Reasons you will hate me

This probably means I should pretty much quit while I'm ahead.

'According to Holden, the Australian Idol judges (there are four of them now! Alert the authorities, they’re multiplying like mogwais, etc) are ‘too tough’ this year, though given the ex pop star’s increasingly erratic onscreen demeanour he may have been too busy wizzy-dizzying around in circles and making up a variety of exciting new ways to say ‘I am very much enjoying your singing performance, young man or lady’ to take the topic entirely seriously. This kick-‘em-while-they’re-down method didn’t seem to do them much good last weekend when channel 7 brought out ‘the big guns’ and bunged them up against the gals from Fountain Lakes and Idol tumbled unceremoniously from its position as must-see Sunday evening television.

What’s with all the idiotic chest-beating between the networks, anyway? It’s not as though we’re overrun with local content and need to play shows off against each other in some gladiatorial arena. The idea of seeing who has the biggest set of cahunas via Us vs Them parlour games (‘The Seven tsunami is about to crash over us,’ Holden trilled between alphabetising breadsticks and painting himself blue or whatever mildly deranged activity he gets up to when he’s not terrorising pink-cheeked children with mixed metaphors) seems simply mean-spirited. Call me a pinko peacenik, but I can’t see why we can’t all just co-exist in different, non-competitive timeslots. And then hug afterwards.

Obviously I was primed for a decent amount of Sunday evening idiocy having sat through a full hour of America’s Next Top Model at 6:30 (‘Your look should just totally be like….’I’m a baby and I’m a virgin!’’ was a particular highlight of host Tyra Banks’ astute direction during a photo shoot) and numbed my brain into a not unlovely lull where half-dressed teenage girls frolicked through fields and fed me Lindt Orange Intense chocolate, so when it clicked over to Idolville at 7:30 I didn’t require a great deal to finish me off. Which is lucky, since the latest episode of Australia’s Got A Tiny Bit Of Talent Remaining left a bit of a nasty taste in my mouth, what with all the needlessly spiteful contrived dummy spits and walk-outs and d-grade hissies. It was like visiting Naomi Campbell when she’s ‘having the painters in’.

Idol informs us ‘we’ve gone through the period where all the looneys chase their three seconds of fame’, (Holden again), which now apparently leaves only the looneys chasing their fifteen minutes plus not un-thrilling slide towards the JB Hi Fi Bargain Bin. There are a couple of mildly memorable characters thus far – a very sweet trumpet player named Carl Riseley and some wee Hobbit with startlingly blue eyes and a rather dashing cardigan, to name but two – but for the most part I lost count of the beige bunnies making a hash of some half-baked Boys II Men song before flouncing out into a corridor in floods of tears because Kyle Sandilands told them they were a dimwit (now there’s a man you’d bother taking personal criticism from). Someone called Jordan with a penchant for lolly-bright suits brightly informed Australia ‘I Love Us!!!’ before thankfully disappearing into obscurity for the remainder of the hour, and a cowboy took a bath wearing his hat (o, the hilarity) while the judges pretended to bicker and eventually time passed.

On the bright side, co-host James Mathieson continues to delight; a sunny, pumpkin-smiley presence amongst an increasingly bitter and twisted crowd of sweatily ambitious boofheads. Contestants and audiences alike have by now watched previous series of Idol and know what to expect, which would explain the rather creaky playing up to the camera by the majority of folk in the background. It’s all a bit tedious, really. Even the supposedly nail-biting combination of boys and girls in some group sing-off feels a little forced, possibly due to the ER ‘gimme ten cc’s of adrenalin, stat’-type rushing about by Holden and staff.

On Seven, Kath and Kim meandered lazily back into their position as Australia’s Sweethearts, serving up a perfectly untouched formula of mispronounced words and cheerily addictive catchphrases thankfully unsullied by the show’s move to a commercial network. Creators Riley and Turner have barely strayed from the ‘Kim’s a bitchfaced moll/Sharon’s hopeless and large/Kath and Kel rather enjoy a bit of rumpo’ oeuvre that’s served them so well thus far and judging by the resounding bellylaughs enjoyed by those in the room with me when I watched, it’s a tactic that works.

Sitting through an episode of Kath and Kim – and I mean this in the most respectful of ways – really is a lot like watching The Comedy Company these days, isn’t it? Essentially what we’re waiting for is the well-worn zinger; the ever-familiar one-liner we can sing along with in the privacy of our living rooms. The foxy morons figured out a long time ago that if it weren’t broke, it didn’t need fixing. Let’s hope the folk at Idol take a leaf out of their book and tone down the nasty before someone loses an eye.'

' THIS year I made sure the kids missed all the Australian Idol audition shows.

I didn't want them watching a parade of the never-will-be being publicly humiliated for a laugh.

There's enough bullying in the playground without seeing middle-aged male bullies hoe into defenceless teens on TV.

But at least past Idols, once we got over that ugly start, used to be fun family Sunday night viewing.

You know, the sort of show everyone could watch from the seven-year-old to your great-granny.

Like Dancing with the Stars, only with real stars.

Not any more. When we tuned in to see the finalists it was far from fun.

Instead we saw the judges play cruel mind games on a parade of talented but vulnerable young people.

After hours and hours of tense waiting, they were brought before the four judges for the verdict.

"You're so talented, you're so fabulous and (cue happy face) you can go home."

"You've disappointed us, we've argued about you and (cue crushed face) you're in."

I shouldn't have been so surprised. We were warned, after all.

Mark Holden admitted last weekend, before the show aired, that the judges had probably been too tough on the contestants in the previous week.

"Did we go too far? That's probably fair comment.

"It's part of the process of weeding out the wheat from the chaff and sometimes, yes, we probably did go over the top," he said. "But the audience loved it and 1.5 million viewers chose to watch us rather than watching people have their baggage checked for drugs."

Yes, it's all about ratings.

Nothing else matters now.

The more cruelty, the more public humiliation, the more vicious the taunts, the more hope you've got of weaning people away from Border Security.

Even if the contestant at the end of this abuse is a mere 16 years old.

Which is exactly why so many families with young kids prefer to skip the "chaff " shows where the idea is that everyone laughs at the sad wanna-be-but-never-will-bes.

But we thought that when the contest got down to the talented best, the cruelty would stop and the appreciation would start.

It wasn't that way on Sunday and Monday, when we saw the talented best from the thousands who auditioned across Australia.

Yes, we knew there could be tears as they were whittled down to a final 24, but we didn't expect to see the poor contestants taunted and teased until it was almost too painful to watch.

Of course, once we cottoned on to the routine, even the seven-year-old could easily pick who was in and who was out.

The minute they said something to make the contestant smile with relief, you knew they would be shown the door.

The second they made someone's eyes crinkle up in tears, you knew you were looking at a Top 24.

But that didn't make it any easier to watch, as the contestants weren't in on the game.

It was so sad to see the normally nurturing Marcia Hines remain mute through these cruel circus acts.

Sad, but also no surprise, given she has a heart.

The good news is that it didn't work.

Kath & Kim romped it in on Sunday night, becoming this year's highest-rating program.

The kids want to keep watching and have already picked their favourites, but if this is the future of this fifth season of Australian Idol then I'm all for moving our Sunday night viewing to Fountain Gate, too.'

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