WooHoo! Oh, Fuck! WooHoo! Oh, Fuck! WooHoo!
A journey through the morning papers via the mind of Ms Fits.1. Hobbits once roamed the earth!
'Hahaha. Look at the funny Hobbit and his fucked-up face. Boy, I can only imagine what the Herald Scum will do with a piece like this. 'FORCE OF HOBBIT'. 'HOBBITUARY'. 'TINY DWARF PEOPLE AMONGST US, ARMED TO KILL. STAY INDOORS AND AVOID AT ALL COSTS.' It could go either way. Heh. This is kind of a funny story. I wish someone was sitting next to me so I could dig them in the ribs and point to the monkey man and say: 'Look, there's you.' That would crack me up. Ah, what a great start to the day. I wonder what this article is about over here on the left...'
2. Australia is on the brink of fucking collapse!
'Oh my god. At 11am today, the Coalition will control the Senate. Oh fuck. I feel sick. I wish I didn't eat that goat's cheese last night. Shit . That horrific cockrag is poised to destroy unions and humanity and existence and we're all just going to have to sit around and watch like lame ferals.
Wait a second...preferences from who are going to get them over the line?'
3. Gone Fishin'!
'HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! Dude, are you serious ? There's a Fishing Party? What happened to the More Beer Party? Is this the guy that's helped Ol' John out?
HAHAHHAHAAA. For some reason, that really tickles me. Fishing Party. Heh. What a bunch of fucktards. Way to go there with your fishing policies changing the shape of the nation, buckaroos. Be sure to waft that stinky odour into the Senate. Oh, that reminds me.'
4. Life sucks.
'Shitters. I forgot about that for a second. Gay.'
5. Sunny Weekend!
'Hey, look! It's going to be thirty degrees on Sunday! So when I get back from Sydney in the afternoon I can go straight to the Rob Roy and rock out in the sunshine before it all falls to pieces. That will be sweet. Sunshine feels so good on my very white skin. Hey, today's not so bad after all. Also, boys who are smart get me very excited. This coffee's pretty good. I love smart boys. Let's read more of the paper!'
6. The darkies are left to fend for themselves!
'Big fucking surprise. Negotiations have broken down over Timor oil. Like Downer was ever going to help them out after raping their supply so royally. I remember being in East Timor. I should totally blog about it so people are impressed by my worldliness. Maybe I can drop in that I ran carefree on the beach with brown children so folks can see me as a kind of Rebecca Gibney benefactor figure. That would kind of rule. I fucking hate that Gibney lies about her age. She must be about a hundred and fucking four or something. I hope I never lie about my age. Wow, look at all my grey hair. That's kind of sexy. I am a silver fox.'
7. Melbourne Storm!
'Yep. Sure was windy yesterday. Our editor's umbrella turned inside out. Then everyone talked about the weather for ages and walked into the office shaking raindrops from their coats and marvelling: 'How about that rain!' That sure passed some time.'
8. We've got racists on our side too!
'What the fuck? Why is Laurie Ferguson suddenly calling refugees 'queue jumpers' and saying they'd 'have a more realistic view if they lived in areas where most refugees resided'? Why is he backing up mandatory detention? Oh fuck. We're as fucked as they are. We're doomed. We're all going to hell. I hate everyone. I'm going to kiss my dog on the belly and pretend that Gabi's arrived back early to hug me. I'm hungry.'
17 days til Gabi comes home.
1077 days til the next election.
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ctbb
KEVIN COLLINS: I mean, obviously we're reasonably politically naive, but we went to all the major parties in the lead up to the election to discuss preferences and the only party that took us seriously was the National Party. Why does that not surprise me?
Remind me to one day tell you about my chum Taw's plans to start a political group called Where's The Party? Boom boom!
Haha, I'd join that party in an instant.
We'd have you as a member!
I was appointed Minister of Finance. This was apparently hilariously ironic since I am renowned for my "fiscal ineptitude".
Well, sorry if I like rent boys and cocaine!
Did somebody say 'rent boys'?
*begins breathing heavily*
Should you ever come to Sydney, I might just buy you one for your very own... for at LEAST an hour!
It's the present that keeps on giving. At least twice. Provided he's good at recharging the old one-eyed trouser snake post coitus and getting back on the job.
i wanted to post on yesterday's blog this morning, but the comments had closed.
where was minty twat? i wanted him to explain how he keeps it so minty.
I had a long-play extended wax last week at the mall and my torturer is really nice, chatty. told me she DOES HER OWN Brazilians - "you'd be surprised how easy it is" she said. tho she does get a colleague to um, zip her up, so to speak. By the way, I think my garnish is basil, not parsley. I approach each sexual encounter with a war whoop, a dramatic lift of the skirt and the cry "hey pesto!"
omg, you talked about the weather.
*never reads again*
Mallrat, I've given myself a Brazillian before - it *is* possible, I just wouldn't reccommend it!!
You've opened Pandora's Box in my head, Clem. I was going to post before saying why isn't it possible - but assumed I'd missed some major detail. You know, like me not having a vagina.
I've seen some crazy positions in some crazy porno. So why "should" it not be possible? I damn well say it is.
I feel a bit weird, hearing the senate count confirmed - all funny and kind of hot (only not in a good way).
It's as though, just yesterday, I was convinced she was seeing someone behind my back - but I couldn't prove it, even to myself. Today, I wish I hadn't gone home early. (Metaphorically speaking, of course. In reality, I'm still at work, removing even the comfort of pro-active liver damage.)
I might go into the bathroom and stare at my immaculately groomed genitals - and pray they never create a Liberal voter.
--scr.
I think we're going to be even more depressed on Wednesday, once the US results come in.
I hope I'm wrong.
Can we have another edition of MMFF? Please? There's head in it for you.
Okay, Dave. Very soon. But I'll hold you to that promise of head.
That horrific cockrag is poised to destroy unions and humanity and existence and we're all just going to have to sit around and watch like lame ferals.No we're not. We're going to draw straws, and then one of us will #### #### ######.
You mark my words.
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