto your plate. With nothing else. There is just a big, fuckoff steak sitting in the middle of your plate and you add either horseradish or dijon mustard and you eat the fuck out of it. The waiters stand around looking pleased and trying to peer down your top. You may also have coleslaw and french fries to enhance your steakular experience.


6. If you don't have dessert you are a big pussy who probably watched Webster instead of Diff'rent Strokes.
Two words. Lemon. Crepes. Fuck . This place could not be any more in a seventies' time warp. Gen got jam crepes and MattyB got strawberry pancakes and we were all in heaven.


7. If you eat eye fillet steak rare you will wake up at 1:30am with palpitations and bugs under your skin.
And it will have been totally worth it. STEAK!!




28 days til Gabi comes home.
1088 days til the next election.

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