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Things you could do that might make me kiss you:
1. Be smart and funny.
It's harder than it looks, men of Melbourne. I HAVE HIGH HUMOUR STANDARDS.
2. Make me an above-par mix tape.
It's not a given, but the right kind of new music can really turn a girl's head.
And by 'girl' I mean 'me'.
And by 'head' I mean 'knickers to dust'.
3. Cook for me.
Yes, I want to eat your tuna pasta with artichoke salad. Then I want to climb all over you like a jungle gym and cover your neck in kisses.
4. Send over a drink from the bar.
As mentioned previously, I do have a fondness for shots and will mostly likely give your arm a lascivious squeeze were you to forward one in my general direction like a generous freewheelin' vagabond.
5. Stun me in public with a gesture so lovely I am momentarily speechless.
Last night I went and had some dinner AFTER INTERVIEWING PEACHES* at one of my favourite local Japanese restaurants. I had to head back into Triple R at 9:30 so was just sitting and reading my tedious Patrick White novel and making an ass of myself by lavishly spilling soy sauce all over the floor and generally being quietly amused by my own idiocy.
After some wine and raw fish I asked to pay the bill and the waitress approached looking slightly bemused.
Waitress: Um...your bill. It's been settled.
Me: Sorry?
Waitress: The people sitting at that table over there - they paid for it.
Me: (looking at empty table) What people?
Waitress: They've gone now.
Me: Why did they pay for my dinner?
Waitress: They said...you were a writer.
Me: What?
Waitress: And they left you this note.
NOTE ON NAPKIN: 'They were out of Jaeger...thanks for the great blog! (Assuming you are who we think you are...otherwise enjoy the free meal...stranger) Love, Alex and Finn.'
Me: .......
Waitress: So - you're a writer then?
Me: .......
Waitress: Are you okay?
Me: (clutching arm of Waitress and shouting far too loudly) OMFG THAT IS ONE OF THE NICEST THINGS ANYONE HAS EVER DONE FOR ME.
Waitress: Security, etc.
*********************
Alex and Finn - whoever the hell you are - I am truly humbled and warmed by the gesture. If only you'd stayed long enough for me to pick myself up off the floor and stick an inappropriate tongue in your ear. Utterly, utterly wonderful, thank you.
p.s. This is starting to look as though I put out for free food.
p.p.s. Which really isn't that far from the truth.
283 days til the next election.
*this has absolutely nothing to do with the story but I am trying to impress you so I thought I'd drop it casually into conversation. Are you charmed?
Comments
I'm intrigued Ms Fits,
What exactly would you do if I,
1. Made tuna and artichoke sushi for you in a very public place. (points 3 and 5)
2. Plied you with alcohol from the bar across the road.
3. Serenaded you with a decent mix tape (made by someone else cos i aint got no musical talent).
4. And had the whole shin-dig charged to Andrew Bolt's credit card. (point 1).
What would you do?
Is this a Friday question, brokenleg?
WELL IS IT?
and here was i thinking all it took was a ladies' toilet and a slightly exposed nipple.
colour me wrong.
also, that is possibly the nicest thing i've ever heard. EVER!
It would even funnier if they mistook you for some other writer than.
Or Melanie Howard, Anon.
The mind boggles, frankly.
Again with the kissing thing ?
MENFOLK OF MELBOURNE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY PLEASE PUT THIS WOMAN OUT OF HER MISERY !!
Nice work with the Peaches name-dropping-business, by the way. Impressed the hell out of me. Are there any details that you want to share with us, or do we have to wait for the article you're working on to appear in whichever publication engaged you to indulge yourself (and us) in this fashion
As they across the Pacific - neat!
Peaches will be on the radio show Tuesday Feb 27th, Big Matt Stud. You will highly enjoy the moment where I mishear her question and think she's asked me if I eat vagina. O, the hilarity.
I am CLEARLY in the wrong industry.
ps you should come over and ruby and I will cook for you. Maybe penne puttanesca?
HEL-lo.
Ms Fits,
You can take it as a friday question or answer it now. You could even ignore it altogether.
It's your blog, you make the rules. I'm just a humble traveller with the day off.
See, who says you'd starve if blogging were your only occupation?
Alex and Finn, the two rockingest blog readers ever.
(Also I love name dropping, it's got such an unfair rap. I actively encourage it. I'm always bugging anyone I know who may once have breathed the same air as a famous person for details and stories. To paraphrase Penny Lane, it makes life so much more interesting.)
right you are then, brokenleg. Is that a serious question? I WOULD KISS YOU OF COURSE.
Geez, that sounds like a lot of work for one kiss.
I'd take you up on the offer accept for two things.
1. I'm happily married and
2. I'm basically bloody lazy
Fucking beautiful. You should have come along to the "free breakfast with your first beer of the morning" pub in Sydney I mentioned ages ago. Far less classy or sweet, but possibly a story for grandchildren.
Which resturaunt was it?
i knew elaine would start pimping me out once she discovered my culinary skillz weren't wind and sails, but for real (NB: hers, too). and i only had to move in with her! knowing my luck, she'll get the fits lovin'...
but yeah - whore pasta, any time. name the night, delicious.
r
"OMFG THAT IS ONE OF THE NICEST THINGS ANYONE HAS EVER DONE FOR ME" - did you really swear? Charming.
that's because I'm prettier than you, reub.
with that, i can not argue. i feel like the unmarriageable sister in 'like water for chocolate'...
*gently massages tomatoes so they are happier, ready to produce extra delectable juiciness and sweetness, sings to garlic, composes poem for basilicum*
I'll give you wittier and smarter.
Fuck, if I'm not careful you'll get the fits action.
Dearest Ms Fits, this is making me want to move to Melbourne just so I can run into you one day (stalk is such an ugly word) and buy you a drink.
omg this has to be the ultimate in EXTREME BLOG STALKING!!
Mex said...
"omg this has to be the ultimate in EXTREME BLOG STALKING!!"
Oh Mex, that's just plain mean.
we need to out these mad people for the good of.... blog readers.
thomasr
I know what you are thinking Being Rad. And I am thinking it too.
WHAT IS BEING RAD THINKING???
Sounds stalky. I have a mix cd for you by the way. Will the kisses be such that I require some kind of waterproof coat? I may be wearing a slicker to err on the side of caution. It's a pretty good cd.
x
Holy crap. Alexander Downer's wife is named Finella.* Yeeeeew.
*A complete lie.
"p.s. This is starting to look as though I put out for free food."
Or even a single, solitary shot.
Don't worry, men like me appreciate women like you.
Ms Fits, you'll never be another Bob Ellis, no matter what your politics.
You see, it's de rigeur on the Left nowadays to treat yourself terribly, terribly seriously.
Truthful Jones might approve of you, but the chattering classes won't.
Oddly enough, you'll gain street-cred with Rabid NeoCon Right Wing Death Bitches like me though. We'll be a bit more susceptible to persuasion that maybe we're just a little bit full of it.
As for me - beware the Guy who says "Candy is Dandy but Liquor is Quicker" and has his own supply of Rohypnol. Spiking his drink with Viagra is also cheating (and it takes too long to work too). I mean, so I'm told.
Hey yo Fits,
I KNOW WHO ALEX AND FINN ARE!
And I am really rather impressed. What a stylish, confident gesture - rather bolder than the timid online stalking I permit myself.
Gee, what a nice thing for those people to do. The cynic in me thinks they would know they would get a mention. As for men with a sense of humour, you sure seem to charm a government paid older radio host. You bounce off each other very nicely. He does not always participate or assist in such things. I think he likes you, but alas, he is not b/f material.
OMFG!
So it wasn't Anais Nin!!
Next time I get busted talking to a bowl of plastic bananas on my kitchen bench (a regular occurance, sadly), I will proclaim loudly in my own defense that you were interviewing peaches.
And that's why I should not be awake at 2am.
Andrew said: As for men with a sense of humour, you sure seem to charm a government paid older radio host.
Who and what are you talking about Andrew?
ooh ooh!
i will give your bicycle a service for nothing. zip. zero. zilch. i've been looking for a way to 'accidentally' bump in to you one day for close to 3 years now. so far, no such success. also i must point out that this isn't one of those dodgy offers where people promote free safety checks in an effort to find 500 dollars worth of things that are wrong with your bike. i must warn you that i may caress your bicycle inappropriately and moan the words 'oh fitsy.....'
please? it would be my pleasure, and yes this is totally genuine!
www.iridebikes.com.au
wait, how did you know my bicycle was on its last legs? Is 'give your bicycle a service' some kind of kinky metaphor? SHOULD I BE LOOKING THIS PARTICULAR GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH AND IS THIS KIND OF TRADE-OFF LEGAL IN CHINA.
Ms Fits.
Considering you now openly declare and admit that you you can be a bit loose with the truth.
Point Five smacks of absolute bullshit and piece of shameless self promotion.
As someone who has to cut to the truth for a living liars, there a number of inconsistencies in the story.
Reality and you do not get on very well, do you
Thanks for the creative writing, you will make a great journalist at The Age.
i don't know about China, but here in King Street i'm not sure the word 'illegal' has much meaning.
the bicycle industry is all about sexy metaphors really... lube, rubber, pump, tool... need i go on?
surely you can't look this gift horse in the mouth. bicycles need love too. my workstand* awaits!
ps. i'll be gutted if you don't show.
*there's another one! don't you just love it? who would have known bicycle geeks could get so damn raunchy?!
"As someone who has to cut to the truth for a living liars"
Lucky you don't do grammar or logic for a living. I doubt you'd recognise reality if it walked up & stuck its tallywhacker in your ear.
what's with all the hatin'?
anon said : "... As someone who has to cut to the truth for a living liars, there a number of inconsistencies in the story".
what are the inconsistencies?
Free meals, hmmm. This gives me the perfect opportunity to tell you that 'knobjockey,' in its literal form at least, starts with a k.
It is hard to imagine 'knobjockey' or even 'nobjockey' having more than one definition, therefore I do believe this is an error.
This pisses me off no end (no pun intended) and although there is no point denying that I am among the vast majority of readers of this blog, both male and female, who quiver at the very thought of affection from yourself/Myf Warhurst/Melanie Howard, I will not be attempting points 2, 3, 4, or 5, or even 1(b) in this comment.
I thought nob was an acceptable British Isles substitute for knob, at least as commonly accepted as the cum/come duality.
You need to read more British pr0n.
What am I thinking?!
Oh yeah, which resturaunt was it? My guess is Matsumoto.
Patrick White *is* tedious.
I'm confused TLS.
Are you referring to British pronography? I never really knew there was such a thing. All I can think of is Basil Fawlty in a head bandage doing the goose-step with his finger above his lip, and Polly fussing about him stark naked.
British pronunciation, the alternative interpretation, sounds dreadfully dull. Cucumber sandwich anyone?
Comments are closed.