Victoria.
I was at the Botanical Gardens a few weeks ago making merry with some wholesome chums when we were approached by a serious-looking woman in her thirties, clutching a stack of books.
What were the first few things to run through our heads?
- Christian.
- Mormon.
- Cult recruiter.
- Drug addict with penchant for literature.
- Cathy from Flowers in the Attic.
We were wrong. The woman in question was in fact a DIY publisher who was hocking copies of her novel 'Victoria'. For a shiny gold coin.
Yes of course I bought one. Are you mad? I love art.
'Victoria' - excerpt 1:
'In a low tone, the mysterious woman told her, 'I work for the Dark Forces and I am Dark Star, the most powerful demon in the Western world.'
Hearing this, Victoria laughed hilariously.
'It's not that funny, Victoria,' said the woman, sounding a bit affronted, 'You should be awed and amazed to be meeting me.'
'It's lucky for you that I do find it so funny,' replied Victoria. 'Otherwise I'd be ringing the nearest mental hospital to have you locked up. But I think you're far too funny to be put away,' she finished.
'Thank you,' replied the mysterious lady, 'I can see you're going to have a great time with me.'
'But you can't really be a demon working for the Dark Forces,' said Victoria in cynical disbelief.
'Aren't you skeptical? Tell me, Victoria, why can't I be?' enquired the mysterious lady.
'Well, if you did work for the Dark Forces you would never say so,' replied Victoria.
'Why do you believe I wouldn't?' asked the mysterious lady.'
'Because according to both Milton and the Bible, the devil and his diabolical followers succeeded by deceiving and misleading people and can even appear disguised as angels,' replied Victoria promptly.
note: first mention of Jesus.
'How wise and well read you are my dear,' the woman replied smoothly. 'Will you believe that I am who I am if I give you a display of my magical powers?'
Victoria laughed mockingly.
''Go ahead and try!' she jeered. 'Real magic is not possible. Or if it were possible,' she added as an afterthought, 'it would happen among rugged mountains or in crumbling, turreted mansions, not in an ordinary park in an ordinary suburb like this.''
As far as I can tell, Victoria and Dark Star spend a lot of time sitting in the park discussing the nature of sin and desire. It is a compelling read.
My favourite, most flick-to-the-rude-bit part is this:
''But not everything I give people is torture,' replied the demon in a bright voice. 'Look at this mirror up here.'
Victoria made a conscious effort to calm down and concentrate on the mirror. Before her eyes, a large, elegant mirror appeared displaying a beautiful beach at sunrise with waves crashing on the shore. The demon's cheery voice and the sight of this picturesque scene calmed her even more.
On the sunlit scene a gorgeous boy appeared. His golden hair gleamed in the sunlight and little droplets of water glistened on his smooth, bronze-like skin. He was stunning with his rippling muscles and sleek black bathing shorts. His sparkling blue eyes and happy smile showed a genial personality.
'Do you know who this boy is, Victoria?' asked Dark Star.
'I certainly do!' replied Victoria excitedly. 'It's Mike Davies and I think he's really amazing and stunning. I've never had such a strong desire to date any other boy in my life!'
'I know,' replied Dark Star. 'I've been keeping an eye on you lately and I found out you like (sic)him when I was following you in secret. Now, just put your hand on your heart, say 'I agree to surrender my soul in exchange for the five things I wish for the most' and in an instant he will be yours.'
'How dare you take me for such a moron!' Victoria exclaimed indignantly. 'I've only seen him three times in my life and if I rushed into an affair with him there would be a high risk that it wouldn't last long, even without your help. If you did have a hand in it, you would ruin it completely. You would be making him cheat on me in no time. Don't think I don't know how clever you are at polluting people's minds and ruining their lives!'
'You're a very clever girl indeed,' remarked the demon. 'But are you sure I can't tempt you with this scene? This shows Mike in his room, completely naked.'
As the previous picture of Mike faded from the mirror, Victoria covered her eyes with her hands, shaking and screaming, 'No, no, no!'
'Your fear of the human body is very funny,' remarked the demon, her face and eyes glittering with mirth.
'Not of his body but of seeing it without his knowing it. I will not commit such an outrageous act!' shouted Victoria.
'Calm down and have a look at his sexy body. You'll enjoy it,' said Dark Star smoothly. ' I know that's what you really want to do, my dear' she added.
'How dare you even hint that I'm filthy and wicked!' Victoria shouted indignantly.
Even as she made this exclamation she realised that the more frightened and irritated she felt at the idea of seeing the titillating pictures, the more feverishly she wished and lusted for a peek at them.'
Is it wrong to get a bit turned on by what is essentially a badly-written Bible story? And where do I go to get my money back?
876 days til the next election.
Comments
I know a guy who can offload a few copies for you.
How dare you. Didn't you know it's a sin to refund a book?
It's in the Bible and everything. Book of Dymocks, chapter 3.
Considering you were all dressed in white and worshipping the lord of eccentric affectation she did well to approach you with this bizarre work of holy soft core. That would have to belong in the religious abstinence romance metaphysical fantasy section at the bookshop no?
'How dare you take me for such a moron!' Victoria exclaimed indignantly. 'I've only seen him three times in my life and if I rushed into an affair with him there would be a high risk that it wouldn't last long, even without your help."
That killed me - I'm still laughing.
Don't get a refund - I'll give you TWO shiny gold coins for it.
I think he's really amazing and stunning. I've never had such a strong desire to date any other boy in my life!'
I am so going to be saying that from now on! Oh my god, date me, date me, date me!
I also loved the one Jess quoted.
Just skip to the part where Victoria and Dark Star get down to it and cover each other in good an evil girlie goo.
Kranki, can you post a picture of what that might look like?
Every now and then when I wonder if I've written the biggest stack of crap in the world, I'll glaze back in awe at the passages here.
Then I'll laugh excitedly to myself, talk heatedly with someone, look crazily in the mirror ....
A few years back, when e-books were all the rage (in that magical 24 hours before they became old hat) I thought it would be good to review science fiction e-novels, to see what's out there and learn some techniques perhaps.
It was all horrible. Most were self-published, and read just like your glorious excerpt here. The only thing separating your gold coin glory from the ones I read is that there's no sex between humans and dogs (unless you have't got to that bit yet).
"I'll glaze back in awe"
hehe. Great Freudian slip.
Not really known for it's literary circles is it, the Tan G? More like a flower place, isn't it? Exchanging hard earned TV clams for self-publishing greenthumb porn? Victoria indeed.
DJKL says:
Sounds like a really fucked up version of C.S Lewis' diatribes featuring Screwtape.
Allegory, shmallegory.
What a crock! Who wouldn't sell their soul when offered a viewing of the hot man they want naked and offered a raunchy affair with them! Clearly the correct response is "where do I sign? and how soon can I have some hot juicy action?"
I know this post is so Tuesday but re-reading it was just as good, oh yes.
'Because according to both Milton and the Bible, the devil and his diabolical followers succeeded by deceiving and misleading people and can even appear disguised as angels,'
This intrigues me so much. Who is Milton? She names him first as though his opinion on stuff is more important than the Bible's. I imagine Milton is very complex, and possibly fat. With warts.
Also - "Calm down and have a look at his sexy body. You'll enjoy it," is my new favourite catchphrase. I will say it in a particularly leery manner (as opposed to my standard, day-to-day leery way).
I think she means John Milton, the 17th century English poet, author of Paradise Lost
I refuse to believe that.
I insist that there is a character called Milton - an obese, bearded, warty fellow who raised her from a young age and taught her the ins and outs of spirituality.
(this is what comes of choosing to skip lectures and drink at the uni bar for six months before dropping out and bumming around for the rest of your life.)
Yes I believe Milton (obese, bearded, warty as previously mentioned) was possibly friends with Blake (short, squat, overly intense gaze) and Auden (very earnest, eyes slightly too close together, pock-marked skin). You know, they all hung around with Elliot (cross-eyed, pimples, slight pot belly)?
Crap, last anonymous comment was mine (about other guys hanging out with warty Milton) but am slightly pissy and not having the hang of this whole internet thang (which according to young whipper-snippers I am too old for anyway).
went to school (in perth) with the author
she is autistic
was wondering where she had got to - the marvels of google - glad she is alright
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