We'll always have Paris.
Are you one of those people who dialled a celeb after Paris Hilton's phone was hacked? Did you heavy breathe at Lindsay Lohan? Did you ask Andy Roddick if his fridge was running? Did you - eyes watering with mirth, fingers squeezing yoni - enquire as to whether Mr. Wall was home at Jay-Z's place of residence?
I have found a site that you will like, dear prank-calling comrade.
The Funny Firm publishes an entire page of 'celebrity' phone numbers with this strict and unintentionally brilliant disclaimer:
'The phone numbers listed below are for radio, TV, and print professionals only!!!! Not for consumption by the general public. If you are not a member of the broadcast or print media please feel free to look, but don't touch.'
It is the media equivalent of 'Are you 18 years old? Would you like to enter this website and look at vaginas? Hey, you kind of don't look 18. Whatever, just click on 'yes, I swear on my mother's grave I'm of masturbatory age' and you too can beat off like a fiend!'
The only disappointing thing about The Funny Firm is the poor quality of celebrities they're offering to us. I mean, wtf is up with this:
'T. Bubba is the President and CEO of the Bubba's of America, an 85,000 member organization dedicated to the preservation of the "Bubba Lifestyle"
What's the Bubba Lifestyle? Why does it sound like obese men in overalls standing around eating cracklin' and going 'Heh heh heh'? Does Bubba's of America really have a CEO? Why?
If you're not excited about calling T. Bubba, there's always this guy:
'Anything's possible in the kitchen of David George Gordon, author of The Eat-a-Bug Cookbook. Gordon's gone to the ends of the earth, to his backyard, and under the refrigerator to find culinary inspiration for his cookbook. Now, after years of experimenting with entomophagy (that's bug-eating to you), he presents the results with relish...or at least a light cream sauce.'
Not only to the ends of the earth but ALSO his backyard and under the refrigerator! DAVID'S DEDICATION TO EATING BUGS KNOWS NO BOUNDS!
I like that the celebrities sometimes need a little boost in the recognition stakes:
'Olympic Soccer star and now rock star Alexi Lalas (he's the other athlete with a red goatee) has a new CD out and he's available for interviews.'
Years of intense physical training and sacrifices, feeling a burning passion that drives you to the point of obsession, standing on a podium and accepting a medal on behalf of your country...and you get downsized to 'the other athlete with a red goatee'.
Poor Alexi Lalas. As if it's not bad enough that he looks like a warlock from a Harry Potter movie:
Hubble Bubble, etcetera...
the only reason I know him is because he appeared on the brilliant Fantasy Football League with one of my favourite men Frank Skinner . Why can't The Funny Firm have his fucking phone number? I swear I'd only use it to look and not touch.
945 days til the next election.
Comments
I called the Dougie Howser one. No dice. Disappointed!
Alexi Lalas clearly = the guy out of The Spin Doctors. There's no denying it.
Adam 1.0
Sorry, I've wracked my brain, but I've got to ask: who the fuck is "the athlete with a red goatee" who's not the other one? Surely that stuff on Beckham's face doesn't qualify.
I once looked up C Heston the US White Pages, who lived in a swanky suburb. I phoned him using one of those free internet phone call things. This guy answered with a very familiar-sounding voice. Mind you, it was probably 3 AM in the morning their time.
Another thing I did was telephone American 7-11's using the same White Pages and internet phone thing. I was asking them if they had any of our Aussie products.
What to do when you're bored......
You know your life's a bitch when you've got to go all the way to an Australian Blog to get your fifteen minutes of fucking fame.
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