Things my mother has said or done to me in public which I've let her say or do**:
1. Call me 'Gert' or 'Gertie'.
2. Spit on her hand and wipe my face with it when I was over the age of seven.*
3. Flirt with my boyfriends.
4. In queues for the bank, start singing show tunes from 'Hello Dolly' or 'Godspell' at the top of her voice, then turn to me and shout: 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING ALL THE WAY OVER THERE? AM I EMBARRASSING YOU? LOOK, SHE'S BLUSHING, HAHA'.
5. Squeeze my bottom.
6. Buy me sexy underwear. Last night I received one pair of leopard-print hipsters, one pair of brown lace french knickers and one red lace bra. She even made me try them on in front of her, the SICKO.
7. Introduce me to Jason Donovan when I was a gangly, button-bosomed twelve year-old and say: 'WHATEVER'S THE MATTER? SAY HELLO!'
8. Stand up at the football and scream, red-faced: 'YOU FUCKING MORON, UMP! WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH YOU, YOU WHITE MAGGOT?' then sit down muttering 'Disgraceful. Bloody disgraceful' while around her others look on in horror.
9.Grab my boobs and announce to whoever's listening: 'I made these. Aren't they lovely? I made them'.
*notice she spat on her hand . NOT A TISSUE. HER HAND.
**p.s. I love my mother and won't hear a word against her.
Comments
I hated the spit-finger wipe. I got it all the time.
I like calling my mother on the phone and telling her I have this small bit of sauce dried and stuck to my chin and there's nothing she can do about it.
Why is your mom particularly proud of your breasts? Do they do things that other breasts don't? My mom took credit for my smile, though it doesn't do anything but smile and it don't even use it all that often.
Kranki -
1) It's not 'mom', it's 'mum'. You are on an Australian blog and you will leave your filthy Yank-speak at home, please.
2) I don't doubt that your smile is used a great deal more now that you have found me. You didn't need to say it, I just read between the lines.
3) My breasts don't do anything exciting like glow neon or play 'Tainted Love' when tweaked - my mother just seems to like them. Bless.
two words:
beer flavoured nipples
/ brett
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