Things what disturb.
I am in house packing hell and surrounded by three and a half years of ghostly distant memories and it's making me a bit Shakin' Stevens and here are a few more things that have recently occurred that didn't much help to ease my hokey pokey mind:
1. An appalling allusion to my lack of fitness!
Gabi's old landlady lives around the corner and often gets us mixed up, which has been the source of many a light-hearted ribbing on both of our behalf. She's been keeping abreast of the current domestic situation and massive life changes stirring in our abode and seemed pleased to see me when she walked past the other day.
Landlady: (smiling) Hello there.
Me: Hi.
Landlady: (pointing at my stomach) Baby's coming soon, yes?
Me: Sorry?
Landlady: Almost time for your baby!
Me: No, I...that's Gabi.
Landlady: (still pointing) It's soon, yes?
Me: I'm not pregnant. Gabi is.
Landlady: Oh.
Me: But yes, she'll be having the baby soon.
Landlady: (nodding and smiling) Bye bye!
Me: My god but I've let myself go.
2. The movie no parent should miss!
My blessed ma and pa have been helping me pack my useless crap into cardboard boxes and I'd be lost without them and would probably marry them both if it was legal and not weird.
The wrongest bit about their assistance revealed itself when my dad quietly busied himself packing up videos and dvd's and I realised with a start that he'd spent the last hour solemnly boxing his thirty year old daughter's pornographic movie collection. I was too embarrassed to apologise to him afterwards and he seems to have no visible scars, but still. The poor fucker.
p.s. 'Buttman Goes To Rio' was left on the floor for some mystifying reason.
3. Where the wee men buy!
Mid-packing the family went for a walk with the two dogs and for some reason the conversation turned to how much we all weighed. I was stunned to find out my dad was only about 5 kilos heavier than I was and grilled him mercilessly about it.
Me: You're tiny. You're hardly bigger than me.
Dad: That's just the way I'm built I guess.
Mum: He has problem buying clothes now because of the obesity epidemic. They don't make his size anymore.
Me: Really?
Dad: Well, I like to buy Gaz Man. And I'm comfortable in a 30 waist. But if I get a 32 they just fall off.
Mum: So I told him to go and buy at Target Boys.
Me: You wear children's clothes now?
Dad: Not children's exactly. Boys.
Me: Boys are children.
Dad: Big boys.
Me: Oh my god.
Dad: It's just for pants.
4. My heart swells with national pride!
They're a couple of charmers, are they not?
*slits wrists*
257 days til the next election.
Comments
funny thing is, as soon as i read that mr and mrs fits senior were helping you pack i immediately thought "i hope she packed the porn away before they arrived."
could be worse, though. have you packed the toys yet?
I FULLY skipped 30 inch waist. I briefly stopped at 32, 34 went whoosh and here in 36 land.... it is most shameful.
I found a pair of 28 inch camo shorts from 8 years ago and was horrified.
All power to your dad, says I.
Thomasr
the world needs more men like...
the two dudes in the picture!
Hottttttt
I want to know how those two became friends? One looks like an accountant, the other looks like toothless dude who would run a gun store in Smythsdale.
Praise Jesus and Pass The Ammunition.
Amidst all this I thought you might take a modicum of joy in the fact that Maxine McKew is having a shot at dear old Johnny in his electorate.
I was the local editor in his electorate last year as part of my duties as relieving editor in the News Ltd franchise - sorry, sorry, sorry about that - and even then Johnny was very nervous.
He set up an exclusive interview with a local newspaper and really pushed how he was - I love this - helping his community by helping Australia.
The journo who interviewed him was a Greeny with a twinkle of malice in his eye that I'm sure Shorty detected.
It was an interesting contrast to the year before when I interviewed him in another part of town for Fairfax. (Yes I get around, yes I am a slut).
John is so rattled right now he sounds like a skeleton.
Good luck with the bubs Dollfits - what will you call him/her? And how will you dress your child? Hmm, I think I better add this to the Q&A day.
I hate Illinois Nazis
Gee Fits... if it took him an hour to box up, it must be one hell of a collection!! The Buttman DVD must be the one that broke the camels back. No wonder Fits Snr's wasting away, wondering what his, "hasn't she grown out of this yet?" daughter's getting up to!
there is just so much goodness here, i don't know where to start.
i didn't imagine your dad to be slim-hipped somehow. not sure what i imagined, or in fact, why i imagined anything.
i'll stop now.
good luck with the move.
ps i hope you've been doing a list. my list goes like:
box 1 - box 28 books
box 29: my special things
box 30: saucepans
box 31: wine glasses
etc.
then you can lay your hands on stuff very easily.
just don't write "priceless family heirloom" or "rare red wine" or "jewellery" on any boxes cause they might go walking. perhaps you could make up a code, and write it all down in a little note book. it's quite the system.
PLEASE PLEASE keep my brown zebra shirt that is at your place. It's the best shirt ever. I beg of you.
So how much do you weigh now, Fatty?
Why Ms,
I gotta tell ya...ya make me laugh....
Painfree
Is there something on every birth certificate requiring all Dads to shop at Gaz Man? What is the obsession with that navy blue place??
You see, in this day and age, Ms. Fits, what with DVDs and computers and all manner of wonderous modern technology, the amount of space required for a porn collection is surprisingly small, and inconspicuous. That's what those expansive CD wallets at the $2 'N' UNDA shop are all about.
Also, I wear boys socks, because I can't find "grown up" socks I like. This is not because I like stupid motifs of ninja turtles, but because I have small feet.
And you know what they say about men with small feet? Socks miniacs.
hey fits, been reading the blog for about a year and am a fan. last satdee went to twits/blowfly/bob log 3 at the east brunswick club and a friend of mine pointed you out. i thought you looked hot and about 24. if you've let yourself go - you've done it with style. just sayin'...
Don't worry about it fits.
The way the kids are porking up, you will still be below average weight.
As for Dad and his boy's pants, he'll be the freak of the future, and all the kids will call him "skinny winny, no fat."
Anonymous, said
"i thought you looked hot and about 24. if you've let yourself go - you've done it with style. just sayin'..."
I'm sure that Fits would have responded if she wasn't so immersed in packing house. I imagine her response would go something like this.
Anon. Oh, you beautiful darling man or woman of perfect 20/20 vision. Next time you see me out and about do come up and introduce yourself so I may buy you a drink. Although perhaps it's best you keep at a distance as I quite enjoy looking 24.
I got rid of my porn when my mum said she was going to come down to clean up my flat one time. She never did come down, but the boys living upstairs at my local are enjoying it now and they can have it. Also I once gave a giant bag of porno mags to Fred Negro (someone had found them on the train over a number of years and kept them.)
hey! which member of pisschrist did you date? i bet tim..or yeap..but i think tim?
one of the best/worst scenes in my memory:
standing around the hole at the tip, throwing stuff out of the back of the car which has been backed up to the hole, tipping out a milkcrate of VINTAGE HUSTLER MAGAZINES into the hole, watching the looks on the faces of the tip-workers "what the fuck are you doing?!" sort of stuff. having my mother standing next to me. driving off with her, laughing.
they weren't mine. ex-boyfriend's.
Boys are children, thats funny. My dad is a skinny-arse prick too. 'still at me fightin' weight 'ol son' as he puts it.
Those Chaney supporting pricks are infuriating. Their goal is to be provocative, and they have bloody succeeded. Chaney is corrupt, but because of the vagaries of the US electoral system, its not actually classed as corruption. Its considered OK to stay on the board of companies while in office and award that company monster, overpriced war contracts. He's shown himself time and again to be corrupt and inept. Yet these fukers hold up a fuken sign, it shits me off, I'm shat off.
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