Things to love about staying away from home.
I am currently searching for accommodation in Canberra and it is pleasing me greatly. Not only because staying in hotels is generally a cause for great excitement (nudie one-person olympics held in the bathroom/kitchenette arena etc) but because through online perusal one is treated to a PHOTOGRAPHIC GLIMPSE OF PERFECTION.
per example:
This is not only my dream hotel water feature, it is my dream future-house-in-the-country lobby. I want to swish past this upon returning home from work of an evening and exclaim to my long-suffering husband that I've had the most hellish of days and if he doesn't fix me a martini post-haste I will throw a certifiable hissy.
Look at those pastels! Marvellous.
You know you'll be staying at a quality hotel when they not only show you photographs of the food, but the culinary examples on offer resemble a few paltry lettuce leaves decorated with raw spanish onion and served with two empty glasses. Residents of Guantanamo Bay, your supper is ready.
Advertised: high-tech fitness centre with state of the art equipment.
Reality: Ex 'creche space' feat. broken stairmaster and rowing machine once pissed on by Warwick Capper.
Who wouldn't want to stay somewhere that spends such a painstaking amount of time fashioning the bath towels into decorative and practical rosettes? Yet how can one reconcile the need to dry oneself off with the BLATANT DESTRUCTION OF ART?
Canberrian poolside area? Or Hefner's infamous Playboy grotto?
Just look at the sunlight playing off the spa steam. It's a gangbang waiting to happen, people. Note generous amount of towels (un-rosetted).
I can't figure this picture out at all. It was titled "reception" (inverted commas model's own) but it's all dark and scary and looks like the area at the end of a Dreamworld ride where you emerge blinking and covered in vomit and get forced to purchase a photo of yourself in the midst of a screaming conniption.
MUST. STAY. AT. THIS. HOTEL.
Seriously, where do they hire these people from? They're so cheery and full of joie de vivre I could weep. If they lived at my house I would tell them I loved them every day just to ensure they felt secure.
Comments
It reminds me of a country wedding, the 2020 summit.
You're all invited!!!!! (BYO swag)
Also, the lovely nishiki might have some floor space, and still allow you nudie olympics, if you ask her sweetly.
exactly like it.
words i liked in this post were - rosettes, martini and grotto. and the salad is so shit.
but I agree with you 100%. Although it would be good to watch a Gordon Ramsey ep on hotels....
I love the gym. You and one other person can work out without hogging all the equipment.
And at least they didn't waste all that valuable stretch + ab space on the floor with more nasty machines.
ITS ALL A TRICK!! The marijuana, fireworks and pornography may lure you in but the boredom that is Canberra actually exceeds the entertainment value of these things.
These delightful photographs are further evidence of the Canberrans' evil plot to expand their biotronic army of public servants... but you need to know one other thing!! Not only have they yet to grasp the complexities of salad - Canberrans are shit at making coffee. You will not get decent cup of coffee the entire time you are there.
For crap coffee with nice atmosphere try Tilly's in Lyhnam.
I've actually been to the hotel with the water feature... :)
I feel cheated though - I didn't get rosette towels. That must be what goes when you get the government rate.
Pretty good digs, but not too expensive for someone who is used to living north of the river in old Melbourne town.
Also, a five buck cab from everything - like Fitzroy, really.
http://www.aboriginaltentembassy.net/
Last year I stayed at a "hotel" in Canberra that turned out to be more like a halfway house. The room was cell-like and all night people wandered the corridors.
Actually that reminds me of the time I stayed at a hotel that thoughtfully had installed a bottle opener next to the loo. Hmm. You never want to run the risk of being dehydrated I suppose.
We won't stop until somebody calls the cops and even then we'll start again and just pretend that nothing ever happened.
Or, better yet, try The Front next door - it's where all the cool kidz are.
(If you don't enjoy it, I sincerely apologise for cluttering up your blogspace-even though it is infinite).
Saturday, January 06, 2007
well my birthday and new years sucked as usual. but im 16 now so i guess thats cool.
i dont know if i told you but my bithdays on dec 25. mum always makes me a birthday cake to have with christmas lunch and then everyone complains about how singing happy birthday isnt christmassy. like i can help when i was born. like i can help anything.
but it got me thinking abuot jesus and stuff. like, im not sure if i beleve in god or not but jesus probably existed. and he would have gone through the same stuff because alyson told me that theres a pagan festival that used to be celebrated on his birthday, like, before he was famous.
i started thinking about other paralels with me and jesus, and i wrote this poem on christmas night, because i didn’t get a ipod or a wii:
one born in a stable
one born unstable
the mangers animals looking over one
the sheep of sosciety looking over t’other
both escewed from the community
for being different
both hated and revelied
for being different
but both still authentic
dont want to conform
his water into wine
is my art
my real father is the lord, he said
but i also have a stepdad on earth
keith is no joseph
a truck driver not a carpenter
and my real dad
like god
doesn’t
care
about
us.
posted by Courtney at 9:23 AM 20 comments
I can't think of anything else to say.
I’m surprised to read from you the word Gang bang, such a dirty word. Have you been watching porn lately?
I suspect the head in image six has no body it is just a head. It think it’s referred to as “hotel head”. Most people enjoy the head
I spied some new art work b4 on those wicked vans. Wait for it “Oral me”, no stars
I am yet to recover from my time there.
www.cockingtongreen.com.au
Get in quick though, the tiny rooms in the faux Edwardian manors are filling up quickly!
Actually, I'm getting a tad annoyed about all this publicity for your blog. I had this blog for myself and other select surfers, but now I'll have to share you with the masses. Bugger.
I, of course, immediately tripped over the stairs like an old woman, cause I couldn't see shit.
i can't believe i was in canberra for a week over easter WITH THREE CHILDREN and we didn't know about cockingtongreen and had to go to questacon AGAIN.
next visit we are going, and we might check out the pinnacle apartments.
thanks for this thread fits.
My goodness where would we be without briliantly witty, clever, erudite, unflappable..observers of life....leaving their little droppings of wit about the place....
I thank you for your contribution in bettering my life...
i feel very warm and fuzzy now....err...?
Don't make the mistake of thinking it's anything more than that though.
Did this make anyone else picture a Nudie blueberry blackberry crushie being drunk with athletic prowess? Probably not
Also if you book before the 10th they fill your water dish for FREE!
Canberra is so boring you will have to eventually get pissed on the night, come back to your hotel via the dark lobby, trip over (because it's so dark) those rocks and land head first in the water feature, pick yourself up, order some roomservice and realise your starving after they bring up rabbit food, head outside for a kebab and pass the weird but happy staff, make your way back via the Gym to burn off the kebab, but break your leg on the 1998 Chuck Norris Fits (pun) Gym.
You can always steal the soap and shower cap.
i am a sad embittered reactionary too. maybe we could meet?
I'd like to meet you. Maybe we could form a party...err...club.
No, really, I don't miss it at all. No, really.
Simon says put your fucking hands down
Hell i cant wait.
Swag. It. Out.
It's a big country, there's plenty room for everyone...
Represent.
Yours in anticipation,
Dick Allcock
The photo of the staircase doesn;t do it justice - think greenhouse/circus ...
xx hotman
I would be happy to meet up with you. be warned however I do not fuck on the first date, unless you are paying for it.
I will however make an exception to this rule if j howard wants to join in and the spa orgy room is still available.
Ms Fits can join in too provided she shaves her arms first as us sad embittered reactionaries are alergic to whippersnapper hippy hair.
PS epon I think White Australian heritage is a house paint colour.
Oh yes, it’s on the same colour chart as Brown Paper Bag Test.
From the moment you closed the door, you had to feel your way about the room Hellen Keller style until you could find a light-switch.
Katoomba itself is perhaps the dreariest, almost funereal dump on earth. It's the sort of holiday destination the Adams Family would enjoy.
Although, the funniest excuse for a restaurant I've ever visited was there. It was supposedly Hungarian - not too improbably since Transylvania is in Hungary.
Anyway, the Transylvania-Hungarian restaurant served up stodge disguised by the most depressing mood lighting on earth, using coloured down-lights intended to add a touch of mystery and romance to the decor, I suppose.
All it did was change the food into colours not normally found in nature, including blue lamb chops and purple mashed potato.
Spooky.
More like a half way house, if delirium doesn't get you, the spooky cat will.
And there's plenty to do.. scratch bites allover your body, spit out the water you just drank after reading the sign next to the toaster as to water not being fit for consumption, or due to the quiet trucks passing, sitting up all night watching swivel sweeper infomercials.
FUN!
BOIL SOME WATER. LOTS OF IT.
I'm not making this up, but they delivered some veal and cheese concoction where the cheese sat on top of the veal in a block aboutthe size of a bar of soap, slightly melted at the bottom and around the edges.
I don't know? What was that? A Kraft Schnitzel?
As in"Nihilism"?
http://www.smh.com.au/news/web/top-of-the-bloggies/2008/04/09/1207420446757.html
What a fulfilling life I do lead.
All I can is good luck. When you're down be sure to wrangle someone into taking you to Rocksalt. They make their own duck sausage which is to die for. For true!
Ha...hope you have fun
Avoid the Olims Hotel in Canberra.
It's nothing like advertised - that is, unless I somehow missed the part about how your tv will be sticky-taped together and non-functioning, the broken showerheads, the windows that don't lock, the water-stained/cracked walls, or the appliances which all run off extension leads and power boards.
Plus the room info guide had numerous spelling errors - which I kindly took the liberty of correcting.
Oh, and it looks like the hotel from The Shining.
Charming.
Whoa, screech,reverse!!!!
SO
Where are the pictures of that then???? :-)
I should post something relevant but ah well. You are one of the funniest people in Australia. Sorry if that sounds really creepy.
Schmo - Ohlim's: So crap, but it's National Trust Listed and apparently that makes it OK
...and Fits - I very nearly bought a house with a similar sort of feature inside the front door to the one at your hotel. Rationality prevailed and we bought one down the road with a much bigger shed, a paddock, and we'll have chickens in a few weeks. That's right, baby, living the bucolic dream!
A guestroom
A Sofa-bed (for extras)
A library
A possum in the fireplace (not cute – very frightening – can send video)
Three bathrooms (but water saving showerhead too effective – not enough water pressure to push water through so can’t use upstairs shower)
Surround sound
I’ll be probably be busy so might have to entertain yourself. Can give you a key.
For a truely pretentious overpriced stay, look no further than the Hotel Realm in Canberra. Minimilist rooms (a bed and a tv), overpriced mini bar and apalling service!
Everything one is looking for in a hotel these days.
Don't worry Punthill will be in Canberra soon!! We will look after you!
P xx
More importantly, if you do need people to drink with in the nation's capital I would be more than happy to offer my services. Although I'm (supposedly) not one of Australia's 1000 Best and Brightest, i can hold my end up in a conversation. And i like drinking. And, as people have quite correctly pointed out, what else is there to do here?
I have fond memories of visiting that hotel (also on government rate, Bernie Lomax!), the green carpet (Freudian slip...I originally typed crapet) giving the feel of an indoor mini-golf course.
Oh, how I remember swimming in that pool - or, more accurately, sitting in that pool - and attempting to use the sauna. As a 15-year-old, I didn't exactly understand the concept of the sauna, but I liked the idea of being warm.
Although, the memories of that hotel are tainted by having watched Australia lose their attempt to get into the 2002 World Cup when they fell to Uruguay.
We have stayed there... it is in Queanbeyan (nothing nearby that is fun in other words) and the place stinks due to those *lovely* water features and indoor pool that are surrounded by green carpet pretending to be grass! Do yourself a favour and go elsewhere :)
Enjoy your talk fest and pre-fest ice-breaker orgy.
It is a beautiful day in our nations capital today and we are very much looking forward to your visit. If the accommodation options turn your hair even curlier, then we can offer you the spare room in our lovely inner south abode within walking distance of Manuka and Kingston. A slightly longer walk will take you right to the big house on the hill and you can sample the autumnal colour along the way.
The room comes fully furnished - with two mini schnauzers that are trained to be electric blankets once the temperature drops to single digits and they are more than willing to offer their snuggling services if you are missing Bob Ellis too much.
While Canberra can seem boring and lifeless when comparing it to the lights and laneways of Melbourne, there is a beauty here that not many stay long enough to discover.
May I suggest the following:
- Early morning walk around the lake - 'bridge to bridge'. It takes no more than an hour and can be breathtaking with the mist lifting off the water, the sun glinting on the Carillion and a plethora of hot air balloons jockeying for position in the national triangle
- Dinner at Rubicon in Grififth - their hickory and pancetta oysters are to die for
- Breakfast at The Book Plate at the National Library - great pancakes and the coffee is not bad (I ask for double shots at most places in Canberra) The best bit is the terrace with views over the lake, Black Mountain and Mt Ainslie. The bookshop is not bad either, but I guess you'd expect that for a national library.
- Wednesday is $10 pizza and jug of beer night at Das Kapital in Narrabundah which features a lovely Rosalie Gascoigne inspired bar and frequently musicians of the 'jazz' persuasion
- Venture to the newly opened Canberra Glassworks in the heritage listed Powerhouse at Kingston and try your hand at blowing...some molten glass
- Cool climate wineries near Murrumbateman - sample the Clonakilla Shiraz and have lunch at The Poachers Pantry
Enjoy!
i'm not sure whether to vote for mini schnauzer bed-mates or possums in fireplaces. actually the possum house has a library. that would be my vote right there.
sorry fits.
i've a yellow couch and an agressive crow that lives in a tree out the front. not ideal, but functional. the definition of c-town really.
And no, I don't recommend it. I do appreciate, however, that they have a 'demo' room in the reception (so you know whatyou're getting yourself into)
Pass.
The Moon Rock Cafe next to a big radio dish, like in the movie. The bit of moon rock looks pretty humble.
The wig and pen brewery down from the ANU.
The mint where the money gets made.
And fyshwick, for the trip back home.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKtUQ7K9UQY
I still can't believe that white pantsuit.
"...what's the odds on the replacement Governor General for Michael Jeffrey?
My bet is some kind of Gender & Ethnic Equity Token appointment will be absolutely imperative from a PR standpoint."
http://webdiary.com.au/cms/?q=node/2229#comment-74947
I have no doubt that Quentin Bryce as Governor General will do a 'great job' (whatever that entails as Governor General, an essentially token appointment no matter who occupies the role), but it's another predictable PR/Picture opportunity stunt, the tactical timing of which was impeccably designed to divert media attention away from the 'outcomes' (ha ha ha) of Rudd's just-completed World Discovery Tour stunt.
So, why not NSW Governor Marie Bashir? I mean, Governor Bashir's own credentials and experience would make her an obvious contender for the title, no?
Well, no. Given the Prime Minister's utter obsession with media stunts, I'd say his PR handlers were thinking 'picture opportunities'. Because, while Governor Bashir is a woman of undoubted talents and probably the most admired and personally likeable Governor that NSW has had since Arthur Phillip, Governor Brice is physically beautiful.
So, an appointment from the 'high moral ground' of a 'person of gender' to a 'token' role and who is also beautiful to look at should cover the three central elements in any Kevin Rudd stunt:
• will it look good on television?
• will it have sufficient plausible deniability?
• will it effectively silence any opposition or criticism?
Now, the next stunt? Oh yes, the lovely young students at the 20/20 Youth Summit and then Cate Blanchett at the 20/20 gabfest.
I'm sorry, but government by "whatever looks good with Mel and Kochie on Sunrise" is beginning to turn my stomach a bit.
And people, if you tilt your head up and look around at the (undeveloped) hills of Canberra, you'll notice its a rather pretty sight, as are the sunsets. There a plenty of lovely places for a drink - try Old Government House, or the Hippo lounge in civic.
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