Reasons you will hate me

Your ex.

You know most of us have exes. Some of them are those bad ones who make, like, really good friends with our mothers and then FUCK OUR MOTHERS and then break our copy of Wa Wa Nee's 'Stimulation' in half and cut one sleeve off of all of our shirts and then tit off our best friend and leave a dirty cumrag under our bed and, like, leave .

Fuckers.

I'm ashamed to say that out of most of my relationships I've been the bad ex (without the mum-fucking obviously), except in one case.

I was just eighteen and doing a guest acting role on A Country Practice (role - Yesterday Hubble; teenage crush on Doctor. Sample line to my character: 'I thought I told you that yesterday, Yesterday'). I was hot for the 38 year-old lighting guy because I thought he looked like Gary Sinise and I was also at that age where you presume everyone wants a piece of your action.

So I asked him out. And we went out.

As far as first dates went, it was hot. We ate spaghetti, we held hands, we laughed and did that long lingering look into each others' eyes which says: 'Fuck me 'til I bleed...but hold me after'. It was, as they say in Hollywood, a 'go project'.

That's until we walked hand-in-hand into a party and someone said: 'Mark, hey...(noticing me)...wait a minute. That's not your wife!'

So.

For about three weeks, I had a boyfriend with a wife. He also had two kids. In fact, he left one of our dates to go to his eight year-old's birthday party.

This is about ten years ago. And I was the one who had to morally appraise the awful situation and ditch him . He used to drop by and do my dishes when I wasn't home and leave before I had a chance to say: 'Wait a second...that's fucking weird . Fuck off, oldie.'

I was horrifically guilt-stricken and tempted to call his wife and spill my guts but I never did. Lucky for him.


Anyhow, one of my favourite bloggers has started a new website. The premise is as follows:

'Exes. Most of us have them. Many of us have horror stories about them - from the stuff we put up with while we were with them to the heartstomping breakups. Some of them are scary. Most of them are, with some perspective, funny. One thing is for sure: Most of us think we have the best (or worst, depending) ex story in the world. Well, now's your chance to prove it.'


There's a comp. You could win shit. You should enter. And in the interim I will try and think of the bad stuff people did to me without feeling too guilty for being a morally bankrupt cockmerchant.


'Course, if you don't think your ex is good enough for a comp you can always post about 'em here.


936 days til the next election.

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