Urban Professionals.
Last night my favourite girl-rock crushes the Young Professionals came on my radio show as Celebrity Rooters. It was an all-girl all-vadge spectacular, co-hosted by the magnificent Genny and Clemmy B (no relation). It was chaos and here is what happened:
22:00 - Show begins. Feel very on top of things until Gen appears with three bottles of wine, glaring at me and Clem and saying: 'So, am I the only one who's going to get smashed and yell 'I LOVE COCK' on air tonight?'
22:10 - 22:20 - How good are spa jets, ladies? Discuss.
22:20 - 22:25 - Segue seamlessly from the Flying Lizards' 'Money' to Tone Loc. Look bewildered when Clem hands over a Dixie Chicks record and requests a Dylan cover.
22:25 - 22:40 - Hey listen, it's the famous Jessculture on the line from Sydney! What's up with Brogden? Does everyone miss Lefty Tim or what? Bunny rabbits + cocks = bad. Don't try that at home kids, etc.
22:45 - YP's arrive, all wearing sunglasses and faux fur coats. One of them is swigging wine from a bottle. I would probably be worried, only for the fact that they look like this:
And I am a bit in love with all three of them. Drink on, ladies!
22:50 - 23:00 - Gen: Here's a masturbation tip for the girls - freeze a banana and hammer yourself with it!
Ms Fits: Wouldn't it turn to mush?
Gen: It's been in the freezer. It's hard.
Clem: I've used an ice block once!
Silence.
Ms Fits: (incredulous) What - like a Calippo?
Clem: No, an actual ice block.
Ms Fits: HAHA, BASTOW FUCKED A CALIPPO!
Clem: I did not .
Ms Fits: Was it pine-lime or tropical?
Clem: Oh, for fuck's.
23:00 - 23:10 YP's enter the studio to play their top 5 rooting songs. Four microphones. Six half-liquored and excitable young ladies with shrill voices. YOU BE THE JUDGE.
23:10 - 23:15 First rooting song is hot and by a band I don't know. The Screaming Creamers? The Shouting Screamers? I am too busy trying to line up the next track while the YP's jump up and down yelling.
23:15 - 23:25 Lorelei: THIS NEXT TRACK IS A FUCKED VERSION OF THE TRACK WE LIKE, BUT -
Gil: WE LISTEN TO IT WHEN WE WATCH GAY PORN
Hannah: GIL WATCHES GAY PORN
Lorelei: YEAH, GIL'S TOTALLY GAY -
Gil: I CAME OUT TO MY -
Lorelei: SHE CAME OUT TO HER MUM! ON THE WEEKEND!
Hannah: ON THE WEEKEND GIL CAME OUT TO HER MUM!
Lorelei: WE GAVE HER CHASTITY BONO'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY AND SHE WAS INSPIRED!!
23:25 - 23:35 A weird 60's version of Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves. Followed by Doctor John. More wine is swigged from the bottle. Hannah is gyrating wildly. Clem is starting to squeeze herself into a corner.
23:25 - 23:45 - Silver Apples. Everyone is dancing now, and chanting 'I'M NOT GAY/DON'T TOUCH ME' for some unknown reason.
23:45 - 23:50 - Final rooting song. Frankie Valli.
Gen flashes her bra, which inspires Lorelei.
Lorelei: LET'S ALL SHOW OUR BRAS!
Everyone strips to bras. Dances.
23:50 - 23:55 - Losing utter control as six girls scream over the top of each other. Play the YP's new single. Lorelei demands we all strip down to our underwear and dance. As if to demonstrate, she climbs on top of the mixing desk. Gen wrestles Hannah to the ground. Clem go-go's.
24:00 - Show's over, folks. But wait! Lorelei insists on a polaroid of us all mooning the camera.
24:05 - I want my mummy.
Please go and see this band and buy their record. They broke me. In the hottest way imaginable.
*wrings out underwear*
770 days til the next election.
Comments
*freezes contents of fruit bowl*
Now that winter's (almost) gone, there won't be much slipping into frozen lampposts anymore - when one of those icy poles got between your legs it was really something, eh sonny boy?
fits...haven't you worked out that one of your guest co-hosts wants to be you? look back and you'll see. All of a sudden she is doing your radio show ALL THE TIME, and not very well either, hangs out with all of your friends, free loads off you, is not very well written, but desperately wants to be, gets webster and gary coleman confused (derr..) and is just a little bit dumb! So annoying! Just needed to get that out of my system.
Hottest photo ever. Except this time Calippo Fucker is wearing underwear.
Still...
*comes*
I think there should be some sort of spin-off permanently of Best of the Bitch.
We need more of this on the airwaves! I mean, guys have got The Footy Show, and Roy & HG, and you never learn anything educational about frozen things or people coming out to their Mums on that.
best ever. do you podcast your radio broadcasts?
I fucking love the YPs. And Clem! CLEMENTINE! My god - I am shocked and delighted by her 'chilly' revelation!
So if my 1930s gangster name is Busty McGillicutty (and it is, folks, just trust me), hers has GOT to be Calippo Clem.
sorry i'm late dear.
i got here as fast as i could.
and i brought you some brand new high-waisted skinny-leg leather pants.
you know, cause you like vintage.
Listen McGillicutty, shtay away from 'dos shide o' town see?
Apologies for posting on your blog (which is always great) but I wasn't sure how to contact you. I guess you can delete this message after you've read it. I'm a RMIT screenwriting student looking for mentorship / work experience opportunities, could you recommend any thing coming up?
Thanks Li-kim.
my email: likim2@yahoo.com.au
It was the Scene Creamers, miss. And I want to marry the YPs.
IN MY UNDIES.
And the wedding cake will be a giant...
CALIPPO!
I was listening to the programme last night and I was laughing so much I came. Get this - without the assistance of frozen bananas or Calippos. All I needed was some fun lovin' gals.
Doesn't it just make the icypole up your vag melt....
Was that Li'l Kim asking you to be her mentor?
when are you posting the YP mooning polaroid?
Partly to live out my dream of finally leaving a comment on Holly's blog, and partly to enlighten and inform, here are some FASCINATING ASIDES to Holly's record of Our Night of Vadge. Also, it contains EXCLUSIVES, UNREMARKABLE EVENTS THAT ALWAYS HAPPEN ANYWAY WHEN WE GET DRUNK, and GAPS IN MY MEMORY that I may need to fill in by making up lies. You can fit all points below into any of the above categories you wish.
1. While waiting in the pouring rain to be let into the RRR building, Hannah and Gil asked PASSING MOTORISTS if they could BUY DRUGS off them. During this limbo period, we also half-listened to the radio that was streaming through the Intercom, and Gil repeatedly pressed the buzzer that said 'DON'T PRESS THIS BUZZER WHEN ANNOUNCERS ARE TALKING'. We also ignored the sign that said 'PLEASE BE PATIENT!' and screamed to the deaf Intercom speaker 'SHUT UP AND LET US IN' many, many times.
INTERESTING FACT! We didn't even PLAN to all wear sunglasses as we we entered the studio. Instead, it was spontaneous and CRAZY!!!!
2. Holly prefaced the segment by playing 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun', and we all sang along off-air. (You should have heard it though.) When it got to 'WHEN THE WORKIN - WHEN THE WORKIN - WHEN THE WORKIN' I couldn't actually finish the line with 'DAY IS DONE!' because I didn't want to admit that the song was over, because I actually didn't want it to ever end. And as everyone else's voices cascaded around me, each having picked out the bit that really GOT them the most, (Either 'Oh Giiirls! or 'They JUST wanna, they JUST wanna!' or 'Girls just wanna have...' ) I felt really happy for the first time in my life.
3. Bob Ellis the dog kept LICKING Gil's leg throughout the whole show.
4. I PUNCHED Genny B in the face while dancing to Frankie Vallie and The Four Seasons' version of 'Don't Think Twice It's Alright', our Number One Rooting Song, in the final ten minutes of the show. Also, because we had been yelling at the Intercom earlier in the evening instead of listening to the show, we didn't realise Clem had already done a Bob Dylan cover. Sorry about that.
5. Rolling around on the floor half-naked after taking Polaroids, I was pleased to discover that the carpet they have outfitted the new RRR studios with is wonderfully soft on bare skin. This explains why I was repeatedly throwing myself to the ground epileptically, although I don't think anyone need ever explain why they're doing that, because it's very fun in general.
6. Members of Your Wedding Night and Young Professionals convened in the courtyard after the show to make plans for a new SUPER GROUP called EIFFEL TOWER!! I don't remember anything else, except I think we booked a show.
7. Hannah lost her cigarettes.
8. I don't remember getting home, except that Hannah and I were in a cab outside her house and she was emphasisng to the driver to MAKE SURE SHE GETS HOME OKAY and after taking on this challenge he seemed rather pissed when I told him HERE IS FINE about 30 metres down the road because I only live a couple of houses away from Hannah and Gil.
Well, there you have it. The story BEHIND the story. The final scoop is that we're so inspired by MsFits, Clem and Holly, that we're going to start a YP blog. WOW!!!
Anyway, it was the best night in the world, and thanks again girls for having us. xxxxxxxxxxxx
XXXXXXXXXXxxxxxXXXXXXXXxxxxxxXXXXXX
Lorelei I heard you come home, and it was waaaayyy too early for all that to have happened.
How do rockstars manage to compact so much into every second of their rockin and amazing lives?
I am so excited about the prospect of a YP blog: now it has been said in cyberspace (and on this blog nonetheless) it MUST be done.
p.s did you make it to work today?
Lorelei, you have already mastered using capital letters for brilliant comic effect, a blog of your very own was a natural progression if you ask me.
Which you didn't. But you would have, if you'd thought of it! x
THE GIRLS ARE SHOUTING AT THE CREEPS! IT IS THE CALIPPOS FROM THE DEEP SEA CREEP CONVENTION! IT IS VERY COLD!!
Lurking malware, and an all-IP world
Security: Malware may be hiding behind those long string names in the Windows Registry .
Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!
I have a make real money online site/blog. It pretty much covers make real money online related stuff.
Come and check it out if you get time :-)
There is only one defence against lurking malaware
CALIPPOS
*rides into comment thread in BRAND NEW SPANK MACHINE LIMO*
"here everyone, have a large sum of money!"
He's RIGHT! SHAZAM! IT'S A MOTHERFUCKING MONEY MAKING MACHINE! JACKPOT WINNER!
*fans self with wad*
*ropey wad*
Calippos can solve anything.
Hey! I should get an endorsement!
Yes! Calippo is the new comment thread spam!
Clem has been a cover all this time for the iced entertainment industry...
Next bikini shoot I wanna see a Calippo in hand...
or...
(kkgkgkgkk.... don't... say it....)
elsewhere...
.
rut me pink, drunk and dry, i miss you all. x
Mutzio! The circle of Hotness is complete.
POW!
Dear Anon,
Show yourself to me.
Who the fuck wouldn't want to be Miss Fits? She rules. Just to clear up a few things tho'
* You better not listen to BOTB for next few weeks, cuz I'll be filling in. I do it because its FUN and THEY ASK ME TO. There is no ploy to take over Holly C 's spot cunt eyes. And, yep, I aint as good as those guys, they have been doing it amazingly for 10 years.
* Yeah, I guess I have made some great new friends through fits that I love hanging out with , but it aint all the time and by the way: STOP STALKING ME!
* I never actually confused Webster with Gazza fuck face.
* I DON'T freeload off Holly C. The end.
Just needed to get that off my chest.
I love your chest GB.
i to get off (on) your chest GB.
in a mate's way.
in a spa.
Thanks guys. I too love your chests and hearts and pretty much every other body part. In a mates way.
LOVE!!!
i LOVE to get (off) on your chest GB.
got caught up in the moment there.
Pfft. Lame. You wanna see how a real drugs-fuelled, rock'n'roll, sex orgy of a radio show goes down, you should work on a current affairs show.
It's just like yours but without the sex, drugs or rock'n'roll. And instead of the Young Professionals dropping by, we have Liberal MP Joe Scalzi dropping by ..... to talk about ECONOMICS!!
So, Jessculture rings up? Yawn. We have Senator Ian Campbell ringing up. And he talks about THE ENVIRONMENT!
And then we all sit around fully-clothed reading politician's press releases.
Now, THAT'S a freakin' party, I tell you.
If you're nice to me, I may let you sit in on it one day.
That is, if you think you can handle it?
We ALL love getting off on Genny B's chest. Especially when she's wearing a t-shirt that says "I WENT CRAZY WITH KISS".
Jessculture rings up? I think NOT.
She is rung.
She is not the sort of cashed up strumpet who can afford interstate phone calls.
Campbell is obviously being taken for a ride!
Lurking malware, and an all-IP world
Security: Malware may be hiding behind those long string names in the Windows Registry .
I wacky-parsed 'an all-IP world' as 'An all-YP world' and came, uncontrollably, over and over again, until I died.
Comments are closed.