Waterworld.
Last night on my radio show we were talking about the beautiful symmetry of two people having a simultaneous orgasm and is it an important step for a couple/in no way necessary whatsoever and so on, which led to the following exchange:
Glenn: Actually, that reminds me...
Me: Yes?
Glenn: Apparently if you're having sex with a dolphin, they can time their orgasm to coincide with yours.
Beat.
Paul: ...What?
Glenny: I was looking at this website...and apparently if you have intercourse with a female dolphin, they tune in to your senses or whatever. And you come at the same time.
Beat.
Me: Why would you have sex with a female dolphin?
Glenn: I'm not saying you should...I'm just saying, there's this website....
Paul: Why were you looking up information on having sex with dolphins?
Glenn: I wasn't! I just - there's this guy, and he has sex with dolphins, and he wrote this website....
Me: You're off, Glenn.
Glenn: I didn't write it!
Paul: DOLPHIN SEXER.
Glenn: I'm not! I just thought it was interesting! Stop looking at me like that.
********************
The thing is, he wasn't lying.
'I first realized I was a Delphinic Zoophile when I was 12 years old, which is when I had my first sexual encounter with a dolphin. This is not that particular occasion, since my first lover was brutally killed in an act of sensless violence that I will never forgive, or forget. She continues to live in my memories, though...'
SOME OTHER POINTS OF INTEREST FOR THOSE OF YOU PERHAPS CONSIDERING A DOLPHINIC LOVE AFFAIR:
1. Your time together may be mutually beneficial!
'Dolphin males have a prehensile penis. They can wrap it around objects, and carry them as such.'
Which should make moving into your love nest that little bit handier.
2. Dolphins are people too!
'Whether you masturbate or mate a fin, male or female, always spend time with them afterwards. Cuddle them, rub them, talk to them and most importantly, and show them you love them. This is essential, as it helps to strengthen the bond between you. Like a way of saying that this wasn't just a one night fling. The dolphins appreciate it, and they will want your company more the next time you visit them.'
It's only polite, really. Flowers are another nice thought.
3. Location location location!
In case you're wondering where one would stumble across a dolphin lover to make the sex with...
'Aquariums are a bad choice, for many reasons. Too public, the dolphins are not in their natural habitat, night visits are impossible, etc etc... some may have external enclosures, which may be accesable, but that is no guarantee. Best thing sometimes is to find a beach or a cove that the dolphins frequent.'
Not to mention the crowds of traumatised school children on a field trip who may round the corner at an inopportune moment.
4.Use common sense!
As our friend alarmingly points out:
'WARNING! In the considerations of safety, you should NEVER let a male dolphin attempt anal sex with you. The Bottle-nose dolphin member is around 12 inches, very muscular, and the thrusting and the force of ejaculation (A male can come as far as 14 feet) would cause serious internal injuries, resulting in peritonitus and possible death.'
So don't say you haven't been warned, my friends. NO ANAL WITH DOLPHINS*.
*Not a sentence I'd ever envisaged myself writing on this blog, but there you go. We are learning together.
430 days til the next election.
Comments
Kudos to Pauly P for pointing out that a dolphin 'versatile' is multi-porpoise.
Also: EWWW.
I blame the parents. How could Mr and Mrs Dolphinn name their child Dragon-wolfe?
In me blow hole.
Also I think a woman in the uk actually married a dolphin. But dont quote me.
Thar she blows:
Woman Marries Dolphin.
and people say that Jerry makes his shows up!
I found that same website somehow a while ago and was going to blog it but was too grossed out.
It's nice to know our Google paths cross.
ps It should just be John and You in the Book Club. That would be the BEST show.
"I do not expect to have sex with the dolphins every time I visit them; I am not that sort of person."
Now I've heard of everything...
between the dolphin rooting, and the Bert's Family Feud rooting song...
i was traumitised.
That's fucken despicable!
Ergh..
Oh & Ms Fits, what kind of friends do you have??
x
I'm a bit embarassed to say this, but I've come across that site before.
I didn't go looking for it, it found me, alright?
i've come across that site before too.
my computer screen has never been the same since.
That's all very well and good, but can you train the blighters to get you a stubby from the fridge uh?
ok, the disturbing thing is, if Glenn, Susanne, La Nadine and I have all somehow stumbled across this site (and despite what you may think now, we are apparently normally semi-normal people who only Google semi-normal things), just how many dolphin fuckers are there that this site is so prevalent on the web?
Dear Ms fits,
I've recently installed a site meter on my site and I get a regular visitor from Tehran.
I've checked their details and the exit page is often RYWHM.
Just wondering what the moral police in Iran think of your website which has posts about anal sex with dolphins?
Do you think our Tehran fan is in mortal danger if their computer records are checked?
And if this fan is a member of the moral police and reads this post, I have a message for you. You're a sick hypocrite who digs animal love.
Actually, now I'm highly curious as to how so many of my friends 'stumbled' across this particular site. Confess all, dolphin fuckers.
Uh, brokenleg. I've certainly read Ms Fits' blog from Tehran many times, but I don't think I've ever visited your site. Funny, you can't access The Age, but you can the SMH and the ABC there. Well, except via proxy. All the world is accessible by proxy.
Um. I don't have a lot to say about dolphins. Except, being mammals, I guess they have breasts at least. Sorry.
Bloke in Ireland got charged for fucking a dolphin a few years back. Apparantly got off by proving he did not instigate the encounter.
I have never met a dolphin I felt I could respect. That's all I have to say on the subject at hand.
On another tack altogether...
I couldn't help it. I succumbed to the promo and watched A Current Affair v Germaine Greer. The subject - The Crocodile Hunter. I feel dirty. Germaine was brilliant and Karl Stephanovic was foul. No other word could describe his behaviour.
I watch such a thing and I actually tremble with fear, for this indicates things can get worse and there is no low to which Commercial TV won't go.
How was that "interview"?
Karl Stefablowvic obviously re-filmed his questions and he even managed to ad some mock indignation.
The editing was so pathetic.
It certainly looks like Karl got Greer to talk for as long as possible and the producers went to town in the editing suite. Notice how the questions were not in any logical order, and follow up questions never seemed to match Greer's answers.
Can't believe she didn't tell Channel 9 to get fucked and leave it at that. Greer must have known they were going to do a number on her.
Wasn't there some dolphin researcher who was charged somewhere off the Barrier Reef half a dozen years or so ago. Possibly the same chap?
A somewhat related useless fact - male sharks have two penis'...penii...doodles, and they swell to the point where the female can't disengage until the male is done...
You could also have a three-way with a dolphin. It has a spout - perfect size for a willy. It blows too. Shit yeah! I'm there.
Be certain to take photos, Chuck A. I'm sure we're most keen to know how your escapade turns out.
oh my god. the horror of that post. the absolute horror.
... and naturally, as I'm sure everyone else did, I went and looked it up myself. Kudos to you, ms fits, you are single-handedly responsible for a spike in 'dolphin sex' google searches.
*shudder* I'm scarred.
Ms Fits,
After some serious digging, because 1. I had the title slightly wrong and 2. I have NFI what the band was called, I have come up with a link to that song that always makes me think of RYWHM:
http://thegrates.com/music.cfm
Track three is the one.
If you believe the song is shit, please don't take offence. I do think the song itself has an aura of crappola about it - but it's more the eccentricity and randomness that reminds me of RYWHM I think.
Please don't hurt me. My mind works differently to others sometimes I think. My Word verification is ffkcny - which makes me think of two Very Bad Words.
Comments are closed.