Reasons you will hate me

dearest Ms Fits, please don't run away, there are people here who love you. You'll acclimatise to the humidity in, oh, two or three years. Think of it as a warm bath of appreciation.

Missing you already :-(

If you insist on continuing to insult my town, i will withdraw all invitations of help in your settling in.

...what thecat said. And also it is 41 in Melbourne today and all the people there are hairy.

Are we allowed to ask whereabouts in Sydneytown you have settled? I can take an educated guess from your references to shorts and back alleys, but you may as well get used to answering because it's about the second question any Sydneysider will ask you - we are very shallow people.

I am Surry Hills for a couple of months. After that, I will be homeless and living in a big plastic bag. Pass any food scraps my way.

Please use a canvas bag instead. Kthxbai.

yeah Fits it's going to be 40 for a couple of days here so yr not missing anything. I can't believe you've gone.... tell us more stuff...

1.Yup, Sydney drivers really are arseholes. A three second delay ruins their day. Yet the traffic is abysmal. So they all have bad days, every day.
2. You're in Surry Hills ferkrissake. That's like equating everything in Melbourne to what you saw on Greville Street. Come out to Newtown and you'll see lots of hair. On women and men.
3. Yup. But cooler than Melbourne at the moment. Go figure.
4. See 2.

PS: My work seems to have decided your blog is undesirable and blocked it. Lucky I know how to get around that. Handy skill for when Conroy helps Fundies First decide what we can and can't see.

Ms Fits, I am a Sydneysider transplanted to Melbourne... and I think MELBOURNE drivers are inexplicably bad-tempered. Maybe it's us, not them? -- maybe as foreign drivers in strange lands, we just tend to make the kinds of mistakes that illicit abuse from impolite locals? My main gripe against Melbourne drivers is that they WILL NOT LET ANYBODY IN, even if you've been politely indicating and waiting patiently for an eon. And they don't seem to wave. Sydney drivers give better courtesy waves.
Just had to defend my countrypeople! I hope you like Sydney.

I think I drove over the Harbour Bridge in the bus lane? It was right before the Olympics and men were repainting the white lines and there were witches' hats everywhere but those rude fuckin' Sydney drivers had knocked them every which way and I was freaking out and the toll man looked at me funny and then people passing me where the cars were meant to go looked at me funny, too.

There was like a kerb between my lane and the other lanes. But I was in a Mazda 323 with Vic plates and it was midnight so everything turned out okay. Until I got lost in Redfern.

Oh and thanks for #3, Fits. There ain't nothing finer than a lady's pit full of sack tacky, is there.

I can see why you're such a hit with the ladies, Marmalade.

Oh but you're in the bestest suburb! Go to Bourke St Bakery NOW. Get a sticky tart and you'll feel much better.

Sydney is a lovely flower growing out of shit...You'll see it eventually...

PS. Another idea to feel better: On a quiet afternoon, go to Hollywood Hotel off Foster St (nr central) and talk to Doris while having a wine.

Oh well if it's Surry Hills then you've only got yourself to blame!

Ms Fits, I'd suggest getting an e-tag thingy for the numerous tolls spread around Sydney it will make life much easier in the long run. Good on you though for driving in Sydney as I must confess to taking a good six weeks to muster up the courage to actually drive into the CBD when I first moved there.

As for the weather I hope you get used to it I found it much nicer after the dry heat I was used to in Adelaide. I can't for the life of me remember comparing it to ejaculate in armpits so perhaps I need to experiment more?

As Shermozle has suggested get yourself to Newtown and become enamoured with Sydney town.. well at least the nice parts of it.

That's 'elicit' anon - illicit is what you've been smoking.

Newtown?? it's all dumb boutique burger bars these days.

fits' no. 3 & marmalade's "pit full of sack tacky"

god, that made me laugh ....and i really needed that today .... thanks heaps!

although, i was a little put off when one of the next posts after the "pit full of sack tacky" was advising you to go out and get a sticky tart .....

Welcome to Sydney dearest Fits,

I'm not sure if you are in a delightful end of town, it all depends which part of Surry Hills you've landed in. If you can give us a couple of main streets to go by we may be able to point you in the right direction for its hidden delights.

To start with though, head Glebewards on a Saturday morn. There's enough fun, hairy luvlee people and good coffee without the stench of Newtown to accompany it, to keep you joyously happy.

I reckon when it's time to move from your Surry Hills abode you should chase a top floor room in one of those massive three-story terrace houses along Glebe Point Rd near the old Valhalla Cinema.

You can hinge up the window on the top floor and climb out onto the roof in the morning or late at night and enjoy all sorts of delightful canoodling, drinks, snacks or various illicit substances while in a cheerful post-night-out haze.

It gives the phrase night on the tiles a totally different meaning.

I even dragged out a small couch and a television set on the roof years ago when I was in one of those places and the party downstairs had faded. You just can't do that in Newtown or most parts of Surry Hills.

Whatever happens, joys will come and we are all happy to help you.

Cheers and clinks of drinks.

I always wonder if those with more body hair are more sexually charged.
The female armpit scent is close to the V scent, it’s a female wonder part, never scented one full of toza
You know Melbourne is part of you Lady Fits, it’s just your skill is too great for her. Sydney will fall under your charm soon, and then dump her and fly elsewhere
I’m off to collect my mother, can’t have her walking in this heat. The trade in your car for a camel business is gaining momentum.

We could have told you it would be like that

Have you been to Fort Denison? You should go there and try and lift the canon ball with all the other tourists. This will cure you of this whole Sydney idea once and for all

I've heard of air guitar, but hair violin...?

If your neighbour plays "Duelling Banjos" on his locks, smile politely and avoid sudden movements. Word on the street says musical fringes and bubble machines are the weapons of choice for society's most savage.

syd fitscious,

whilst not living in sydney (i left melbourne for the decidely more rural and peaceful c-town), i have had the pleasure of a few weekends in sydney thanks to murray's fifteen dollar buses

the best advice i can offer is the jam on toast at this caff on the cnr of campbell and foster sts, near central at the top of surrey hills. i always buy a jar or two when i'm in town.

Does anyone remember when it seemed like the only place they had Krispy Kreme doughnuts was Sydney Airport? You'd see people on the plane back to Melbourne on a Friday night with multiple boxes tied with twine. I'm sure there are well dressed marketing types planning that scarcity contagion shit.

Obviously biased but it's the visit, live there thing with Sydney. It's a fun town and puts on a great gay time but Melbourne for those who know 'er is without peer. It's satisfying returning from NYC or London and feeling home and not a little bit let down but rather invigorated and reenthused.

You should get a bumper sticker that say 'Be nice, I'm a celebrity' so sydneysiders will clock you in your mirror, not honk you, then go home and tell the missus they were nice to princess mary

What Hellglitter said.

Welcome back to regular writing. I have missed it!

I am sorry for you having to move to Sydney. but at least you are only 3 hours drive away from Mr Kev 007.

The worst thing about Sydney is whingeing Melbournians. If you all hate it so much, why don't you go back where you came from and leave the rest of us to enjoy it? Bah. You're all making me grumpy. And I LOVE Melbourne.

Jeez, anon, give the girl a break, she's just left the only town she's ever known to come to a strange new city to work.

Be nice. She will get used to it.

The worst thing about the "Sydney/Melbourne Rivalry" is when people take it all a bit too personally.

Everyone is just jealous they don't live in my sleepy little deathtoll town. Yeeeeewwwww!

well I for one love the idea that Ms Fits has moved north, welcome dear you'll soon find lots to love & laugh about in Sydney.

Sydney SUX. Melbourne ROOLS, etc.

Miss you. x

I never thought of the humid weather in that light before. Hopefully I never will again.

I've always thought that the Melb-Syd 'rivalry' was a flimsy one-way deal, in that Sydney people like Melbourne and Melbourne people dislike Sydney. Thoughts people?

This is your neighbour, right? The one in the shiny boxers:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u0rZI6gEYUc

Put up RRR stickers in the dunny of your work, no one will know! Also tell them Bigsy says hello.

Sydney does not have the tote.

Addendum - truly it was fun tonight.
*marieke slowly curls into a ball and cry's*

I can concur with 1, 2 and 3 - but obviously not 4, however, the short shorts, get used to 'em.......it's Sydney baby.

tote - shmote

Like a toza filled filled lady's armpit, interesting place to visit but i wouldn't want to live there.
Melbn always seems to have more kulcha than Sydny I think it has something to do with the difference between pots and schooners. More beer more quickly does make Jonny a dull boy.

Welcome, Fits, to Steak and Kidney!
Don't forget to check out Balmain while you're here, more dogs per square foot than anywhere else in this town and therefore more bottoms for BobEllis to sniff. Not as delectable as a good hairy armpit I say, but each to her own...
Music at the Cat and Fiddle, Three Weeds and The Bridge. Have fun while you're here.

Grable, you are right - Sydneysiders have always been puzled by Melbourne's idea that there is a "rivalry".

I am a Sydneysider shifted south also, and I must say I found drivers worse down here too - I think it's simply that if things are different, they freak you out.

Who was it who thinks Sydney's only 3 hours from Canberra? Did they find a short-cut?

Just wait until you have to get up at 3am in the morning and then put up with "the doctor" (the most annoying and unfunny man on the planet) for 3 hours on air every day.... You'll be back in melbourne in no time.

sydney's the hottie who blows your mind a few nights, making shiny memories, but you have nothing to talk about with her at 3am. fit, fun, energetic and ultimately forgettable. low cal, light, fluffy and bright.

melbourne's the love of your life. melbourne writes sweet dedications on the flyleaf of your books, and graffiti about you out the front of your house after she crawls out the bedroom window, hair tousled. rough around the edges, but full of strong flavour and calories. the one.

*dons flame-proof suit*

have a good one on Monday

we'll be listening, no pressure of course...

I'm still trying to reconcile the armpit weather image with the person that demanded you purchase a "sticky tart" from a Surrey Hills bakery. Do they sell young women with receptive armpits at such establishments at bakeries in inner Sydney?
I can see the sign now: "Sticky weather - get yourself a sticky tart!"

Yes, get yourself over to the Hollywood Hotel for a beer. If you're lucky, Doris will sing. She was a showgirl once, you know.

i second that ruby.

TOMMOROW IS JUDGEMENT DAY!

*Whoooooooo*

*Scary noises*

Welcome to Sydders. It is neither better or worse than anywhere else I've lived in the world and I've lived in quite a few elses. (On a side note, should there be an apostrophe in elses? If so, before or after the s?)

My welcome gift to you is to advise a little trip to my 'hood (Erko) for the best brekkie I've found. Bitton. The French owner has a lovely way of making a hungover soul feel just that little bit brighter with his customary greeting of "Ello Teenaaaajjjjer!". And the bacon & eggs served in the pan are divine.

ruby, that was beautiful!

ms fits, i was going to suggest [believing as i do in the life-changing power of television] that you watch "love my way" in marathon sittings to get you on board with the potential awesomeness of sydney. but then, when you watch "underbelly" you'll wanna come home.

good luck, sweet thing...x

@magical_m

"elses" as you have used it is a plural. Plurals do not take an apostrophe, unless of course you are a sign writer, unlike possessives (eg. "A collection of young girls' knickers).

Ah yes, what do they say?

Sydney is deeply superficial.
Melbourne is superficially deep.

Of my adult life, 13 years were spent in Sydney and the last 10 in Melbourne.

I love both places but they're different - which one suits you better depends on who you are and where you're at in life.

Oh yes, the other one:

When you meet someone in Melbourne, they ask you where you went to school. In Sydney, they ask you what your job is.

Fits will do just fine in Sydney because she is in the media and that gives her instant celebrity. Sydney people get much more excited about celebrity than Melbourne people, tall poppy scythes that we are.

Good luck with the first week at work lady. Don't panic if it sucks for a while, that's normal.

And if you see Jackie O please bitch slap her for me.

xx

Thanks anonymous!

Fitsy, best of luck for tomorrow. A little bit of me is terribly excited for you. Kiss kiss.

I've lived in Sydney my whole life and I refuse to drive in the city, so you're doing well. If you venture out of Surry Hills, I'm willing to bet you will discover more body hair.

Go kick some arse on those air-waves, milady.
I just killed a rather tastefully striped beetle in the belief it was a Melbourne roach tonight. So you may as well live a little.

Well done this morning Fits, you sounded nice, and funny and not annoying like Rosie fucking Beaton. I only heard bits but you were ripping the piss out the Dr quietly as a song started and it was good.

Robbie Buck is like the eldest child, he needs to let go of the control thing a bit and remember it's the morning show, not Hack. Just saying.

yay i heard you on the radio today ms fits. i squealed a little when i realized it was you.

welcome to surry hills, neighbour! hope you are enjoying the fine rain today.

had no idea (having not kept touch with RYWHM lately) that you were going to be on the Js til i heard you this morning talking about your hairdresser boy; you're even more delectable on air than online!

Missed the show... Was too busy getting over my weekend filled with a rockabilly hairdresser boy and all night shenanigans... Bliss.

Went to the J's website to see if I could hear a bit, couldn't. Checked the guestbook, someone already wants to marry you. It was only a matter of time.

Hehehe
So i'll bet announcing Nickelback at Austereo will begin to look appealing to you in no time whatsoever.
Aaaahhh Sydney, great place for a holiday......
(Sorry Sydneysiders, Melbournians will know what i mean)

Gee Wry, can't imagine what comes after.....

You Melbournians is so cryptic.

yeah I couldn't get the podcast of today either. Is it too soon?

Heard you this morning. I thought the males were less than inviting but you gave as good as you got. They are not very funny are they? I would not normally be able to listen to rap in the morning and don't know if I will ever do it again.

Fits, you did splendidly well upon the airwaves this very morn, - no mean feat being a bright spark at that hour of the day.
A suitable libation is called for. Bien fait!

Listened to you this morning while I was having breakfast, will try to do it as often as possible while I am working. Thanks.

Liked the show... and enjoyed the whole vibe really. Congratulations!

'Fraid JJJ Sucks Arse. 'Tis depressing to watch promising RRR presenters kick their crdibility to the curb and turn into shameless Fame Whores. I chart the decline of RRR and her talent to the hideous James Young.

Just Sayin'...

But Anonymous, where are promising RRR presenters to go? Eventually, they gots to get paid, or they will be lost to radio, no?

And what IS credible these days?

Triple J is a lot more credible than any nasty commercial station that I can mention. Besides that, don't we want people like the fabulous Ms Fits corrupting as many people as possible over the airwaves?

I did love the number of times that you mentioned "buttocks" this morning. I giggled. A lot.

wait til you catch a bus, dear. you will swear that its one of those parole jobs given to culpable drivers. no trundling here, especially down foveaux, fuck

Are you sure your landlord is not the short shorts wearing thespian landlord from The Big Lebowski?

Oh and Miss Temple is right about Doris by the bar in the Hollywood; she's a dear and will sing show tunes on request.

Jesus is completely right, for some reason bus drivers think they will benefit by sending you to catch a bus that goes out to Olympic Stadium via Gosford, when all you need to do is get from City Centre to Darling Harbour. You also know you are in Sydney when you can buy Napi-san in bulk, too many white slacks/ice cream suits.

RRR is just the same as it ever was. The same presenters, the same audience demographic, the same left wing bias it ever had.

Which is a concern, considering all those early 80s students who were fans of the station are now the cornerstones of the establishment.

Oh, how I laugh.

You know you're in Sydney when you leave the dishes out and the cockroaches steal your cutlery.

Sydney drivers respect a bold, take no prisoners attitude. This can however be taken too far. The day you beep a granny for taking too long crossing the road is the day it is time to leave Sydney.

As a former Sydney sider become Mexican (Melbournite) I can say that the typical nasty Sydney driver gets a distinctly unfair advantage down here. What a Sydney driver calls normal, Melbournites think is a terrorist assault and get the f*** outta the way.

Still, Melbournites don't understand the concept of red lights at all.

You mean Melburnians and you are right Sydney drivers are far more considerate and polite than in Melb.
I'm from Melb!