Things not to say on a first date.
- (lascivious expression, toying suggestively with fried olive) 'You know...mummy wants to play tonight. You want to play with mummy? You want to deposit some loose change in mummy's furry purse?'
- 'God, Tony Abbott's hot. Don't you just want to pick him up by the balls and tongue-kiss his perineum?
- 'Well, I guess we'd better head home before the babysitter stumbles across my secret dungeon and I'm forced to slit her neck and bury her in a shallow grave, ahahahaa.'
- 'Suck it.'
- 'That's so funny! I've actually got a tattoo of Daryl Somers on my arse cheeks! And when I bend over it looks like he's saying 'WOT CHEEZES ME OFF'!! Do you want your photo taken with it?'
- (in low, frightening voice)'Please don't look at me. It makes me angry. And you don't want to make Papa angry now, do you?'
- 'Wanna see my buboe? I think it's just starting to weep.'
- 'How's about oo-yay and ee-may go ome-hay for some utt-bay ex-say?'
- 'Actually, I'd prefer it if we didn't eat Asian food. Gooks give me a rash.'
910 days til the next election.
Comments
Hi, I'm kind of staying in my ex-girlfriend's house still, so do you want to go to my office and fuck?
Funnily enough, that last one is actually the perfect thing to say if you're on a date with Tony Abbott.
That, and 'please pass the cyanide'.
Pig Latin. Winner.
What's wrong with the first one?
"excuse me, can you please hold still while I abominate your peach drain?"
Buck, I dare you to try it.
I was waiting for the last line: 'Guess which one of these I have never said?' and felt genuinely surprised it wasn't there. See, my expectations for how outrageous your life is are so high.
I heard a friend being told:
"Hi, my name's Jenny, and I've got .... milk"
Nothing sexier than a lasciviously lactating lass to woo you into vomiting.
...the last one was the best. It works on several levels and made me feel a range of emotions.
"lets cut the crap and go straight to the sex".
Memories of a by gone age- must check out Ugly Dave.
(waggling penis at eye level)"Booky wants in"
Repeat.
"suck it"? Thanks Ms fits, now I see why my sex-life has been going so horribly wrong.
I've been saying the wrong things on the first date, and looking like this bloke hasn't helped either.
Looking at my breasts with a big smile as if he has a chance in hell of coming in contact with m'ladies ,"Well they're nice!"
"BITTY"
"BITTY!"
What of the classic overheard line from an RSL: "Well, I'm on the blob, but you can come home and crack me up the shitter..."
"your friends are... interesting"
"lets go back to your house so i can ravage you"
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